This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!
In 2001, Mariah Carey decided to wreck thousands of lives and destroy Sam's affection for her visual appearance, primarily her face. While "glittercan't overpower the artist" Glitter can't even overpower it's own idiocy, racism, and sexism.
What? Glitter is a period-piece? This takes place in 1983? WTF? Why on Earth does it take place in 1983? The clothes, the cars, the music, the set pieces, the vernacular, NOTHING was done that says "Hey, it's 1983" except a bottom 1/3 graphic. It's screams that it's actually 2001. And 1983 serves absolutely no purpose to the story. None. If there was a bad movie award for poor and unnecessary choices and the subsequent execution of said choice, this would have been that categories Gone With the Wind.
It's time for Jackie to choose another Razzie winning and highly nominated "musical". In 2001, men in ties decided to crap in our ears and eyes as the allow Mariah Carey to create her own movie about her career (sorta). Get ready for gluch....
5. Kurt Russell - Escape from LA, The Thing, Big Trouble, Tango & Cash 4. Chuck Norris - Delta Force, Firewalker, Invasion USA, Lone Wolf McQuade 3. Jackie Chan - Project A, Meals on Wheels, Police Story, Armour of God 2. Sly Stallone - All Rambos, Rocky IV, Cobra, Tango & Cash 1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Conan, Commando, Predator, Running Man
Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.
Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.
Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?
Re: My superpower of electromagnetic telekinesis at a cost:
Our good movie friend Tucker (If We Made It Podcast) stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.
Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action movie attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.
To purge ourselves from the misery of last weeks movie we dowse ourselves in awesomeness and then light ourselves on fire (that was all figurative, in no way do we endorse lighting yourself on fire...unless you're a total tool, then go for it) and let Arnold take the show over it the quintessential action movie of the 1980s (maybe even ever) but still incredibly dumb, Commando.
Fall SMABFA Contenders
Ben-Hur - Uh, you know you screwed up here.
Nine Lives - Thanks for telling our kids they are stupid and will like anything. Their not and they hated this.
The Mechanic: Resurrection - Statham takes a shot at getting that Best Bad Movie title. Possible surprise one here.
Rings - So what? Sumara lives in Netflix now? Come on it worked (barely) with VHS but 20 years later is too much later....
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor
Joan Crawford - Mommie Dearest
The Waits Family - Troll 2
Mike Roark - Volcano
Harry Dalton - Dante's Peak
About Commando (1985) - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
Mark L. Lester is making his second, but most likely not last visit, to Stinker Madness from the directors chair. His first film we covered was, of course, Showdown in Little Tokyo. This week's film Commando, is among his most popular, along side the cult classic Class of 1984 and the John Candy vehicle, Armed and Dangerous. Fortunately for us Lester is still turning out stinkers. His most recent effort is 2014's Dragons of Camelot, and it looks like a lot, of bull shit.
Here's a fun concept - take something as boring to watch as bowling and then make a movie that is just as boring about said boring thing. You've then got a very accurate representation of something super boring. Wow. Thanks a lot bowling movie.
Dreamer is arguably the most boring movie ever made. There's levels of bad that are definitely worse as far as film-making. See Manos, Monster-a-Go-Go, Sssssss, CHOMPS and so forth come to mind. The good thing about all those films is that there's at least something to either hate, scratch your head over, or just be angry about. This causes no emotions on any level. Its the least interesting film we've ever seen. Ever. No question.
In this week's podcast spectacular of majesty, we've dug into the vaults and pulled out a brown stain in sports film-making history from 1979. It's the tale of the super exciting world of bowling. What? You didn't know bowling could be exciting? Well put on your slippery shoes and grab your ball bag because we didn't either!
Our second of back to back "stupid volcano movies from 1997" is the possibly the least disastery of any disaster movies ever created. Spoiler alert - body count is 5 and a tiny hick town gets cleared off the map. It's fine since they were just a bunch of smug buttholes anyways.
So if Volcano should have been named "Lava; Not Volcano Really", then Dante's Peak should have been called "Volcano; No Lava Really". It's a perfect mirror in opposite land. The volcano is HUGE but has very little lava. In fact the only thing that lava kills in this film is some truck tires. Very strange.
Hey remember that OTHER volcano movie from 1997? Well its here on Stinker Madness to finally help us answer that age old question: which 1997 volcano movie is the most stupid? Dante's Peak stars Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton.
