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Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Nine Deaths of the Ninja - Mill Creek - B-Movie Blast 50 Pack
• Hundra - Amazon/Epix
• Missing in Action - YouTube/TubiTV

The Wild Card - Good Xmas/Bad Xmas

• Eternia - He-Man/She-Ra Xmas Special
• Hobo with a Shotgun Town
• Kazook - Star Wars Holiday Special

About Black Christmas (2006) - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Bob Clark’s career spanned 5 decades and some of his more treasured works are, Porky’s, A Christmas Story and the multi award winning Murder by Decree. He also was responsible for a laundry list of stinkers, including but not limited to; Rhinestone, The Karate Dog and three films which have landed in the conversation of worst movies ever made, those being, Turk 182! and the Baby Geniuses duology. Hard to imagine that the same guy could give you a piece of treasured Americana like A Christmas Story while in the other hand delivering a turd sandwich like Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. 1974’s Black Christmas was Clark’s fifth film and it marked his break out of ultra budget films. It reportedly returned $4 million against a budget of $620k. In 2006 he decided to remake the film, acting only as producer in this case. This time around the film would return $16 million against a budget of $9 million.

Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.

3000 Miles to Graceland is one of the most inaccurate titles ever. See this map: http://obeattie.github.io/gmaps-radius/?lat=53.484652&lng=-99.643463&z=3&u=mi&r=3000. That is 3000 Miles from Graceland (Elvis' house). Now we learn that the ship Kurt Russell tries to get to and is located in Mt. Vernon, WA and their trip starts in Las Vegas. That is a journey of about 1,800 miles. So good job already.

Put on your sequin jumpsuit, grow out your side-burns, and fry up them bananas because we've got a movie this week that features too many Elvis' and so many Razzie nominations. It's Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell in a no hold barred competition of who can suck more.

Casual Do's and Don'ts

• Murder Weapon (1989)
• Future Hunters - Part of the Mill Creek Sci-Fi Invasion Pack

The Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife Fight

• Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell

About 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001) - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

There is nowhere in the lower 48 states that is a distance of 3000 miles to Graceland. The furthest point from Graceland in the contiguous United States is the border to Canada in Washington State, north of Seattle. It is a little over 2500 miles from Graceland. Through rushed deduction and relatively unsound mathematics I have decided that the major city that would be closest aforementioned distance would be Calgary, known for it’s famous rodeo, not so much it’s Elvises.

While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.

ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.

Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Judge Dredd - Netflix
• Hard Target 2 - Netflix
• Santo vs las Mujeres Vampiro - (Samson vs the Vampire Women) MST3K, YouTube

The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?

• Turkey vs Pig
• Olive vs Cranberry
• Regular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes

About ThanksKilling - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

ThanksKilling was shot on a budget of $3500 in the summer of 2007 and it received it’s official release on DVD in 2009. It seems to be the brain child of Jordan Downey, who has little credits outside of the ThanksKilling series. The main assists would be from working editor and writer Brad Shultz and working cinematographer Kevin Stewart. Though Downey’s only major titles include ThanksKilling and it’s $100k Kickstarter sequel, ThanksKilling 3. Shultz however has over 30 editing credits as well as over 20 writing credits, there are some sprinkled in directorial credits as well. He seems to be a man of my own heart. Some of his more personal short projects involve the NFL. These are the sort of special projects that both alienate fans of football and fans of comedy. After the 99% think you’re an idiot, myself and the other one percent, or fans of extraordinarily obscure comedy not the social elite, will regale. His projects in this arena include Vince Young for Towels and Rob Gronkowski Erotic Fan Fiction with Charlotte McKinney and Rob Gronkowski. Kevin Stewart, who was the other producer, cinematographer and additional writer, has over 50 shooting credits.

If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.

This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.

Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• The Golden Child - Starz
• The Monkey King: Havoc in Heaven's Palace - Netflix
• Dirty Grandpa - EPIX

Wild Card - Who would win in a Knife Fight?

• Kevin Bacon vs Stephen Dorff

About Deuces Wild - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Martin Scorsese has taken a number of large deuces, most of them stayed in the toilet, this one went wild… Scorsese was apparently a producer on this with famed Frank Caruso. Scorsese was able to get his name off of it while Caruso was not.

Al Pacino stinks up the entire production of a film with such little story that 88 minutes is just ridiculous fluff. With tons of bad hair, sexual assault, disappearing actors, quite dubious motivations, non-linear time, drunk actors, and questionable filler material. It's pretty bonkers.

Lets start with Al Pacino. He stinks. I'm sorry world, Pacino stinks. He's great. We love him. He's hilarious. But he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. And this film is a highlight of how bad he is. His hair is outlandish. His skin changes shades of orange and he's just as confused with the film as we are. Great fun, great fun. Except for Alicia Witt, she gets sexually assaulted maybe more than any actress ever by an A-Lister....

A fan request comes in this week for some Pacino so we attempt to tackle the 2007 trainwreck about a guy who only has 88 Minutes to solve a murder....his own. Oh my gosh what an amazingly original concept, he said sarcastically. But as fans of terrible acting, we think this has potential.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Serpent's Lair - Amazon Prime
• The Howling VI - Amazon Prime
• Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - Rent from take your pick

The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor - the Pacino edition

• Michael Coreleone - The Godfather series
• Lt. Col. Frank Slade - Scent of a Woman
• The Devil - The Devil's Advocate
• any other role ever....

