When martial artists desire to be "the most popular girl" - Top That!
There are ninja movies, and then there’s Wu Tang Vs Ninja—a film that feels like it was assembled from a fever dream involving late-night cable, a kung fu catalog, and someone half-remembering Star Wars after watching Teen Witch. It’s baffling, chaotic, and completely committed to whatever bizarre wavelength it’s operating on. And honestly, that commitment is what makes it such a blast.
Chuck, we can't understand the plot because we can't understand your inner monologue. Just kick people in the face!
There’s a version of this movie that exists somewhere in the fog of its own whispery voiceovers—a lean, paranoid ninja thriller starring a prime-era Chuck Norris. Unfortunately, what we actually get is something bafflingly stupid and surprisingly hard to follow. Dialogue drifts in and out like it’s being transmitted through a malfunctioning shortwave radio. Exposition arrives in murmured internal monologues that feel less like insight and more like someone forgot to turn off the narration mic.
Did you pack your Ninja Springs, honey?
There are ninja movies… and then there is Super Ninja (1984)—a film so aggressively committed to every ridiculous shinobi trope ever conceived that it loops right past parody and into accidental genius. If you’ve ever wanted to see color-coded assassins deploy zip-lines, burrow through the earth like caffeinated gophers, and—yes—water-ski in full ninja regalia, this is your holy text. And just when you think the well has run dry, it introduces portable ninja trampolines as a legitimate method of tactical traversal. Cinema peaked here.
Fact: Real ninjas throughout history used jazz hands to assassinate their targets.
"Dancing Ninja" might not be everyone's cup of tea, but if you're into a movie that revels in its own absurdity, you'll find a lot to love here. The film's corny jokes hit just the right note, and its satire—though subtle at times—adds a clever twist that keeps you on your toes. Every member of the cast and crew clearly put a tremendous amount of effort into the project, infusing each scene with passion and a genuine commitment to the film’s offbeat vision.
Revenge is best served at the end of a katana sword that your wife bought for you at the mall. Time to make some floured eggs.
Suit up, ninja enthusiasts, because "New York Ninja" is a wild ride that takes us back to the glory days of 80s action cinema. This 2021 hidden gem, rescued from obscurity, brings us a delightful mix of a ridiculous plot, unintentionally funny fight scenes, an incredibly awesome music score, and an insane villain known as "The Plutonium Killer."
Hold on to your black belts, folks, because "American Ninja 5" is the ultimate karate kick to the face of movie-making! It's so ridiculous, it's actually kind of hilarious.
Dudikoff returns as Joe Armstrong but does any of the magic of the first 2 films come with him? And can David Bradley match up to his Alpha Ninja? And can Karl stand in for Steve James? Nope, uh uh and wowie no way man.
So basically, our boy from AN3 Sean (David Bradley) pairs up with his buddy to save some POWs held captive by a snobby Colonel Neil Diamond and his terrorist pal Shah-Blah-Blah who want $50 million and blow up a nuke in NYC. Well Sean and Carl get nabbed and tortured so the USA calls in ol' Joe Armstrong to ninja up and kick his way through a ninja training camp to free them all. The usual stuff here. Along the way he travels to Barter Town, fights in Thunderdome and recruits a horde of barbarians to invade the baddies fortress. Joe then finds the captives, proves his superiority to Sean, kills Sean, finds out dead Sean is an imposter (because?) and then wanders off.
Is there a Blood Hunt? Are there actually ninjas? Is there anything in this movie at all? Hopefully we have answers but its not looking good.
So I'm gonna try to sum up the plot here. A pair of criminals launch their criminal empire by stealing the box office of a local karate tournament. Ten years later, they plot to create a super-virus to sell to terrorists but in order to prove it works, they must inject it into the world's toughest ninja and watch him die. To do this, they have their lead ninja disguise herself as his adoptive karate dad and the secretary for the Ministry of the Interior....nope I can't do it. This crap makes no sense.
3 little hemorrhoids, who are trained to be silent assassins by their "Ninja Tournament" winning grandfather, go to Japan to recover/keep a dagger that is used to unlock a treasure vault/give the same dagger to the winner of the "Ninja Tournament" in time to get home for little league played by adult men and farts.
I can't express my contempt for 3 Ninjas Kick Back in words. I will instead commit Seppuku because I have made suck poor choices in my life that I have dishonored my family name by seeing it. Goodbye, cruel world.
It's got a random gorilla, a laser "unit", eyebrows that change from shot to shot, a trio of tough ladies, possible ninjas and a dubious plot to build the Infinity Gauntlet so you know this must be a Jim Wynorski movie. Bring on the chesty women!
If you've ever seen a Jim Wynorski film, you know of two things to expect: the left boob and the right boob. This one is no different. It's just a silly budget movie with a fairly standard plot (a trio of chesty ladies team-up to destroy an evil plot to take over the world) but that's where the convention ends. Things get pretty loosey goosey with regard to its own script as Jim runs roughshod with his own project. It's glorious.
We take one of the most beloved stinkers of the last decade and find a new reason to justify the entire plot - a rumble to the death over the most important theme of the 1980's - high fashion.
Miami Connection is at the top of the list for most fans of crummy films and this is no accident. It's truly one of the most accessible bad movies of all time. Where some may struggle to view The Room and Fateful Findings there is something for everyone in YK Kim's masterpiece, especially those from the 80's or have 80's nostalgia. While those two items are helpful, they are not required. You can show this to just about anyone, from all ages and all walks of life.
Sho Kosugi makes his return for a second week in another oddball ninja movie where Sho plays a guy named "Ninja" but doesn't actually operate as a ninja. Instead he's a member of an elite force of anti-terrorism and drug trafficking controllers alongside Brent Huff and Emilia Crow. Hope you enjoy murder!
While still technically a ninja film, this is basically a buddy-cop movie with super agents instead of cops. The dynamic between the three members of DART (especially Kosugi and Brent Huff) is one of having a great time killing bad guys and seducing women. Lots of winks & guns and head shaking while the other struggles to dispatch villains. The chemistry works (despite all voices being dubbed) and is good for a laugh at each point. Imagine Andy Sidaris directing a ninja film (even though he kind of did).
When you want to have a freelance cop go outside of his jurisdiction to take down a drug-lord, you better make sure he's a ninja. Just make sure you never address how he became a ninja or address him as such. Its not fair to the other DEA agents to have a ninja in their ranks.
If you're down with a cop/ninja killing lots and lots of people without determining if they are a) bad, b) part of the plot or c) posing any threat to life or property, well this is a film for you. If you're down with various forms and iterations of any cliche' bad guy ever, this film is for you. If you like your lead to speak in unintelligible mumbles and your villain to pronounce words and names in a form you can't understand, this film is for you.
This week on the podcast we gear up for one of the most notorious bad movies ever made and a hallmark of stupidity. When you need to invade a country that doesn't make any sense, send in an Olympic Gold Medalist!
Immunity to negative drug side effects - 7.75 out of 10 stars
Michael J. Dudikoff and Steve James are back from American Ninja and this time the volume of ninja gets ramped up to ludicrous levels. How do you get so many ninja? Well you just build an evil clone army of them so you can be a drug kingpin. What? Yep.
In another instance of Golan and Globus having very little understanding of the ninja, we also have very little understanding of their understanding. When you can clone ninja, what do you do with the ninja you've cloned? Well you become the kingpin of drugs. So why do you need ninja? Are they couriers? Are they drug dealers? Are they guards? Why not just have guys with guns? And why are your cloned ninja so inept? The plot is quite dumb.
It's time to finish off our Ninja-threepeat with a follow up to our American Ninja episode in which Michael Dudikoff dons the role of Pvt. Joe Armstrong, teams up with Curtis Jackson and fights hordes and hordes of random ninja.
Well it looks like Sam Firstenberg moved in to your house, as evidenced by all of these ninja movies. Well that, the toilet’s full and the cat’s pregnant. Week three of ninja business presents us with another film which most likely knows nothing about ninjas. If it did Michael Dudikoff wouldn’t be playing one. It will be difficult for American Ninja 2: The Confrontation to live up to the previous not knowing anything about ninja standards set by Ninja 3: The Domination, in which a ninja is a crazy person/ghost who wants nothing more than to kill everyone everywhere, and Unmasking the Idol, wherein a ninja is a middle aged man who has bedroom eyes and a chain mail Eyes Wide Shut costume. Ian Hunter was actually in the original cut of Eyes Wide Shut but he was covered by digital furniture as the producers found his apparel and demeanor obscene. Can this possibly know less about ninjas then the previous ninja movies? Let’s find out together.
Worth Keeter's first Duncan Jax film is one of the film-world's must undiscovered gems. It's a glorious romp of all things awesome. If you like any fun film ever, then Unmasking the Idol is right up your alley. It's banana's in the best manner.
Somehow Unmasking the Idol has gone under the radar since its debut 30 years ago. Only 88 user ratings exist on IMDB (including the rating we gave). Host of Stinker Madness, Justin, has it as his 10th favorite bad movie of all time. That is enough right there to have this movie have at least 100 user ratings on IMDB.
A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.
The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie.
A deceased magical ninja with questionable motives possesses a telephone line working/aerobics instructor and gets her to revengify a bunch of cops who blew the ninja away (justifiably). Meanwhile, lasers, gymnastics, so much magic, and awful effects abound. Plus back hair and V8!
Ninja III may be the worst movie Cannon ever made. We're talking about Cannon here remember. This thing stinks so bad. The story is incredibly dumb/nonexistant, the action is completely ridiculous, the acting is awful, the shots are poorly staged, the effects are horrendous, dialogue is unbelievable and the complete lack of understanding life/people/reality is abundant. With that in mind, it adds up for so much fun. Wow, what a great bad movie.
This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!
Full time fan and part time contributor @MartiniShark shares his bombs of Summer 2016 list. Good stuff here. https://t.co/jp0St4fh4p
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