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Highlander 2: The Quickening

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Whether they are spacemen or from 1999 or from before the dinosaurs, The Immortals make some really stupid decisions and are pretty bad for Earth. How bout there can only be none?

If you're a fan of mind-bending and utterly nonsensical movies, then "Highlander 2" is your ticket to an alternate reality where coherence takes a vacation and weirdness reigns supreme.

The film kicks off with a bang, introducing us to the flying porcupine brothers. Yes, you read that right. These airborne creatures are an essential part of the movie's charm, leaving audiences scratching their heads and wondering if the scriptwriter had a secret petting zoo of mythical creatures hidden away or a crack addiction. Either is the only reason why you would include these two boneheads who look ridiculous and act even worse in your Highlander movie.

One of the standout moments has to be the love scene against a dingy city wall. Forget romantic sunsets or candlelit dinners; "Highlander 2" throws you into the lovely ambiance of a dirty wall in a crowded street somewhere between bizarre and uncomfortable. It's the kind of love scene that makes you question the director's choices but also keeps you glued to the screen out of sheer curiosity.

Michael Ironside's character is a whole other level of ludicrous. His over-the-top performance adds a delightful layer of absurdity to the film. You can't help but chuckle at the sheer audacity of his character's antics. Ironside seems to have embraced the chaos, turning his role into a masterclass of overacting that deserves its own spotlight.

And then there's Sean Connery's character, who apparently missed the memo on the rules of mortality. The film doesn't bother explaining how he's miraculously alive again, leaving us to ponder whether there's a magical head-putter-back-on machine somewhere in the Highlander universe or if Connor McCleod's affection for Ramirez is enough to resurrect the dead.

"Highlander 2" is a head-scratching, eye-rolling, and laugh-out-loud experience that defies logic at every turn. It's a cinematic rollercoaster that leaves you questioning the boundaries of storytelling and wondering if the scriptwriters were playing a game of "how many absurd elements can we fit into one movie?"

If you're in the mood for a movie that embraces the chaos, revels in the nonsensical, and features flying porcupine brothers, "Highlander 2" is your golden ticket to a world where anything goes, and explanations are for the weak. Strap in, and prepare for a ride you won't soon forget – whether you like it or not. We loved it.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:2-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Nonsensical Plot:5-star

Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:7-star

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Double Trouble

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The Paul Bros. bench-press their way into our hearts and into a crime caper where they have to put their backs together and look over their shoulders with expressions that say, "You did it?" and "No, I thought you did it?"

In the vast landscape of '90s comedies, "Double Trouble" emerges as a hidden gem that not only stands the test of time but also showcases the surprisingly impeccable comedic timing of the Paul brothers, turning what could have been just another buddy comedy into a riotous joyride.

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Bloodfist III - Forced to Fight

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Don "The Dragon" Wilson is not the same guy as the first two or the last five movies. This time he's in prison and......oh sorry fell asleep.

If you're searching for a thrilling martial arts experience, "Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight" ain't it. This lackluster sequel not only fails to capture the essence of its predecessors but falls flat on every front, from its uninspiring plot to its lackadaisical fight choreography.

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Rockula

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Dean Cameron is a vampire who doesn't bite people but has to relive the death of his beloved Moana who is killed every 22 years by a pirate wielding a ham-bone. But not this year, buster!

"Rockula" is an absolute blast from the past that's so bad, it's fantastic! This 1990 gem takes the term 'cult classic' to a whole new level. Let's start with the music – it's so gloriously terrible that it somehow becomes insanely catchy. The tunes are like a guilty pleasure you can't help but hum along to, despite their wonderfully cheesy lyrics and over-the-top '80s vibe.

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The Rookie

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Eastwood and Sheen team-up to accomplish....nothing really. Its maybe the worst written movie we've done and that includes M. Knight Shamalamadingdong stuff.

Let's start with the positives, shall we? The stunts in this movie are so over-the-top, I suspect the entire budget went into explosions and car chases. It's like they set a new record for the most pyrotechnics used in a single film! If you're in the mood for gratuitous action that defies all laws of physics, "The Rookie" delivers like a pizza on a Friday night.

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Anaconda

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John Voight leads an idiot plot that ends with him being covered in goo but getting to be featured as the star of a documentary filmed by people he tried to kill. Snakes on a boat!

