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Pet Sematary

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"Don't do down that path, yah", the strange drunk man with dubious ambitions said to the new residents. Later he would take them on a wondrous adventure to bury a kitty-cat that he himself murdered. It was the strangest thing that week until the dead son came back as Little Lord Fauntleroy with super-powers.

Pet Sematary is just another in a long line of Stephen King movies that raked in the cash but not one theater attendee bothered to pay attention to what was happening on screen. The entire plot is bananas (and falls squarely into "the idiot plot") but that's the least biggest draw for fans of our show. It's all the elements around the plot, ie. the truckers who are clearly trying to break speed records, the undead cat that is just like any other cat, Gage acquiring super-powers upon being reanimated and that the family never asks "Who the hell is this Judd Crandall guy anyways?"

It's a beautiful disaster and truly pushes the boundaries of bad movie laugh-ability with horrific tragedy. I mean, think about it. You are laughing at a child getting ran over - the worst possible thing that could ever happen. Yet the movie is so bad and the production is so crap that you are laughing.... during the worst thing ever. That is one hell of an achievement in bad film-making. Hell even Tommy Wiseau didn't do that.

Brain ghosts, strange accents, random maid suicide, magical beaver dams, open areas that echo with magic briefly, funeral fist-fights, The Ramones, evil dead babies who like "Puttin' on the Ritz" and zombies who just knock over things. This is a top-tier stinker.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:3-star
Horrendous acting:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:1-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:8-star

Streaming Do's and Don'ts

About Pet Sematary - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Stephen King was quoted as saying the only thing he ever wrote that scared him was Pet Sematary. Hopefully it was scarier than the movie. Three weeks ago, when Jackie picked Sleepwalkers it was noted that it was at least mostly an original screenplay by King and if there was a movie that King deserved the “film by” credit for, it would be Sleepwalkers. Pet Sematary will be a close second. King wrote the adaptation himself and was on the set daily. Thus far when Stephen King, master of horror, wields his full influence over the process of filmmaking the result is a silly cat picture. Every Thanksgiving is Cat Thanksgiving at the King homestead.

The story of Pet Sematary has roots in the hard truth. Kings daughter had a cat named Smuckey who was actually killed on the road in Maine. This may or may not also prove the existence of the North Maine Race Trucking Alliance. Smuckey gets a shout out in the opening shots of the cemetery rather than the King family raising evil Smuckey from the grave, the truth and fiction diverge at that point. Winston Churchill did rise from the grave when he found out his name was being soiled by this picture. It is rumored that after a lengthy undead pond hop, he arrived in north Maine slightly tired, but still punched Stephen King right in the nuts.

Music video veteran Mary Lambert would be chosen to direct after George Romero departed. Romero had bought the rights and held them for nearly 10 years before releasing the rights and instead adapting and directing Monkey Shines. If I was to guess why Romero eventually gave up, I would guess it would have something to do with King not really relinquishing control of the project. Since Romero is dead the only way to find out is to put him in the Native American burial site and when he comes back to life evil, he B-lines toward King, then we’ll all know the truth.

There are two stories involving The Ramones recording the fan reviled track Pet Sematary for this production. The first is that Mary Lambert asked them to and they did. That is the boring version. The version I would like to be true is the one where The Ramones are at Stephen King's house after a New England show. King gifts Joey Ramone a signed copy of Pet Sematary. At this point, Joey retreats to King’s basement while everyone else continues having a nice visit. After some time Joey emerges from the basement with a hand written version of Pet Sematary. The second version sounds more fun. If I had a version, it would be the second one but at the end several of King’s cats would high five each other.

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Saturday, 24 February 2024

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