EasyBlog

Become a Patron!

Inside lives a truly great film that delves into commentary about what it means to be a leader, the sacrifices one must make for their people, that no one should be judged by their appearance, and that anyone can truly be great. Unfortunately, it's all thrown aside for the sake of groan-inducing hi-jinx and jingoism. Yay....

King Ralph is a debacle. It's a horrendous stain on film-making and for only one reason - the "comedy". Imagine a mash-up of The King's Speech and C.H.O.M.P.S. and then throw your popcorn into the toilet and replace it with burnt toast. That's your cinematic viewing experience here. It's atrociously annoying, horrendously offensive at points and trips over it's own wit to pickup a pratfall. Expect your living room to be as silent as all of England when they learned Hollywood planned to eliminate the entire Royal Family in effigy.

Become a Patron!

Rambo rides off into the sunset (or dies in a pool of blood) but takes many, many, many people down with him on the way. It's a bloody, sticky, mess that will fall into the either love-it or hate-it folly.

So let's get this out of the way first - Rambo: Last Blood looks like absolute crap. Whomever shot this should be sacked. Very few shots look even as good as most DTV films and each vehicle scene features completely unnecessary rear-projection. Why in the hell does this have to look so awful?

Become a Patron!

We all love babies right? Now what if we replaced babies with 6 year old kids with stunted growth and pasted their heads onto the bodies of little people? No? How about some CGI lip-syncing so they can talk? No? Ok, well how about stuffing a child actor into a bin of soiled undies? Yes, please.

So Baby Geniuses and it's followup are two of the lowest rated movies that have ever existed, despite the overwhelming amount of fake 10/10 reviews on IMDB, it still was a box-office smash. Why? Because people love babies! Babies can do no wrong! Even when they are covered in dookie, murdering bums, imitating John Travolta and keeping the secrets of life to themselves out of selfish dickery!

Become a Patron!

This week on the show we thoroughly review everything important this Halloween with regards to crummy movies. Special guest Tucker comes into the studio and delivers the laughs with his "beardy" style of humor.

We review -

• Pumpkinhead (1988)
• The Gate (1987)
• C.H.U.D. (1984)
• Sometimes They Come Back (1991)
• The Lighthouse (2019)
• Satanic Panic (2019)
• Child's Play (2019)
• The Lodgers (2017)

We write up the reboot of Pumpkinhead; "Pumpkinhead Goes to Sturgess", we solve the homeless heating problems, Tucker bans walls, how to lose a pie-eating contest, washed-up pirate ships, and a special Halloween round of "Pop Quiz, Hotshot".

Become a Patron!

Freddy is back and this time he lulls us to sleep with whale song and LBGTQ social commentary! It begs the ultimate question - does Freddy actually appear in this movie?

Freddy 2 is an absolute bonkers experience and through-out is a complete and utter-turd. At no point does it make sense that it was a commercial success and likely should have destroyed the Freddy franchise (and thus would have prevented the LOTR trilogy from happening) but somehow was a massive win for New Line and kept the doors open for another ten years. I guess that really states to the allure of Mr. K.

Become a Patron!

So it turns out that Peter Frampton sucks - oh you knew that already? The Brothers Gibb surround themselves by people who can't sign and play as well as they do and let everyone else drag them into the depths of garbage. But Barry's hair looks amazing, at least.

Sgt Pepper's on it's face is a "do not do" movie before it even starts - you don't cover The Beatles unless you really are supremely talented, which The Bee Gees completely are, but the problem is that they allowed other people to be involved. You've got George Burns, Steve Martin, Alice Cooper, Peter Nicholas (yeah, who?), Donald Pleasance, Stargard and Frankie Howerd all covering Beatles tracks. Look, only a few people get to do that and none of you are qualified. Stop it! Stop IT!

Become a Patron!

Christopher Lambert dons the worst hair we've ever seen and leads an uprising against the Romans only to ultimately accomplishing nothing and dies off screen. There's nothing good about this film.

Zzzz....Oh I'm sorry. You caught me napping after watching Druids. What did I miss? Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing? Ok. I'll move on to something else.

Become a Patron!

