Gee, I don't know. Who could it be...? Could it be....SATAN????
Look, if you're going to watch Split Second, leave logic at the door, forget everything you know about biology, physics, or coherent storytelling, and just hold on for one wild, wonderfully ludicrous ride. This movie is a masterclass in "so bad it's good" cinema, a staggering tribute to neon-lit nonsense where none of it makes sense, but you'll be too busy laughing, cringing, and cheering to care.
Sasquatch finds the love of his life and then her husband smashes his head with a rock. Shakespeare it is not.
So a couple get hit with rocks and get lost in the woods. What ensues is Squatch gets a crush on the lady and wants to have some alone time with her. Standing in his way is some rednecks, her husband and a local sheriff that's coming down from a bad peyote trip. And its way weirder than that. Its a tiny little indy-budget movie that is like the John Wick of DTV horror films as in someone that is GREAT at makeup directs and writes a movie. The makeup is great (like the stunts in JW) but the story is baffling (unlike JW) with the world of Bigfoot being very confusing and dubious. Throw in some Native American weapons and some bark armor and Bigfoot just gets weirder and weirder.
A poisonous cat climbs into the body of another cat, escapes onto a crime yacht with some sexy coeds and proceeds to commit its own vigilantism. Its full on cat justice!
So let's get to the point - Uninvited is sheer ridiculousness. Its a GREAT bad movie. Every aspect of this thing is exactly what you're signing up for, especially if you like baffling and non-frightening movie monsters. Plus you've stacked all that with Stinker hall of famers Greydon Clark, George Kennedy and Clu Galager. Supplementing the cast is a very hot and totally 80's fashioned Clare Carey that went on to be the wife of Coach. Damn you Craig T. Nelson!!!!
In a post-apocalyptic world, a group of scientists find a pregnant lady and then the shenanigans ensue. A tea-drinking monster finds its way around their base, operating elevators and smashing speakers like The Who all with the singular objective of lady butt. The terror within, indeed.
Essentially, this is Alien but underground and in a singular location ("singular" twice in as many sentences? take that English 102). Somehow, somewhy monsters called "gargoyles" are around wandering the wasteland. They don't eat people or animals. They just kill men and have their way with the women. Once a lady is impregnanted a new gargoyle comes out and the process repeats. However the host is killed. And because they killed the men, there's no more ladies being born to sustain their species. These things are dumb. Their lifecycle is about 7 days and they have holes in their skin and can't close their jaw. I think the remnants of humanity will be just fine. You just need to wait them out, they'll die out on their own.
So what's fun here? Well, aside from their horrendously terrible rubber suit that the monster actor wears, its mostly the ineptitude of our band of heroes. While I say that humankind will be fine, I will retract that statement if the rest of us are as dumb as the occupants of Mojave Lab. Not to mention these guys are already dead from dehydration before the movie already started. There's no damn water supply! Ok, I'll move on. In one scene, they find themselves in a hall way that has oily rags in a bucket next to barrels that have "explosive" written on it. Of course, you're gonna explode your whole base. Our favorite character is Dr. Linda, who at point blank, tells her patient that all is fine - after being freshly raped and impregnated by a monster.
That ol' nasty Aztec cult living in NYC rears its ugly head again and resurrects a giant flying hotdog-turtle that eats bikini ladies. Meanwhile, a low level criminal butthole douchebag treats his girlfriend poorly and then takes a couple of barely working cops on an egg chase.
Believe it or not, this film shouldn't be called "Q", unless "Q" stand for "Quinn" because this film is not about a flying dinosaur(?) worshipped by an Aztec cult. It's truly about Jimmy Quinn, a low level criminal that doesn't understand how to do his job and his quest for fame and fortune, set to the background of a giant flying serpent attacking NYC. Here's a simple test to verify this: Tell us what the story of Q is in this film and then tell us what the story of Jimmy Quinn is in this film. You have a beginning, middle and end to Quinn; you understand his motivations, his relationships and his desires. Quinn is the main story.
This week its time for a definite must see stinker in Q: The Winged Serpent, starring Michael Moriarty, David Carradine, and Richard Roundtree. Sam and Justin have already proclaimed this as making both their Top 10 Year in Review films so you don't want to miss this one.
Make sure to pick this 50 movie set Sci-Fi Invasion at Walmart. There's a ton of great bad movies on it and we highly recommend it.
Gramps and Tucker from the If We Made It podcast join us for a Bad Movie Field trip with the most successful film of 2015, Jurassic World. It's been labeled by the geniuses of the Internet as a cinematic milkshake of bad movie tropes and not carrying the spirit of 1993's Jurassic Park. We ask, "What do you want from a monster movie?"
Jurassic World at its core is just plain silly. The employees are all buffoons, the CEO may be the worst one of all time, and Chris Pratt's jungle man routine is about as preposterous as Donald Trump being President. It's all just silly. Critics and haters alike complain about the film not taking itself seriously enough and Bryce Dallas Howard traipsing through jungles and stepping in dino doo doo in high heels, with a bevy of buzzwords like one-dimensional, cliche, and lackluster. Perhaps you should just stick with Kurosawa films, it's a friggin movie about dinosaurs eating people! You can claim that your precious Jurassic Park is a film about taking science too far without considering the consequences but ask any child (which is the franchise's target market, not you Beardy) and they will tell you its about dinosaurs eating people.
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