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Mercenaries

Mercenaries
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Cynthia Rothrock builds a team of elite tough gals made up of Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, and Nicole Bilderback to take down a broad-shouldered Brigitte Nielsen who is hell bent on being the CEO of a bad-guy factory. With the power of plot convenience and inept villains, the team invade "The Citadel" to spring the kidnapped First Daughter and maybe some sex slaves.

So the movie achieves two things - becoming the best Asylum movie ever made and reminding us why the cast is still stuck in the C-list bracket. The acting can be quite bad, especially from Vivica A. Fox who reprises her role from Sharknado 2 as Hammered Shit. Cynthia Rothrock helps out by playing the top of the CIA, but choose the worst hair style of all time, usually found on 16 year girls from small towns in Nevada. Zoe Bell dons a poopy face through the whole thing because I guess that looks tough. However, Kristanna Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Brigitte Nielsen surprisingly do a really good job especially Nielsen who dispute going to hell in the looks department plays a very sinister and maniacal villain.

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Prelude to Mercenaries

Prelude to Mercenaries
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Presented by Nursenaries, for when you want your live-in care provider to be an ex-ass-kicking gun for hire. Kaboom, Grandpa!

This week we are turning to Netflix for the Christopher Olen Ray action lady team-up Mercenaries (Netflix Link), starring Cynthia Rothrock, Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Bridgitte Nielsen and Nicole Bilderback. It's an Asylum film so we are a little nervous about it...

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

Whatcho Talkin' Bout, Willis?

Must haves for a movie mercenary

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Beowulf

Beowulf
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Christopher Lambert (the T is silent apparently) dons the role of Beowulf and defends an outpost in the future or past from Grendel, one of the "damned" who is a monster surrounded by a fart cloud, and his super horny mother. To defeat this evil duo, Beowulf must use his endless array of MI6-like weapon/gadgets and a series of flips and hand-springs. How many denizens of the outpost will survive before Beowulf gets the job done (spoiler alert - just 1)?

Lambert gives us another shining example why he should be the lead role in every bad movie. He's awful. Seriously bad. He constantly has this look on his face that seems like he's just staring at nothing (it turns out he's legally blind) and his accent is like Tommy Wiseau had a baby with Shakira. He delivers each line like its the ultimate one-liner after killing the bad guy with a bazooka at the end of the film. Let me put it this way, Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Dudikoff are better actors. But Lambert steals the show with this method and we loved him for it.

The effects and fight choreography are completely ridiculous. Grendel looks like someone did a really nice job of creating a monster but some producer decided he wasn't evil enough so they put in a nice post-production green/purple fart cloud that envelopes him the whole movie. There's an incredible amount of backflips, cartwheels and hand-springs that Beowulf uses during fighting and all lead to him to getting punched in the face by Grendel. That's right, Grendel doesn't claw or bite or rip people apart; he punches them right in the face like he was Chuck Norris, while being a hulking mass covered in farts. It's amazing. 

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Prelude to Beowulf

Prelude to Beowulf
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Whole Trailer!

Brought to you by "The Man Who Cared Too Much" - Starring Christopher Lambert

This week we prepare ourselves for the 1999 version of the classic poem with Christopher Lambert as the title character. Things to watch out for: How many back flips over the camera, how many times Lambert can't see anything, and how many times he cares too much. The movie is currently on Netflix so check it out and come back when we review the movie in full.

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

  • Beowulf (2007)
  • Iron Sky 
  • Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Part IV)
  • Evolver

Real Important Question

What does "Best Picture" mean to you? What things do you look for in a film to make you think it should win "Best Picture"?

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Undefeatable

Undefeatable
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Godfrey Ho or one of his 1000 other aliases, directs this stunning look into one man's child neglect issues and the subsequent internal conflicts that come about....mainly crazy mullet painting, eyeball collecting, insane kung fu fights and taking your shirt off.

Undefeatable is like a one-way ticket to nonsenical town. Don Niam plays "Stingray" a deatmatcher that fights in boxing gear and in a ring but killing the opponent is ok/encouraged (we don't know the rules) who becomes a wacko because he gets addicted to killing opponents. But he's also got mommy issues because at one point in his life she "went to get smokes" and never came back. Stingray's motivation for being nutty is pretty vague and unclear. But either way he's nuts. Really nuts. His wife leaves him because he's abusive so he goes on a hunt to find any and all women who resemble her and kidnap them, take their eyeballs and then dump the corpse. It should be noted that in this movie taking out someones eyeballs can and will be the cause of death. Any other actions taken are just for fun.