Tommy and Anne face off against some hot magma ("What's Magma?") in the first of two 1997 volcano movies. This one features a lead character who should be fired and never hired for his job, a slew of disaster movie cliches (Dog never dies, anyone?) and Stan, the Man-Chucking Man in possibly the stupidest movie we've ever seen on this show.
Let's start off by declaring how incredibly dumb this movie is. Every single bit of "science" is telegraphed to the audience because "Hey! They're stupid!" such as the definition of tectonic activity, gravity and magma. The volcano has a mind of its own and has Tommy Lee Jones sense meaning if Tommy is coming its sneaky and hides from him. The government officials of LA have no clue how things should work and it seems Tommy's Roark is the mayor as everyone calls him or reports to him daily even before the eruption. The Chief of Police even calls to obligatorily yell at someone, even if its completely unrelated to Emergency Management of which Roark is the director of. I can in no way define how stupid this movie is because in order to define something you must possess some semblance of intelligence. That would be a slap in the face of this movies lack thereof.
As evidenced by the classic 1997 film Volcano, there are some disaster management professionals out there who do not know what magma is, I am then to infer that there are possibly people out there, disaster management professionals or otherwise, who don't know what volcanoes are. I will explain this phenomenon as unscientifically as possible; a volcano is a giant dirt cone that shoots fire sauce out the top, not the good kind of fire sauce either. You put this stuff on your taco and it becomes el taco de la muerte.
The Corey's team up to help Haim get his drivers license and bang a girl. Along the way, they go on a slew of crimes mostly involving reckless endangerment but also sexual assault and child pornography in a showcase of how horrible the 80's were. Not even Heather Graham and Carol Kane can save this.
This film is a pukefest of 80's trends, stupidity, and selfishness. It's a perfect capsule of something that is horrible. So yes, it captures the essence of the decade but the decade sucks and so does this film. Sorry lovers of Aquanet.
The "Coreys" make their official first appearance on the show with the 80's cheesefest about teenagers getting driver's licenses. This sounds like a recipe for disaster as the 80's sucked, teenagers suck and drivers training sucks the worst! At least Heather Graham is easy on the eye-balls.
John Rambo comes to us in the third installment of the First Blood/Rambo franchise in the pinnacle of 80's over the top action. It's fun, it's stupid, its violent, and ridiculous. But in the year 2016 and how much we don't really care for ethnic cleansing, it's also a little offensive.
If Rambo had been left in Afghanistan for about 3 months, the world certainly would be a different place than it is today and it's anybody's guess whether it would be better or worse. It could go either way, because sure he kicks the Russkies asses but he also teams up with the Mujahideen and I'm not sure that he didn't honestly believe they were worth fighting with. At no point does it seem anyone questioned the motives of the Mujahideen during filmmaking. They were fighting the Russians so I guess that must mean they are the good guys. It wouldn't take much longer before we learned that they were genocidal assholes. Ooo, poor taste in pals, John.
Carolco decides its destiny by spending too much on a ridiculous film that involves a man causes fire and bullets to steer clear. It's the Stallord's one jillionth appearance on the show and we haven't even gotten to Tango & Cash, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot or Cliffhanger!
Troll 2 has been widely hailed as one of the best bad movies ever made what with its documentary called "Best Worst Movie" and also topping the IMDB Bottom 100. Sometimes though a film can be overpraised in its horrendousness. Will Troll 2 stand up to the critical analysis that has debunked such films as Gigli and Mommie Dearest?
The short answer? No. No this movie is one of the worst ever made.
Finally, we hit one of the most notorious bad movies of all time. At one point, Troll 2 was the #1 lowest rated movie on IMDB.com until people realized it's freaking awesome. Praised by many and loved by tons, it's a treasure of a film and we can't wait to dive into it.
In 1981, Faye Dunaway took the role of Joan Crawford and then thought she was on a one way track to Oscar Town. Instead, her completely unbelievable performance bought her a bus ticket to Razzieville. We take on this cult classic and try to determine the ultimate question of "Is it really that bad or good?"
So there's truly only one thing to talk about regarding this film. It's Faye Dunaway's performance. So much has been said about this role and her completely ridiculous take on being an insane person. You can't take her seriously. The character is doing completely horrible things that bear no semblance to anything a rational person would do but Faye's take on it is outlandish. It's impossible and by far the most interesting part of the whole damn thing. Unfortunately, her freak outs are too few and far between.
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