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Night Teeth

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Thirsty vamps get Ubered around town on a poorly thought out territory takeover only to find true love in....Benny?

"Night Teeth," the latest Netflix Original Movie, is a cocktail of clichés served with a side of disappointment. While the premise promises a thrilling ride through the underworld of vampires, the execution falls flat, leaving viewers with a lukewarm taste in their mouths.

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Rockula

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Dean Cameron is a vampire who doesn't bite people but has to relive the death of his beloved Moana who is killed every 22 years by a pirate wielding a ham-bone. But not this year, buster!

"Rockula" is an absolute blast from the past that's so bad, it's fantastic! This 1990 gem takes the term 'cult classic' to a whole new level. Let's start with the music – it's so gloriously terrible that it somehow becomes insanely catchy. The tunes are like a guilty pleasure you can't help but hum along to, despite their wonderfully cheesy lyrics and over-the-top '80s vibe.

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Vamps

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It's more Clueless than Blade but it sure ain't The Lost Boys. I still believe, though.

"Vamps," the 2012 movie starring Alicia Silverstone and Krysten Ritter, offers a refreshing and somewhat quirky take on the vampire genre. While it may not be everyone's cup of tea (including 1/3 of Stinker Madness), it certainly has its charm, thanks to its unique spin on vampires trying to navigate the complexities of human life while grappling with their immortality.

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The Tomb

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Michelle Bauer stalks around LA in slinky outfits on a quest....for blood! Words, don't fail me now.

One of the highlights of "The Tomb" is its nostalgic charm. The film exudes the distinct '80s vibe, complete with cheesy practical effects, low-budget sets, and a synthesizer-heavy soundtrack with corny beats and crummy lyrics that is very Fred Olen Ray. 

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Night Hunter

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It ain't Blade. It's 90s Anne Rice with unattractive people and inept opponents. And it all could have been avoided by drinking tea together.

At least everyone is evenly matched. Don's Jack Cutter is way ill equipped and ill prepared to be taking down even lower level vampires. Guns don't work, bud. A sword seriously would have been cheaper and more effective than his shotgun and M1911s. Or a hammer. Use a damn hammer! Why a hammer against vampires? Because the vampires have spines that are made of glass. Well big deal right? Nope that's the only way you can kill them. By breaking their incredibly fragile spine. Huh...

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Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat

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Despite it's own best attempts to keep it down, like its terrible VHS cover and misguided title, this western with vampires is an absolute must-do and instant classic. Can we finally have peace with the bloodsuckers?

So the premise here is that vampires have been sent into hiding and chose a small town in the west called Purgatory to sit out the years in relatively quiet peace built by Count Mardulak (David Carradine). They've built their own factory to produce a blood substitute so that they don't have to murder anymore and keep their numbers manageable. That's all going well until the Mayor or guy in charge of staffing (?) Ethan Jefferson (John Ireland) hatches a plan to take over the town and return to the old bloodsucking days. Add in a visit from Van Helsing's descendent (Bruce Campbell) and a family of four with a history to the CEO of Vampire Science Co and you've got a volatile situation brewing.

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Fist of the Vampire

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A group of trash vampires waste their immortality so that they can focus on their location-rotating fight club that has less rules than Tyler Durden's. The only thing that can stop them - horrible karate, bullet dodging DEA agents, and post-production effects that are just the presets in Adobe Premiere. Yuck!

Let's get out the disclaimer on this one - it's extremely budget and put together by people who have no experience in film, but hey! They got it done, right? They got their movie finished. So we'll give them that.

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Vampire's Kiss

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Academy Award winning Nicolas Coppola (he's not the Nic Cage we know and love yet) stars as a completely insane man and gives a completely insane performance in a movie that seems to be about vampires but....no. It's known as a true stinker but we have a different take.

This film has its flaws for sure. There's some technical flaws, there's some bad shots, way too much stock footage, a piss poor actress with a huge head that isn't deserved but for the most part it's a solid piece. The mystery from Vampire's Kiss stems from the over the top performance by Nic. So let's just discuss his little acting job.

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Prelude to Queen of the Damned

Prelude to Queen of the Damned

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It's week 2 of our 3 episode Halloween trio of horribleness. This week Aaliyah stars in a sexy vampire movie called Queen of the Damned from 2002. While it avoided the Razzies completely this film was still quite pandered by critics but in the years since has gained a pretty heavy cult following. Is it because its filled with annoying glitter vampires or is there some merits to the shenanigans?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • Private School - HBO Now
  • Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror - Youtube
  • Dark Was the Night - Netflix
  • Motel Hell - Amazon & EPIX

Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor

  • Casper, the Friendly Ghost - Casper
  • Slimer - Ghostbusters
  • The Wolfman - The Wolfman

About Queen of the Damned - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

The film is a loose adaptation of the second and third books of Anne Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles, taking its name from the third novel. Anne Rice is known as a writer of high class, a chief example would be her novel; The Taking of Sleeping Beauty, where sleeping beauty is woken not by a kiss but by a dude humping her comatose body. Which, to get sidetracked, if you haven’t seen Almodivar’s Talk to Her, you should check that out. In 2005, she started a new series entitled: Christ the Lord, it chronicles the early life of Jesus. I just can’t imagine. There is a chance that it is just a gussied up fill in the blanks, there is a larger chance that Jesus walks into the desert and finds so many other young men. She might just turn the desert into a metaphor for an activity that is hot and dry…

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Near Dark

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Near Dark is highly praised for being the best vampire movie ever made. However that's like saying that the Pinto is the best car that explodes on impact ever made. Its the tale of a farm boy who falls in love with a wandering stranger that's not like any of the other girls. He then goes on a wild ride with a gang of nomads in a van until sunlight wins the day again.

Well....we don't like this movie. We found it to be a colossal disappointment with some really misses. In that, the primary problem with this film is that Bill Paxton is incredible. You heard it. Bill Paxton does a fantastic acting job. He nails it. He's infectious. He's memorizing. "Why is that a problem?" you might ask. Because there's far too little of him on screen. His role is super limited and angered us. Hey Bigelow, we want more Paxton!

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Prelude to Near Dark

Prelude to Near Dark

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Brought to you by World War V. It's every single badass vampire killer vs every stupid vampire from the last 10 years. Blade leads Buffy, James Crow and the Frog Brothers against the Twilight buttholes, John Depp's Barnabas, Selene from Underworld, and Luke Evan's Vlad.

It's time we take a look at one of the highest praised vampire movies of all time. It's Near Dark starring Bill Paxton, Adrian Pasdar and Lance Henriksen. Is Near Dark really that awesome or is it just one of the first films that stray from Bram Stoker's Dracula and Nosferatu? Justin is rolling the dice with this pick as it is so highly praised. Could this be the second "good" film reviewed by this "bad" movie podcast?

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