In early preparation for Thanksgiving, Jackie gets a headstart with pulling the trigger on a turkey of a movie from 1972, 3 weeks early. But that's OK because it's a spooky tale about a motorcycle guy who smokes some pot and gets turned into a murderous turkey. Just like your family.
Special Segment - Films we've seen the most in a given period of time
Jackie - Care Bears Movie, The Beastmaster, Love ActuallyJustin - Condorman, Batman, Fight ClubSam - Rambo II, Encino Man, The A-Team, Children of MenThe Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife FightA Thanksgiving Turkey vs The Easter BunnyAbout Blood Freak - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Gobble gobble, it’s turkey time. Not the kind of turkey that J-Lo has in her pants. Did J-Lo ad lib that? Does that mean that in her pants she has a full turkey ensemble; a snood, wattle and major caruncle? Perhaps it is just the character “Ricki/Rochelle” who has mean roast beef curtains, because otherwise what the hell is she talking about? See (or hear rather) our Gigli episode for more.
I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA
Duncan Jax and his faithful companion, Boon are back to take down a group of Nazis living in South America from accomplishing their dubious evil plans, mostly having a functioning laser and unfreezing their cryogenic leader, Ze Furor. Yes that one.
Let's get right out there and say that Order of the Black Eagle and Unmasking the Idol are two of the funnest films we've had the pleasure of discussing on this show. They REALLY need to be re-release as a dual pack on Blu-Ray. As much fun as we had with the first one we may have had more fun with the second. These are fantastic.
I'm also going to link to the full movie on YouTube I just found but it may not be there for long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4S6VBdM7yA
This week on the podcast Sam follows up the first Duncan Jax movie with what may or may not be the sequel to Unmasking the Idol. This time Duncan's going to take down a bunch of Nazis who happen to have a little special guest on their hands.
Disney bungles a live-action version of a cartoon with the least believable action star that has ever delved into the spy/superhero game. But add one of the raddest car chases, laser turret boats, rocket powered zip lines, and the worst costume you've ever seen and you've got one of the best early 80's turds to ever grace the screen. Wahoo!
The movie follows Woody who is the graphic artist behind the Condorman comic book frachise. Woody foolishly stumbles into a Soviet defection mission for the CIA and must employ the skills of his creation to help the beautiful and mysterious Natalia escape from the villainous Krakov and his right hand man, Morovitch and his team of skilled killers. You can use that if you'd like IMDB.
Michael Crawford's Woody is seriously one of the strangest casting decisions. Yes he's goofy and bumbling but at the same point is completely devoid of charm. Yet he's so unlikable that he becomes likable. It also seems like they gave him teeth extensions and raised the octave of his voice by a factor of 2. The rest of the cast does a fine job including a clearly drunk Oliver Reed.
Back in 1981, Disney tried to gift the world with a live-action version of a comic-book character, and failed miserably. But their mistake is our great reward as Condorman sweeps through the show. We are giddy with excitement.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsDeath Wish II - EPIXDeath Wish III - TUBITVTroll - EPIX and PrimeThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
Emo-Man - You gain powers based on your emotional state, ie angry you get hulky, peaceful you get zenlike, sad you can shoot water out your eyes, horny you get smelly genitals....
About Condorman - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Condorman was one of several films that changed the way that the Walt Disney Company would release films. With other stalwart failures such as The Black Hole, executives thought that attaching the Disney tag to anything remotely adult was a kiss of death. Though Condorman was aimed at all audiences it was really only beloved by 8 year olds. Eventually, 3 years later, Disney would form the Touchstone label for it’s adult oriented releases. Tragically the films wouldn’t be as imaginative as those that came before the label. The first film released under the tag was Splash. Stinker Madness did an episode on Splash, though I am not sure why we did it you should go back and listen to it, 3 times. Another favorite of the Touchstone line was Stakeout with Driefus and Emilio. When I watched Stakeout with my dad, firstly I asked him why he was in movies and he didn’t tell me, and secondly, about halfway through the film I asked him when the steaks were coming into play.
Michael J. Dudikoff and Steve James are back from American Ninja and this time the volume of ninja gets ramped up to ludicrous levels. How do you get so many ninja? Well you just build an evil clone army of them so you can be a drug kingpin. What? Yep.
In another instance of Golan and Globus having very little understanding of the ninja, we also have very little understanding of their understanding. When you can clone ninja, what do you do with the ninja you've cloned? Well you become the kingpin of drugs. So why do you need ninja? Are they couriers? Are they drug dealers? Are they guards? Why not just have guys with guns? And why are your cloned ninja so inept? The plot is quite dumb.
