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Dirty O'Neil

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Officer Jimmy O'Neil avoids the hard life of hard-boiled cops by taking it easy and just banging ladies, until justice needs some sweet, sweet loving too.

"Dirty O'Neil," released in 1974, is a film that takes you on a wild journey through the low crime streets of suburban Los Angeles. While the movie has its merits, it certainly has its drawbacks, too.

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Gas Pump Girls

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Who knew that watching people gas up their cars could be such a bland experience?

"Gas Pump Girls" (1979) is a film that perfectly encapsulates the epitome of mindless cinema. From its ridiculous plot to its gratuitous nudity, this movie is a prime example of how a potentially entertaining concept can be utterly wasted in practice.

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Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)

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A tow truck driver decides to make a movie that teaches us a master class on how to boost cars. Someone knows way too much about stealing cars here.

So along the same vein as Miami ConnectionDeadbeat by Dawn, and The Room a guy who doesn't have any training or experience making movies uses his dubious personal funds to make his dream project - a movie. That's what H.B. Halecki did here. But he made a movie about what he knew - stealing cars. Ol' H.B. or Tobey by his friends, had a successful tow truck company which to me says he repossessed a lot of vehicles and so made a movie about breaking into cars and moving them without any one knowing. 

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Cannonball!

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Getting from here to there has never been so dangerous! Dom Delouse wouldn't have survived 30 feet from the start line.

So yeah, its a Cannonball run. That's about all it has in common with the Burt Reynolds classic. This isn't much of a laugh goofball screw fest. What we have here is something in between Deathrace 2000 and Cannonball Run. Its not really funny. Its not really that campy. But its not really a race movie either. Its like a little bit of everything. But wow does it have a lot of Hal Needham shenanigans that is missing from most Corman movies. Speaking of Corman, talk about a huge amount of cameos. Corman himself, Don Simpson, Martin Scorsese, Sly Stallone, Paul Bartel and Dick Miller! Wahhoo.

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Lifeguard

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Ex-Surfer and shirtless hunk Rick struggles with whether to continue on doing the thing he's too old for but loves or to not have sex with the 17 year old. See what I did there? Welcome to the Baywatch Prequel.

I mean seriously, this is just Baywatch right or the other way around? The story follows Mitch, I mean Rick, who is now 32 and still a beach bum lifeguard. So he has to make a choice: enter the suit-and-tie world of schmucks or keep on guarding and facing ridicule from society. Along the way, he takes on a new trainee (Parker Stevenson - yup THAT Parker Stevenson) who is attending college in the fall (possibly law school?), gets himself into a school girl crush/statutory rape situation, hooks up with an ex who is way out of his league and loses a lifeguard decathlon because he's getting too old for this shit. All this while sprinkled with various lifeguard activities that will one day become plot lines for entire episodes of Baywatch

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Gator

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Gator McClusky is back to punch dudes and kiss ladies. This time he's gotta bust his buddy Roy from the first movie. Oh that's not Roy? That's Jerry Reed? Huh.

So as discussed the primary problem with the first film, White Lightning, is its tonally all over the place. Its a goofy car chase movie. Its a murder revenge against a corrupt elected official. Its a sexy time in the swamp. Gator doesn't suffer from that. Thematically, its much more focused. Jerry Reed's Bama McCall is a bit of a goofy villain more in line with James Bond than a Michael Mann movie. You don't feel too icky about him. He's a low level crook running a protection racket and whooores. He's NOT Ned Beatty who is nuts and murders college kids for political dissent. He just likes doing the crimes. That's the level of villain you want for a goofy car chase movie, where the ladies love the handsome guy and cats go on burglaries.

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White Lightning

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Burt Reynolds faces off against Ned Beatty as the most frightening and real villain one can imagine. His method of vengeance? Crashing cars and banging ladies!

White Lightning is a cornerstone of what would happen for the rest of the 70's. Mostly Burt Reynolds in cars and doing his silly laugh. But really its influence goes so much farther than that. It sprinkles into trucking movies, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, Walking Tall, and anything that involves cars and bayous moving forward. Some of that is Hal Needham's stunt work, some of it is Burt's charm, but really it seems like it was just the natural filmic direction that matched the post-Civil-Rights-Movement and late Vietnam war culture of America.

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Penitentiary

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A film that rips off Justin's novel 35 years before he wrote it. Its a prison film (obs) that gets fast and loose with the rules of early release - time off for punchin' dudes.

Prepare for a short film review.

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Bare Knuckles

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He's a real tough guy, but almost everyone he deals with is just a bit tougher, but not tough enough to out tough his toughness. That was until he meets his weekly nemesis, Cat-Man!

So Zach Kane is a character. He's a total loser. He's a washed up boxer that now is a borderline vigilante who can barely make ends meet. While that seems like a fairly cliche character model for a late 70s action movie, there's a nice twist to Kane's character; he believes he's still one tough guy. He's never come to terms with his loserness, either by denial or just complete lack of context. He keeps getting his butt kicked by life and his own decisions but he's oblivious. Imagine Johnny Lawrence in episode 1 of Cobra Kai but never having any sort of redemption.

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Squeeze Play

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A town of MAGA boys get a parade each time they win a baseball game and the ladies have had enough of their bull. Sadly, their anger lasts about 24 hours. This is why we can't get anything done in this country.

According to Lloyd Kaufman, this is a women's liberation movie. I think he might have decided that way after the fact and the ties to women's lib are behind  boobie movie king, Andy Sidaris saying the same thing. Sure, its got women in leads who want to be treated equally to men, but these are straight up bimbos. Where Andy's ladies were strong and smarter than their male counterparts (also usually topless), Lloyd's lady baseball team are mostly only in it so they can either get their boyfriends back or make the boys fall in love with them.

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Thank God It's Friday

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It's disco fever time and the hottest club in LA manages to be one of the lamest clubs in LA at the same time. It's Jeff Goldblum, Donna Summer, Debra Winger and the Commodores giving us a 90 minute infomercial about disco life.

While Sam manages to be correct that this film doesn't have a plot, he's wrong in that it isn't any fun. Sure, it's not going to be for everyone - pretty much if you won't even admit that there was any decent songs during the disco era (I say screw you) you're not going to like any of this. Not because it's chock full of disco (it's mostly funk music) but because disco was so content-free and so is this film.

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Track of the Moon Beast

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Paul, the dubiously employed dirt digger, gets a case of moon brain causing him to become a "were-gorn" and eventually goes to critical mass all while his new girlfriend keeps him away from doctors and his buddy just wants him dead because its dinner-time.

Track of the Moon Beast is iconic drive-in/MST3K type material. You're sadly not going to find any surprises here. Just imagine Joel, Crow and Tom sitting down and whatever you can imagine to happen on screen will likely happen. There's just nothing new here for anybody. It falls into the same vein and suffering that Ssssssss does (and sadly last weeks Girl in Gold Boots). There's a smattering of good here but for the most part its 90 minutes of milk-toast.

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Dolemite

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Rudy Ray Moore dons the person of Dolemite who may or may not be a pimp, but is definitely awful at karate. In one of the most unique bad movies we've ever reviewed, Dolemite is unforgettable.

The major thing that is unique is that at least 90% of the cast is completely stoned. No one is drunk. Which is strange in a strange way. Why are bad movies usually filmed with drunk people but very rarely filled with everyone that is absolutely blazed. It makes for a very unique take in a bad movie.

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The Cat from Outer Space

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A cat walks off the ramp of his spaceship and hi-jinx ensue. Hope you like hi-jinx. Because we don't and we didn't.

If you are 8 years old, we'd love to hear from you if you enjoy this movie. If you're not, even if you were at one point, and you like this movie, we don't want to hear from you. We worry about your mental health and we can't help you. Please see a health professional immediately.

Tedious would be an understatement. Groan-inducing would be an understatement. Frustrating would be an understatement. In fairness, cruel to animals is an accurate statement.

Everything goes on for far too long. From the exposition, the character relationship building, to the goofball comedy, to the stunts, the list of things that are too long is too long.

You want all the characters to just stop what they're doing and leave the set and just have the cat solve its own problems, which would have done so in much more effective manners. It's a joyless, frustrating experience that leaves you wanting to punt the streaming device into the bin. Avoid The Cat from Outer Space at all costs, unless you are conducting MK Ultra style torture studies.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:1-star
Cheesy effects:4-star
Horrendous acting:3-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:1-star
Ridiculous stunts:2-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:0-star
Nonsensical Plot:3-star

Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:3-star

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TNT Jackson

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If you follow the podcast, this movie might seem a little familiar to you as its absolutely the same movie as Firecracker. The primary difference? A Playboy Playmate who has absolutely no business doing karate.