Patrick Swayze says Dalton was a weiner and gifts us the pyschopathic, blood-lusting, and man of the road - Jack Cruise. Along the way Meatloaf delivers his best, but still manages to get Asahi Guy murdered and bankrupts his own villainy scheme before it gets started.

Lets just get this out of the way - Black Dog is fantastic and is one of the few shining examples of perfectly bad in every way. Every bit of it is inept from the music, the casting, the script, the acting, the directing and the editing and has the "it" factor on all those elements for bad movie fans. It's a glorious seam-less mess that you couldn't set out to do such a bad job and have it work so well together. It's stunningly perfect and beautiful and a complete train-wreck.

Become a Patron!

Shabadoo, Boogaloo Shrimp and a cast of break dancers team-up with Golan and Globus, pump out a movie in a handful of months and leave us with one of the most important and culturally infamous bad movies of all time. Hope you like break-dancing!

Let's face it - this movie stinks and rules. There's so little happening but no one notices because it's masked by CONSTANT break dancing. It's wall-to-wall. There might be more more dance/musical numbers in this than Caberet and Chicago and Grease combined. Now that might scare off the casual bad-movie goer who is here for movies staring shirtless men with guns, but don't be afraid - this thing is electric dog-poo on fire.

Become a Patron!

The biggest flop in Hollywood history visits the podcast, eats all our food, backups the sewer system and kidnaps our children and then quietly makes us forget that any of it ever happened. Will it be worse than The Love Guru?

Nope.

Become a Patron!

Banning comes back once again to save the President once again from an assassination attempt where not everything is not as it seems once again. It's the number one movie in America, but is it enough to keep the Banning franchise alive?

Make no mistake, Banning 3's plot statement above is the same as the other two but this film is a departure from the other two. Where the other two are a thin plot stuff around ludicrous action scenes and Banning eating the flesh of his enemies, this one mostly has Banning on the defensive and reacting to the violence around him instead of reveling in it. And while the villain is a complete moron (we'll get to that later) there's nothing really stupid that takes place in Banning's world. Let's put it this way - if there were no Banning 1 and 2, Banning 3 wouldn't be on the podcast. It's just a solid (if forgettable) action movie.

Become a Patron!

The bald bros are back minus the biggest bald bro, so the bald bro stock is down! The 2/3 of the bald bros are forced to team-up to stop Thanos from killing everyone while learning about super-powered villains, love and friendship and forget about family, Vin Diesel and cars.

While there is a myriad of problems with Universal's fingers in their big franchise (of which there is many fingers) the team behind the action do a great job. This film is shot well, very well choreographed, has some genuinely funny cameos (that normally would have sucked ass), and some great film-making contrasting the two leads.

Become a Patron!

All of the truckers team up to drive down the road hauling goods and.... freedom? Let's try that again. A bunch of cops chase a bunch of truckers down the highway because of their flagrant....trucking? Ok, ok, ok. Got it - Truckers Truck!

Seriously the plot of Convoy is one of the most dubious we've ever reviewed. One might argue that about 20 minutes of the movie actually has a plot of outrunning the law who wants to kill a fellow trucker because of abuse of power and racism, but that plot lasts for only a brief period. Within minutes of that plot being put together, the film shifts into Forrest Gump running across the US with people joining him because they think he's got all the answers. At no point, does anyone have a clue why they've joined a mega-convoy of truckers and why anyone cares about them.

Become a Patron!

Well hello, Mary Lou. So good of you to drop in and see me. Wait what are you doing??? Why do you have the powers of all the X-Men combined? Are you like an evil ghost Rogue? How do you work and what is your reason for existence???? Argghghgghghg.....gurgle, gurgle.

The above is a perfect summation of what each character should be asking the spooky-ghost or spooky-demon or spooky-ghost-demon that is Mary Lou, a 1950s prom queen who got burnt up like Freddy and lives in a suitcase for 30 years only to return and enact dubious revenge upon various 80s teenagers whom had nothing to do with her death. Why Mary Lou chooses to do anything she does is beyond us and where she got her spooky-powers is another problem. Lastly, we really can't even begin to decipher the ending in which Mary Lou gets (what the movie tries to tell us) everything she wants, only to pull a Jason and not be dead so that she can take a road-trip with the kiddies.

Become a Patron!

