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Slender Man

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A faceless board-room guy (probably the one that fired James Gunn) is also a tree-man, octopus, tarantula with very dubious motivations, but likely he's actually the ghost of Chalton Heston, arboriculturist.

Slender Man the movie was doomed before it came out the gate. There is no way to pay this much fan service to the original creepy-pasta while trying to make a sensical story. Once you put Slender Man into an environment that must have some sort of back-story and character motivations and that old bummer, the Protagonist/Antagonist diatribe you've got no choice but to make your new horror icon look about as clever as the bird in the desk of The Wicker Man.

The lighting is atrocious, the acting is middling, the writing is gadawful, and even the cat-stings are failed. It's like if someone hired the Asylum to helm their franchise hopeful. Yet beyond all that, there is some truly hilarious parts. There's a handful of lines that are so horrendously out-of-reality and out of place that you can be "that one guy" in the theater. Mash that up with two of the most hilarious "horror editing" (think The Ring) decisions and you have a great bad-movie.....almost.

While there is a smattering of hilarity sprinkled throughout, Slender Man is just this side of fun. There's far too much loose dialogue and wandering around being annoyingly moronic to put this into a "do" category. Expect it to rear its head when it comes time for the Stinker Madness Achievements in Bad Film-Making Award (SMABFA) awards. If you can manage to sneak into a very empty (I mean you, and two other people) and can riff this one out-loud you might be in for a good time.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:3-star
Horrendous acting:2-star
Ridiculous stunts:0-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 2-star
Bad Movie Quality:4-star

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Saturday, 24 February 2024

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