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Conan the Destroyer

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Grace Jones shows up as not Red Sonja in one of the most loathed films from both Schwaz and the beloved Swords and Sorcery genre. I blame Dino....again.

Is it worth $4 to watch this movie? You’ll have to make it to the end of the podcast for that full evaluation. Is it worth watching if you already have access to it? Yes. This was one of my most hated films. For years I’ve called it Conan the Babysitter.

Against the first film, it certainly is but when removed from the “Barbarian” and gauged on it’s own, this stinker is worth a run. It also maintains our current theme of MPAA headscratchers. What says PG? A 14 year old in lingerie? Grace Jones’ whole butt? Bloody decapitations? I would say none of these things should be in a PG film. This one has all of that plus; wizard battles, lame pro wrestling, Schwaz noises galore and Sarah Douglas lusting after a statue. 

Though a thorough failure to hold even half the weight of its predecessor, it may be so influential that the Zach Snyder's Justice League is essentially a carbon copy stretched to 4 hours with the edition of glam shots and slow motion. You get a bunch of Lord of the Rings-esque walking around, a glass wizard in a glass house tossing stones at himself, cavemen losing their heads, Sven Ole Thorson rising from the dead, Wilt the Stilt’s acting prowess, bad animation, worse rear projection, young Schwaz in a position of elder statesman of acting and a fucking sea monster. 

I guess the idea is, if you are the one who awakens the demon god of world destruction, he not only doesn’t kill you but bangs the hell out of you (just the way you like it). This is hoping he isn’t a crappy sea monster who can be defeated by a stacked guy in his underwear, a pop star and the guy from Repo Man. If your demon god of world destruction and banging is a crappy sea monster, said folks will kill the shit out of you and him, then take all your stuff. They’ve been doing it a while and are pretty good at it. 

Don’t get us wrong, this isn’t a classic stinker, but it is a pretty good time. It rolls along with minimal drowsiness, has action that is all dumb and even mostly avoids anti-climax. 

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:4-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Nonsensical Plot:2-star


Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 2-star
Bad Movie Quality:6-star

Dangerous Men

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Friday, 18 June 2021

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