Madonna and Sean Penn take a romantic honeymoon for their doomed marriage by filming a doomed movie. Imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark without any adventure and Romancing the Stone without any romance.
Now if one can come up with the plot thesis of this one, I'll give them a trophy. None of it makes a lick of sense. Character's motivations are dubious. Everyone's end game is devoid of existence. The best hypothesis we could make about this films plot doesn't work by the film's own rules. It's unfathomable.
Sean Penn and Madonna were a good match. They both stink at acting. It's obvious that Madonna is terrible but hey guess what! Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn stinks just as bad. Don't misjudge me, that Mystic River is damn fine, but how this guy got a role after Shanghai Surprise is...well...a surprise.
Welcome to Con Air, your number one airlines if you are super butt. Like Nickelback? You'll love Con Air. Like penis measuring? Con Air is your favorite. Think Jerry Bruckheimer is a good producer, kiss our collective ass. This movie sucks.
The movie is about the impossible. Going to prison for a crime that you wouldn't get charged with, Cage's Alabama accent, his hair, the concept of the prison plane, Colm Meaney having a job, and the lack of geographical understanding. None of it works. The villain's plan doesn't make a lick of sense and the "good" guys plans don't help. Even Nic Cage's "Cameron Poe" breaks his own rules for the sake of "action".
So we're big action fans. Does this movie have good action? Nope. Too much slow motion and shirtless guys trying to look cool. Does it have a lot of action? Nope. There's a disparaging lack of anything happening in this film. This is supposed to be a "roller-coaster ride". I remember roller-coasters being exciting for the entire time. This really only has two 10 minute actions sequences which amounts to 17% of the movie. If you went on a roller-coaster that only got up to speed 17% of the time, you probably wouldn't be thrilled.
When corporations that can't exist go to far, they anger Mother Nature. Her herald of corporate oversight, a 100 foot dinosaur shark and sexual innuendos! Can it possibly be the worst shark movie ever made?
Shark Attack 3 is next to Troll 2 in the ensemble of horrible acting. Everyone stinks. Even Captain Jack Harness who has seen a splash of success can't get a line right without the audience giggling. His counterpart, Dr. Science Lips, is especially horrendous and only is defeated by the daughter in said Troll 2 in the can't act department. Show up for the bad acting, stay for the banana's shark.
Then there's the shark. It should be noted that the main shark doesn't show up for quite a chunk of the film. Yet, when it does...boy howdy! If I described the megaladon's battle strategy, it wouldn't do it justice in righting. You have to see it to believe it, which can't be believed.
Dom and the gang are back to wow theater audiences with "Over the Top: The Franchise" and doesn't disappoint in the bonkers business department. Everything is more, more, MORE!!!
Let's put it this way. One member of the show risked peeing her pants because she couldn't miss a second of this film. One member jumped out of his seat and just said, "Fuck....." I was personally jumping up and down in my seat with glee. There's no excuse for the low reviews of this film...except for the main reason for the low reviews of this film....it's really stupid. The entire plot is so dumb, Dom is ridiculous, the action is insanely ridiculous.
But here's the deal. ALL these films are that way. ALL of them. Yet you review them like their frickin' Grapes of Wrath! You loved 6 and 7, yet you have no love for this one, which is JUST the goddamn same! It's more of the same and that's what we wanted. You can't hate on this one without hating on all the others because your beefs apply to all of them. Quite being assholes! (I'm looking at you Matt Singer)
Its our third year anniversary and we are cranking out another episode where we recap the best bad movies we've seen in the last year. So happy anniversary to us and we look forward to another year of fine film choosing. This episode we each countdown our 4-1 picks, as well as our favorite movies of 2016.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsCry Wilderness - MST3K Season 12 - Netflix
Its our third year anniversary and we are cranking out another episode where we recap the best bad movies we've seen in the last year. So happy anniversary to us and we look forward to another year of fine film choosing. This episode we each countdown our 10-5 picks.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsReptilicus - MST3K Season 12 - Netflix
Its one of the worst box office flops that has ever existed and there's a reason for that. This movie stinks! But take some bad acting, bad action, terrible dialogue, and add in the "idiot plot" and you've got a great time ahead. Yo-ho, me scalped hardys!
