Bad movie authority Roman finally joins us in the studio as we view and yammer about the Ausploitation awesomeness that is The Man From Hong Kong. Are there any stuntmen or actors alive in Australia after this seriously dangerous movie?!?!
This movie features some of the craziest stunts we've ever seen and it's a wonder anyone made it out of it. There is a car chase scene that is completely epic, hang glider accidents, Spider-Man building climbing, ninja fights, burning men and so much more. Plus, Jigsaw rocks!
Seriously worth watching since it's free on YouTube!
Presented by Fifty Shades of Brown, the story of two lovers tied together by raunchy flatulents.
We gear up for an ass-kicker of a movie in The Man From Hong Kong or Dragon Flies. We also review more Netflix and Amazon Instant Movies, more ongoing movie trivia and perhaps the best opening commercial we've ever done - Fifty Shades of Brown trailer.
Netflix Do's and Don'ts
The Serpent and the Rainbow
An anthropologist goes to Haiti after hearing rumors about a drug used by black magic practitioners to turn people into zombies.
We take a look at the Kevin Costner and Kevin Reynolds epic turd that is Robin Hood. With special guests Hobbits, stunt butts, fisheye lenses, and a plot that makes absolutely no sense....oh and Shaun and Chelsea. Tallyho!
Over the top action: Cheesy effects: Horrendous acting: Laugh-out-loud-ability: Ridiculous stunts: Gratuitous nudity: Memorable one-liners:
This 0.5 episode is sponsored by Bryan Adam's Lost LOST Recordings as we get ready for Kevin Costner's to charm our way through the turd that is Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. This movie was a mega-blockbuster and we wouldn't be surprised of the amount of people that have no clue that this movie sucks so bad. It's cheesy, poorly acted, completely unbelievable, doesn't make any sense, and no one knows it. There's a cast of thousands with Christian Slater (ugh), Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio; all of them mail it in except for Costner and Slater who act as best as they can. Justin and Sam have history with this movie. Justin loved it when he was 14 years old. When it came out on DVD, Justin bought it immediately. Him and Sam then watched and immediately afterwards drove to Hastings to sell it back. They would only give him $.50 for it, so Justin threw it out the window of his car. Sorry environment. Blame Costner.
Let the war for Planet Mongo begin! Its the QB of the New York Jets vs. Max Van Sydow's evil eyebrows, endless robots (are they robots?) and people that bleed oil. This is one bad movie...that rules.
Sam J. Jones from Playgirl and The Dating Game fame takes on the complex and emotionally challenging role of Flash Gordon, a guy who gains super fighting skills when holding things somewhat shaped like footballs. When the evil guy from Planet Mongo makes the weather of the world gets pretty messed up and natural disasters happen such as "Volcano, Volcano Eruption and Hot Hail", Flash Gordon must fall asleep on space rocket, fall in love by holding hands, and then wander around a few planet/moons/asteroids until he can unite the tribes of Mongo in order to stop Emperor Ming.
This film is really really really bad. It's fun, I'll disclaim, but it truly is a giant train wreck. It's made on the scale of a Cecil B. DeMille movie but looks about as good as a Roger Corman film. It's ridiculous. The set pieces are giant, the costumes are lavish and the visual effects are outlandish. But each piece is super super super dumb.
Presented by The 1980 Hawkman Rocket Cycle. Never fly blind through victory again!
Jackie gets us ready for one of the most popular bad movies of all time as Sam J Jones hits us in the face with his metaphorical football. Get pumped for Freddie Mercury (God rest his soul) and the rest of Queen, Max Von Sydow, Timothy Dalton, and sweeeeeettt costumes! Flash! AAAAWWWWW.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Horror anthology about a college professor (Zada) teaching a course called "The Psychology of Fear". He brings his students (including psychic McWhirter) to his home, one dark and stormy night to tell scary stories. The first involves a young couple whose car breaks down by an old, abandoned house. The second has four trendy teenage girls getting lost in a bad part of town, and chased by a pack of vicious dogs. Last, we have Helgenberger confronting a stalker at the answering service where she works the night shift.
What happens if you turn a gymnast into an action hero, a trashy whore into super spy, James Bond into a Ben-Gay ad, and Gene Simmons into a lady-boy? Why you get this DTV gem of a movie, duh! Uncle Jesse saves the world from dirty water and Gene Simmons gives us a "too believable" performance. YEEEEAHH!
So John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a gymnastic champ who's father is a top secret agent (played by George Lazenby). When Lance's father dies preventing a group of hooligans from doing something unknown, Stargrove must take over the family business and stop Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), a transgender sociopath with dreams of world domination (we guess). Stargrove is helped out by Danja (Vanity) and his tech buddy Cliff (Peter Kwong).
