Brought to you by TRASH. The new channel featuring animals playing sports. Order TRASH today!
Matt LeBlanc graces our TV in the 1996 mega-stinker Ed. Its about a movie of a man in a monkey suit playing baseball! Plus there's a chimpanzee who plays baseball! (Our apologies to Matt LeBlanc, that joke is just way to easy to make)
It's a cyberpunk trip through the Internet with Keanu Reeves as he portrays Johnny Mnemonic, a hard-drive installed brain courier guy who has to deliver the cure for Chronic Internetitis Addiction to a group of resistance fighters trying to free our minds from evil corporate influence.....or something?
Wow, 1995 really had no clue how the Internet worked. Yes, this is one of those "lets go into the Internet....with our minds" movies. They didn't get it right. I, however, don't want to spend too much time on how wrong they got with the Internet. I will say that it is the worst onscreen representation of the Internet in film.
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Brought to you by Johnny Pneumatic. Keanu Reeves and Rosmand Pike gets trapped in an annoying steampunk world and gets his armed replaced with a drill (just go with it).
Its time for us to finally see what the Internet looks like from the inside with 1995's Johnny Mnemonic, starring Keanu Reeves and Dina Meyer, with fun appearances of Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Udo Kier and Ice-T doesn't screw it up!
Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.
The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.
We open this one with a production meeting for the sequel to Stone Cold. Brian Bosworth discusses ideas.
Take one Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, put him in the role of one tough cop and let him do his own hair and costumes and you've got 1991's Stone Cold directed by stinker staple Craig R. Baxley. It's one of Justin's favorite bad movies so get jacked!
Matt Salinger dons the role of weak but honorable Steve Rogers and becomes Captain America as part of the Super Soldier Program so that he can be strong enough to stop the Nazi equivalent, the Red Skull. Sound familiar? Well that's about all this film has in common with anything that you know about Cap. The rest is pretty much the dumbest hot mess that you could possibly imagine.
Albert Pyun's Captain America is maybe the worst adaptation of a single character that has ever been made. Matt Salinger is awkward moving at all times and shows absolutely no athletic ability. Captain America is a bit of a dick as he really shows little concern for other people. He's about as smart as a box of hair. He really never succeeds in any mission nor is he ever known by the world as a WWII superhero, even though when he is unthawed the world seems to care, despite having never heard of him before.
Brought to you by Captain Canada. Can Captain Canada, with the help of Jacques Pierre, defeat the villainous Josef Stalin and his evil right hand man, the Red Scare? Tune in to WABC on Stinker Madness to find out!
It's time for some sweet pre-Avenger action, when Matt Salinger becomes Steve Rogers or is that Peyton Manning? Its 1990's Captain America directed by Albert Pyun and produced by Menahem Golan. Its gotta be a total slam dunk right?
Dolph and Jean Claude square off with the assistance of Roland Emmerich in the blockbuster film, Universal Soldier. The idea is that there is a military program that takes dead soldiers and reanimates them, while erasing their memories so that they can become undead badass guys. Are they zombies? Or just slightly retarded guys with guns?
The film is a very early Roland Emmerich work and really lays the foundation for his career. All of the staples that you see in a Roland Emmerich film are setup here. Plot details that just get glossed over (JCVD's accent for example), punchlines that involve people looking quizzically at each other after something ridiculous happens, action shots that seem crazy but you just really can't tell what's happening...Of course, JCVD also delivers some of the staples of his films as well including excessive shots of his butt and a lack of explaining his ethnicity. Dolph is just Dolph.
Brought to you by Universally Older - the one stop pharmaceutical line of products for the aging badass. JCVD approved!
This week Jackie pulls the metaphorical trigger on Roland Emmerich and Jean Claude Van Damme's first appearance on Stinker Madness. Plus Dolph Lundgren shows up for the fourth time in Universal Soldier. Can this be a good movie? Probably not....
American Kickboxer 2 is a one of a kind achievement in horrendously bad acting, awful dialogue, poorly performed stunts, and incredibly stupid plot. It really is a perfect storm in bad action movies. With this combined tour de crap, it becomes a laugh a second tornado of awesomeness. This is too rad to ignore.
Essentially, a rich family's child is kidnapped and the mother has to recruit two tough guys from her past to rescue her. Sounds simple right? Well lets try this again. The owner of a successful plumbing company has a slightly mentally handicapped child who gets kidnapped by action guys. She contacts her tough guy ex-husband and her tough guy ex-lover and explains to both of them that they have an 8 year old child and that she's been kidnapped. The two tough guys then proceed to fight each other more than bad guys until a hooker tells them that a warehouse that stores guys who don't actually work there and just have upstairs "Fight Club" also contains the kidnapped child. At that point they end up having to fight each other to the death, when a pothead frees here by using cockroaches. Movie ends with an implied three-way. Wow.
Christopher Lambert (the T is silent apparently) dons the role of Beowulf and defends an outpost in the future or past from Grendel, one of the "damned" who is a monster surrounded by a fart cloud, and his super horny mother. To defeat this evil duo, Beowulf must use his endless array of MI6-like weapon/gadgets and a series of flips and hand-springs. How many denizens of the outpost will survive before Beowulf gets the job done (spoiler alert - just 1)?