Let's face it: "Anaconda" is not meant to be a serious film. It shamelessly embraces its own absurdity, delivering a rollercoaster of ridiculousness that CAN leave you grinning.

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Deep Rising

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Insurance fraud goes awry when The Kraken pulls down the might Argonautica and Treat Williams flies through the Death Star explosion.

This movie is an absolute gem that will have you on the edge of your seat... with laughter! Picture this: a luxury cruise ship on a routine trip, a group of quirky mercenaries, a humongous tentacled monster, and chaos that ensues. If that doesn't pique your interest, I don't know what will!

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Secret Agent Club

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Terry Hogan finds himself in need of rescue from VR torture by a group of precocious scamps who discover they love the smell of burning man flesh.

First things first, let's talk about Hulk Hogan's acting prowess. Or lack thereof. His line delivery is about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, and his attempts at emotional depth are about as convincing as a toupee made of spaghetti. But hey, we're not here for Oscar-worthy performances, right?

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Tammy and the T-Rex

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Denise Richards rides on the back of a mechanical dino housing Paul Walker's brain. Well that sound preposterous! Well it is and its great.

Tammy and the T-Rex steps in as a refreshing breath of absurdity and pure entertainment. This 1994 masterpiece (yes, masterpiece!) takes a giant leap away from the conventional somber depths of remakes of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, instead bringing us a low-budget, high-energy romp that defies all logic and embraces its own delightful brand of ridiculousness.

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American Ninja 5

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Hold on to your black belts, folks, because "American Ninja 5" is the ultimate karate kick to the face of movie-making! It's so ridiculous, it's actually kind of hilarious.

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No Escape

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Ray Liotta is one tough guy and he'll let you know about it. Its The Running Man meets Lord of the Flies and I don't think I asked for it.

So its an interesting idea for a film at this point in time. Ray Liotta wants an action role. Fine. So he's a former military hero who received a life sentence after killing his superior officer who made him do bad things. He's sent to a penal colony but is just too much of a headache so they ship him off to a tropical island paradise. Huh. There he must choose sides between the Outsiders (raiders in Fallout 4) and the Insiders (settlers in Fallout 4). He's poopy about both so instead he tries to figure a way off the paradise island to go back to the dystopian mainland because....he's poopy? I don't know or understand him.

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American Ninja 4

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Dudikoff returns as Joe Armstrong but does any of the magic of the first 2 films come with him? And can David Bradley match up to his Alpha Ninja? And can Karl stand in for Steve James? Nope, uh uh and wowie no way man.

So basically, our boy from AN3 Sean (David Bradley) pairs up with his buddy to save some POWs held captive by a snobby Colonel Neil Diamond and his terrorist pal Shah-Blah-Blah who want $50 million and blow up a nuke in NYC. Well Sean and Carl get nabbed and tortured so the USA calls in ol' Joe Armstrong to ninja up and kick his way through a ninja training camp to free them all. The usual stuff here. Along the way he travels to Barter Town, fights in Thunderdome and recruits a horde of barbarians to invade the baddies fortress. Joe then finds the captives, proves his superiority to Sean, kills Sean, finds out dead Sean is an imposter (because?) and then wanders off.

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Feeders 2: Slay Bells

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Yeah these guys aren't taking over a mound of dirt. A handful of little and very inept ETs come to Earth to mess up the holidays for a family. Little did they know, they aren't good at anything.

So its a super 0 budget film that is put together by the Polonia brothers as part of their long running series of hobby films. That might turn quite a few people off but somehow this one that should cause some nausea manages to maintain a level of charm throughout. There's no sense of "I'm making the next Gone with the Wind" ego that comes with similar film makers, like Neil Breen or Tommy Wiseau. There's also no garbage hot take like you get with James Nguyen. There's just this sense that they wanted to have fun making a movie and that comes across very clearly.

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Any Given Sunday

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Knock Off

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The Russian mafia hatches a plan to blackmail America with the threat of Greek Fire microchip bombs delivered via Chinese counterfeit Levi's. The only thing standing in their way is CIA agent and his mark, a pants seller. Whatta bombshell plot!

