The Beastmaster

Let the ferrets fly and the tigers die as Jeff and Tucker from If We Made It podcast show up to help us try to make sense of The Beastmaster. Does PETA show up to put a stop to the madness? Does Tanya Roberts save the movie by letting the ladies out? Does anyone get 'sploded? (Spoiler alerts - no, yes, yes - respectively)

This movie is completely nuts. Its a complete knockoff of Conan, but so wild in every way, it stands on its own. Beastmaster has some pretty vague powers, villians have pretty vague motivations and relationships, minions wear helmets that don't allow them to see anything, bat-people may or may not make soup, and people disappear randomly for much of the movie. It's great.

How this film didn't get shut down with animal cruelty is a pretty big mystery. Most people know that the tiger that was painted black to become a panther died, but the incredible feat is how many ferrets must have been murdered. They fly across the screen all the time; they had to have hired a guy just to toss ferrets. Another falls to his death, another drowns, god knows how many were eaten by the eagle. 

Really this film has all the things you want in a bad sword and sandal film. In fact, it may be more fun than Deathstalker. Its just one scene after another that can be stand alone discussions in ridiculousness. From the start with the butter-face witches to the Dar's training to Tanya Roberts incredible knockers, to child sacrifice rescue dummy to the biggest explosion ever caught on film. Whatever "it" is, this film has "it." Fantastic bad movie.

Individual Ratings:

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Cheesy effects:
Horrendous acting:
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Ridiculous stunts:
Gratuitous nudity:
Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

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Bad Movie Quality: