The Official Streaming Movies Do's and Don'ts (Netflix and Amazon Prime)

The Devil's 8

A federal agent rounds up eight convicts to help fight a vicious moonshine gang.

Heavily recommended to us by a good source, but a disappointment to us. Boring, confusing, and weird as hell. But the theme song at the end that explains the plot is pretty awesome. A perfect RiffTrax option.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

A powerful cosmic force is turning Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually.

Totally weird and a complete cut & paste of 70's b-movies. William Smith is awesome. There's tons of boobs. And it's REALLY silly. And yes they are made of bees.

Friday the 13th 7: The New Blood

 Years after Tommy Jarvis chained him underwater at Camp Crystal Lake, Jason Voorhees returns to the camp grounds when he is accidentally released from his prison by a teenager with psychic powers.

It's not the best Friday the 13th movie but we all really thought it was fun enough for a view or a revisit. Maybe the 2nd best Friday the 13th movie.

Return to Horror High

A few years ago, a mysterious serial-killer caused panic on Crippen High School. The killer was never caught. A movie company, Cosmic Pictures, has decided to make a feature movie about these events - on location, at the now abandoned school. Since members of cast and crew disappear without a trace, it seems as if history is repeating itself...

The plot can be hard to follow and there are loose ends but Jackie thought this was a classic horror movie and a lot of fun....Justin was just confused. 

Dead in Tombstone

A gang overruns a small mining town murdering their own leader Guerrero (Trejo) in a cold-blooded power grab. Sentenced to eternity in hell he finds himself confronted by Satan himself (Rourke), offering a daring proposition: deliver the six souls of his former gang and he will escape damnation. With time running out, he sets out on a brutal rampage to avenge his own death.

Nothing says the old west like the Devil and slow motion action shots and some non-action shots, to make the film longer. 

The Serpent and the Rainbow

An anthropologist goes to Haiti after hearing rumors about a drug used by black magic practitioners to turn people into zombies.

It's ok...there's a lot of silly business. It really takes itself seriously but it kinda falls a little flat here and there. One might say though that it is a very "efficient" movie. Just don't expect wild times.

Night of the Creeps

Alien brain parasites, entering humans through the mouth, turn their host into a killing zombie. Some teenagers start to fight against them.

Rusty (from National Lampoon's European Vacation) has his buddy get ate by leeches and then zombified. The humor is excellent, the gore is great. It's just your typical 80's comedy/horror and it works. Thrill me!

After Midnight

Horror anthology about a college professor (Zada) teaching a course called "The Psychology of Fear". He brings his students (including psychic McWhirter) to his home, one dark and stormy night to tell scary stories. The first involves a young couple whose car breaks down by an old, abandoned house. The second has four trendy teenage girls getting lost in a bad part of town, and chased by a pack of vicious dogs. Last, we have Helgenberger confronting a stalker at the answering service where she works the night shift.

Normally, we like anthology movies as they are usually silly and don't take themselves too seriously. This is not one of those types. Sam and Justin did not enjoy it in the least. Jackie loses her mind and likes this film.

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XXX - State of the Union

Darius Stone, a new agent in the XXX program, is sent to Washington, DC to defuse a power struggle amongst national leaders.

If you're like anybody else and want Ice Cube to just stick with crappy family movies, you'll want to avoid this crapper. Ice Cube will suck out your will-power to continue living.

Escape from New York

In 1997, when the US President crashes into Manhattan, now a giant max. security prison, a convicted bank robber is sent in for a rescue.

A cast of thousands plus John Carpenter. I can see alot of boos about this being on the list, but it is a stinker. Bullets never run out and cars explode perfectly in half. Slow paced and dark (not in theme, literally dark)

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?

Jerry falls in love with a stripper he meets at a carnival. Little does he know that she is the sister of a gypsy fortune teller whose predictions he had scoffed at earlier. The gypsy turns him into a zombie and he goes on a killing spree.

Jackie and Justin cheat and watch this via MST3K, which is the only way you should do this, unless you are trying to complete the tour of worse movies made. However, it is NOT near as bad as Plan Nine From Outer Space and Monster-a-go-go.

Beneath The Planet of the Apes

The sole survivor of an interplanetary rescue mission searches for the only survivor of the previous expedition. He discovers a planet ruled by apes and an underground city run by telepathic humans.

So for 3/4 of this movie, it's just Planet of the Apes with a guy who is NOT Charlton Heston. But at the end, there's a very weird twist but by that point you just no longer give a crap.

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Deathstalker

The warrior Deathstalker is tasked by an old witch lady to obtain and unite the three powers of creation - a chalice, an amulet, and a sword - lest the evil magician Munkar get them and use them for nefarious purposes. After obtaining the sword, Deathstalker joins with other travellers going to the Big Tournament to determine the strongest warrior. The false king holds the true princess in captivity, and plots to have Deathstalker killed, and Deathstalker must fight to free the princess.

One of the best of the swords and sandals boobie genre. Female mudwrestling, pig-faced muscle mans, ape-drapes, wizards and boobies...lots and lots of boobies. Lana Clarkson doesn't even bother with a shirt throughout the whole movie.

3/3

Left Behind

The Biblical prophecy of Armegeddon begins when the Rapture instantly takes all believers in Christ from the Earth. A reporter left behind learns that the Anti-Christ will soon take power.

Really we aren't religious people so take our opinions for what you will. But really the only thing Left Behind gives us is the theological question of "When the rapture comes, what happens if you are pooping? Is your poop part of you? Or does it get Left Behind?"

0/3

Machete Kills

The U.S. government recruits Machete to battle his way through Mexico in order to take down an arms dealer who looks to launch a weapon into space.

While we all didn't like it as much as the first one, Machete Kills is still a total do and completely out of control. We really don't understand how the people that saw the first one also didn't see the second one. It makes no sense. See this movie now.

3/3

Savage Island

Women who have been captured and sold as slave labor to a South American emerald mine hatch a plan for revolution and revenge.

While the cover art is seriously awesome and super tempting, this hodge-podge of several films will just make you angry. Despite the "tsunami of tits", Linda Blair stays clothed the entire time. Better to spend your time watching a different women in prison movie like:

• The Women in Cages Collection: The Big Bird Cage / The Big Doll House / Women in Cages
• Jackson County Jail / Caged Heat

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The Three Musketeers

A young swordsman comes to Paris and faces villains, romance, adventure and intrigue with three Musketeer friends.

After Sam's constant barrage of Three Musketeers movies, we finally found one that Justin likes. This is the very best Musketeers movie there is - hands down.

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Gor

American professor Tarl Cabot is transported via a magical ring to planet Gor, where he must help an oppressed country overthrow its evil king and his barbarian henchmen.

Dreadfully boring. Dreadfully stupid. Better just stick with the books or better yet - just watch John Carter.

Black Moon Rising

A professional thief is hired by the FBI to steal a data tape from a company under investigation. The analysis of this tape, will prove the criminal activities of this company. As this thief is discovered in his attempt, he hides the tape inside a prototype car, but unfortunately there is someone else interested in this vehicle.

Justin was dreadfully disappointed with this one as it came highly recommended from some guys from a certain car enthusiasm podcast. But really it's just a waste of time. However, there is one pretty ridiculous stunt so if you really like Tommie Lee Jones then maybe give this a go. Actually just watch Lonesome Dove again.

Maximum Conviction

When former black ops operative Cross (Seagal) and his partner Manning (Austin) are assigned to decommission an old prison, they must oversee the arrival of two mysterious female prisoners. Before long, an elite force of mercenaries assault the prison in search of the new arrivals. As the true identities of the women are revealed, Cross realizes he's caught in the middle of something far bigger than he had imagined.

Probably the best thing Seagal has done in the last 10 years (excluding Machette). None of it makes sense and of course high-quality slap-fighting. Stone Cold Steve Austin was horrible and it was great. Probably the best performance from a wrestler since No Holds Barred.

Mask of Death

While attempting to flee from the FBI, the criminal Frank Dallio kills Detective McKenna's wife, Rachel. McKenna himself is shot in the face by the professional killer Lyle Mason, who dies in a car crash shortly thereafter. The FBI persuades McKenna to undergo facial surgery and take the place of Lyle Mason in order to find Dallio and a valuable microchip.

This one starts out hot as Lorenzo Lamas may be wearing the silliest makeup ever so that he can later get his face surgeried so he can be the bad guy. It's Lamas times two and Jackie thought they were different people. However, the silly got dialed down pretty early and it just got too dry. There is no single person in this movie that is a good guy though. Which is interesting...sorta.

Bounty Hunters

Jersey Bellini is a bounty hunter who forms an uneasy partnership with a rival to capture a fugitive. But the hunters soon discover that the crook is also the man the mob most wants dead! Ready to battle anyone in their way, these hard-hitting Bounty Hunters won't quit until they've brought in their man... and brought down the mob!

In theory, these two movies should be completely terrible and unviewable but there is something so endearing to them that you can't help but love them. Ridiculous action, Michael Dudikoff being Dudikoff and crazy amounts of cheese. Do these back to back.

Hardball / Bounty Hunters 2

JERSEY BELLINI and his girlfriend B.B. are in the kind of business that can really strain a relationship. They're "fugitive recovery agents" - bounty hunters.

Well now they are married (or something) but they can't stop kicking ass. Just as much fun as the first one. Watch these back to back now.