Let's get the most common complaint about this film - Geena Davis as action lady. Sure, she stinks. She's got no action ability and looks horrendously awful on screen. Her movements aren't fluid and come at you at about the pace of a turtle. Her action is lumpy. There's just no other word, lumpy. She can't get a line right either.
But here's the deal...she didn't have a lot to work with here. The script is unbelievable. It's filled with cheesy one-liners, more than we've ever come across. It has more terrible one-liners than any Chuck Norris movie. Honestly. Then there's her (at the time) husband's direction. Michael Bay can do a better and more believable job. The action is so poorly put together and each shot has at least one glaring flaw in it.
In our FINAL Prelude episode (that's right, you heard it), we pull out all the stops for Cutthroat Island. It's known to be one of the biggest flops of cinema history and a career-ender for everyone involved except for the director who is at fault more than anyone.
The Wild Card from Justin - Pop Quiz, Hotshot (Pirate Edition)Q. Pirates pierced their ears, not to look cool. Why?A. Believed precious gems in their ears improved one's eyesight.Q. Why did pirates wear eye patches?A. To always have one eye adjusted to darkness to fight below deck in darkQ. Women pirates! Name one.A. Anne Bonny stole the REvenge with Jack Rackham and pirated until it was captured. Mary Read partnered with Anne Bonny Sayyida al Hurra ruled mediterreanean in early 1500s Jeanne-Louise de Belleville led three black with red sail ships called the BLack Fleet taking revenge against King Philip VI for killing her husband. Ching Shih captured by pirates in 1801, then married their captain. When he died she took over the fleet of over 300 junks and 40,000 men. Chinese navy lost 63 ships to them.Q. What was a pirates most popular form of crew punishment?A. Keelhauling - getting tied to the ship and dragged under, getting your skin torn off AND/OR drowning. Whhheeeee!!!Q. Describe the most deadliest of pirate flags?A. Red background with an hourglass on it. Meant give no quarter.The Wild Card from Sam - The Great Superpower DebateThe Magneto of Food or Mind Chef - 7/10 stars (with a caveat of Jackie just being grumpy, this is a 10/10 if there ever was one)The Wild Card from Jackie - Would You Rather?Be stabbed the Last Unicorn or eaten by Clifford the Big Red DogDrowning via Loch Ness Monster or Drawn and Quartered by SasquatchNot worth going over.....About Cutthroat Island - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
When it comes to pirate movies, I like my swashbuckling hot and my pirates and pirate ladies hotter. People who wear leather and don’t take baths, covered in sea salt and bird shit. Wait that’s real pirates, who were most certainly gross. Movie pirates though, they have the hots all over. Jon Depp, Orlando Bloom, Matthew Modine… Wait Modine? Really? Do you want a pirate or a middle aged father who doesn’t understand his teenagers?
How exactly does this casting faux pas come about? Well, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Liam Neeson, Jeff Bridges, Ralph Fiennes, Charlie Sheen, Michael Keaton, Tim Robbins, Daniel Day Lewis and Gabriel Byrne all said no. Michael Douglas said yes, but his list of demands read like a Tolstoy novel so they brought in Modine. This is, to me anyway, a clear Christopher Lambert situation. Sure he can’t see a fucking thing, he cares too much and I am willing to bet that he is a close talker, but I would believe he was a pirate. You put pirate clothes on Modine and you have a middle school teacher on Halloween.
It's one of the crappiest movies ever to have such vast success. Thanks teenage girls. This movie is a whole lot of visual pain and my brain hurts from knowing how stupid it is. Get ready for some real crummy science!
The science....just one time open a book. Just once! So many explosions in space. So much NASA looking completely stupid. Ugh. Moving on...
Despite how bad the science is, it's really the most forgivable part of this turd. This film suffers from "The Idiot Plot", in which the plot of the movie can only exist if everyone in the story is a complete and total moron. NASA makes the big mistake of sending a cadre of morons into space instead of their astronauts, don't bother to come up with plan B, spend all their time dinking around with driller training, and also being in charge of all life on Earth. Nice. Then there's Bruce Willy and team, who we can forgive because, well....they're idiots. They shouldn't even be up there!
This week on the greatest podcast about bad movies, Sam decides to punish us for 2 1/2 hours with both Michael Bay and Bruce Willis' first appearance on the show. It's the "classic" teenage-girl loving mega-hit, Armageddon, in which a rock gets sploded by oil drillers. Prepare for some bad science!
