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The Lucio Fulci movie that more people should be talking about may just be so weird its good?

"Conquest" is one of those bizarre gems that defies logic, reason, and possibly all known laws of filmmaking. From the opening frame, you're catapulted into a world where absolutely nothing makes sense—and that's the beauty of it. The plot (if you can call it that) revolves around two warriors, Mace and Ilias, who embark on a quest to stop an evil, topless sorceress who wears a metal mask and is clearly compensating for something. Why? Who knows! The movie doesn't bother to explain, and honestly, it doesn't matter.

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"The Sword of the Valiant" is a 1984 movie that attempted to adapt the timeless Arthurian legend into a cinematic experience. Unfortunately, this adaptation falls far short of capturing the magic and wonder of the source material. Here's why this film left me thoroughly disappointed:

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Dar reunites with Seth and his home planet in order to save his bro, but screw everyone else. I need a hero, but could I get someone besides this Dar guy?

So if you're a big fan of Dar, well this one isn't for you. It sure exposes Dar to be a cadre of negatives. He's dumb as dirt. He's a bit of a dick. He only thinks with his dick. He doesn't give much of a crap about his friends or the other citizens of his planet. And lastly and most importantly, he's not even a damn Beastmaster. His friends (the lion (who was a tiger before), the hawk and his two ferret pals) refuse to do as he commands but even past that a damn camel bucks him off. The man who controls beasts gets bucked off a dromedary. Inexcusable. Dar sucks in BM:III.

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Grace Jones shows up as not Red Sonja in one of the most loathed films from both Schwaz and the beloved Swords and Sorcery genre. I blame Dino....again.

Is it worth $4 to watch this movie? You’ll have to make it to the end of the podcast for that full evaluation. Is it worth watching if you already have access to it? Yes. This was one of my most hated films. For years I’ve called it Conan the Babysitter.

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Its one of those iconic 80's swords and sandals/science fiction blend movies and beloved by many. We can understand why, but this was a massive failure that likely cost the genre decades of great movies until the LOTR Trilogy.

So Krull is one of the most expensive movies of the 80s and fails on so many levels. You've got the classic inaction in action (nothing happens during action sequences), the choreography was done by Stevie Wonder, and the effects and sets are so overly impossible to do that they end up looking like 2nd grade paper Mache. The wire work is only worse in Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. The costumes are atrocious and prevent the actors from actually engaging with each other or the scene itself. Its a mess.

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The "Two who are as one" go on a wacky adventure with some very questionable themes all to end up at a ritual that doesn't make a bit of sense with unclear intentions. Buckle up folks, this is one of the best bad movies ever.

I don't know what more you could want in a bad movie. There's not a single thing in this film that is done well, yet there's also not a single scene that isn't pure joy to watch. Most bad movies fail in a least a couple scenes for the viewer yet the true masterpieces (Troll 2, America 3000, etc..) are an absolute treat from credits to credits. Sorceress belongs on every top 10 list of so bad it's good.

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Like that weird kid that doesn't look anything like his parents, you may be thinking he's a weirdo and should be avoided. But then you bump into him at the punch bowl and realize he's one cool dude. That's Deathstalker II.

Once again, Jim Wynorski shows the world why he should be at the top of the list of directors who make budget films. While most similar directors are given a project like this and just crap it out for the paycheck (I'm talking to you, anyone who works for The Asylum) good ol' Jim is told to make a Conan-knockoff and then makes a buddy-copesque screwball comedy with lots of adventure and shenanigans. Jim is the DaVinci of crummy movies.

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Imagine a film where the biggest idiot you could ever find is the lead, make him do a ton of steroids, be a general dickbag to his co-workers and then DOUBLE HIM!!!

In typical Cannon Group tradition, this movie is what you call, "not good", yet also "completely unbelievable". It is beyond the realm of standard imagination and can only come from breaking through the doors of perception, AKA doing a ton of coke. From concept to final cut, there's no way you can do a good job here. And that falls fully on the muscly shoulders of the Barbarian Brothers.

Conan rides through your screen once again but this time he's named Kalidor and he's not the main character. Instead, a non-action star shows us what non-action looks like in the least adventurous adventure movie ever made. Swords & Sandals? Check. Visual Valium? You betcha.

I don't know how this movie stinks so bad. It has your typical lady-hero plot of sword & sandal genre staples. Revenge for burning down the village. Ok. Wait, the villain burned down the village for subtle lesbian motivations? Wow, that sounds super hot. Well....it's not.

This is "walking around" the movie. Look, Frodo & Samwise walk to Mordor for a vacation from paradise and you can't take your eyes off it. Here, the entire world is about to be destroyed by cracking apart (again because of a jilted lesbian) and you can't keep awake.

For the most part, this is the fault of two people: 1) Dino De Laurentiss and 2) Brigidette Nielsen. Dino edited forced this turd out because he apparently couldn't get anything made that didn't involve Conan. And then Nielsen's terrible line delivery and even worse sword-fighting. The entire time she looks like she's afraid of the script (with good reason) and her sword hitting her in the face. This is not an action lady, folks. See Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island for more realistic stunts. Blech.

So long story short, this is just folks walking around. At best this is fun only because of the incredibly dubious plot, the fantastic matte-work, and the bonkers costumes and set design. Hope you don't like things happening in a film!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:
Cheesy effects:
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:
Riffability:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality:
Bad Movie Quality:

Streaming Dos and Don'ts

• Doberman Cop - DVD
• Lethal Ninja/For Hire - DVD
• Calamity of Snakes - DVD

For years, Sam has been praising Yor: The Hunter from the Future and now its finally time to share it's hunky goodness with the rest of the world. Let the scantily clad ladies fill our eyeballs. Plus we don't talk about Star Wars OR Christmas!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films - Netflix
• Cannonball Run II - Hulu Plus
• Timeline - Netflix
• 36th Chamber of Shaolin - Netflix

The Great Superpower Debate

The Super Penis

Let me break this down to you in one word - boobs.  So many boobs.  Oh god there's so many.  

Sounds great right?

Well......not really. It actually makes for just ok. But I'll get into that.

So the movie revolves around this group of women (in some unknown location and in some unknown time) that have their village and booties plundered but some guys in black, all on the day of the Amethea's (Lana Clarkson) wedding day to Argan (Frank Zagarino). Bummer. So this small band of women (only 2 of them actually do anything; Taramis only ever cares about food) set out to rescue Argan and get revenge.

Well they suck at it.  They are REALLY good however and getting captured, tortured and further raped.  Nice work ladies. Eventually they make it to the bad guy's castle/town thingy where everyone does nothing but wander around and then get captured.  Amethea eventually ends up on a torture "rack" (her elbows are nice and bent the entire time, very comfy).  Her torturer then attempts to awkwardly rape her but she must have been really (I mean REALLY) doing kegel exercises as she ends up ripping the guy's unit off and then pushing him into what I infer is a vat of acid.