Roland pulls out all the stops in the disaster genre by blowing up the entire planet (sorta). Bad science and bad acting abound in one heck of a production, but does that translate into a good time?
Lets just start by saying this film is way too long. By the 3/4 point even the diehard dumb movie viewer is tired and bored of the "excitement". It just keeps going and going and going. That would be ok if you could possibly be emotionally invested in the characters in anyway. But you just want them all to die.
Well we exit 2016 with a bang...sorta. We went ahead and re-recorded our previous attempt at 2012, since we bungled the first versions and now in all it's glory we dive into the 2009 film from stinker Hall of Famer, Roland Emmerich in which the world explodes...sorta.
A Judy Garland dress which sold for $302,000 in 2012 was worn in which movie? The Wizard of Oz
What is the year 2012 in Roman numerals? MMXII
Who became the oldest actor to win an Oscar in 2012? Christopher Plummer
What member of the Monkees died in 2012? Davy Jones
Name the devastating mid/N American hurricane of Oct 2012? Sandy
What film released in 2012 went on to win Oscar gold? Argo
Razzie winner? Twilight 4
About 2012 (2009) - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
2012 released in 2009 as it would have been far too late otherwise. By the way, we are all currently dead. We collectively did not heed the words of Nostra-Dumb-Ass, nor did we individually learn to fly limousines; for shame. Roland Emerich tried to tell us in 2009, but we didn’t listen. He also tried to tell us about magical gateways to the stars, and how great James Spader’s hair used to be. He also wants us to listen to what 50’Cent has to say, as the main character, Jackson Curtis, is names sort of backwards after the rapper. Upon writing this I realized I know really nothing about Curtis Jackson or know any of his songs, but with titles like: “I Get Money”, “I Get In” and “OK, You’re Right”, he probably isn’t wrong?
When you've been stuck in an attic, are literally yellow, and forced to be your mom's sperm donor for your whole life, you're probably going to have some issues. So pick up your pokey objects and take some eyeballs out in the name of Santa!
The problem here is that this film, while somewhat entertaining, is just too generic and blasé. It's a slasher with fairly little imagination. When you come into a slasher film, you're here for one thing - ridiculous death scenes. This film does NOT have that. There's fairly vague death scenes (oh the camera cut away, the horror!), there's "deaths" that people wouldn't actually die from (such as a tiny icicle shattering through your skull, dropped from a height of 3 feet), and pretty meh makeup. The obsession with eyeball mutilation is over done and gets old after the first two eyeball sequences.
Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.
Bob Clark’s career spanned 5 decades and some of his more treasured works are, Porky’s, A Christmas Story and the multi award winning Murder by Decree. He also was responsible for a laundry list of stinkers, including but not limited to; Rhinestone, The Karate Dog and three films which have landed in the conversation of worst movies ever made, those being, Turk 182! and the Baby Geniuses duology. Hard to imagine that the same guy could give you a piece of treasured Americana like A Christmas Story while in the other hand delivering a turd sandwich like Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. 1974’s Black Christmas was Clark’s fifth film and it marked his break out of ultra budget films. It reportedly returned $4 million against a budget of $620k. In 2006 he decided to remake the film, acting only as producer in this case. This time around the film would return $16 million against a budget of $9 million.
Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.
Put on your sequin jumpsuit, grow out your side-burns, and fry up them bananas because we've got a movie this week that features too many Elvis' and so many Razzie nominations. It's Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell in a no hold barred competition of who can suck more.
About 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001) - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
There is nowhere in the lower 48 states that is a distance of 3000 miles to Graceland. The furthest point from Graceland in the contiguous United States is the border to Canada in Washington State, north of Seattle. It is a little over 2500 miles from Graceland. Through rushed deduction and relatively unsound mathematics I have decided that the major city that would be closest aforementioned distance would be Calgary, known for it’s famous rodeo, not so much it’s Elvises.
While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.
ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.
Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...
Santo vs las Mujeres Vampiro - (Samson vs the Vampire Women) MST3K, YouTube
The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?
Turkey vs Pig
Olive vs Cranberry
Regular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes
About ThanksKilling - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
ThanksKilling was shot on a budget of $3500 in the summer of 2007 and it received it’s official release on DVD in 2009. It seems to be the brain child of Jordan Downey, who has little credits outside of the ThanksKilling series. The main assists would be from working editor and writer Brad Shultz and working cinematographer Kevin Stewart. Though Downey’s only major titles include ThanksKilling and it’s $100k Kickstarter sequel, ThanksKilling 3. Shultz however has over 30 editing credits as well as over 20 writing credits, there are some sprinkled in directorial credits as well. He seems to be a man of my own heart. Some of his more personal short projects involve the NFL. These are the sort of special projects that both alienate fans of football and fans of comedy. After the 99% think you’re an idiot, myself and the other one percent, or fans of extraordinarily obscure comedy not the social elite, will regale. His projects in this arena include Vince Young for Towels and Rob Gronkowski Erotic Fan Fiction with Charlotte McKinney and Rob Gronkowski. Kevin Stewart, who was the other producer, cinematographer and additional writer, has over 50 shooting credits.
If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.
This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annihilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.
Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?
Martin Scorsese has taken a number of large deuces, most of them stayed in the toilet, this one went wild… Scorsese was apparently a producer on this with famed Frank Caruso. Scorsese was able to get his name off of it while Caruso was not.