Lambert gives us another shining example why he should be the lead role in every bad movie. He's awful. Seriously bad. He constantly has this look on his face that seems like he's just staring at nothing (it turns out he's legally blind) and his accent is like Tommy Wiseau had a baby with Shakira. He delivers each line like its the ultimate one-liner after killing the bad guy with a bazooka at the end of the film. Let me put it this way, Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Dudikoff are better actors. But Lambert steals the show with this method and we loved him for it.
The effects and fight choreography are completely ridiculous. Grendel looks like someone did a really nice job of creating a monster but some producer decided he wasn't evil enough so they put in a nice post-production green/purple fart cloud that envelopes him the whole movie. There's an incredible amount of backflips, cartwheels and hand-springs that Beowulf uses during fighting and all lead to him to getting punched in the face by Grendel. That's right, Grendel doesn't claw or bite or rip people apart; he punches them right in the face like he was Chuck Norris, while being a hulking mass covered in farts. It's amazing.
Brought to you by "The Man Who Cared Too Much" - Starring Christopher Lambert
This week we prepare ourselves for the 1999 version of the classic poem with Christopher Lambert as the title character. Things to watch out for: How many back flips over the camera, how many times Lambert can't see anything, and how many times he cares too much. The movie is currently on Netflix so check it out and come back when we review the movie in full.
What does "Best Picture" mean to you? What things do you look for in a film to make you think it should win "Best Picture"?
Godfrey Ho or one of his 1000 other aliases, directs this stunning look into one man's child neglect issues and the subsequent internal conflicts that come about....mainly crazy mullet painting, eyeball collecting, insane kung fu fights and taking your shirt off.
Undefeatable is like a one-way ticket to nonsenical town. Don Niam plays "Stingray" a deatmatcher that fights in boxing gear and in a ring but killing the opponent is ok/encouraged (we don't know the rules) who becomes a wacko because he gets addicted to killing opponents. But he's also got mommy issues because at one point in his life she "went to get smokes" and never came back. Stingray's motivation for being nutty is pretty vague and unclear. But either way he's nuts. Really nuts. His wife leaves him because he's abusive so he goes on a hunt to find any and all women who resemble her and kidnap them, take their eyeballs and then dump the corpse. It should be noted that in this movie taking out someones eyeballs can and will be the cause of death. Any other actions taken are just for fun.
Meanwhile Cynthia Rothrock plays Kristi, a waitress/street fighter who is saving up money to pay for her sisters college. Unfortunately, Stingray takes Kristi's sister as one of his victims, so Kristi goes on a tirade through Kung Fu Town (everyone in this town knows kung fu, seriously) in a search for vengeance. Cynthia Rothrock is amazing in this film. Her fight scenes are epic, her acting is laughable (especially when she visits her sisters corpse in the morgue, which is in the police station apparently) and her air fighting practice is like something out of a bad break-dancing video. Its a tragedy that Don Niam and Cynthia Rothrock don't share more screen time because their singular screen presences are quite something and would be better if they could dual it out with their "acting" a little more.
Brought to you by Scripts R' Us - the only spot to get a movie script when you have absolutely no writing talent.
This episode, we prepare for what has been heralded as the most awesome thing ever, the Godfrey Ho YouTube sensation that is Undefeatable. From what we know there is lots of bad kung fu, some ridiculous stunts, an epic mullet, and the "best fight scene of all time", according to many movie reviewers. We have high hopes that this will be a new entry in the Bad Movie Hall of Fame.
Directed/Produced By Godfrey Hall (born Godfrey Ho, has 9 psudonyms)
Rachel and three of the worst painters known to man get terrorized by a little green guy with bad hygiene. He just wants his gold, but no one thinks to just spend the gold OR kick him across the county.
Also Warwick Davis rides a skateboard, drives a Power Wheel, pogos, teleports, does a Shaggy and Scooby-Doo impression, gets shot a bunch, has super strength, hates cereal, loves shoes, Daffy Ducks a fence, and has Wolverines powers.
Presented by History's Hidden Monsters. Now with even more conspiracy theories and rednecks!
This is Halloween and we get super jacked for it as Jackie picks a movie about a tiny adversary (paging Joe Dante). He's green and smells like a homeless man, but he's lives in our hearts...and wants to kill us.
Plus! Stinker Thinkers and SpooktoberFest Netflix Recommendations! OooooOOOOooo Rattle those Chains! And fear overusage of exclamation points!!!!
A group of teenage Jawas thaw out a frozen Jason, only to realize that the its time to die. Not even a karate version of C-3PO can stop Jason from enacting his vengeance on humpers. Plus, is that Candyman? And why are space stations so explodable?
So some how in 2008 Jason is captured and stuck in a cryogenic research facility (that just happens to be at Camp Crystal Lake). Some Army dudes want to study his regenerative powers but instead he hacks them all up. One of the facility staff them shoots Jason into one of the cryo chambers and he gets frozen up nice until 2455. At that point, a group of students/doctors/research/scavengers (unclear who these people are but they basically are Jawas) find Jason and put him on their space ship so they can sell him. He thaws out and hilarity ensues.
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