Streaming Dos and Don'tsThe Colony - NetflixMazes and Monsters - Amazon PrimeSpace Mutiny - Netflix (MST3K) The Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateThe Iron Foot - 7.25/10 starsAbout Armageddon - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Knock knock?Who’s there?Armageddon.Armageddon Who?Armageddon on your nerves yet? If not give me another 2 and a half hours.
That’s right, despite the cumbersome length, it is finally time for Michael Bay to please step forward. This will also be Jerry Bruckhiemer’s first time on the show, somehow, he will definitely be back as my next pick is Con Air. I am sure he will be back after that as well, his filmography reads like a movie critics rogues gallery. The third member of the superstar filmmaking team is Gale Anne Hurd. Though more respected in critical circles, Gale is now a Stinker Madness 3 timer as she also produced Dante’s Peak and Punisher War Zone. The Screenplay, as you can imagine, was tackled by as many as nine individuals at various times but it would appear that Hurd’s husband and scribe of many stinkers, Jonathan Hensleigh was on the frontend and Tony Gilroy and JJ Abrams got in on the action.
An endless troupe of soon-to-be-dead invade a protected jungle to achieve their cavalcade of ulterior motives set to the backdrop of civil war. There's also a talking trash-can, lasers, primacide, Reagan's Star Wars program, bad science, missiles, bad management and Ernie Hudson. It's time for some good ol' bonkers business.
Congo from opening shot to final frame is a mass of nonsense. At no point in time does anything feasible or scientifically sound happen throughout. It's like they took the original script, sent it to Bizarro World, then brought it back and used that version. None of it makes any damn sense.
Now, the biggie...Amy the gorilla. She stinks, I'm sorry Stan Winston. This is a talking trashcan or at best one of the members of the Chuck E. Cheese band. But she's probably the most likeable character in the film, so you got that going for you.
Last year we made a hard decision that the classic Michael Crichton adaptation Congo was a must do for an episode and now we have reached the point where its time for such shenanigans. It's lasers, gorillas and greed and everything you want.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsGantz:O - NetflixSupersonic Man - Rifftrax - Amazon PrimeSuper Inframan - Amazon PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower DebateWater Freeze Man - 8.75/10 StarsAbout Congo - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
The novel Congo, written of course, by Michael Crichton in 1980, made a startling number of accurate predictions about future technology. When it came time make the movie, some 15 years later, those behind other Hollywood brain trust decisions, would include only two main technologies for the film version. These would most assuredly be the least intellectually palatable devices; the monkey talk box and, the by 1995 scientifically proven to be implausible laser gun. Another fabulous decision by the film-making team would be putting some hair on a brown trash can and making the declaration that it is a talking ape named Amy.
Frank Marshal made his third directorial effort with Congo, the previous two films being the box office hit Arachnophobia and the critical success Alive. Despite his established track record and more than impressive production credits as the other half of Amblin Entertainment, he decided to make this steaming turd burger. True to form, however, the Marshal picture still killed it at the box office raking in $80 million against a $50 million dollar budget. It should also be noted that John Patrick Shanley wrote the screen play for this. Yes the same guy who auteured Joe Vs The Volcano somehow also wrote this.
When it comes to making a title that is indicative of the plot, well this one nails it. Take 33% LA noir detective business, 33% chainsaw murders and 33 1/3% dancing topless hookers and you've got one of Fred Olen Ray's masterpieces. Hard to not love this blast o' laughs.
HCH (to save time) is hilarious...and quite intentionally. It's the opinion of this writer that Fred Olen Ray could have easily linked up with the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrahams. If only he had been involved during Jane Austen's Mafia. It may have not been the turd that it was. There's plenty of slapstick and parody that keep the viewer focused on the jokes more than the huge boobs (which is quite the achievement).
Then there's the cast. Wowie. Its a cavalcade of silly performances mixed with killer comedic timing that really take this movie about boobs from a late-night wankfest into a 90% on Rottentomatoes.com. Linnea Quigley, John H. Richardson, Michelle Bauer, and Dukey Flyswatter (Michael Sonye) kill in front of the camera and put on a clinic of how to make a low-budget movie one heck of of a great time. It should also be noted that friend of the program, Christopher Olen Ray, appears as Kid at Bar, who gives the lead quite the snark while enjoying a fancy martini in a dingy "get stabbed" strip joint. Standing ovation.
