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Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

The effects and the action sequences are painful. They gave me a tummy ache. There are so many over the top car crashes with over-post-production editing and just random shots sprinkled in between all mixed together with incredibly dumb slow motion that even if you only watch auto racing for the crashes you will want to throw your remote at the television. 

We should also mention that there is continual vocal music being played throughout the film. If someone was brave enough to watch this film again it'd be curious to know if there is a moment in the film where non-diagetic vocal music is NOT playing. Just one second even. It seems that there is not. Good work.

The acting is pretty bad here. Estella Warren was the sole winner of a Razzie for worst acting and we find that shocking. She was the least worst and that's an achievement because she is quite bad. Stallone's seems to be going out of his way to make his face shape change in such a way that he becomes even more unintelligible than normal. Kip Pardue does his best to score an on-screen record for making poopy-face. Burt Reynolds gives the most shitty inspiration recorded on film. Til Schweiger does his best Tommy Wiseau. Yet every actor in this movie clearly thinks that an Oscar is coming next February.

This one is just too crappy and annoying for us. There is probably a market of bad movie fans that could enjoy this one but the complete lack of anything happening in this film keeps us from giving is a watchable review. It sucks.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:1-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:0-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:1-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:3-star

Prelude to The Fantastic Four
Prelude to Driven


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Sunday, 25 February 2024

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