So the kaiju is a half-turkey/half-shopper hybrid. That helps.... a little.
Black Friday had the potential to be a fun and memorable addition to the horror-comedy genre. The premise of retail workers battling zombified Black Friday shoppers is clever, relatable, and ripe for satirical commentary on consumer culture. Unfortunately, the execution leaves much to be desired, resulting in a film that struggles to rise above mediocrity.
They put commercials on this platform and we then give us this garbage? Maybe time to switch to cable....
"Jackpot" (2024) is an absolute disaster from the get-go. The plot is so implausible that it feels like it couldn't exist in any universe, let alone ours. Nothing about it makes sense, and from the opening scenes, you're left scratching your head, wondering why the writers even bothered. The jokes? If you can call them that—seem unfinished, like someone wrote the setup and forgot to add the punchline. You're constantly waiting for a laugh that never comes. It’s awkward, and the humor falls completely flat.
A great movie if you're part of the "under the sweater/over the bra" crowd, but even they won't remember that they saw it.
Tarot (2024) is an absolute masterclass in how not to make a horror movie unless you are just providing background noise for teenagers to make out. If you ever wondered what happens when you throw every horror cliché, plot hole, and half-baked character motivation into a blender, this is it. The result is a film so dumb and poorly thought out that it almost circles back around to being entertaining—for all the wrong reasons.
From the get-go, Tarot feels like a checklist of horror tropes. Creepy old woman? Check. Spooky house? Check. Jump scares every five minutes? Double check. It’s as if the writers Googled "horror clichés" and decided to use every single one, especially stealing from Evil Dead and Final Destination. But that’s not even the worst of it. The plot is an incoherent mess, with gaping holes large enough to drive a truck through. Characters make baffling decisions with motivations that seem to change depending on the scene—or, more likely, on the whims of whoever was holding the pen that day.
The acting? Let’s just say that calling it appalling might be too kind. Every line is delivered with the enthusiasm of someone who just realized they left the oven on at home. The humor, if you can call it that, is cringeworthy at best. It feels like the movie is trying desperately to be self-aware, but instead, it comes off as painfully awkward.
And yet... there’s something about Tarot that makes it oddly watchable, at least for certain audiences. If you’re a fan of bad movies, you’ll probably find some enjoyment in how ridiculous it all is. It’s also the perfect flick for teenagers looking for an excuse to make out in the back row of the theater while pretending to watch the screen.
In short, Tarot is a trainwreck of a horror film, but if you enjoy watching a disaster unfold, you might just find yourself entertained—for all the wrong reasons.
Over the top action:
Cheesy effects:
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:
Nonsensical Plot:
Riffability:
Good Movie Quality:
Bad Movie Quality:
Just because it doesn't have a story or characters or any basis in reality doesn't mean its bad, right?
"Twisters" (2024) is a whirlwind of nostalgic fun that takes you back to the golden era of 90's blockbusters. While it may lack a compelling story, character depth, and a meaningful journey, it's a film that embraces its cheesy charm with gusto. From the first gust of wind to the last dramatic tornado scene, "Twisters" is an exhilarating ride that doesn't take itself too seriously.
I'm sorry, I already forgot everything about this movie. And so will you.
"A Family Affair" (2024) is a film that struggles to rise above mediocrity in almost every aspect. From its trite and mundane script to its overall tone and feel, which screams Hallmark Original, this movie is a disappointment on multiple levels.
Look into your future and see if you're gonna be in any other movies. Looks bleak!
"Madame Web" is a masterclass in how not to make a superhero movie or really any movie for that matter. From start to finish, it's a torturous slog through wooden acting, a plot riddled with more holes than Swiss cheese, and an antagonist so one-dimensional and implausibly powered that it feels like the writers stopped caring halfway through.
Thrill as J-Lo complains in a chair in front of green screen for 45 minutes. That butt, tho....
"Atlas," starring Jennifer Lopez, aims to be a thrilling sci-fi adventure but ultimately lands in the realm of forgettable mediocrity. The plot, which revolves around a dystopian future and a battle for humanity's survival, is riddled with flaws and holes that make suspension of disbelief a constant struggle. The storyline feels hastily stitched together, with plot twists that are more confusing than surprising.
Dalton hasn't calmed down much in 35 years but he's gotten a lot more polite when he's punching your nose into your face.
"Roadhouse" (2024) starring Jake Gyllenhaal offers a lukewarm viewing experience that leaves much to be desired. While the action direction from Doug Liman is undeniably thrilling, it's unfortunately overshadowed by a frustratingly lackluster script that feels like a missed opportunity at every turn.
I fell in love with these murderous undead bastards and there's nothing wrong with our love!!!
Lisa Frankenstein is a delightful film that takes classic Gothic horror elements and sprinkles them with an unparalleled whimsy. The movie hits all the right notes with precision and panache, creating a memorable viewing experience that leaves a lasting impression. This praise-worthy offering deserves applause for several reasons.
Thirsty vamps get Ubered around town on a poorly thought out territory takeover only to find true love in....Benny?
"Night Teeth," the latest Netflix Original Movie, is a cocktail of clichés served with a side of disappointment. While the premise promises a thrilling ride through the underworld of vampires, the execution falls flat, leaving viewers with a lukewarm taste in their mouths.
Bruce Willis says goodbye in the only way he knows how - by blasting fools with a shotgun. Merry Christmas - you're dead!
