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What happens if you turn a gymnast into an action hero, a trashy whore into super spy, James Bond into a Ben-Gay ad, and Gene Simmons into a lady-boy? Why you get this DTV gem of a movie, duh! Uncle Jesse saves the world from dirty water and Gene Simmons gives us a "too believable" performance. YEEEEAHH!

So John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a gymnastic champ who's father is a top secret agent (played by George Lazenby). When Lance's father dies preventing a group of hooligans from doing something unknown, Stargrove must take over the family business and stop Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), a transgender sociopath with dreams of world domination (we guess). Stargrove is helped out by Danja (Vanity) and his tech buddy Cliff (Peter Kwong).

Some bad movies have a great beginning and a great ending but the middle is dry and dull. This is often due to lack of a budget or lack of imagination in the writing. Never Too Young to Die is not one of those films. This thing comes in hot and never cools down with scene after scene of shenanigans that you look for in a classic stinker. From the unforgettable theme song (entitled Stargrove, naturally) to the climatic and preposterous battle on top of a dam between Stargrove and Von Ragner, this one is solid gold.

Hang on to your eye of newt and your spider legs! You're about to drink a powerful witch's brew of bad movie business. Betrayal, conceit, lust, and greed take over this week in a trip back to the 80's. You're going to be the most popular girl!

This movie is nanners. It seems amazingly offensive to just about any group of people in the world, including females, teenagers, morals, parents, teachers and probably even witches. The witch trials were a better era for witches than Teen Witch. The movie is about an unpopular girl in high school who uses magic powers to win the heart of a statutory rapist, in the process ruins the life of her friends and family. She's an awful person. Her beau is about the biggest b-hole in the world so they may be perfect for each other but combined they are like Stalin marrying Lizzie Borden. Pure evil!

Most people will note this film for its horrible music. Rap battles, cheer songs about boys, on stage performances from a Sheena-E knockoff, the list goes on. The interesting thing about the music is the sheer volume which lends this film to be considered a musical, however we can't agree because each of the musical sequances take place in the reality of the world and the world is presented as if it is our world. I think these musical pieces aren't there for pure entertainment like true musicals do; they are there because they are part of the characters life. It's pretty weird. However, each musical number is purely ridiculous and can each be viewed on their own for their LOL-ability.

Magic (and baloney) is in the air this week as we prepare ourselves for Jackie's pick; a dancicul knock-off of Teen Wolf.  Plus the usual other 0.5 episode stuff. Listen to it before we hex you!