Dolph disguises a buddy-cop movie as an terminator movie. Inside you'll learn that the most deadliest weapon in space are compact discs and all aliens have male-pattern-baldness.

Dark Angel AKA I Come in Peace is absolutely bananas. It's so full of action sequences, explosions, aliens chasing each other, one-liners, and a crazy plot where people's brains are drugs in space. It's riddled with buddy-cop cliches, the new partner that does this by the book, an ex-girlfriend that also works in the same circles, the chief that wants his badge, etc... all while giant alien guys are exploding everything in the city with mega-weapons. It's fantastic.

Become a Patron!

Chuck Norris launches his career by kicking lots of people in the chest and calling in his truckin' buddies to run a town over - yes the entire town. It's about as weird movie as you can get and hilarious throughout. Come on back, big rigger!

Now you can probably guess how much trucking vs. karate there is in the film and how silly the the combo of the two working together looks on screen. So let's go past that and talk solely about the villainy. The plot revolves around this town that has gone off the deep-end and has essentially declared independence from the state of California. Fine. What their deepest flaw is that they have no idea how to be bad guys. Their evil plot is to hijack truckers, steal their tv dinners, eat the tv dinners, crush the $80,000 truck in a crusher, sell the metal for $200, make moonshine, dump the moonshine on the ground, drink Wild Turkey instead and operate their legal system in the same manner as The Spanish Inquisition. There's no way that a band of truckers are going to run your town over - nope, this plan is perfect!....they said as the FBI is swarming them and filling each citizen full of hot lead.

Become a Patron!

The 80's eats far too much pixi-dust and barfs out the worst of it right into our faces. It's Pia Zedora showing off why a millionaire had to pay for her to act and Craig Scheffer giving poopy face for 90 minutes. If you want to make sure you've seen the worst musical, you can't miss this pile of no talent.

The deal with Voyage of the Rock Aliens is that it's a failed project before it even gets started. Originally it was supposed to be more like UHF instead it's more like Grease 2. You've got Pia Zedora attempting to launch her career by dancing like she's in a blender. On the opposite side of the obligatory love relationship is Craig Scheffer (yes Craig Scheffer from Nightbreed and A River Runs Through It) whose entire thing is to lip-sync over Jermaine Jackson and making poopy-face over and over and over and over again.

Become a Patron!

Dolph grabs onto a couple of nukes and uses them to turn his shirt into a sleeveless job. It's The Rock all over again with better acting, better stunts and better action sequences - and it still stinks. 

We won't dig too much into the plot here because it's legit just The Rock within a missile silo. What we want to talk about is the incredible amount of stinker staples delivered. There's no sploding chopper but there's pretty much everything else. Dolph's 1-liners and overflowing from his cup and they are all A+ cheesy goodness. The amount of stunts and the level of production put into these stunts while wrapped around a really close example of the idiot plot is astounding. The production design is a blend of surprising and terrible. The script is bonkers bad. There's a little here for everyone.

Become a Patron!

The toughest of the tough guys teams up with a 15-28 year old kid to take down the entire Black Tiger gang using only every gun from the 80's and sweet guitar riffs. No one can touch this guy - mostly because he's covered in sweat and their hands just slip off.

When it comes to butt movies, Steele Justice is possibly the most butt. Imagine every 80's tough guy staple and you've got it here. Epic guitar riff score, training montages, sweaty chest hair, perms, headbands, pastel sweaters, cut-off sleeves, big guns, atrocious dialogue and just being generally butt to everyone around you. Martin Kove has got "it" if "it" is super-butt.

Become a Patron!

Once again, the 80s/90s rom-com genre falls into that horrible disgusting trap of "if you think about this very much you'll want to wash your eyes out with soap" because very unforgivable things happen to the people around the main characters. Both of the people on the cover belong in jail.

There is a serious warning content-wise here but this needs to be said - Love Potion No. 9 is about 1 thing - rape. It steers very clear of the song where it turns the drinker into a raging boner, this love potion causes anyone of the opposite sex to become a mindless zombie and you can make them do whatever you want. So what do the leads do? Well Paul (Tate Donovan) rapes an entire sorority and Diane (Sandra Bullock) makes the Prince of England propose to her forever changing the landscape of the British Monarchy. Wow, what charming, awesome, quirky people? No! Both belong in prison.