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Santa Claus: The Movie

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Boardroom Santa! Ever been really into the business of Santa? Have a passion for Operations Management? Got a degree in holly jolly marketing? Wear a tie with your pajamas? Well this movie is for you! Just not for anyone else.

For the rest of us Santa Claus: The Movie is about as interesting as a government made educational training video. Its just painfully boring. "Santa has a meeting with Jeff and Susie from accounting! Oh boy would I like to see that!" he said sarcastically. "The elves meet in the conference room for a call with the supply department! Wowee!!!!" he said while shoving his head in trash.

The antagonist (John Lithgow) seriously doesn't show up until the 60% completion mark which makes the first hour and fifteen minutes completely devoid of plot and then we he DOES show up it's a series of groan-inducing jokes and Santa being a mopey butthole because apparently he's the only one that can give toys to children for free.

Lastly, this film does an excellent job of showcasing what an awful person Santa (this version - not Santa in general you people about to accuse me of a war on Christmas) is. He is content to give starving children wooden toys instead of maybe food, or a home, or curing their diseases or stopping dictators from murdering their family or shoes even. Nope wooden toys is the only thing that children want - according to Santa. "Wait, they want things that aren't wooden toys?" Santa says at some point (paraphrasing). "But...but...then no one loves me! Boooo hooo hooo hoo" Ugh. You suck Santa.

Santa Claus: The Movie is only for people who care only for the pageantry of Christmas and not at all about the meaning of Christmas. It stinks!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:1-star
Cheesy effects:3-star
Horrendous acting:3-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:2-star
Ridiculous stunts:0-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Nonsensical Plot:4-star

Riffability:3-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 4-star
Bad Movie Quality:5-star

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Monday, 27 January 2020

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