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Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.

Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.

Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?

Listener Feedback

Re: My superpower of electromagnetic telekinesis at a cost:

Our good movie friend Tucker (If We Made It Podcast) stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.

Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action movie attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.

To purge ourselves from the misery of last weeks movie we dowse ourselves in awesomeness and then light ourselves on fire (that was all figurative, in no way do we endorse lighting yourself on fire...unless you're a total tool, then go for it) and let Arnold take the show over it the quintessential action movie of the 1980s (maybe even ever) but still incredibly dumb, Commando.

Fall SMABFA Contenders

• Ben-Hur - Uh, you know you screwed up here.
• Nine Lives - Thanks for telling our kids they are stupid and will like anything. Their not and they hated this.
• The Mechanic: Resurrection - Statham takes a shot at getting that Best Bad Movie title. Possible surprise one here.
• Rings - So what? Sumara lives in Netflix now? Come on it worked (barely) with VHS but 20 years later is too much later....

The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor

• Joan Crawford - Mommie Dearest
• The Waits Family - Troll 2
• Mike Roark - Volcano
• Harry Dalton - Dante's Peak

About Commando (1985) - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Mark L. Lester is making his second, but most likely not last visit, to Stinker Madness from the directors chair. His first film we covered was, of course, Showdown in Little Tokyo. This week's film Commando, is among his most popular, along side the cult classic Class of 1984 and the John Candy vehicle, Armed and Dangerous. Fortunately for us Lester is still turning out stinkers. His most recent effort is 2014's Dragons of Camelot, and it looks like a lot, of bull shit.

The Corey's team up to help Haim get his drivers license and bang a girl. Along the way, they go on a slew of crimes mostly involving reckless endangerment but also sexual assault and child pornography in a showcase of how horrible the 80's were. Not even Heather Graham and Carol Kane can save this.

This film is a pukefest of 80's trends, stupidity, and selfishness. It's a perfect capsule of something that is horrible. So yes, it captures the essence of the decade but the decade sucks and so does this film. Sorry lovers of Aquanet. 

The "Coreys" make their official first appearance on the show with the 80's cheesefest about teenagers getting driver's licenses. This sounds like a recipe for disaster as the 80's sucked, teenagers suck and drivers training sucks the worst! At least Heather Graham is easy on the eye-balls.

Streaming Roman Do's and Don'ts

• Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor (1990) - IMDB
• Hired to Kill (1990) - IMDB
• Steele Justice (1987) - IMDB

Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Spit! The Acne Cure - 7 out of 10

John Rambo comes to us in the third installment of the First Blood/Rambo franchise in the pinnacle of 80's over the top action. It's fun, it's stupid, its violent, and ridiculous. But in the year 2016 and how much we don't really care for ethnic cleansing, it's also a little offensive.

If Rambo had been left in Afghanistan for about 3 months, the world certainly would be a different place than it is today and it's anybody's guess whether it would be better or worse. It could go either way, because sure he kicks the Russkies asses but he also teams up with the Mujahideen and I'm not sure that he didn't honestly believe they were worth fighting with. At no point does it seem anyone questioned the motives of the Mujahideen during filmmaking. They were fighting the Russians so I guess that must mean they are the good guys. It wouldn't take much longer before we learned that they were genocidal assholes. Ooo, poor taste in pals, John.

Carolco decides its destiny by spending too much on a ridiculous film that involves a man causes fire and bullets to steer clear. It's the Stallord's one jillionth appearance on the show and we haven't even gotten to Tango & Cash, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot or Cliffhanger!

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Reign of Fire - Starz
• Down n' Dirty - Amazon Prime 

The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?

John Rambo (First Blood) vs John Rambo (First Blood: Part 2)

In 1981, Faye Dunaway took the role of Joan Crawford and then thought she was on a one way track to Oscar Town. Instead, her completely unbelievable performance bought her a bus ticket to Razzieville. We take on this cult classic and try to determine the ultimate question of "Is it really that bad or good?"

