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The Razzie sweeping film chock full of idiots, invades! We get Bennifer all over the place and its icky. This film currently (as of Feb. 2015) sits at #71 on the IMDB Bottom 100, so is it the as bad as it's setup or is it just Bennifer backlash?

The plot concept of the film is that one low level mafia guy (whose job is to make phone calls and hang out at restaurants) hires two other lower level mafia guys (Affleck and JLO) to kidnap and babysit a mentally handicapped teen brother, Brian, of a federal prosecutor. The hope is that this federal prosecutor will back off of the head mafia guy (Al Pacino). This plot is the first flaw with Gigli as it is completely dumb. Its revealed later that even Al Pacino's character thinks this was a terrible plan as it wouldn't work so therefore its just best to get rid of Brian and pretend like nothing happened....so there is no plot then?

The second problem of the film is the characters. They are all also completely retarded. Larry Gigli (Affleck) is despicable. He appears to have only been "thugging" for a few weeks as he has very little job skills. He's not prepared for the kidnapping/babysitting job as he completely doesn't understand how mentally handicapped people work and he's not evil enough to cut Brian up and send Brian-Bits to his brother. JLO is a verbally staunch lesbian that talks about how dumb weiners are but than later caves due to "words" said by Gigli. She is also completely not prepared for this assignment. Lewis appears to be the real idiot of the whole movie. He seems to be new to the mafia business. He's only got two employees (Gigli and JLO) and he doesn't know them at all so the whole thing is new. Plus he isn't working with Al Pacino so he appears to be a bad guy freelancer. He's probably getting jobs off Odesk of E-Lance. Al Pacino is also dumb as he has no actual talent working for him because he would otherwise just whack freelancing Gigli, JLO, Lewis and Brian and then come up with an actual plan.

Brought to you by Larry Gigli's "The Hits Keep Coming" Hitman Services....sorta.

Gigli won MANY Razzie awards including Worst Picture. It sits at #71 on the IMDB Bottom 100. So we thought we'd give it a go. The plot seems awesome so we're pretty excited. Can it be THAT bad or was its poor reception be caused by "Beniffer" backlash?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Detective Bureau 2-3: Go To Hell Bastards
• Sasquatch
• The Deadly Bees

Jackie's Rant

If you were going to remake The Beastmaster, who would you cast as Dar (Marc Singer), Kiri (Tanya Roberts), Maax (Rip Torn), and Seth (John Amos)? 

Take 1 kidnapped diplomat's son, a country that only has bad guys in it, one guy how is a bit of a dick, 9 strippers, shake and stir and you've got Hell Squad. We aren't really sure what this movie is (other than ridiculous), is it a comedy or action movie?

The story is that there is some new special WMD that can blow up organic material but not anything else. This is determined by finding a newspaper that is not burnt but evidence of a horse getting sploded after a test of the weapon, however since newspaper is made of paper which is made of trees which as far as I know are actually living and organic, should mean the newspaper would also burn. This is foreshadowing of the idiocy of the rest of the story. The rest of the story, is that terrorists have this weapon already but need a schematic for part of a rocket to launch it. It seems like they've already built the hard part though. So they kidnap a diplomat's son and ransom him for this schematic (which no country would negotiate this deal, sorry bud. You're dead). Well the answer to this problem is to take 9 Las Vegas showgirls, train them for 10 days, then send this into Karajan (bad guy country) and let them find the kid and bring him back.

The story is so dumb that I can only figure that its supposed to be a joke, but its presented in such a manner that makes it seem like its a solid premise for an action movie. However, jokes abound that may or may not be funny in the film. One lady can't use a rifle because he boobs are too big, there's a water shortage in Karajan so the girls all have to use the bath tub at once (and everyday) and spoiler alert - there's a Scooby-Doo ending.

Brought to you by Z-Nationwide Insurance, making sure your dead loved ones.....stay dead.

It's Sam's week to pick a movie and he's got Hell Squad on deck. Looks like a bunch of strippers become mercenaries and save the world or something. We've also got a special guest coming for the full episode and he says this is one of his favorite bad movies so hopes are high we can hit another home run with finding a great bad movie.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Brotherhood of Death - Netflix
• 6 Bullets - Netflix
• Betrayal - Netflix

Jackie's Rant

Why aren't there more dongs in movies?

