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Alone in the Dark

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What is the point of any of this??? What does life even mean anymore?!?!

Watching Alone in the Dark is like stepping into a surreal nightmare where logic, talent, and coherence take a permanent vacation. Directed by Uwe Boll, the film somehow manages to turn a moderately creepy video game series into a cinematic trainwreck so inexplicably bad it’s almost mesmerizing.

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The Legend of Billie Jean

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Billie Jean leads a movement of oppressed 80's kids against.....adults? Because she wants that damn $608 and FAIR IS FAIR!

So once upon a hot summer in Corpus Christi, a 14 year old guy named Binx gets his sweet scooter trashed by some older d-bags. His older sister goes to the dad of said punk and demands he repay for the damages. Instead that guy tries to put her on a rape-repayment plan and gets shot by Binx. The kids bolt and become defacto Bonnie and Clyde figures of the day's youth. That's really more than you need to know about this film. I went in completely blind as to what it was and I am so glad that I did. Thanks alot Google for making us have to write up content each time that spoils the movie. Nice algorithm! I should revolt against the man too because fair IS fair.

Anyways, the old d-bags do bad things (usually rape) and get away with it in the 80's is a fairly common theme we come up against on this podcast. See TomboyThe Wraith, Savage Streets and so many others....I guess just pick any 80's film. Odds are you're gonna have elements of this. But what makes Billie Jean special is how much it veers away from the common tropes of this (for lack of a better word) genre. Instead of the lead going on a path of vengeance, our heroine (Helen Slater's Billie Jean) goes on the lamb and vicariously creates a cult of teenagers who've just had about a damn nuff of these adults being unfair, I guess. I literally have no idea what the cults goal is other than to worship and protect Billie Jean. All ol' BJ wants is the $608 her brother is owed for her scooter. But even that is murky as she exploits her situation to get a new scooter. I guess she just really loves riding on the back of a scooter in skimpy clothes with her younger brother who may or may not have blood in his noggin, definitely not enough that he should be driving that scooter!

The Legend of Billie Jean is another microcosm of 80's film. Its not that there's any one thing you can point to and say THAT is what makes this movie awesomely terrible. Its the entire piece. The theme, the soundtrack, the plot, its all dripped in 80's nacho cheese. The kind that gives you a stomach ache later but man does it taste good on the way down.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:0-star
Horrendous acting:2-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:1-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Nonsensical Plot:4-star

Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 4-star
Bad Movie Quality:7-star

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Gleaming the Cube

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Christian Slater is a skateboarding detective who will stop at nothing to solve the murder of his adopted brother, including using his dead bro's ex, complicity in manslaughter and traffic violations. Traffic violations!!!

So Brian (Christian Slater) is a teenage punk whose only outlet in life is some serious thrashing on his skateboard. When his brother gets fired from his video store job for looking into his boss's medical supply business invoices, he ends up accidentally murdered by a guy choking him with a towel. When THAT guy ends up accidentally murdered, Brian goes on a investigation with the power of his skateboarding. This sounds like its awesome and well....it is. BUTTTTT it takes so long to get going that you're gonna be pretty disappointed for the first 30 minutes. However, once that ball gets rolling - hold on to your trux because things get really awesome at the end.

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The Wizard

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Three precocious scamps team-up on a journey across the Western US to get little Jimmy, a misdiagnosed kid with a heart of gold, to the ultimate video-game tournament, Video Game Armageddon. Plus Christian Slater and Beau Bridges share a hotel room. Is this movie TOO sexy?

The Wizard falls into our "bad movie debunked" category of films - wherein the film has been raked over the coals by critics yet, we can't understand why. Sure it's got some sub-par technical work with some over-exposed shots, mediocre compositions and spotty focus. Sure it's clear that someone did a bad job with the editing scissors and sure it's likely that person with the scissors did the best they could because they shot 2.5 hours worth for a damn kids movie. But really those quibbles pale next to the content.

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Hard Cash

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When you must put your slowly dieing career into the dumpster forever, the fast path is to team up with Christian Slater in a crime-caper. A band of bozos get caught in an dirty FBI sting and must steal all the gold for themselves...and they only thing stopping them is their own idiocy.

We'll start by saying that this ALMOST has something. There's bookends of banana business but that squishy look-warm middle bit drags it back into the depths of quite not interesting. Despite it having the worst produced car chases, worse than SNL rear-projection, Verne Troyer in a toilet with a dart-gun, Val Kilmer giving his belief in his characters one last try, and Bill Forysthe in a washing machine, there's just not enough fun here to put it in the do column.

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