About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

This is another attempt to bottle suspense by presenting the story in “real time”. Other valiant attempts at this were the not wonderful films, Nick of Time with Jon Depp and Phone Booth with Colin Farrell. I just looked over the fairly short list of real time films and it looks like they all stink. I am not sure about Die Hard for two reasons, one I feel like there is some forward cutting at the end and two, I don’t know if I actually like Die Hard. For some reason Run Lola Run is on this list and thought the vignettes are presented mostly in real time the fact that there are three vignettes dealing with probability and possibly parallel time lines would in my eyes disqualify it from being in “real time”. Shame on you, who ever miscategorized that film.

In 2001, Mariah Carey decided to wreck thousands of lives and destroy Sam's affection for her visual appearance, primarily her face. While "glitter can't overpower the artist" Glitter can't even overpower it's own idiocy, racism, and sexism.

What? Glitter is a period-piece? This takes place in 1983? WTF? Why on Earth does it take place in 1983? The clothes, the cars, the music, the set pieces, the vernacular, NOTHING was done that says "Hey, it's 1983" except a bottom 1/3 graphic. It's screams that it's actually 2001. And 1983 serves absolutely no purpose to the story. None. If there was a bad movie award for poor and unnecessary choices and the subsequent execution of said choice, this would have been that categories Gone With the Wind.

It's time for Jackie to choose another Razzie winning and highly nominated "musical". In 2001, men in ties decided to crap in our ears and eyes as the allow Mariah Carey to create her own movie about her career (sorta). Get ready for gluch....

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• The Curse of Sleeping Beauty - Netflix

Justin's Top 5 80's Action Guys!

5. Kurt Russell - Escape from LA, The Thing, Big Trouble, Tango & Cash
4. Chuck Norris - Delta Force, Firewalker, Invasion USA, Lone Wolf McQuade
3. Jackie Chan - Project A, Meals on Wheels, Police Story, Armour of God
2. Sly Stallone - All Rambos, Rocky IV, Cobra, Tango & Cash
1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Conan, Commando, Predator, Running Man

Our final film in our superhero threepeat is 2008's MCU bonkersfest Punisher: War Zone and its a masterpiece. Its the most violent, over the top, ridiculous, preposterous, bad-assery, poorly acted gem of an incredible time. It would have been impossible for this film to be successful but it is also impossible to NOT be a cult-classic. It's great.

Ray Stevenson kills it as the Punisher. There should be no other person to ever play Frank Castle (Sorry Joe Bernthal, Punisher doesn't have roof top conversations with men in tights; he just kills people). Ray's big, formidable, and hardly has any lines. He's brilliant.

In the last of our Superhero Threepeat, we are super jacked to bring in one of the most ridiculous (and awesome) films ever made. Its just one of only two "Marvel Knights" movies and I can't imagine why there weren't more. Ray Stevenson becomes Frank Castle in a bonkers and violent manner in Punisher: War Zone. Do not fail to watch this epic film.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Frozen - Starz
• Sahara - Netflix
• Predator - Starz

Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Real or not real comic book characters?

Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

Duddits is the man of the week as we go back to one of the most surprisingly bad (we mean bad) blockbusters of all time. It's 2003's Stephen King based Dreamcatcher starring every single actor ever!

I gotta admit, whomever cut that trailer did an epic job of polishing a turd. It really looks like a good movie. Way to mask all the poop monster stuff!

Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

Brought to you by "Top Pits" starring Tom Cruises and Valerie Kilmer.

In 2002, Stallone gave us an 8 time Razzie nominated movie that he took the time to write. Remember! This is the guy that wrote the screenplay to Rocky for which he won an Oscar....the same guy. Yeah....right. It's sort of a movie about race car driving, it's sort of about race car drivers and then its sort of about absolutely nothing.

LL stars in her Razzie winning opus/masterpiece of terrible cinema, twice! It's the story of a mixed up teen and her mixed up teen doppelganger who suffer from "non-religious stigmata" and death by not finishing piano training. It may be the least frightening horror movie ever made!

Lindsey Lohan wows us in the film. She may not have been aware she was in movie for about half of the film. She appears to be either on ludes or vodka quite frequently. You can see her tune out of being there when not giving lines and sorta just stares at the wall. Her "stripping" is awful in that she doesn't actually strip. Oh she dances then? No she doesn't do that either. She just sorta makes a poopy face and slithers around the pole. Wow. I've never stripper danced before but I'm pretty sure I could have done a better job.

Presented by "I Know Who My Agent Is" the horror film that only scares Hollywood. An agent sets out to kill Lindsey Lohan, Paul Giamatti and Will Smith's careers. The horror!

Jackie brings in another multi-Razzie winner, with 8 wins, including Worst Actress and Worst Picture. It's the Lohan, starring in her first role as a crack whore but refuses to take her top off. Can it possibly be worse than Wicker Man?

Episode audio warning: there is a weird bumping the mic sound for the first 20 minutes of this episode. We completely apologize but we can't fix it. Its annoying and I hate it and want it to die but we can't fix it.

We are just going to say right out the gate that Catwoman sucks. It's awful. Pure garbage and terrible film-making. It very well may be the worst made movie that we have viewed on this podcast. This belongs in the bottom 20 on IMDB. Blech.

The movie attempts to be a special effects masterpiece. There is an amazing amount of unnecessary CGI that all looks completely awful. We know that this was 2004 and CGI wasn't quite as good as we have now. Simple solution = don't add it. So much of it could be eliminated and wouldn't change the movie in the slightest. Ugh.