Al Pacino stinks up the entire production of a film with such little story that 88 minutes is just ridiculous fluff. With tons of bad hair, sexual assault, disappearing actors, quite dubious motivations, non-linear time, drunk actors, and questionable filler material. It's pretty bonkers.
Lets start with Al Pacino. He stinks. I'm sorry world, Pacino stinks. He's great. We love him. He's hilarious. But he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. And this film is a highlight of how bad he is. His hair is outlandish. His skin changes shades of orange and he's just as confused with the film as we are. Great fun, great fun. Except for Alicia Witt, she gets sexually assaulted maybe more than any actress ever by an A-Lister....
A fan request comes in this week for some Pacino so we attempt to tackle the 2007 trainwreck about a guy who only has 88 Minutes to solve a murder....his own. Oh my gosh what an amazingly original concept, he said sarcastically. But as fans of terrible acting, we think this has potential.
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor - the Pacino edition
Michael Coreleone - The Godfather series
Lt. Col. Frank Slade - Scent of a Woman
The Devil - The Devil's Advocate
any other role ever....
About American Kickboxer 2 - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
This is another attempt to bottle suspense by presenting the story in “real time”. Other valiant attempts at this were the not wonderful films, Nick of Time with Jon Depp and Phone Booth with Colin Farrell. I just looked over the fairly short list of real time films and it looks like they all stink. I am not sure about Die Hard for two reasons, one I feel like there is some forward cutting at the end and two, I don’t know if I actually like Die Hard. For some reason Run Lola Run is on this list and thought the vignettes are presented mostly in real time the fact that there are three vignettes dealing with probability and possibly parallel time lines would in my eyes disqualify it from being in “real time”. Shame on you, who ever miscategorized that film.
This episode of the podcast centers around the classic Thanksgiving film from 1972, Blood Freak. Its that old tale of a man who smokes a little pot, eats an entire turkey and those goes on a tryptophan fueled and murderous rampage by becoming a freaking turkey. Yep. That's it.
Blood Freak is freaking insane and one of the worst movies ever made. The production values are incredibly poor with poor lighting, out of focus shots, terrible set design and horrible acting. It's right in line with films like Eegah!, Monster A Go-Go, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, or anything starring Tor Johnson. How this managed to get past the MST3K crew is a mystery deeper than where the hell is Amelia Earhardt.
In early preparation for Thanksgiving, Jackie gets a headstart with pulling the trigger on a turkey of a movie from 1972, 3 weeks early. But that's OK because it's a spooky tale about a motorcycle guy who smokes some pot and gets turned into a murderous turkey. Just like your family.
Special Segment - Films we've seen the most in a given period of time
Duncan Jax and his faithful companion, Boon are back to take down a group of Nazis living in South America from accomplishing their dubious evil plans, mostly having a functioning laser and unfreezing their cryogenic leader, Ze Furor. Yes that one.
I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA
This week on the podcast Sam follows up the first Duncan Jax movie with what may or may not be the sequel to Unmasking the Idol. This time Duncan's going to take down a bunch of Nazis who happen to have a little special guest on their hands.
Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!
The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.
Back in 1981, Disney tried to gift the world with a live-action version of a comic-book character, and failed miserably. But their mistake is our great reward as Condorman sweeps through the show. We are giddy with excitement.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Death Wish II - EPIX
Death Wish III - TUBITV
Troll - EPIX and Prime
The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
Emo-Man - You gain powers based on your emotional state, ie angry you get hulky, peaceful you get zenlike, sad you can shoot water out your eyes, horny you get smelly genitals....
Michael J. Dudikoff and Steve James are back from American Ninja and this time the volume of ninja gets ramped up to ludicrous levels. How do you get so many ninja? Well you just build an evil clone army of them so you can be a drug kingpin. What? Yep.
In another instance of Golan and Globus having very little understanding of the ninja, we also have very little understanding of their understanding. When you can clone ninja, what do you do with the ninja you've cloned? Well you become the kingpin of drugs. So why do you need ninja? Are they couriers? Are they drug dealers? Are they guards? Why not just have guys with guns? And why are your cloned ninja so inept? The plot is quite dumb.
It's time to finish off our Ninja-threepeat with a follow up to our American Ninja episode in which Michael Dudikoff dons the role of Pvt. Joe Armstrong, teams up with Curtis Jackson and fights hordes and hordes of random ninja.
Well it looks like Sam Firstenberg moved in to your house, as evidenced by all of these ninja movies. Well that, the toilet’s full and the cat’s pregnant. Week three of ninja business presents us with another film which most likely knows nothing about ninjas. If it did Michael Dudikoff wouldn’t be playing one. It will be difficult for American Ninja 2: The Confrontation to live up to the previous not knowing anything about ninja standards set by Ninja 3: The Domination, in which a ninja is a crazy person/ghost who wants nothing more than to kill everyone everywhere, and Unmasking the Idol, wherein a ninja is a middle aged man who has bedroom eyes and a chain mail Eyes Wide Shut costume. Ian Hunter was actually in the original cut of Eyes Wide Shut but he was covered by digital furniture as the producers found his apparel and demeanor obscene. Can this possibly know less about ninjas then the previous ninja movies? Let’s find out together.
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