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Strike Commando 2

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Michael Ransom is back but this time he's Brent Huff. Yet he manages to do all the same stuff as Reb Brown and adds on Indiana Jones to his abilities.

So this is an odd version of the "idiot plot". Yes it qualifies because the movie can't happen unless everyone is an idiot. But it gets weirder than that with Michael Ransom's (Brent Huff) actions. All you have to do is plant the slightest seed in Ransom's mind of something and the guy goes for it. Not only goes for it, but goes WAY overboard for it. Consider the beginning when he's told that his former commander, Vic Jenkins (played by a very out of water Richard Harris) is not dead as reported in the news and that the CIA is involved. Well instead of going through proper channels and just asking what the story is, he busts in to the office of the CIA handler and busts his family photo in his face. Maybe start with just asking questions. I mean the guy even had an appointment to meet with him. That meeting ends with a judo chop to the back.

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Steele Justice

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The toughest of the tough guys teams up with a 15-28 year old kid to take down the entire Black Tiger gang using only every gun from the 80's and sweet guitar riffs. No one can touch this guy - mostly because he's covered in sweat and their hands just slip off.

When it comes to butt movies, Steele Justice is possibly the most butt. Imagine every 80's tough guy staple and you've got it here. Epic guitar riff score, training montages, sweaty chest hair, perms, headbands, pastel sweaters, cut-off sleeves, big guns, atrocious dialogue and just being generally butt to everyone around you. Martin Kove has got "it" if "it" is super-butt.

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Rambo III

Rambo III
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John Rambo comes to us in the third installment of the First Blood/Rambo franchise in the pinnacle of 80's over the top action. It's fun, it's stupid, its violent, and ridiculous. But in the year 2016 and how much we don't really care for ethnic cleansing, it's also a little offensive.

If Rambo had been left in Afghanistan for about 3 months, the world certainly would be a different place than it is today and it's anybody's guess whether it would be better or worse. It could go either way, because sure he kicks the Russkies asses but he also teams up with the Mujahideen and I'm not sure that he didn't honestly believe they were worth fighting with. At no point does it seem anyone questioned the motives of the Mujahideen during filmmaking. They were fighting the Russians so I guess that must mean they are the good guys. It wouldn't take much longer before we learned that they were genocidal assholes. Ooo, poor taste in pals, John.

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Prelude to Rambo III

Prelude to Rambo III
John Rambo vs John Rambo

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Carolco decides its destiny by spending too much on a ridiculous film that involves a man causes fire and bullets to steer clear. It's the Stallord's one jillionth appearance on the show and we haven't even gotten to Tango & Cash, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot or Cliffhanger!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?

John Rambo (First Blood) vs John Rambo (First Blood: Part 2)

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Punisher: War Zone

Punisher: War Zone
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Our final film in our superhero threepeat is 2008's MCU bonkersfest Punisher: War Zone and its a masterpiece. Its the most violent, over the top, ridiculous, preposterous, bad-assery, poorly acted gem of an incredible time. It would have been impossible for this film to be successful but it is also impossible to NOT be a cult-classic. It's great.

Ray Stevenson kills it as the Punisher. There should be no other person to ever play Frank Castle (Sorry Joe Bernthal, Punisher doesn't have roof top conversations with men in tights; he just kills people). Ray's big, formidable, and hardly has any lines. He's brilliant.

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Prelude to Punisher: War Zone

Prelude to Punisher: War Zone

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In the last of our Superhero Threepeat, we are super jacked to bring in one of the most ridiculous (and awesome) films ever made. Its just one of only two "Marvel Knights" movies and I can't imagine why there weren't more. Ray Stevenson becomes Frank Castle in a bonkers and violent manner in Punisher: War Zone. Do not fail to watch this epic film.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Real or not real comic book characters?

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The Delta Force

The Delta Force
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Part 2 of Carl's Inaction in Action series, we look at Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin in the Cannon Group's The Delta Force. It's part best hijacking movie ever and then part iconic Chuck Norris ridiculous action. Sometimes you in suspense and then other times your slapping your head in how preposterous it is.

There's two movies here. One is a slow-paced, well directed, solidly acted hostage crisis movie. The other is 100 guys invading a country and blowing everyone up. The first 100 minutes have 0 shots fired. It isn't even until 114 minutes that The Delta Force starts firing bullets back. But once they start shooting they don't stop until there's about 3 minutes left in the film.

So again I have to review this based on the two different movies. The first movie is very frightening. You really feel fear for the characters and there's some very heavy and serious thematic elements brought up. This all may be even more relevant today than it was in 1986 (when the film was released). There's anti-Semitic conflicts and Holocaust connections. There's general terror as we all know how awful a plane hijacking is.

