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Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold

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Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone return with a few cast surprises and a completely different tone of movie than the first one. Give this one two tries at least. You might love it more if you see it again.

Yes, we know. This isn't near as silly and bonkers as the first one. Yes we know that they recycled pieces from the first one, namely the music and a few shots. Yes we know that the city of gold reveal is pretty unimpressive. BUT....

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King Solomon's Mines

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Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone team up in arguably the best/worst knockoff in film history and arguably Cannon Pictures most fun and most accessible project. Hashtag shenanigans to come.

Campy, cheesy, corny, and whatever C words you can come up (no not that one) fit here. While clearly being an attempt to ride on the financial coattails of Indy, King Solomon's Mines departs greatly in tone. Its more of a Errol Flynn knockoff than anything with Harrison Ford in it. Sure, there is no swashbuckling, but there's an endless parade of "adventure shenanigans", overly ridiculous villains, and constant damsel in distress scenarios with Sharon Stone's Jesse Houston.

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National Treasure

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Nic Cage goes on a deep quest to prevent his own hiring decision from ruining his plans to get super-rich. Along the way he confuses us with poorly written treasure clues, crazy eyebrows, word-association and flaunting Jerry Bruckheimer's watch.

National Treasure is arguably the most "blockbuster" movie ever made. It's filled with EVERY trick in the book for film-making that puts the butts in the movie seats. It's more crap that's ever been put in one burrito. The problem is that every single one of these tricks is as safe and risk free as can be. So yes, it's filled with stuff, but no is it anything you haven't seen 1000 times in other movies. 

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Templar Nation

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A team of undeclared researchers go on a dig in the middle of the desert only to discover a secret tunnel that leads to America's greatest secret. But if they'd only gone through the IKEA, they could have saved a bunch of time.Truly bad film's greatest secret itself.

Templar Nation is the true underappreciated and under served bad movie in the bad movie genre. While it should be on the same pedestals as The RoomBirdemic, and Fateful Findings, it sadly sits on Amazon Prime Video, buried in the midst of Asylum-like movies waiting for someone to please just take a chance on it. Sure, it doesn't have the behind-the-scenes "charisma" that say Tommy or Neil have, but the horrendously terrible job that Joseph James does to portray himself as a real-life LARPer stands as high as a vanity-piece gone awry as the other three.

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The Three Musketeers

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Once upon a time in Hollywood, we made movies around soundtracks and the movie took a second place in effort. At the height of that craze, we were left with this malarkey and the legend of Chris O'Donnell was born.

Let's get this out of the way; we've come a long way since swashbuckling was big and there's good reason. It stinks. Think of watching Henry Cavill mess a bunch of guys up in an alley during the first season of The Witcher. It's badass. Swashbuckling is not. "Yes, but the kiddies can't exactly watch The Witcher split a man's head in half with a silver sword, now can they? Oh wise podcast critic! Haha!" Charlie Sheen might say. Ok, well then think of Viggo Mortensen fighting orcs at the Battle of Helm's Deep, you winning bastard! Swash-buckling is a complete waste of time.

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Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time

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"Let's take the barbarian guy out of his world of fantasy and put him in our world of taxes and endless advertising," said a man in a tie once or twice. Unfortunately, for said tie guy, no fan of film has ever said, "Yes I want that." Yet this travesty of the genre still attempted to woo audiences by sending the Beastmaster into Los Angeles so we can watch what happens when he wants to get pizza. Hooray!

While the premise of this film is one that typically infuriates fans (see Masters of the Universe and Jason Takes Manhattan), Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time pleases from end to end. It has some sort of charm that doesn't make sense. The jokes are total crap. The acting is painful. There's no boobs. Yet somehow it all adds up to shenanigans that simple entertain lovers o' the stupid.

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Gwendoline

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A French director, named Just Jaeckin, gives us a serious boobie movie with Tawny Kitaen, Brent Huff, and Zabou in which they find the land of the Yik Yak, an underground future society of topless women. Its got our record for the highest boob count to date!

Well imagine a movie where there's about 100 different topless women. So I know you can just stop and be happy with that. But there's so much more to this film than a cavalcade of hot cans. 

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Shanghai Surprise

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Madonna and Sean Penn take a romantic honeymoon for their doomed marriage by filming a doomed movie. Imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark without any adventure and Romancing the Stone without any romance.