Meanwhile Cynthia Rothrock plays Kristi, a waitress/street fighter who is saving up money to pay for her sisters college. Unfortunately, Stingray takes Kristi's sister as one of his victims, so Kristi goes on a tirade through Kung Fu Town (everyone in this town knows kung fu, seriously) in a search for vengeance. Cynthia Rothrock is amazing in this film. Her fight scenes are epic, her acting is laughable (especially when she visits her sisters corpse in the morgue, which is in the police station apparently) and her air fighting practice is like something out of a bad break-dancing video. Its a tragedy that Don Niam and Cynthia Rothrock don't share more screen time because their singular screen presences are quite something and would be better if they could dual it out with their "acting" a little more.

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Prelude to Undefeatable

Prelude to Undefeatable
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Whole Movie!

Brought to you by Scripts R' Us - the only spot to get a movie script when you have absolutely no writing talent.

This episode, we prepare for what has been heralded as the most awesome thing ever, the Godfrey Ho YouTube sensation that is Undefeatable. From what we know there is lots of bad kung fu, some ridiculous stunts, an epic mullet, and the "best fight scene of all time", according to many movie reviewers. We have high hopes that this will be a new entry in the Bad Movie Hall of Fame.

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

  • Oculus
  • Reindeer Games
  • Spitfire
  • Stranded
  • Special ID

About Undefeatable - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Directed/Produced By Godfrey Hall (born Godfrey Ho, has 9 psudonyms)

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2014 SMABFAs

2014 SMABFAs

Listen to the Episode to find out who wins!


The votes have been tallied and the envelopes have been sealed. The competition will be fierce. Who will win for the Stinker Madness Achievements in Bad Film-Making Awards for 2014?

The Categories are:

  • Best Bad Picture
  • Best Bad Actor
  • Best Bad Actress
  • Worst Bad Picture
  • MST3K Most Riffable Award

The leaders in nominations:

  • Noah - 6 nominations
  • A Winter's Tale - 5 nominations
  • Sabotage - 5 nominations
  • Left Behind - 5 nominations
  • Godzilla - 4 nominations
  • Expendables 3 - 3 nominations
  • Vampire Academy - 3 nominations
  • Pompeii - 3 nominations
  • Hercules - 3 nominations
  • Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - 3 nominations
  • 3 Days to Kill - 2 nominations
  • Drive Hard - 2 nominations
  • Rage - 2 nominations

See the Full List of Nominations & Winners

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Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Girls Just Want to Have Fun
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Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt remind us why the 80's should stay dead in this zaniest, craziest, wildest, freshest, bubblegum romp. Sarah Jessica Parker plays Laney, a girl who just wants to dance, and Helen Hunt plays Lynne who just wants to put weird stuff in her hair (lobsters, grasshoppers, dinosaurs, etc...). But the pair are thwarted by the reality of life and the harshness of societal norms (like jobs and school).

The movie is the 80's in a can of pepper spray applied directly to the head. Everything is pink. Everything. Fine. Everyone has atrocious fashion sense. Fine. The music is awful princess pop. Fine. If you can get past those things there's still more non-decade specific problems that this movie suffers from (and rewards with).

For instance, the complete lack of a concept of reality. The girls go to Catholic School but never show up and if they do they ditch pretty easily. The Catholic School also features very young and attractive nuns only. They also practice outdoor gymnastics (ladies' pommel horse?). Everyone in this film can instantly be best friends without ever being properly introduced as well. "Hey, you're that new girl, right?," one girl might say. "Wow, you're like totally my best friend now. Let's tell each other our deepest secrets and get into zany trouble!", the other would retort.

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Prelude to Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Prelude to Girls Just Want to Have Fun
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Whole Movie!

Presented by "Boys Just Want To Do Nothing". Girls can keep their fun.

We prepare for the 80's in a nutshell with Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker as they dance their way to fame and fashion. Dance TV will never be the same.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • Curse of the Dragon Slayer
  • Dragonfyre
  • Dawn of the Dragon Slayer
  • The Crown and the Dragon: The Paladin Cycle

The 2014 SMABFA (Stinker Madness Achievements in Bad Film-making Award) Awards Nominations!