Some bad movies have a great beginning and a great ending but the middle is dry and dull. This is often due to lack of a budget or lack of imagination in the writing. Never Too Young to Die is not one of those films. This thing comes in hot and never cools down with scene after scene of shenanigans that you look for in a classic stinker. From the unforgettable theme song (entitled Stargrove, naturally) to the climatic and preposterous battle on top of a dam between Stargrove and Von Ragner, this one is solid gold.
Presented by Vanity Off. For when you really just need Vanity to go back to Prince.
This episode John Stamos' hair gets the spot light (and the mousse) as we get ready for a gem of a turd in Never Too Young to Die with Stamos, Vanity (again), and George Lazenby and Gene Simmons (calling Dr. Love?). Sam brings us this direct-to-video movie that Jackie nor Justin has ever heard of.
We start out talking about Vanity and what she's done other than Action Jackson and Never Too Young to Die. Apparently, she's in 52 Pickup which Sam calls "the most underrated movie, ever" However, Vanity doesn't really participate much in 52 Pickup so that doesn't really count. 2/3 Stinker Madness hosts think she's gross but Sam is all about Vanity's charm and looks.
It's time for Jericho Jackson to try to live up to his nickname, yet for some reason he avoids the action for 3/4 of the movie. But when the action hits, boy does it hit. Vanity is the worst lounge singer of all time, Craig T. Nelson knows karate (at least his stunt guy does), and Sharon Stone just can't stay alive or happily married in any movie she's in. Get ready for some nonsense.
Action Jackson is named very inaccurately. When it comes to action, Jericho dials it up to about a 3. He spends most of his time not performing any action. He almost seems more like a stock broker than an action guy. Yes we know he jumps over a car, but the rest of the time he just kind of wanders around and asks people what the hell is going on around him. He's essentially the worst detective ever. Everyone knows the plot of the film except him (and us). The entire plan of the villian (Craig T. Nelson) is revealed to him by a beautician who has absolutely no contact with anyone or any events in the movie. Uhm...what?
Craig T. plays a guy named Delaplane who's motivation is to keep his hair from staying the same color, revolutionize the auto industry by building a Fiero, and bang drug addicts. He's married to Sharon Stone who gets murdered (was she the 90's version of Sean Bean?) because she asks a question. He can also do karate. You heard it. Coach can do karate. It may be one of the worst castings for a karate guy of all time. I'm not buying it.
This episode is brought to you by the Invisible Slip. Because you really want everyone to see your ass through your dress.
Justin gets to choose this week and he's dialed up a classic in Carl Weather's Action Jackson. How long can Vanity keep her shirt on? Get super pumped (but don't hurt yourself).
We start out by discussing "The Brimley Awards" from the If We Made It podcast. You may remember Jeff and Tucker guesting on our "The Beastmaster" episode. Those guys are great and really funny. Check out the whole Brimley Awards episode from Jeff and Tucker. I think you might hear Sam laughing once.
Let the ferrets fly and the tigers die as Jeff and Tucker from If We Made It podcast show up to help us try to make sense of The Beastmaster. Does PETA show up to put a stop to the madness? Does Tanya Roberts save the movie by letting the ladies out? Does anyone get 'sploded? (Spoiler alerts - no, yes, yes - respectively)
This movie is completely nuts. Its a complete knockoff of Conan, but so wild in every way, it stands on its own. Beastmaster has some pretty vague powers, villians have pretty vague motivations and relationships, minions wear helmets that don't allow them to see anything, bat-people may or may not make soup, and people disappear randomly for much of the movie. It's great.
How this film didn't get shut down with animal cruelty is a pretty big mystery. Most people know that the tiger that was painted black to become a panther died, but the incredible feat is how many ferrets must have been murdered. They fly across the screen all the time; they had to have hired a guy just to toss ferrets. Another falls to his death, another drowns, god knows how many were eaten by the eagle.
Sponsored by Critter Commander! Build an army of animals to do your bidding to do things like your laundry and wash your car.
This 0.5 episode contains the usual nonsense we have but we really amp it up in honor of Marc Singer's manliness. Jackie really loves this movie and it turns out that her entire youth was geared around it.
We start out talking about how The Beastmaster was just a modest theatrical success but really came alive on VHS and achieved cult status. Justin recounts that he double-featured this with Deathstalker and Sam only remembers that a guy gets his nuts bit off by a ferret. Jackie tells us that this movie is like Tom Jones; adult/elderly women eat it up. It's like the 50 Shades of Grey of cheesy movies. At least until 50 Shades of Grey comes out in the theaters.
