Magic (and baloney) is in the air this week as we prepare ourselves for Jackie's pick; a dancicul knock-off of Teen Wolf. Plus the usual other 0.5 episode stuff. Listen to it before we hex you!
We take a look into the future where Mick Jagger gets to be an action star, no one ages, and that fava-beans and chianti guy gets paid his day rate. Emilio Estevez stars as Alex Furlong, a race car driver that gets exploded into the future so that he can get "bone-jacked" for a rich man's immortality....we think. The future doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us humble 2014 people.
Emilio and Jagger are really quite bad actors in this film. They both are terrible but in completely opposite ways. Jagger is thoroughly wooden and puts little to no effort into his role. While Estevez does his best Jim Carrey and overacts each scene. He's like that desperate person at the end of the bar at midnight that tries way too hard to be your friend. This duo play enemies so the opposing acting makes up for some fun unintentional comedic chemistry.
There's some pretty weird things in the future as well. Everybody shoots at each other yet cities seem to be fairly pleasant aside from the flying bullets. Time and space do not have properties in people's dwellings as most apartments in the film have secret rooms and doors that can't physically exist in the building space, at least in the world that we understand. Toss in Alex and Julie Redlund's (played by Rene Russo) relationship with their literal on-screen butt kissing and quite unrealistic dialogue, you've got a story world that involves a lot of head scratching for the viewer.
Truck stops, crummy arm wrestling, and terrible parenting make up this weeks stinker and P.U. does this one stink! Stallone plays a mediocre trucker, a "good" arm-wrestler and maybe the worst parent ever. How the hell Leonard Part 6 won the Razzie over this turd is a travesty.
So the film revolves around Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) and his son, Michael (David Mendenhall), rekindling their relationship after 10 years of neglect. They do this by truckin' and arm wrastling. As children actor's go, David Mendenhall is pretty bad. You'd really like to step on this kid within 4 minutes of the film. It's very fitting that Stallone's Lincoln Hawk appears to completely ignore the existence of him as his son.
The relationship between the two of these people is astounding. One minute it is just preposterous as Hawk is such a total dirtbag to his son (he's late to his child's graduation because he's gotta take his shirt off and wash his truck) and the next minute is super creepy with child cuddling in a truck cab. Ick. It also tells us that a child's relationship with his father is much more important than the future of the child's life. Michael starts the film out by graduating from military school with honors and finishes the film by giving up everything to become a truck-driving arm wrestler. Nice. Maybe the film is an accurate depiction of how awful awful awful parents can really screw up a child. Or maybe it's just that someone doesn't know how to make a character likable in any way.
Judging movies by their covers back-fires on us as we get duped into watching a non-wrestling "wrestling" movie. Jamie Kennedy and Edge slap us in the mouth, with special guest Mark.
At some point in time, some bonehead named David Calloway got it in his head that making movies starring wrestlers in serious roles was a good idea. He's the executive producer behind such "good ideas" as Legendary (John Cena), Knucklehead (Paul Wight or The Big Show), The Chaperone (Paul Levesque or Triple H), The Reunion (John Cena) and 2012's borefest Bending the Rules. These movies all say one thing: "Hey Hollywood, we can make top notch movies that rival the likes of David O' Russell and Cameron Crowe AND star the top wrestlers of the day". What? No! If we want to see wrestlers in film it better damn well be action packed with ludicrous stunts and fight scenes. Even though it is a terrible film, No Holds Barred is SO much more entertaining and should be the bar set for WWE produced films. Stop this shit, now. (Editor's note - Bending the Rules is the last film that David Calloway has produced so hopefully someone got the message).
So Jamie Kennedy and Edge to their best attempt at the Lewis and Martin routine. Kennedy is a goofball lawyer while Edge is a dead pan tough cop on the outside of the law. Unfortunately, Kennedy's Lewis is more of the look into the brain of an asshole than it is a goofball and Edge's Martin is some of the most wooden acting ever caught on film.
We gear up for another epic from WWE Studios - this time starring Jamie Kennedy and Edge. We also give our first attempt at Stinker Improv, where we re-enact what we believe the movie will be about. Are you ready to fumble?????
Sam, Jackie and Justin delve into the intense neo-political sub-tones of Invasion USA...and all the Spolsions. Chuck Norris wears a curly mullet and tells you, "It's time to die" unless he doesn't also have a rocket launcher. BOOM!
So the fun thing about Invasion USA is Chuck Norris' impenetrable calmness. No matter what happens on screen, he's completely deadpan throughout and never raises his voice above a whisper ("Time to die, Rostov"). It's an achievement in non-excitement. Just look at the movie poster and imagine Chuck doing insane things with that expression on his face all the way.
The plot of this film is pretty ridiculous as well. There's some plan by an unknown group of assorted bad guys who appear to be from all over the world. It's affirmative action bad guy group as there's Russians, Cubans, Middle Eastern guys, and probably some Madagascans in there as well. Sam believes that they are mercenaries from all over and are only in it for the money. We still aren't sure what "it" is that they are in for, but it appears to be just invading the suburbs of Florida. Maybe it's just for general terror but then, how do you pay the mercenaries?
Good journey! Ever wanted He-Man to leave Eternia and show up in YOUR town. Well this week he does just that along with the rest of his goons and Skeletor..ish.
There's some really dumb bits about this film but they are so dumb that they makes it fun. The costumes are just as ridiculous as the special effects and the set designs. There is some pretty rad action sequences that are pretty laughable such as the Centurions who have some flying jet-skis that look pretty bad. However the laughs are few and far between as the movie mostly consists of some guys wandering around and groan-worthy moments of the Eternia people not understanding life on Earth.
Unfortunately, He-Man himself kinda blows. He's more of a gun-guy than a sword wielding power-man. Dolph Lundgren (He-Man) does his best with his very limited English speaking abilities so it's really not his fault. It just seems like no one involved had a concept of who He-Man was or had ever seen what he's all about. I understand that the budget was very minimal to work with but instead of just using the budget to get as close to He-Man as possible, they instead just change the character to fit with other action movies. It just doesn't work.