Jackie brings in the first Fred Olen Ray film in that old tale of hookers on a hellbent rampage with some nasty chainsaws and lots of boobies.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeathrace 2050 - NetflixThe Pumaman - MST3K - Netflix or YouTube OR without MST3K on YouTubeThe Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor Couple's EditionTarzan and JaneBarney and Betty RubbleJoker and Harley QuinnAbout Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Fred Olen Ray has directed 16 films since the last time we talked about him, in fact he directed 3 films before I could get to the end of this sentence. Recently he commandeered Van Damme and Segal in order to highjack the Sniper franchise, Billy Zane liked it so much he’s pissing his pants right now. In total Ray has directed nearly 150 films. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is among his more popular films which would also include Bad Girls From Mars, Beverly Hills Vamp, Cyclone and the Wynorski collaborative effort Dinosaur Island.
Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer will team up for this romp, though I hope they would team up on me… Quigley has been called the “Queen of the B’s” while Bauer is the Queen of my B-oner. Not just a clever nick name Quigley has 144 acting credits and none of them are in good movies. Also not just a clever nick name Michelle Bauer has given me a boner right now. Other frequent Fred Olen Ray contributors Jay Andrews and Dukey Flyswatter will also appear in the film.
Matt Damon and Oberyn Martell find themselves in the middle of the Battle for Helm's Deep with an Elven army posing as Chinese on one side and an horde of Orcs posing as aliens on the other. Yep...aliens. Our front runner for dumbest film ever made.
The plot of The Great Wall is easily the most poorly thought out plot since....well ever. Its dumber than Reign of Fire. It's dumber than Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It's dumber than After Earth AND Lady in the Water AND The Happening combined. It can't be understated how dumb this film's plot is. The only way you can argue the logistics of this "war" between the Chinese and space dog-lizards is that both sides are complete morons.
The entire thing goes that these space monsters flew across the expanse of space atop an asteroid that crashed into Earth. So their nasty and want to eat people...sorta. Well the Chinese aren't down with getting turned into poop so they built a 5,500 mile wall to keep these little bastards out. Out of what is yet to be determined.
We all lost a huge part of our show and entertainment in general in the passing of Bill Paxton. He was a one of a kind type of actor and while that may seem cliche to say in the wake of someone's death in Hollywood, we'll stand by it. Bill had a depth that few possess, taking roles as varied as the pyschotic Severen in Near Dark (and is the only reason to watch the movie) to the silly Matt Owens in (Slipstream) to the model for a douche in Simon from True Lies (and steals the comedic show from Arnold and Arnold) to the warm but frightened Fred Haise in Apollo 13. The guy could play anything.
So with that in mind, we tackle the 1996 disasterooney of Twister. With all its cliches and tropes that run rampant in the disaster genre, can the immensely popular film stand up to 20 years of time since its release? Who is this Helen Hunt lady? How did Phillip Seymour Hoffman become a thing? Is that a flying cow? All this and more revealed in our podcast episode. Listen to it!
Twister is WOW stupid. It falls into that mold of "these characters should have died in multiple instances but don't thanks to ludicrous writing". And they are all pretty blatant. One does not need to be a forensic scientist to understand that these people died multiple times. Pretty awesome stupid.
We get straight to weezin' the juice as a caveman gets called out for being, well...a caveman. It's that old story of boy meets girl, boy gets frozen in a glacier and then boy meets potheads and learns the wonders of the doobage.
Encino Man is a movie that shouldn't be any fun at all. But it is. End of story. It has that strange ability to be not funny but fun throughout. It's outlandish, ridiculous, and stupid but never stops being a wild ride.
What may not be overtly stated is that the movie tells us that the only way to not get murdered by a caveman and have a smooth transition for him into modern society is marijuana. There's no onscreen use of the pot but behind the scenes it's heavily implied. If you know anything about potheads and the things that surround them, you'll spot this pretty easily. Stoney (Pauly Shore) is the easy spot but those who know what I'm talking about will also recognize Dave (Sean Astin) as that straight-laced fella whose parents don't know he's into the weed.
After weeks of pitching a fit, Jackie is subjected to a film she appears to be not much of a fan of. It's the story of a caveman frozen in ice for millennia only to thawed out in early 90's SoCal....what possibly horrors will he (or us) face in Encino Man?!?!
The Stinker Madness Academy Award Special!