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Cobra

Cobra
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Stallone makes his 4th appearance on our show as he teams up with Golan and Globus (who make their third appearance) for the "one tough cop" showcase that is Cobra. Marion Cobretti has to protect a key witness that can identify the Nightslasher, who isn't just a raving murderer as his name would suggest; he's also the head of a criminal organization that wants to take over the world. How about that?

The movie is a pretty fun ride but really has a reputation that its terrible. It's really not and is maybe the best movie that we've seen from the Cannon Group, really. The movie has some silly one-liners and action sequences for sure, but for a Cannon film its acted adequately and only has a couple of plot holes (one being the entire premise). It's truly not that bad when compared to other silly cop vs. everyone movies from the same period. It's not even in the realm of badness as Stallone's next movie "Over the Top" (also a Golan/Globus picture).

As I said, the primary plot flaw is the premise. Who are these guys in the sewer banging axes together? They put a serial killer in charge? Is he even in charge? What are their motivations and plans? But that really adds to the fun of the film on a stinker level, so it works for us.

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Prelude to Cobra

Prelude to Cobra
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


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Presented by Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, because one Cobra isn't enough.

Its time for us to give ol' Sly Stallone another go (for the fourth time) as he teams up with Golan and Globus for Cobra. One tough cop must teach some bad guys a lesson...or something. 

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

  • Overkill
  • The Burbs
  • Killing Season
  • Legendary

Jackie's Rant

Hollywood Trickery or going to a movie and you are lied to about it.

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The Star Wars Holiday Special

The Star Wars Holiday Special
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Watch the Original CBS Bumper and Intro!

Prepare to have your childhood dreams shattered! There's a reason the Star Wars Holiday Special has been buried and left to bootlegs as the only avenue to its viewing. It's terrible. Birdemic is a better film. We kid you not.

The entire "concept" (I can't call it a story) is that Life Day is being celebrated on Kashyyk, the Wookie homeworld and Chewbacca is trying to get back to his family to spend the day with them. But that pesky Empire won't go away (even though their Death Star just go sploded) and tries to prevent the Millennium Falcon from reaching Kashyyk (or Kashook, depending on who is talking). Meanwhile at Chewbacca's house, the Empire has decreed to raid all homes and look for evidence of Rebel Alliance affiliations. When put that way it sounds like it might be ok right? Wrong.

First and foremost, this is a 2 hour film (including the commercials which ARE worth watching) and 50% or more of the dialogue is in Wookie. It gets quite old after about 5 minutes of listening to three Wookies talking to each other. Now take the Star Wars out of the whole thing and pretend that they are just people and the exact same events happen. Its painfully boring. Momma Wookie watches a Martha Stewart special. Junior Wookie plays with toys and won't take out the trash. They make calls to family and friends. Grandpa Wookie gets a masturbation machine and uses it....what? Yup, one of the holy crap moments is when Chewie's dad gets a VR machine that displays a half naked Diahann Carroll dancing seductively and singing about how much she wants him and Grandpa Wookie likey....alot. Uber-creepy.

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Prelude to The Star Wars Holiday Special

Prelude to The Star Wars Holiday Special
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Original CBS Bumper and Intro!

Brought to you by the Star Wars Prequels Awesome Editions - the way we would have made them (hint = more Splosions!)

Justin's Christmas wish is about to come true as we all prepare to view a film so notorious even the filmmakers tried to block everyone from every viewing it. With every single major cast member from Star Wars Episode IV plus singing and dancing (is that Bea Arthur and Heady Lamar? (That's HEADLY!)) this has got to be the greatest moment of our 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies pod/vid crawl.

15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies Pod/Vid Crawl

Be sure to check out these other fine programs to continue your journey through horrible Christmas movies!

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He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special
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Two Earth children get swept away to the magical Christmas planet of Eternia, where no one knows what they are talking about, get kidnapped, get kidnapped by someone else, get imprisoned, get kidnapped again by someone else, crash land in a space ship, almost freeze to death, almost get eaten by a snow beast, and get sucked up by a tractor beam for kidnapping purposes. 

Along the way they teach the entire Eternia gang (including Skeletor) about Christmas. Skeletor learns that it's ok to be nice to people one day a year and we learn that robots that transform into other things are inherently evil and that we shouldn't buy them. Thankfully this movie is only 44 minutes long....

