Battleship

When you are completely out of original ideas and need to have your own extended universe (because the other guy's have one), just take whatever licensed property you have and make a movie about it. Don't worry about whether the movie is a good idea or not, or if people will even care. Just make it. Worry 'bout all that stuff later. 

WRONG!

Battleship is arguably one of the worst decisions made by men is ties. Deciding to make a movie based off one of the most boring board games (the kind that makes you quite playing all board games) and THEN chuck $200 million at it, will not pay off. 

With the stupid concept aside, Battleship is really poorly done. The plot is awful, the motivations are awful and the acting is especially terrible. The lead (Tayler Kitsch) is not only a terrible character but he can't get a line right. Then you've got all the non-actors surrounding them that make Rihanna look like she's Meryl Streep.

Beyond that the primary problem with Battleship is that the front-end is atrociously un-entertaining. The entire first half of this film is just establishing how much of a butthole that Tayler Kitsch's character is. Seriously. The aliens that do battle with ships, don't show up on Earth until minute 54! Minute Freaking 54! Then the game of Battleship doesn't even begin until 1 hour and 30 minutes! Blech.

So with that, the last 45 minutes is a lot of fun and if the film had just been that stuff, we might have really enjoyed this film. Yet, unfortunately, that is not the case - the front half ruins this film completely and we have to give it a very tough - do not.

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About Battleship - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Who?
Taylor Kitsch
Wha?
He’s the guy who played John Carter.
Who’s John Carter?
Taylor Kitsch
And he is?
The guy from X Men Origins: Wolverine.
That was a movie?
Yes.
And his last name means crap?
Yes, in the world of art anyway.
He plays Battleship?
No, he fights aliens.
So there are no battleships?
He fights the aliens using a battleship.
So they are just immigrants and not space aliens?
No, they are space aliens.
So the space aliens are prone to boat attacks?
Yes.
This sounds like a Bonnie Tyler music video.
Actually it has Rihanna in it.
Oh, well I’m in then.

The preceding was how pretty much every conversation about this movie goes, every time. In 2008 Hasbro decided it needed a films division after the success of the Michael Bay Transformers film. They were able to secure a sweetheart of a deal with Universal, where Universal would have to buy itself out from under the contract with Hasbro if things looked grim, and they ultimately did. Universal paid Hasbro an undisclosed sum to release itself from contractual obligations after producing this film and Ouija. Unproduced films at that point were, Clue – which did work out once – Candy Land, Magic The Gathering, Monopoly and Stretch Armstrong – the toy from the 70’s that no one remembers. After the Universal deal imploded, Hungry Hungry Hippos and Action Man were added to the list of Hasbro’s desired films. If you don’t remember Action Man it is due to his short lived popularity starting in 1966. Sometimes you can’t make a movie out of it. What the fuck would Hungry Hungry Hippos even be about? The nut sacks are still trying to fuck up their sure-thing toy sales and television divisions to this day as recently they bought a writers room to join the properties into an expanded universe. Be ready as they have already given seed money to Adam Sandler for Candy Land. Maybe there will be an Easter egg where post credits Action man rides in on the Hungry Hungry Hippos, drunk and gives Ms. Scarlet a full palm butt squeeze, whereupon Mrs. Peacock freshens up his drink; because she knows in 1966 a full palm butt lock means “bring me another scotch”.

Somehow Battleship wasn’t a box office block buster. How the game that gets boring once you’re 8 didn’t kill it at the box office remains a mystery to this day. The solid and trackable returns on this film seem to top out at a $60 million domestic box office and a $30 million home video release against a very soft figure of $220 million for the budget.

The film was directed by Hollywood and Television stalwart Peter Berg, who would successfully rebound with Lone Survivor and Deep Water Horizon. Beyond Kitsch and Rihanna, the film also stars Alexander Skarsgard, Brooklyn Decker, Tadanobu Asano, Liam Neeson and Peter MacNicol – and aliens in space boats.

KAEOF: Do the filmmakers know the rules to soccer?