We apologize for the poor audio on this episode. We had a new computer setup and frankly we don't know what the hell we're doing. But you all seem to like what we do so keep on'a listenin'.
Watch the Trailer
The first half is "The Bible as told by Tolkien". The second half is Cape Fear (no really). And the entire thing is sprinkled with crap. It's Noah and it's arguably the worst movie ever to see a theater release.
We honestly can't see what anyone sees as good in this film. I guess it's full of action, but there is very little good storytelling here. Its purely built around the action and effects, which really doesn't help because the action is incredibly dumb and the effects look absolutely terrible. Tons and tons of CGI that looks pretty rubbery. Then there's battle-action Noah. Where did Noah learned to fight like Legolas?
Sam brings in Steven Seagal for his first time on Stinker Madness with his last time in the theaters and the reason for that becomes quite apparent. Oh and would someone please just off Ja-Rule within the first 4 minutes of this movie...please???? It's got Alcatraz, it's got gun fights, it's got slap fighting and it's also got all the characters from The Matrix! What could possibly be wrong with this film?
You know those movies that just get so boring after the first 5 minutes of action? This is one of those. It's really boring. Its quite hard to get attached to anything that is going on. Its another instance of characters and actors that you just want removed from your TV. It's also just a capsule of everything wrong with 2002. Its a long music video for any rap-rock band. Ick.
Ja Rule.....ugh. This guy sucks. Sucks so bad. He plays the obligatory tough street hood in just about any Seagal movie, yet he's the least tough guy ever caught on film. He constantly makes this squinty poopy face like a dog does when its curious or as if he's just taking bathroom selfies throughout the whole thing. He's worse than DMX. He's on par with Coolio.
It's point-five time and Pappa Sando brews us up a sweet batch o' prison hooch (and we drink it) as we get sentenced to the first Steven Seagal appearance. As is tradition, we got more Netflix do's and don't coming at you, the stakes in Stinker Thinkers gets HOT, we do our best acting attempts and maybe get a little drunk. Who's ready for some slap-fightin'? Yeeeehhhhhaaaaw!!!!
The very first "Stinker Hall of Fame" movie makes it's debut; so let's get ready to run people over with David Carradine and Sly Stallone. Plus Stinker Thinkers (Sam is pummeling Justin) and Netflix Do's and Don'ts...we also may get a little out of hand here....
Hang on to your eye of newt and your spider legs! You're about to drink a powerful witch's brew of bad movie business. Betrayal, conceit, lust, and greed take over this week in a trip back to the 80's. You're going to be the most popular girl!
This movie is nanners. It seems amazingly offensive to just about any group of people in the world, including females, teenagers, morals, parents, teachers and probably even witches. The witch trials were a better era for witches than Teen Witch. The movie is about an unpopular girl in high school who uses magic powers to win the heart of a statutory rapist, in the process ruins the life of her friends and family. She's an awful person. Her beau is about the biggest b-hole in the world so they may be perfect for each other but combined they are like Stalin marrying Lizzie Borden. Pure evil!
Most people will note this film for its horrible music. Rap battles, cheer songs about boys, on stage performances from a Sheena-E knockoff, the list goes on. The interesting thing about the music is the sheer volume which lends this film to be considered a musical, however we can't agree because each of the musical sequances take place in the reality of the world and the world is presented as if it is our world. I think these musical pieces aren't there for pure entertainment like true musicals do; they are there because they are part of the characters life. It's pretty weird. However, each musical number is purely ridiculous and can each be viewed on their own for their LOL-ability.
We take a look into the future where Mick Jagger gets to be an action star, no one ages, and that fava-beans and chianti guy gets paid his day rate. Emilio Estevez stars as Alex Furlong, a race car driver that gets exploded into the future so that he can get "bone-jacked" for a rich man's immortality....we think. The future doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us humble 2014 people.
Emilio and Jagger are really quite bad actors in this film. They both are terrible but in completely opposite ways. Jagger is thoroughly wooden and puts little to no effort into his role. While Estevez does his best Jim Carrey and overacts each scene. He's like that desperate person at the end of the bar at midnight that tries way too hard to be your friend. This duo play enemies so the opposing acting makes up for some fun unintentional comedic chemistry.
There's some pretty weird things in the future as well. Everybody shoots at each other yet cities seem to be fairly pleasant aside from the flying bullets. Time and space do not have properties in people's dwellings as most apartments in the film have secret rooms and doors that can't physically exist in the building space, at least in the world that we understand. Toss in Alex and Julie Redlund's (played by Rene Russo) relationship with their literal on-screen butt kissing and quite unrealistic dialogue, you've got a story world that involves a lot of head scratching for the viewer.
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