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:
Cheesy effects: (For bad animation)
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:

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Prelude to He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

Prelude to He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special
He-Man and She-Ra Xmas Special
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode
Watch the Whole Movie!

Brought to you by "Eternia" the latest prequel reboot adaptation drama from Fox.

Week 2 of the #15BadXmasMovies pod/vidcrawl gets going as we pull our sword out, get "The Power" and attempt to enjoy the holidays with He-Man and She-Ra. Remember them from Episode 1?! Well they are back and Skeletor has an itchin' for some sweet Christmas loot...in the form of two Earth children who get teleported to Eternia. Hiyo Silver! I mean, I HAVE THE POWER!

15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies Pod/Vid Crawl

Be sure to check out these other fine programs to continue your journey through horrible Christmas movies!

Misan[trope]y - Releasing December 11th – Santa With Muscles 

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Home Alone 3

Home Alone 3
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We kick off the 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies pod/vidcrawl with the non-Culkin theatrical Home Alone. This time its not even a Christmas movie (or is it?). A kid kinda gets left at Home Alone (he's got the chicken pox) and unintentionally inherits a chip that can render missiles invisible to radar. Four super espionage thugs seek to get the chip back and "hilarity" ensues when Alex Pruitt (the kid) sets them on a path to pain via Rube-Goldberg devices.

So this movie strangely takes place beginning on Jan 8th and best as we can determine ends on Jan 14th. Yet everyone in this movie still has Christmas decor everywhere and is mentioned frequently. Why can't this have taken place during Christmas?!? We couldn't figure that out. But as is tradition in these movies, the protagonist is a precocious little scamp who is smarter than any adult and loves to inflict pain on bad guys. He also is a murderous little butthole because all 4 of the bad guys would have died at the hands of his death traps (in reality). Instead they just get lots of nether region calamity (i.e. exploding pants, butt electrocuted, and the bat to the gonads) and sore heads (plenty of head bonking and things falling on them).

Its dumb and not funny but that can be expected. So knowing what you are going to get when you watch it makes it not unviewable but one we say you want to stay away from.

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Prelude to Home Alone 3

Prelude to Home Alone 3
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Brought to you by The Culkin System. So that you can continue being a neglectful parent with safety!

We start off the 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies with the last of the theatrical Home Alones. Jackie gives us her rant about movie births and why they suck.

Streaming Dos and Don'ts

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The Wicker Man

The Wicker Man
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Nic Cage delivers one of the finest bad performances of all time in a movie whose plot isn't even a thing (bee crops?) all for the sake of the dumbest evil plan of all time. The Wicker Man serves as a shining example of why we do what we do, to find these movies that are so over the top awesome that you can't help but love them despite how terrible they are.

Nic Cage plays a California highway patrol man/super detective who gets imformed that his ex-fiancee's daughter is missing and that he must come to the island of Summersisle in Washington to find her. Little does he know that this island has many many mysteries. He ends up being the focal point in a plot to restore the islands unsuccessful honey crop (because they angered the bee gods or something) and so now the island needs a sacrifice to restore their ability to grow honey....uh what? 

There are so many epic moments of sheer stupidity and horrible dialogue with even worse delivery that this movie is a complete must see for every bad movie lover out there.

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Prelude to The Wicker Man

Prelude to The Wicker Man
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Trailer!

We get set for Academy Award winning Nic Cage to make his second appearance on the show in the 2006 thriller "The Wicker Man". And this show is all about Mr. Ex Coppola with the commercial and improv featuring guest appearance from the Ghost Rider himself.

It is also HIGHLY recommended to check out the 3 Minute Wicker Man video if you haven't seen this movie or don't have access to the whole film.

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The Love Guru

The Love Guru
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This movie is like a slow painful death from baby-piranha bites. Mike Myers puts his career in a noose, takes its pants off and then kicks out the chair. Rubbish. Pure rubbish with no enjoyment value at all. Its so bad and unviewable that you would be better suited spending your time taking a tack hammer to your temples. Avoid this film at all costs.

Even the appearances by every human ever in this film can't save it. I hate it! $*#& *#@$! AAAAARGGGGHHHH!!!!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:
Cheesy effects:
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:

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