So its the film that kept JCVD out of movie theaters all the way until The Expendables. And there is a pretty good reason for that. Its either a) confusing, b) vague, c) nonsense, and/or d) completely stupid. Which I guess, makes its more confusing than anything. The biggest problem is the editing. This suffers from that terrible time in the late 90's and early 00's of over editing and slo-mo in scenes that don't call for it. There was also 20 minutes of action sequences cut out of the film and instead all the Rob Schneider stuff is left in. Nice.

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3 Ninjas Kick Back

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3 little hemorrhoids, who are trained to be silent assassins by their "Ninja Tournament" winning grandfather, go to Japan to recover/keep a dagger that is used to unlock a treasure vault/give the same dagger to the winner of the "Ninja Tournament" in time to get home for little league played by adult men and farts.

I can't express my contempt for 3 Ninjas Kick Back in words. I will instead commit Seppuku because I have made suck poor choices in my life that I have dishonored my family name by seeing it. Goodbye, cruel world.

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Drive

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The guy from Double Dragon teams up with the guy from a spinoff of The Cosby Show (ew) and that lady who died of mold in that documentary in one of the most under-rated bonkers banana business masterpieces of karate comedy ever put to film. 

What a undiscovered treasure this masterpiece is. Just one year after this was released to video a movie was put in theaters and received much acclaim, success and two sequels called Rush Hour which is a clinic in film ripoffery if I've ever seen one after 20 years later watching Drive for the first time. There is no possible way that Brent Ratner didn't watch Drive and then say "yeah I'm gonna do a lot more of that in my film". There's no way. It's a travesty that this film wasn't a bigger deal because it is SOOO vastly superior to Rush Hour. Maybe just not as marketable to a mass audience.

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The Flintstones

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Good ol' Fred Flintstone gets caught up in a criminal conspiracy to defraud Slate Co's investors and embezzle millions of shells all while risking the lives of his family and destroying his neighbor and best friend's career, home, family and his dignity. Whatta guy!

From the get-go you know something is wrong here. Fred is just a big of piece of toxic garbage. Yes, I know the character was based off Jackie Gleason in the Honeymooners but it is a real experience to go back and watch what a huge POS he was. The guy's entire existence is centered around being "the tough guy" that everyone loves and has only one motivation - being liked and admired. And that's where the movie takes us. Its such a far cry from Homer Simpson whose real sin is being a lazy moron. Inside and past the undigested donuts is a true golden heart. A loving father and faithful husband. But that ain't Fred... at least not until he has an epiphany while on the end of a hangman's noose (yup, you read that right). You might see something similar in other family movies where the guy goes from a great dude to being corrupted by money only to be redeemed in the end. Nope, not our Fred. He's always been a chauvinistic lay-about, with a fragile little ego that makes him ripe for storming the capital. Fred Flintstone is a bad person throughout this whole experience.

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Volcano: Fire on the Mountain

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The 90's most Xtreme dude finds himself on an erupting ski slope. We're gonna shred some gnar over that volcano right? Well....no.

What we've got here is another Zombeavers. You want to talk about a great premise and setup for a fun disaster film that you won't ever forget? This is it. Dan Cortese in the late 90's on the slopes. A volcano surrounded by snow ready to blow. A deadbeat dad that doesn't care if his son is dead. A character named Stan in a volcano movie!!! Yet, Dan doesn't shred the slopes and jump over the volcano. The volcano and snow face off is vague and stupid. When the deadbeat dad gets his justs deserts its unclear if he even dies. And Stan does NOT ever chuck a man. Booooo....

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Rage and Honor 2

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Kris and Preston find themselves having to work with Patrick Muldoon's hair to break up a diamond heist in Jakarta. Do they ever realize their unstated attraction? Does the US government see rewards for sending a high school teacher as a double agent? Can Richard Norton get his pants higher? No to all.

While Rage and Honor was a bit of a disappointment for its under utilized shenanigans, the sequel manages to go all in. Its not that they turned the amps to 11 because this feels like its own standalone piece that's unrelated in all ways to its predecessor. Tonally different and chock full of nanners, this is an absolute blast from start to finish. It starts with Cynthia Rothrock smashing her co-workers balls and ends with Patrick Muldoon falling off a crane in comedic fashion and never lets off the gas throughout.

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