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The Three Musketeers

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Once upon a time in Hollywood, we made movies around soundtracks and the movie took a second place in effort. At the height of that craze, we were left with this malarkey and the legend of Chris O'Donnell was born.

Let's get this out of the way; we've come a long way since swashbuckling was big and there's good reason. It stinks. Think of watching Henry Cavill mess a bunch of guys up in an alley during the first season of The Witcher. It's badass. Swashbuckling is not. "Yes, but the kiddies can't exactly watch The Witcher split a man's head in half with a silver sword, now can they? Oh wise podcast critic! Haha!" Charlie Sheen might say. Ok, well then think of Viggo Mortensen fighting orcs at the Battle of Helm's Deep, you winning bastard! Swash-buckling is a complete waste of time.

Yet this movie is soooo full of it. There's very little else going on here that doesn't involve either poorly timed jokes and proper fencing footwork. And it's all lackluster. Sadly, on a revisit The Three Musketeers doesn't quite work. It's more of a tedious affair which tries to rely on the same jokes and sequences over and over. There's no movement - it's just a flat line that suddenly stops for the credits - which further enforces the film just being a vehicle to get to a terrible song to play during the credits.

This is a sad pass for me and a barely do from my other co-hosts. Enter at your own risk and only bring a group of quality riffers along with you.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:1-star
Horrendous acting:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:2-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Nonsensical Plot:4-star


Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 4-star
Bad Movie Quality:4-star

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Thursday, 22 February 2024

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