So there's truly only one thing to talk about regarding this film. It's Faye Dunaway's performance. So much has been said about this role and her completely ridiculous take on being an insane person. You can't take her seriously. The character is doing completely horrible things that bear no semblance to anything a rational person would do but Faye's take on it is outlandish. It's impossible and by far the most interesting part of the whole damn thing. Unfortunately, her freak outs are too few and far between.

One of the most prolific bad movies of all time finally lands on the show with Jackie's choice in the Faye Dunaway "acted" biography adaptation of Mommie Dearest. It's the story of Joan Crawford and her very progressive and seemingly quite fair treatment of stolen baby, Christina. So many Razzie wins but will it hold up to the Stinker Madness treatment?

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Twisted Justice - Amazon Prime
• Project Metalbeast - YouTube
• Striking Distance - Starz

The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate

Fart force fields - 4 out of 10 stars

Sam brings us the least karate "karate" movie to ever exist with martial arts being replaced by romance, music, dancing, neon, sassy children, and pizza. While this may sound like something you want to put your head through a wall for, The Last Dragon is truly awesome.

The Last Dragon is the tale of a kung fu obsessed teenager who is the son of a pizza restaurateur on a journey to be the best at kung fu. His adventures are endangered by The Shogun of Harlem, Sho Nuff and Arkadian, who wants to use his love interest to further his own fortune. Well that seems sorta straight-laced but this film is one of the silliest things we've done.

This week on the podcast Sam brings in a movie that made him quite angry as a child but then grew to love it's non-kung-fu ways. It's 1985's The Last Dragon in which a "kung fu" guy tries to achieve something called "The Glow".

Listener Feedback

@StinkerMadness Ah yes, this one is better than 10-10-220-Evil imo

Dirty Harry finally becomes the worst cop in the history of cops when he decides asking questions or arresting people is boring; it's just better to shoot everyone in the face. Sprinkle in some karate, self-deprecating jokes, an unnecessary love interest, old-man grumble dialogue, a car/rc car/car chase, dubious action, and a plot that leaves the audience thinking it was invented by monkeys and you've got the recipe for a franchise killer. Goodbye, Dirty Harry.

The primary problem with The Dead Pool is the incapable hands behind the camera. The script is incredibly dumb, with a "surprise" twist that is blatantly obvious from the first scene in the movie. You're then stuck with a setup for the twist that you're already clued into for the next hour. You know that all the character actions are irrelevant to the actual story and it makes it painful to deal with. So you've got an audience bored with the movie, why not put in another plot as a vehicle for action? Seriously, when your main story doesn't have any call for action, don't add a subplot that is just there so that your protagonist can shoot people in the face. Terrible writing. 

This week we put on our best "squinty stink-eye whisper-yelling shoot everyone in the face" faces and get ready for Clint Eastwood to make his first appearance on the show in the franchise-killing Dead Pool. Can Harry Calahan keep his gun in his pants for more than six lines of dialogue?

You're Wrong, Idiot!

Regarding Superman IV: The Quest for Peace 

Part 2 of our 3 Superhero Movie Festival just so happens to be our 200th podcast episode! Congratulations to us! Sadly the movie, Supergirl, does not contain any of the fanfare that revolves around our momentous milestone. It's just one of the most boring, uneventful films ever made.

There are so many problems with Supergirl. The first and foremost is that absolutely nothing happens of interest. It's truly unwatchable in the level of bore. Make something happen guys...anything.

In part 2 of our Superhero fest, we follow Superman IV with another flop from the Supes franchise, 1984's Supergirl, starring Helen Slater of The Legend of Billie Jean fame. How offensive will Jackie's third 1980's teen girl movie be? Can it stand up to the horrible morals established in Teen Witch? Will it have as much creepy sexual misguidance as Tomboy? We're two for two in this genre so hopefully Supergirl will uphold the tradition.

