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Top Gun

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Ok, you know what happens in this film. You've seen it at least twice and then have it crammed down your throat anytime you watch anything about 80's pop culture. But ask yourself this: what is Top Gun actually about?

Look, this movie is thing because of two reasons: Kenny Loggins and Tony Scott shot the hell out of it. If you remove those two things (or just the Tony Scott aesthetic) you've got Navy Seals again. Think of the world we could have had if Tony Scott sucked at cinematography. Tom Cruises doesn't become a huge deal, Scientology disappears and we never get The Mummy. Sure, Desert Storm might have lasted a few months longer but seriously Val Kilmer might still be funny and Katie Holmes life would have had less oppression/slavery in it.

Why? Because this thing is devoid of content. Its Megaforce levels of nothing happening. Yes jets fly around and people have hang down contests with undeclared winners but absolutely nothing happens. When you're more invested in the story of Iron Eagle, you've got a film that isn't exactly Shakespeare. The closest you could come to a story is that a boy with daddy issues shows off his daddy issues. That's not a plot!

If you can get past the lack of plot, you might be left asking, "Well what does this movie say about anything?" Here's where things get interesting. I can't help but think Top Gun despite being a cultural phenomenon, was a catalyst to changing the tone to America's foreign policy and military agenda (until 2016 to 2020) - it wasn't a good strategy to use Vietnam era dickheadery anymore. You couldn't just stick jack-asses in planes and point them in a direction and say "blow up whatever's over there". We learned we actually needed people with objectives and ideas and skills and not morons with phallic obsessions in charge. Trump arguably won because his voters were forced to watch this on loop Clockwork Orange style. That's possibly the best theory of what happened in 2016 (its better than "economic anxiety"). So you're gonna have to decide for yourself if the world would be a better place without Top Gun. Seriously, funny Val Kilmer....

Well, I'll get off my soap box. Top Gun sucks and I hate it.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:2-star
Horrendous acting:3-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:2-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:4-star
Nonsensical Plot:4-star
Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 4-star
Bad Movie Quality:4-star

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Iron Eagle

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Friday, 24 September 2021

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