Here's the deal...this movie rules. Period. It has instantly gone into our Hall of Fame because it does everything right in both good storytelling and horrendously terrible film-making. It is as good to watch as any "good" movie and is only topped by the very creme of the crap in bad movies. There may only be a handful of movies better to view than Deadly Prey and we couldn't argue with anyone if they put it at the top of their list. It's that good.

Let me put it this way. If you were talking films with a person that you'd just met, say at work or at class and they casually said, "So have you ever seen a movie called Deadly Prey?" there is potential that you might become best friends.

Ted Prior plays Danton. Or vice versa. I'm not really sure which. Danton is like a chimera, unicorn, or the Minotaur. He's a being of mythic proportion. Maybe more like Thor, Hercules, or Achilles. 2000 years ago, poets would have told tale of Danton to travelers and bards would have sung his adventures. So again, did Ted Prior play Danton or did the spirit of Danton come down from Olympus and possess good ol' Ted. Because their on-screen symbiosis is unbreakable.

Brought to you by Cutoffs and Mullets. Do you love white-trash reality shows? Then you'll love the newest reality show to hit TLC!

David A. Prior brings to us his brother Ted, with one of the best hair-dos ever to make the big time. It's another possible "Hall of Fame" candidate that has a series of "10 star" user reviews on IMDB. This thing better deliver because it looks like its going to.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Dragon Lord - Netflix
• Meals on Wheels - Youtube
• Mankillers - Youtube
• Master of the Flying Guillotine - Youtube
• Action USA - Youtube

Whatcho Talkin' Bout Willis?

If you are a super rich hunting afficionado, and you could hunt anything from any movie, what would it be?

Watch the Movie on Netflix

Cynthia Rothrock builds a team of elite tough gals made up of Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, and Nicole Bilderback to take down a broad-shouldered Brigitte Nielsen who is hell bent on being the CEO of a bad-guy factory. With the power of plot convenience and inept villains, the team invade "The Citadel" to spring the kidnapped First Daughter and maybe some sex slaves.

So the movie achieves two things - becoming the best Asylum movie ever made and reminding us why the cast is still stuck in the C-list bracket. The acting can be quite bad, especially from Vivica A. Fox who reprises her role from Sharknado 2 as Hammered Shit. Cynthia Rothrock helps out by playing the top of the CIA, but choose the worst hair style of all time, usually found on 16 year girls from small towns in Nevada. Zoe Bell dons a poopy face through the whole thing because I guess that looks tough. However, Kristanna Loken, Nicole Bilderback and Brigitte Nielsen surprisingly do a really good job especially Nielsen who dispute going to hell in the looks department plays a very sinister and maniacal villain.

Presented by Nursenaries, for when you want your live-in care provider to be an ex-ass-kicking gun for hire. Kaboom, Grandpa!

This week we are turning to Netflix for the Christopher Olen Ray action lady team-up Mercenaries (Netflix Link), starring Cynthia Rothrock, Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Bridgitte Nielsen and Nicole Bilderback. It's an Asylum film so we are a little nervous about it...

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

• The Enemy
• Hitman's Run
• Absolute Zero

Whatcho Talkin' Bout, Willis?

Must haves for a movie mercenary

Christopher Lambert (the T is silent apparently) dons the role of Beowulf and defends an outpost in the future or past from Grendel, one of the "damned" who is a monster surrounded by a fart cloud, and his super horny mother. To defeat this evil duo, Beowulf must use his endless array of MI6-like weapon/gadgets and a series of flips and hand-springs. How many denizens of the outpost will survive before Beowulf gets the job done (spoiler alert - just 1)?

Lambert gives us another shining example why he should be the lead role in every bad movie. He's awful. Seriously bad. He constantly has this look on his face that seems like he's just staring at nothing (it turns out he's legally blind) and his accent is like Tommy Wiseau had a baby with Shakira. He delivers each line like its the ultimate one-liner after killing the bad guy with a bazooka at the end of the film. Let me put it this way, Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Dudikoff are better actors. But Lambert steals the show with this method and we loved him for it.

The effects and fight choreography are completely ridiculous. Grendel looks like someone did a really nice job of creating a monster but some producer decided he wasn't evil enough so they put in a nice post-production green/purple fart cloud that envelopes him the whole movie. There's an incredible amount of backflips, cartwheels and hand-springs that Beowulf uses during fighting and all lead to him to getting punched in the face by Grendel. That's right, Grendel doesn't claw or bite or rip people apart; he punches them right in the face like he was Chuck Norris, while being a hulking mass covered in farts. It's amazing. 

Brought to you by "The Man Who Cared Too Much" - Starring Christopher Lambert

This week we prepare ourselves for the 1999 version of the classic poem with Christopher Lambert as the title character. Things to watch out for: How many back flips over the camera, how many times Lambert can't see anything, and how many times he cares too much. The movie is currently on Netflix so check it out and come back when we review the movie in full.

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

• Beowulf (2007)
• Iron Sky 
• Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Part IV)
• Evolver

Real Important Question

What does "Best Picture" mean to you? What things do you look for in a film to make you think it should win "Best Picture"?

Godfrey Ho or one of his 1000 other aliases, directs this stunning look into one man's child neglect issues and the subsequent internal conflicts that come about....mainly crazy mullet painting, eyeball collecting, insane kung fu fights and taking your shirt off.

Undefeatable is like a one-way ticket to nonsenical town. Don Niam plays "Stingray" a deatmatcher that fights in boxing gear and in a ring but killing the opponent is ok/encouraged (we don't know the rules) who becomes a wacko because he gets addicted to killing opponents. But he's also got mommy issues because at one point in his life she "went to get smokes" and never came back. Stingray's motivation for being nutty is pretty vague and unclear. But either way he's nuts. Really nuts. His wife leaves him because he's abusive so he goes on a hunt to find any and all women who resemble her and kidnap them, take their eyeballs and then dump the corpse. It should be noted that in this movie taking out someones eyeballs can and will be the cause of death. Any other actions taken are just for fun.

Meanwhile Cynthia Rothrock plays Kristi, a waitress/street fighter who is saving up money to pay for her sisters college. Unfortunately, Stingray takes Kristi's sister as one of his victims, so Kristi goes on a tirade through Kung Fu Town (everyone in this town knows kung fu, seriously) in a search for vengeance. Cynthia Rothrock is amazing in this film. Her fight scenes are epic, her acting is laughable (especially when she visits her sisters corpse in the morgue, which is in the police station apparently) and her air fighting practice is like something out of a bad break-dancing video. Its a tragedy that Don Niam and Cynthia Rothrock don't share more screen time because their singular screen presences are quite something and would be better if they could dual it out with their "acting" a little more.

Brought to you by Scripts R' Us - the only spot to get a movie script when you have absolutely no writing talent.

This episode, we prepare for what has been heralded as the most awesome thing ever, the Godfrey Ho YouTube sensation that is Undefeatable. From what we know there is lots of bad kung fu, some ridiculous stunts, an epic mullet, and the "best fight scene of all time", according to many movie reviewers. We have high hopes that this will be a new entry in the Bad Movie Hall of Fame.

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

• Oculus
• Reindeer Games
• Spitfire
• Stranded
• Special ID

About Undefeatable - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Directed/Produced By Godfrey Hall (born Godfrey Ho, has 9 psudonyms)

Listen to the Episode to find out who wins!

The votes have been tallied and the envelopes have been sealed. The competition will be fierce. Who will win for the Stinker Madness Achievements in Bad Film-Making Awards for 2014?

The Categories are:

• Best Bad Picture
• Best Bad Actor
• Best Bad Actress
• Worst Bad Picture
• MST3K Most Riffable Award

See the Full List of Nominations & Winners

Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt remind us why the 80's should stay dead in this zaniest, craziest, wildest, freshest, bubblegum romp. Sarah Jessica Parker plays Laney, a girl who just wants to dance, and Helen Hunt plays Lynne who just wants to put weird stuff in her hair (lobsters, grasshoppers, dinosaurs, etc...). But the pair are thwarted by the reality of life and the harshness of societal norms (like jobs and school).

The movie is the 80's in a can of pepper spray applied directly to the head. Everything is pink. Everything. Fine. Everyone has atrocious fashion sense. Fine. The music is awful princess pop. Fine. If you can get past those things there's still more non-decade specific problems that this movie suffers from (and rewards with).

For instance, the complete lack of a concept of reality. The girls go to Catholic School but never show up and if they do they ditch pretty easily. The Catholic School also features very young and attractive nuns only. They also practice outdoor gymnastics (ladies' pommel horse?). Everyone in this film can instantly be best friends without ever being properly introduced as well. "Hey, you're that new girl, right?," one girl might say. "Wow, you're like totally my best friend now. Let's tell each other our deepest secrets and get into zany trouble!", the other would retort.

Presented by "Boys Just Want To Do Nothing". Girls can keep their fun.