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

• Wolf - Starz
• Chain Reaction - Starz
• Cool World - Starz

Wild Card - The Superhero Poop Battle

• Batman vs The Joker
• The Joker vs Lex Luthor
• Thor vs Lex Luthor

About Supergirl - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

As mentioned in last week’s SBBS, or as I refer to it in private; the astute observations of a handsome genius, this was the final cannonball that sunk the dubious Salkind Superman franchise. After the dreadful Superman 3 the Salkinds felt they could revive the series by doing a spinoff with Supergirl. At this point Richard Lester has once again had it with the Salkinds. The directorial search ended with French director Jeannot Szwarc, a veteran of American Television. He had previously directed Christopher Reeves in Somewhere in Time. His Hollywood commercial viability was dropping as the aforementioned Somewhere in Time had under-performed and his follow up, Enigma with Martin Sheen was a full flop. The Salkinds, who were probably out of options, took him on the recommendation of Reeves, who would subsequently bail on his cameo in this film. The script was provided by David O’Dell who, with his next film would provide Stinker Madness with it’s first episode: Masters of the Universe. Odell also wrote the script for the visual masterpiece, The Dark Crystal. Those who have paid close attention to the dialogue and the story of The Dark Crystal have determined that it makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. Money was apparently no object as Dolly Parton would turn down 7 million to play the witch. The opening credits reportedly cost $1 million.

Its time for another great threepeat of similarly themed crappy movies and in honor of Cap Vs Iron Man we are going to delve into some of the less talked about but maybe even worse superhero movies that have graced the silver screen and then tripped upon entrance. You'll thrill at Superman IV's ineptness! You'll gasp at the offensiveness of Supergirl! You'll wonder at the banana business that is Punisher: War Zone! Join us for this excellent showcase of flops in the worlds of DC and Marvel.

Superman takes on Lex Luthor's crappy cro-magnon clone of the Man of Steel while adding the power of the sun. So he's made of the thing that gives Supes his power on Earth? Bad design, Lex. Oh also, Superman owns a net specifically made to store nuclear missiles. Did he buy that?

Its time for another great threepeat of similarly themed crappy movies and in honor of Cap Vs Iron Man we are going to delve into some of the less talked about but maybe even worse superhero movies that have graced the silver screen and then tripped upon entrance. You'll thrill at Superman IV's ineptness! You'll gasp at the offensiveness of Supergirl! You'll wonder at the banana business that is Punisher: War Zone! Join us for this excellent showcase of flops in the worlds of DC and Marvel.

This week we prepare to enter the world of the 4 Christopher Reeves' Superman experience with the fourth and final of them. Superman faces off against Nuclear Man and the world's problem with too many damn nukes! We start the episode with Arch-Maker.com, the only speed dating experience for hero's and villain's trying to find the perfect nemesis match.

Sandahl Bergman and a couple of nut-sacks take us on an Odyssey through one bonkers town to the next in a post-apocalyptic/swords and sandals mashup. We welcome our very special guest, Toren Atkinson of The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets and the Caustic Soda Podcast, to help us attempt to make sense of 1982's She.

We want to say a huge thank you to the very funny, Toren Atkinson. We've all been huge fans of the Caustic Soda Podcast and are happy to have our second of the three hosts on our show. Don't hesitate to go back and listen to our hilarious American Ninja episode with Joe Fulgham for more Caustic Soda business. Toren is also the front-man of the "Chuthulu" rock band, The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets. TDotHT is recording and new album and Toren was kind enough to let us include one of the most badass of tracks, "Nyarlathotep". 

This week on the Stinker Madness Podcast we get ready for the 1982 Sandahl Bergman "post-apocalyptic" Oddysey, She. Be sure to join us on the main episode when special guest, Toren Atkinson, from The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets and the Caustic Soda podcast joins us to try and make heads or tails of She.

We open the episode with the most pronouny game show of all time, "Who did that? We did!"