If you're a fan of detective movies, you will want a thrilling plot with well-thought-out mysteries and a satisfying resolution. Unfortunately, "Detective Knight Redemption" failed on all fronts. But, honestly, you should care about any of that. Read on.
It's a movie that made me wish I had the power of a mermaid so I could go heal the pain from watching it.
First of all, the plot is all over the place. It's like the writers couldn't decide if they wanted to make a historical drama or a cheesy fantasy movie, so they just threw everything together and hoped for the best. The result? A confusing mess that made me want to pull my hair out. Speaking of hair, let's talk about Pierce Brosnan's.
You know the story. Bear finds coke. Bear eats people. Bear community is destroyed by illicit drugs. Rampant racism takes over bear cops. Struggle is real.
There's not much I can say about the plot that you don't already know. So lets just skip through that. So lets ask this - does it keep the momentum for the runtime that the trailer has? Well...no. Sadly I think that any excited about the movie will be disappointed. Its a little too tame for what you're sold. But if you go in expecting to be disappointed you might be alright. When you've been disappointed by so many movies of this vane, you expect another Wolf Cop. So maybe all that disappointment will work out for you.
Planning on holding hostages over the holidays? Better think again, because Santa will straight mess you up in so, so, so many ways.
In the late 70's and 80's there was a string of terrible "Christmas" movies that featured Santa or a Santa facsimile going on a murderous rampage (Santa's Slay, Santa Claws, Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3, et al.). It could be an easy mistake to confuse this movie with that band of sellout cash grabs. Violent Night is far from any of those films.
Go to a beach resort and find yourself craving Worther's and looking for the Ben Gay. M. Knight is back on the podcast for another chapter in his nonsensical filmography.
So if you saw any trailer for this movie (see above) you already know the hook and most of the plot. You might expect some big twist considering the director and there is one but its very small and doesn't really change much so we're going to not worry about it very much here. What we are going to worry about is the incredibly stupid and nonsensical plot of being trapped somewhere that makes you age rapidly (50 years in 24 hours to be precise). Let me start by saying that there are plot holes big enough to drive a truck through. Some of that is physics based, some of that is "well we can't put that in a movie", but the biggie is that it breaks its own rules, which is a staple for M. Night Shyamalan.
A lack of the scientific method causes a medical failure that could still be cleared up with just a simple conversation. Yes, the MCU has their own idiot plot now.
So basically, Michael Morbius has a rare, but vaguely proclaimed, bone/muscle disease that gives him and his bestie "Milo" (played by Matt Smith) a ticking clock of death that requires him to create a remedy that he alone can test on himself. I think I've heard of that before. Maybe from Robert Louise Stevenson. Anyways, he takes the potion and becomes a vampire-bat-man. Not a vampire. A man who is also a vampire bat. Milo sees his powers and decides to join him, but eats too many people so they have to fight.
Nic Cage plays Nick Cage and that's about all the trailer tells you about this. Its so much more than you think it is.
If ogres are like onions, UWOMT is the state fair winner of onions stuffed inside of the Earth's core. Even a hardcore Nic Cage fan (hello!) will have to watch this three or four times to peel away each layer of self awareness and subtle statements and meta, meta, meta. Its too deep to even get into without ruining it in a silly blog review. Yet, somehow it breaks all the rules of a layered film as its incredibly accessible to the masses. It shouldn't work as it has something for everyone including the film snobs and the casual popcorn eater and yet says directly in the dialogue that a movie such as that cannot work. Its like if Salvador Dali painted naked ladies holding American flags atop tanks that are shooting at Martian invaders.
The moon is falling! Deploy Operation: Duck and Poo Yourself. Roland Emmerich takes us on another destroy Earth roller coaster, but does he capture the any of his past or is this just another Midway?
So the moon is a big space base and because of rogue nanobotic AI trying to destroy mankind, it sucks up all the moons power supply like a Tesla's battery going uphill and causes it to plummet towards Earth. So with what minimal resources can be mustered, a disgraced astronaut, the director of NASA and Art Bell's nephew must fly to the moon and punch that AI in the mouth! Seems legit. Lets move on.
2 down on their luckers attempt to right the course of their financially destiny, but a young Joe Manchin stands in their way and he's serving up deadly coal for breakfast.
What Home Sweet Home Alone manages to do is cause empathy for struggling Americans in a way that MSNBC could never home to imagine. This whole time we only needed Max Mercer to unite the country and feel bad for those less fortunate. Its as if we were Ebenezer Scrooge and Max Mercer is all 3 Ghosts of Christmas who just repeatedly puts poor people in comas with billiard balls. "Take it away, spirit. I can endure no more" said I as little Max stabs Jeff in the heart with a three foot long icicle.
The faerie folk who may or may not be all leprechauns have been living peacefully in the center of earth (or Middle Earth as some may call it) while a smug little kid who needs to be punted says he wants to team up with them but ends up shooting all of them. Get to the Time Portal, Uter!
Artermis Fowl is a giant piece of crap. With or without, the departures from the book series, this is a giant piece of crap. It's bad from top to bottom. Every single person failed at their job (with the exception of Colin Farrell who doesn't have time to screw it up). From the effects, to the writing, to the directing, to the editing, to the acting, to the sound design, to the props department. Failure. I'm surprised this team isn't in charge of the Covid-19 response. Yikes.
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