We prepare for the 80's in a nutshell with Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker as they dance their way to fame and fashion. Dance TV will never be the same.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Curse of the Dragon Slayer
• Dragonfyre
• Dawn of the Dragon Slayer
• The Crown and the Dragon: The Paladin Cycle

The 2014 SMABFA (Stinker Madness Achievements in Bad Film-making Award) Awards Nominations!

Stallone makes his 4th appearance on our show as he teams up with Golan and Globus (who make their third appearance) for the "one tough cop" showcase that is Cobra. Marion Cobretti has to protect a key witness that can identify the Nightslasher, who isn't just a raving murderer as his name would suggest; he's also the head of a criminal organization that wants to take over the world. How about that?

The movie is a pretty fun ride but really has a reputation that its terrible. It's really not and is maybe the best movie that we've seen from the Cannon Group, really. The movie has some silly one-liners and action sequences for sure, but for a Cannon film its acted adequately and only has a couple of plot holes (one being the entire premise). It's truly not that bad when compared to other silly cop vs. everyone movies from the same period. It's not even in the realm of badness as Stallone's next movie "Over the Top" (also a Golan/Globus picture).

As I said, the primary plot flaw is the premise. Who are these guys in the sewer banging axes together? They put a serial killer in charge? Is he even in charge? What are their motivations and plans? But that really adds to the fun of the film on a stinker level, so it works for us.

Presented by Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, because one Cobra isn't enough.

Its time for us to give ol' Sly Stallone another go (for the fourth time) as he teams up with Golan and Globus for Cobra. One tough cop must teach some bad guys a lesson...or something. 

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Overkill
• The Burbs
• Killing Season
• Legendary

Jackie's Rant

Hollywood Trickery or going to a movie and you are lied to about it.

Prepare to have your childhood dreams shattered! There's a reason the Star Wars Holiday Special has been buried and left to bootlegs as the only avenue to its viewing. It's terrible. Birdemic is a better film. We kid you not.

The entire "concept" (I can't call it a story) is that Life Day is being celebrated on Kashyyk, the Wookie homeworld and Chewbacca is trying to get back to his family to spend the day with them. But that pesky Empire won't go away (even though their Death Star just go sploded) and tries to prevent the Millennium Falcon from reaching Kashyyk (or Kashook, depending on who is talking). Meanwhile at Chewbacca's house, the Empire has decreed to raid all homes and look for evidence of Rebel Alliance affiliations. When put that way it sounds like it might be ok right? Wrong.

First and foremost, this is a 2 hour film (including the commercials which ARE worth watching) and 50% or more of the dialogue is in Wookie. It gets quite old after about 5 minutes of listening to three Wookies talking to each other. Now take the Star Wars out of the whole thing and pretend that they are just people and the exact same events happen. Its painfully boring. Momma Wookie watches a Martha Stewart special. Junior Wookie plays with toys and won't take out the trash. They make calls to family and friends. Grandpa Wookie gets a masturbation machine and uses it....what? Yup, one of the holy crap moments is when Chewie's dad gets a VR machine that displays a half naked Diahann Carroll dancing seductively and singing about how much she wants him and Grandpa Wookie likey....alot. Uber-creepy.

Brought to you by the Star Wars Prequels Awesome Editions - the way we would have made them (hint = more Splosions!)

Justin's Christmas wish is about to come true as we all prepare to view a film so notorious even the filmmakers tried to block everyone from every viewing it. With every single major cast member from Star Wars Episode IV plus singing and dancing (is that Bea Arthur and Heady Lamar? (That's HEADLY!)) this has got to be the greatest moment of our 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies pod/vid crawl.

15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies Pod/Vid Crawl

Be sure to check out these other fine programs to continue your journey through horrible Christmas movies!

Two Earth children get swept away to the magical Christmas planet of Eternia, where no one knows what they are talking about, get kidnapped, get kidnapped by someone else, get imprisoned, get kidnapped again by someone else, crash land in a space ship, almost freeze to death, almost get eaten by a snow beast, and get sucked up by a tractor beam for kidnapping purposes. 

Along the way they teach the entire Eternia gang (including Skeletor) about Christmas. Skeletor learns that it's ok to be nice to people one day a year and we learn that robots that transform into other things are inherently evil and that we shouldn't buy them. Thankfully this movie is only 44 minutes long....

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:
Cheesy effects: (For bad animation)
Horrendous acting:
Laugh-out-loud-ability:
Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners: