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Alien Resurrection

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Horny scientists in space! Everything in this movie is gross sex! Everyone has messy pants including the aliens! Ever wanted to see a xenomorphs vagina? You can now! What a pitch...

Essentially, scientists want to cure disease and they think that making a human/xenomorph combo will give them the answers which has its own set of problems. BUT, instead they make some regular xenomorphs too and some Ripley abominations who tear apart a handful of scientists and Michael Wincott too early in the film. This results in the science vessel automatically crashing into the Earth at the speed of 176 million MPH causing an extinction level event and ushering in a nuclear holocaust. Thanks Ripley!

While all this shakes out, we follow the path of a group of space pirates from the mess hall back to their ship. Occasionally they have to escape xenomorphs, but mostly they have hang down contests with Ripley having the biggest of hang downs. Ron Perlman's "Johner" tries his best but has met his match in big dicking by the lady that is part alien and can now dunk it. Winona Ryder's "Call" eyeball rolls behind them, thinking about her sole mission of destroying all xenomorphs and anyone who stands in her way....until she meets a guy SHE helped kidnap who has one inside of him. She's ok with him. Not just ok, vehemently defends saving his life. What?!?!

This thing is one of the dumbest movies and likely in the top 3 of film in the dumbest period of film - the late 90s. When every Tom, Dick and Harry were trying to recreate Jurassic Park and Independence Day, you ended up with this turd, Deep Blue Sea and Event Horizon, with a cavalcade of less notable but equally stupids behind it. Yet Alien Resurrection manages to be as stupid as they come, but then an odd mix of tedium with flashes of moronic hilarity. Its a hard one to recommend but its just so incredibly idiotic that its hard NOT to recommend. Men have trekked to Nepal and sat in silence for decades for lesser doubts and confusion than the quandary of recommending Alien Resurrection or not. I guess you should watch it but realize the film doesn't start until 35 minutes into the movie and then there's about 20 minutes of actual good content throughout.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:2-star
Cheesy effects:4-star
Horrendous acting:3-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:2-star
Gratuitous nudity:1-star
Memorable one-liners:3-star
Nonsensical Plot:5-star

Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:6-star

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Sunday, 26 June 2022

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