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A great movie if you're part of the "under the sweater/over the bra" crowd, but even they won't remember that they saw it.

Tarot (2024) is an absolute masterclass in how not to make a horror movie unless you are just providing background noise for teenagers to make out. If you ever wondered what happens when you throw every horror cliché, plot hole, and half-baked character motivation into a blender, this is it. The result is a film so dumb and poorly thought out that it almost circles back around to being entertaining—for all the wrong reasons.

From the get-go, Tarot feels like a checklist of horror tropes. Creepy old woman? Check. Spooky house? Check. Jump scares every five minutes? Double check. It’s as if the writers Googled "horror clichés" and decided to use every single one, especially stealing from Evil Dead and Final Destination. But that’s not even the worst of it. The plot is an incoherent mess, with gaping holes large enough to drive a truck through. Characters make baffling decisions with motivations that seem to change depending on the scene—or, more likely, on the whims of whoever was holding the pen that day.

The acting? Let’s just say that calling it appalling might be too kind. Every line is delivered with the enthusiasm of someone who just realized they left the oven on at home. The humor, if you can call it that, is cringeworthy at best. It feels like the movie is trying desperately to be self-aware, but instead, it comes off as painfully awkward.

And yet... there’s something about Tarot that makes it oddly watchable, at least for certain audiences. If you’re a fan of bad movies, you’ll probably find some enjoyment in how ridiculous it all is. It’s also the perfect flick for teenagers looking for an excuse to make out in the back row of the theater while pretending to watch the screen.

In short, Tarot is a trainwreck of a horror film, but if you enjoy watching a disaster unfold, you might just find yourself entertained—for all the wrong reasons.

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Tommy and Anne face off against some hot magma ("What's Magma?") in the first of two 1997 volcano movies. This one features a lead character who should be fired and never hired for his job, a slew of disaster movie cliches (Dog never dies, anyone?) and Stan, the Man-Chucking Man in possibly the stupidest movie we've ever seen on this show.

Let's start off by declaring how incredibly dumb this movie is. Every single bit of "science" is telegraphed to the audience because "Hey! They're stupid!" such as the definition of tectonic activity, gravity and magma. The volcano has a mind of its own and has Tommy Lee Jones sense meaning if Tommy is coming its sneaky and hides from him. The government officials of LA have no clue how things should work and it seems Tommy's Roark is the mayor as everyone calls him or reports to him daily even before the eruption. The Chief of Police even calls to obligatorily yell at someone, even if its completely unrelated to Emergency Management of which Roark is the director of. I can in no way define how stupid this movie is because in order to define something you must possess some semblance of intelligence. That would be a slap in the face of this movies lack thereof.

In what very well may be the worst mad scientist plan of all time, Professor Stoner (didn't make that up) turns innocent David from Man to Snakeman to.....well mongoose lunch. It's ssssssso ssssssstupid! It should be mentioned that no other film on this podcast is as worthy of being a MST3K episode.

Sssssss suffers from being not only very poorly thought out but also has some of the least movie making efforts ever attempted in film. It's not quite as useless as Frogs but tries to dupe us that it is a film but just showing shot after shot of crazy! snakes. However, they are live snakes and the actors aren't trained professionals so that at least makes these sequences viewable. Each sequence of snake business is spent wondering if the actors are going to get bit or smooshed or if they are accidentally going to kill one of the little serpents. ASPCA be damned!