Now if one can come up with the plot thesis of this one, I'll give them a trophy. None of it makes a lick of sense. Character's motivations are dubious. Everyone's end game is devoid of existence. The best hypothesis we could make about this films plot doesn't work by the film's own rules. It's unfathomable.

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Unmasking the Idol

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Worth Keeter's first Duncan Jax film is one of the film-world's must undiscovered gems. It's a glorious romp of all things awesome. If you like any fun film ever, then Unmasking the Idol is right up your alley. It's banana's in the best manner.

Somehow Unmasking the Idol has gone under the radar since its debut 30 years ago. Only 88 user ratings exist on IMDB (including the rating we gave). Host of Stinker Madness, Justin, has it as his 10th favorite bad movie of all time. That is enough right there to have this movie have at least 100 user ratings on IMDB.

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Prelude to Unmasking the Idol

Prelude to Unmasking the Idol

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A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Wild Card - Who Wins in a Knife Fight

  • Boon (Unmasking the Idol) vs. Clyde (Every Which Way But Loose)

About Unmasking the Idol (1986) - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie. 

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Gods of Egypt

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2016's Gods of Egypt has not done so well at the box office nor with the critics, so its time for the SM team to take another bad movie field trip. Can the power of Gerard Butler and Jamie Lannister facing off against each other prove to be awesome?

This movie has been lambasted pretty hard by critics and the wiseness that is the Internet. So many people had mad-ons because there were 0 Egyptian actors in the film and its again just a bunch of white guys pretending to be ethnic, ie. Dracula Untold. Well I have a question....who gives a rats ass! If this film was chock full of Egypt's hottest stars (that aren't joining/getting murdered by Daesh) would it be a good movie? Nope. So eat shit, the Internet.

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Yor: The Hunter from the Future

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Yor does not come from the future. He comes from over there. Sorry for the spoiler. He is still awesome. The ladies love him, the men fear him and Yor believes himself to be the most rad dude of all time and he might be right.

Yor is one of those wacky Italian movies that believes to be a good idea with a good story but is just a mess of silly business. Yor bounces smugly from scene to scene veritably stating directly to the audience, "Hey, did you know I'm awesome? Cause I am." His motivations aren't clear, his actions are bonkers, and his idiom is dubious. He's great. He even has his own awesome theme song (Yor's World) that rivals "Do You Want to Be a Hero" from Biggles: Adventure in Time and "Stargrove" from Never Too Young To Die.

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Prelude to Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Prelude to Yor: The Hunter from the Future

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For years, Sam has been praising Yor: The Hunter from the Future and now its finally time to share it's hunky goodness with the rest of the world. Let the scantily clad ladies fill our eyeballs. Plus we don't talk about Star Wars OR Christmas!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

The Great Superpower Debate

The Super Penis

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Biggles: Adventures in Time

Biggles: Adventures in Time
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Some guy who is NOT named Biggle's has ONE adventure in just ONE time. So with an inaccurate title, we travel back and forth to 1917 to defeat the Nazi's secret sound weapon that makes things too hot. Don't ask too many questions.

Biggle's on paper sounds like a missed gem from our youth. The idea of a man named Biggle's traveling through time and having hijinx sounds like it would become your favorite movie when you're 12. Apparently the books are exactly that. But this movie is not. Biggle's is not the protagonist. It's a guy named Jim Ferguson who somehow gets transported back and forth from the present to 1917. So even he doesn't have "Adventures in Time" He just goes back to ONE time. So if you are looking for a sillier Bill and Ted's, you're not going to get it.

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Jurassic World

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Gramps and Tucker from the If We Made It podcast join us for a Bad Movie Field trip with the most successful film of 2015, Jurassic World. It's been labeled by the geniuses of the Internet as a cinematic milkshake of bad movie tropes and not carrying the spirit of 1993's Jurassic Park. We ask, "What do you want from a monster movie?"

Jurassic World at its core is just plain silly. The employees are all buffoons, the CEO may be the worst one of all time, and Chris Pratt's jungle man routine is about as preposterous as Donald Trump being President. It's all just silly. Critics and haters alike complain about the film not taking itself seriously enough and Bryce Dallas Howard traipsing through jungles and stepping in dino doo doo in high heels, with a bevy of buzzwords like one-dimensional, cliche, and lackluster. Perhaps you should just stick with Kurosawa films, it's a friggin movie about dinosaurs eating people! You can claim that your precious Jurassic Park is a film about taking science too far without considering the consequences but ask any child (which is the franchise's target market, not you Beardy) and they will tell you its about dinosaurs eating people.

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The Fantastic Four

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Before the flop of 2015, before the two turds in the early 2000s, there was 1994's The Fantastic Four. It's a film that was never meant to be viewed by the eyes of man but we are super happy that we can. We are joined by special guest, bad movie blogger and friend of the show, Brad Slager (@MartiniShark) who knows and loves this movie. Check out Brad's write up on FF at http://www.lifezette.com/popzette/the-first-fantastic-dud/.

While this film was meant to end up in the trashcan and only made in order to keep the film rights to The Fantastic Four (see also 2015), there is such a level of effort that is clear when watching this movie. All the actors are giving it their all. There's a real sense that the people involved really believed in this project rather than it just being a doomed project. Its a classic example of the Internet's definition of a good-bad movie of wanting to make a good movie and ending up with a really bad one.

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Damnation Alley

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Jan Michael Vincent and George Peppard go for a long ride across the American wasteland in a mega-truck. Along the way they find hill-billies, clever kids, mutated bugs and giant man-eating scorpions. Sounds exciting right? It's not.

The film itself is pretty much just riding around in the mega-truck for long periods of time. The action is few and far between and when it happens it truly looks terrible. The sky on fire is one of the worst effects ever "captured" on film and is where most of the money went. It's truly a shame as if they'd just spent the budget and time elsewhere this may have been a good time. Instead, the movie consists of:

  1. blow up world
  2. blow up only safe place
  3. drive to Albany
  4. get a bump on the head and die, get eaten by cockroaches, get raped by mutant rednecks, pick up a junior sized Peyton Manning, float motorhome from Detroit to Albany
  5. Profit?

We wish that we could give this a stamp of approval but unfortunately it's a waste of time.

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Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
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We take a look at the Kevin Costner and Kevin Reynolds epic turd that is Robin Hood. With special guests Hobbits, stunt butts, fisheye lenses, and a plot that makes absolutely no sense....oh and Shaun and Chelsea. Tallyho!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:
Cheesy effects:
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality:
Bad Movie Quality:

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Prelude to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Prelude to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

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This 0.5 episode is sponsored by Bryan Adam's Lost LOST Recordings as we get ready for Kevin Costner's to charm our way through the turd that is Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. This movie was a mega-blockbuster and we wouldn't be surprised of the amount of people that have no clue that this movie sucks so bad. It's cheesy, poorly acted, completely unbelievable, doesn't make any sense, and no one knows it. There's a cast of thousands with Christian Slater (ugh), Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio; all of them mail it in except for Costner and Slater who act as best as they can. Justin and Sam have history with this movie. Justin loved it when he was 14 years old. When it came out on DVD, Justin bought it immediately. Him and Sam then watched and immediately afterwards drove to Hastings to sell it back. They would only give him $.50 for it, so Justin threw it out the window of his car. Sorry environment. Blame Costner.

We start by wishing Sam a happy birthday (he now smells of Ben Gay.....cause he's old). We also want to share our YouTube channel specifically Our Recommended Movies playlist. These movies are completely free and are some of the best stinkers we've found on there. We'll try to keep this updated as time goes on. If you have any suggestions for movies to add to it that you find, please either email us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or visit our forums and let us know.

Stinker News

The Power Rangers are going to be back in theaters in 2016 - we all put this on our "not to do" list

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Flash Gordon

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Let the war for Planet Mongo begin! Its the QB of the New York Jets vs. Max Van Sydow's evil eyebrows, endless robots (are they robots?) and people that bleed oil. This is one bad movie...that rules.

Sam J. Jones from Playgirl and The Dating Game fame takes on the complex and emotionally challenging role of Flash Gordon, a guy who gains super fighting skills when holding things somewhat shaped like footballs. When the evil guy from Planet Mongo makes the weather of the world gets pretty messed up and natural disasters happen such as "Volcano, Volcano Eruption and Hot Hail", Flash Gordon must fall asleep on space rocket, fall in love by holding hands, and then wander around a few planet/moons/asteroids until he can unite the tribes of Mongo in order to stop Emperor Ming.

This film is really really really bad. It's fun, I'll disclaim, but it truly is a giant train wreck. It's made on the scale of a Cecil B. DeMille movie but looks about as good as a Roger Corman film. It's ridiculous. The set pieces are giant, the costumes are lavish and the visual effects are outlandish. But each piece is super super super dumb.

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