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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

The plot of this film is quite dubious. Essentially, there is a biker gang that is causing a ruckus. One of them gets put on trial for shooting a priest for some reason. So we guess they are going to try to spring him from jail. The FBI hires a suspended tough guy cop named Joe Huff to go under-cover, as John Stone, in the gang to keep tabs on them. Along the way, they do some stuff and then Joe completely fails to stop them from killing everyone. We really have no idea what the story of this film is supposed to be. On screen, all you can really tell is that a guy acts tough and then all of Mississippi dies. It also seems that no one really has much of a plan to accomplish their unknown goals. The biker gang has no end game. Stone's plan just seems to be hang around the gang and do assorted tasks for them. And when someone comes up with a plan to do something they completely fail every single time. Even simple tasks like "earn profits" or "stay alive" cannot be executed.

Brian Bosworth....wow. His hair is amazing. It is arguably the most powerful power-mullet ever to be captured in film. And then there's his attire. He dresses as future man, wears a skunk pelt, denim vests, and a banana hammock to name a few of the gems. It's highly likely that he used his own wardrobe as we know for a fact that he used his own motorcycle. His acting is easily the worst in this film as it's quite wooden. In contrast, Forsythe and Hendriksen do quite well in portraying madmen biker guys.

The film is quite action packed and rarely has any slow moments. When things do quiet down in the middle, there's just so head-scratching to try and figure out what the heck this thing is all about that it fills in nicely. The end is absolutely amazing, the beginning is at 11, the Boz fills out the middle quite entertainingly. We loved this movie (except for Jackie) and highly recommend it.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:5-star
Cheesy effects:2-star
Horrendous acting:2-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:3-star
Memorable one-liners:3-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 4-star
Bad Movie Quality:7-star

Prelude to Hard Ticket to Hawaii
Prelude to Stone Cold

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Saturday, 13 April 2024

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