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Mercenaries

Mercenaries
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Watch the Movie on Netflix

Cynthia Rothrock builds a team of elite tough gals made up of Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, and Nicole Bilderback to take down a broad-shouldered Brigitte Nielsen who is hell bent on being the CEO of a bad-guy factory. With the power of plot convenience and inept villains, the team invade "The Citadel" to spring the kidnapped First Daughter and maybe some sex slaves.

So the movie achieves two things - becoming the best Asylum movie ever made and reminding us why the cast is still stuck in the C-list bracket. The acting can be quite bad, especially from Vivica A. Fox who reprises her role from Sharknado 2 as Hammered Shit. Cynthia Rothrock helps out by playing the top of the CIA, but choose the worst hair style of all time, usually found on 16 year girls from small towns in Nevada. Zoe Bell dons a poopy face through the whole thing because I guess that looks tough. However, Kristanna Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Brigitte Nielsen surprisingly do a really good job especially Nielsen who dispute going to hell in the looks department plays a very sinister and maniacal villain.

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Action Jackson

Action Jackson
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It's time for Jericho Jackson to try to live up to his nickname, yet for some reason he avoids the action for 3/4 of the movie. But when the action hits, boy does it hit. Vanity is the worst lounge singer of all time, Craig T. Nelson knows karate (at least his stunt guy does), and Sharon Stone just can't stay alive or happily married in any movie she's in. Get ready for some nonsense.

Action Jackson is named very inaccurately. When it comes to action, Jericho dials it up to about a 3. He spends most of his time not performing any action. He almost seems more like a stock broker than an action guy. Yes we know he jumps over a car, but the rest of the time he just kind of wanders around and asks people what the hell is going on around him. He's essentially the worst detective ever. Everyone knows the plot of the film except him (and us). The entire plan of the villian (Craig T. Nelson) is revealed to him by a beautician who has absolutely no contact with anyone or any events in the movie. Uhm...what?

Craig T. plays a guy named Delaplane who's motivation is to keep his hair from staying the same color, revolutionize the auto industry by building a Fiero, and bang drug addicts. He's married to Sharon Stone who gets murdered (was she the 90's version of Sean Bean?) because she asks a question. He can also do karate. You heard it. Coach can do karate. It may be one of the worst castings for a karate guy of all time. I'm not buying it.

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Half Past Dead

Half Past Dead
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Sam brings in Steven Seagal for his first time on Stinker Madness with his last time in the theaters and the reason for that becomes quite apparent. Oh and would someone please just off Ja-Rule within the first 4 minutes of this movie...please???? It's got Alcatraz, it's got gun fights, it's got slap fighting and it's also got all the characters from The Matrix! What could possibly be wrong with this film?

You know those movies that just get so boring after the first 5 minutes of action? This is one of those. It's really boring. Its quite hard to get attached to anything that is going on. Its another instance of characters and actors that you just want removed from your TV. It's also just a capsule of everything wrong with 2002. Its a long music video for any rap-rock band. Ick.

Ja Rule.....ugh. This guy sucks. Sucks so bad. He plays the obligatory tough street hood in just about any Seagal movie, yet he's the least tough guy ever caught on film. He constantly makes this squinty poopy face like a dog does when its curious or as if he's just taking bathroom selfies throughout the whole thing. He's worse than DMX. He's on par with Coolio.

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Invasion USA

Invasion USA
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Sam, Jackie and Justin delve into the intense neo-political sub-tones of Invasion USA...and all the Spolsions. Chuck Norris wears a curly mullet and tells you, "It's time to die" unless he doesn't also have a rocket launcher. BOOM!

So the fun thing about Invasion USA is Chuck Norris' impenetrable calmness. No matter what happens on screen, he's completely deadpan throughout and never raises his voice above a whisper ("Time to die, Rostov"). It's an achievement in non-excitement. Just look at the movie poster and imagine Chuck doing insane things with that expression on his face all the way.

The plot of this film is pretty ridiculous as well. There's some plan by an unknown group of assorted bad guys who appear to be from all over the world. It's affirmative action bad guy group as there's Russians, Cubans, Middle Eastern guys, and probably some Madagascans in there as well. Sam believes that they are mercenaries from all over and are only in it for the money. We still aren't sure what "it" is that they are in for, but it appears to be just invading the suburbs of Florida. Maybe it's just for general terror but then, how do you pay the mercenaries?

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Prelude to Invasion USA

Prelude to Invasion USA

We set for this week's Stinker with Chuck Norris making his first appearance. Also more Netflix Do's and Don'ts and Stinker Theater.

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