We take a look at each of the films and share our meat and two bits with you! That makes this episode a bit on the long side but we had quite a bit to say about this years field. There will be spoilers so be careful!
Sando’s 2016 Stinker Madness films of certain regard as it pertains to awards season
During the episode I will only mention Love & Friendship specifically as a film I thought to be as strong as the middle to upper end of the Best Picture field. However, the 9 overall nominations after the few hits included some distant misses seeming to be a symptom of a very wide second tier field following; La La Land, Manchester by the Sea and Moonlight. I saw 6 of the 9 nominations and immediately thought The Arrival and Hacksaw Ridge had no business being invited to the party. So I will start with films that I saw which I thought to be superior to the aforementioned two.
The hottest awards for bad films in 2016 are here and the winners are all set. Listen to the 2016 SMABFA Podcast and check out all the nominees and winners below.
And the Nominees & Winners are (winner in bold):Best Bad Movie - The Most Enjoyable Bad MovieLondon Has FallenGods of EgyptNine LivesIndependence Day: ResurgenceZoolander 2Worst Bad Movie - The Least Enjoyable Bad MovieMother's DayWarcraftSuicide SquadXmen: ApocalypseAllegiantBest Bad Actor - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Male ActorGerard Butler - Gods of EgyptBrent Spiner - Independence Day: ResurgenceGerard Butler - London Has FallenChristopher Walken - Nine LivesKevin Spacey - Nine LivesBest Bad Actress - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Female ActorMargot Robbie - Suicide SquadMaika Monroe - The 5th WaveVivica A. Fox - Independence Day: ResurgenceEmily Blunt - The Huntsman: Winter's WarCharlize Theron - The Huntsman: Winter's WarMST3K Most Riffable - The easiest and most fun to make fun of film while viewingGods of EgyptThe 5th WaveNine LivesBen-HurIndependence Day: ResurgenceWorst Bad Actor - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Male ActorJared Leto - Suicide SquadJesse Eisenberg - Batman vs Superman: Dawn of JusticeJohnny Depp - Alice Through the Looking GlassDaniel Radcliffe - Now You See Me 2Jeff Goldblum - Independence Day: ResurgenceWorst Bad Actress - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Female ActorJennifer Garner - Nine LivesAnne Hathaway - Alice Through the Looking GlassJennifer Aniston - Mother's DayKate Hudson - Mother's DayCara Delevingne - Suicide Squad
The SMABFA awards will be listed on this page and presented on the Stinker Madness podcast as a special episode released on February 13th, 2016 at approximately 10AM MST. Make sure to tune into the Stinker Madness Podcast and listen to the SMABFA Awards Show.
USA Gold Medal magnet, Kurt Thomas, stars as John Cabot, a USA Gold Medal magnet/super secret agent/diplomat to strange lands. So he solo invades Parmistan, an absolutely insane country, to play "The Game" to get a satellite substation. Well that makes perfect sense!
Gymkata is serious shenanigans. It could be argued that it's the most bonkers movie we've reviewed and definitely the most poorly thought out. While most might focus on the unawesome martial art that combines gymnastics and karate (which puts it in the Streaming Do's and Don'ts realm) the country of Parmistan is our focus. Parmistan is impossible. It can't work. How does diplomacy work? Do they have foreign trade? Is their military only made of ninja or are they more like the secret police? Is there a system of government besides the Khan? I personally believe that someone, probably Pakistan, would have bombed Parmistan back into the Stone Age, but Parmistan never got out of the Stone Age so I guess bomb them back to the times of the dinosaurs (they may also have dinosaurs).
This is a really terrible movie. Sure, it's fun. But not fun in the usual manner. Take Megaforce for example. It's really bad but it's awesome. The action is awesome, the vehicles are awesome, the bad guy's awesome. It drips awesome. But Gymkata is the opposite. When Kurt Thomas fights guys using his special style it's quite not awesome. It's laughable at how dump it looks. If a child pretends to fight with Gymkata with their friends in the backyard, they are going to get beat up. It's a one way ticket to Bullytown.
Its obvious you like Stinker Madness, so subscribe to the podcast and get new episodes of Stinker Madness every week - on your phone, your tablet, your computer, however you like to listen! Once you’ve subscribed, free episodes will automatically download on Fridays and Mondays. Don't know what the hell a podcast is or what it means to subscribe? Enter the present: Click here.