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Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

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When corporations that can't exist go to far, they anger Mother Nature. Her herald of corporate oversight, a 100 foot dinosaur shark and sexual innuendos! Can it possibly be the worst shark movie ever made?

Shark Attack 3 is next to Troll 2 in the ensemble of horrible acting. Everyone stinks. Even Captain Jack Harness who has seen a splash of success can't get a line right without the audience giggling. His counterpart, Dr. Science Lips, is especially horrendous and only is defeated by the daughter in said Troll 2 in the can't act department. Show up for the bad acting, stay for the banana's shark.

Then there's the shark. It should be noted that the main shark doesn't show up for quite a chunk of the film. Yet, when it does...boy howdy! If I described the megaladon's battle strategy, it wouldn't do it justice in righting. You have to see it to believe it, which can't be believed.

Unfortunately for Shark Attack 3, there is just too many pieces of the film that take too long and nothing happens. It's pretty easy to fall asleep with the extended shots of people standing around looking for the shark. If it wasn't for the snooze sequences, this thing would be electric shit on fire. However, its too few and far between of anything happening that it just isn't that great. Still a do from us though.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:4-star
Horrendous acting:5-star
Ridiculous stunts:1-star
Gratuitous nudity:4-star
Memorable one-liners:3-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:6-star

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

About Shark Attack 3: Megalodon - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, not to be confused with recent release 3 Headed Shark Attack, is our first film to be popularized virally by meme. Sure, there have been some other films we have done that have entered memograhpy ( if that is a thing) but this film was mostly unknown before clips of containing it’s dubious special effects and strange writing surfaced on the internet.

The film was directed by Cinematographer and Director David Worth. This is supposedly his most entertaining effort from the director’s chair. Of his other directorial efforts, I found Warriors of the Lost World mostly enjoyable but contend that Kickboxer is the most milk toast of the early Van Damme pictures.

The film’s relation to the rest of the series seems to only be the word Shark in the title. Actress Jenny McShane returns to the series to play a different character than she played in the first film, supporting the previous sentence. John Barrowman will star in this little disaster. The Whovians or Whosters (though I think that Whosiers would have been the best moniker) will of course know Barrowman as Captain Jack Harkness, the omnisexual time traveler who’s (no pun intended #SadFace) popularity was such that he received his own spinoff Torchwood. I’ll be honest there isn’t a lot of information on this movie out there so I am going to fill this blog entry with my inability to pass up opportunities to piss people off; in this case, those who should have been known as Whosiers and those who are oversensitive to the point of turning popular lexicon into a murky tub of ideological diarrhea. Time travel is confusing enough without omnisexuality thrown into the mix. Sorting through the timelines is already like a rubik's cube for the color blind, but now we have to worry about who (goddam puns) the guy driving wants to have sex with. I suppose it starts out because Jack is a bisexual. Jack goes to a party and realizes that he wants to have sex with Phil and Rosie, maybe at the same time, maybe individually, that part doesn’t require sensitivity specific terminology. All of the sudden Clara Belle, who is of course transsexual, becomes very offended when discovering the nature of Jack’s sexuality. Jack realizes his existential fallacy and assures Clara Belle that he would certainly have sex with whichever gender he or she Identifies with. So Jack is now polysexual. Unfortunately Dr. Robutina is now crying in the corner. Beyond being a medical doctor, Robutina is also an androgynous cyborg who is dressed as a fuzzy bear that is subsequently dressed as a sexy nurse – one who is feeling left out. So Jack is now Pansexual and the tears have dried. This is about when the party environment is perfect but then Jack starts having sex with the pimento loaf. As it turns out Jack is omnisexual and there go the snacks.

Con Air
Fate of the Furious

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Monday, 26 February 2024

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