You'll probably realize very quickly upon view is that this might be the worst kung fu you've ever seen. It has to be. There can't be worse. Jeannie Bell is mind-boggling. She moves like a wet towel. And she's not alone. Filipino comedian, Chiquito (whom I guess is worthy of a singular name?) is in a race to be declared worst. It's really up for debate who is less athletic. If you can find us a movie with worse martial arts in it, we'd love to see it.

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Truck Turner

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Truck is coming for justice and vengeance (if that's possible). He's got a big hand cannon. He's got big shoes. And he ain't taking no crap from no back-talking pimps. So grab your ass, and prepare for the most badass movie we've reviewed.

Truck Turner is super-badass. From the soundtrack to the clothes to the dialogue to the plot to Yaffett Cotto to the cinematography it's got it. It comes in buckets and waves of badass. It's dialed to 11.5. It's a 90 minute quarantine with only one partner - badassness. This movie is badass.

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The Black Hole

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A couple trash-cans team-up to assist in the destruction of many soulless husks all on a mission that is never stated all so the villain can become Dante and rule all of hell from inside of a Cylon.

While that sounds absolutely nutty, we hope that you're able to get to any of those points because this movie's primary problem is...zzz...zzz. Oh I'm sorry, just thinking about this film put me to sleep like warm milk. It's painfully boring. Once you get past the excellent model work (that doesn't have enough shots), the spectacular theme by John Barry (which you're done with after the first 3 times you hear it) and Robert Forster just being Robert Forster (a damn pro), you're left with endless exposition, painful banter between the robots, a completely up-his-own-ass villain just for the sake of it and tedium. Endless tedium.

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Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

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So it turns out that Peter Frampton sucks - oh you knew that already? The Brothers Gibb surround themselves by people who can't sign and play as well as they do and let everyone else drag them into the depths of garbage. But Barry's hair looks amazing, at least.

Sgt Pepper's on it's face is a "do not do" movie before it even starts - you don't cover The Beatles unless you really are supremely talented, which The Bee Gees completely are, but the problem is that they allowed other people to be involved. You've got George Burns, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, Peter Nicholas (yeah, who?), Donald Pleasance, Stargard and Frankie Howerd all covering Beatles tracks. Look, only a few people get to do that and none of you are qualified. Stop it! Stop IT!

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Convoy

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All of the truckers team up to drive down the road hauling goods and.... freedom? Let's try that again. A bunch of cops chase a bunch of truckers down the highway because of their flagrant....trucking? Ok, ok, ok. Got it - Truckers Truck!

Seriously the plot of Convoy is one of the most dubious we've ever reviewed. One might argue that about 20 minutes of the movie actually has a plot of outrunning the law who wants to kill a fellow trucker because of abuse of power and racism, but that plot lasts for only a brief period. Within minutes of that plot being put together, the film shifts into Forrest Gump running across the US with people joining him because they think he's got all the answers. At no point, does anyone have a clue why they've joined a mega-convoy of truckers and why anyone cares about them.

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Breaker, Breaker!

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Chuck Norris launches his career by kicking lots of people in the chest and calling in his truckin' buddies to run a town over - yes the entire town. It's about as weird movie as you can get and hilarious throughout. Come on back, big rigger!

Now you can probably guess how much trucking vs. karate there is in the film and how silly the the combo of the two working together looks on screen. So let's go past that and talk solely about the villainy. The plot revolves around this town that has gone off the deep-end and has essentially declared independence from the state of California. Fine. What their deepest flaw is that they have no idea how to be bad guys. Their evil plot is to hijack truckers, steal their tv dinners, eat the tv dinners, crush the $80,000 truck in a crusher, sell the metal for $200, make moonshine, dump the moonshine on the ground, drink Wild Turkey instead and operate their legal system in the same manner as The Spanish Inquisition. There's no way that a band of truckers are going to run your town over - nope, this plan is perfect!....they said as the FBI is swarming them and filling each citizen full of hot lead.

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