Dudikoff is back and we're all too happy to see him. However, due to no fault of his own, he's not quite the same Pvt. Joe Armstrong from the first film. We really missed the unnecessary and out of place James Dean poses. He's a little less featured in this one, the stars are the ninja. However, we do give props for the incredibly tight pants that inspired the cinematographer to focus the viewers attention on a bulbous package. Ridiculous.
It's time to finish off our Ninja-threepeat with a follow up to our American Ninja episode in which Michael Dudikoff dons the role of Pvt. Joe Armstrong, teams up with Curtis Jackson and fights hordes and hordes of random ninja.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Wave - NetflixKnock Knock - Amazon PrimeMalibu Beach - Amazon PrimeWild Card - Who'd win in a Knife Fight?Hillary Clinton vs Donald TrumpAbout American Kickboxer 2 - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Well it looks like Sam Firstenberg moved in to your house, as evidenced by all of these ninja movies. Well that, the toilet’s full and the cat’s pregnant. Week three of ninja business presents us with another film which most likely knows nothing about ninjas. If it did Michael Dudikoff wouldn’t be playing one. It will be difficult for American Ninja 2: The Confrontation to live up to the previous not knowing anything about ninja standards set by Ninja 3: The Domination, in which a ninja is a crazy person/ghost who wants nothing more than to kill everyone everywhere, and Unmasking the Idol, wherein a ninja is a middle aged man who has bedroom eyes and a chain mail Eyes Wide Shut costume. Ian Hunter was actually in the original cut of Eyes Wide Shut but he was covered by digital furniture as the producers found his apparel and demeanor obscene. Can this possibly know less about ninjas then the previous ninja movies? Let’s find out together.
This was made during the downturn of the Golan and Globus run at Cannon Films. Though the Assault had won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film the year before, the amount of foreign language and art films that Cannon was financing with the ninja movies, along with the disastrous purchase of an upside down theater chain had numbered the days for Yoram and Menahem. This was when budgets at Cannon started dropping below 500k, reportedly. Several years later it would be discovered that all of the numbers were outright lies. For example this film was reported to cost $350k and make 4 million dollars. That is an outright lie. The only somewhat reliable report on the return was that it’s opening 10 day was a little over 1.5 million, which makes it seem like getting to 4 would have been more than a little miraculous. Though the budget was probably above $350k, it was also most likely much less than Firstenberg would have thought. This didn’t stop him from bringing the ruckus however. Most reviews of the time praise the action, which to me is mind blowing. It also was sidelined for a couple of recuts to get the R Rating, why is more strange. The cited problem was for excessive close ups during fight scenes. I am not sure how excessive fighting close ups could get a movie towards NC17. Did the original cut have a great deal of ECU ball punching? Did Steve James punch a guy in the butt causing his eyeballs to come out of his head like in Total Recall? Would that even get an NC17?
Worth Keeter's first Duncan Jax film is one of the film-world's must undiscovered gems. It's a glorious romp of all things awesome. If you like any fun film ever, then Unmasking the Idol is right up your alley. It's banana's in the best manner.
Somehow Unmasking the Idol has gone under the radar since its debut 30 years ago. Only 88 user ratings exist on IMDB (including the rating we gave). Host of Stinker Madness, Justin, has it as his 10th favorite bad movie of all time. That is enough right there to have this movie have at least 100 user ratings on IMDB.
Imagine a film with a ninja baboon. Not just a baboon that is dressed in a ninja costume for cuteness. Boon, the Baboon, is an actual ninja. He kills people. And then he has a bad attitude on top of it.
A little known film from 1986 that features untold amounts of ninjas, treasure, espionage, ninjas, 3-wheeler's, a baboon, a bad-ass Ford Ranger, and so many balloons comes to the show. This is one movie you won't want to miss.
Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe 5th Wave - StarzLondon Has Fallen - NetflixThe Wild Card - Who Wins in a Knife FightBoon (Unmasking the Idol) vs. Clyde (Every Which Way But Loose)About Unmasking the Idol (1986) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
The only thing you need to know is that Duncan Jax is the world’s most dangerous ninja, I guess. It is a rare occasion when a film applies a lower functional knowledge of ninjas than the Cannon Films library, but a rare occasion this is. Red rare, like the red of a baboon’s butt. If you like the red of a baboon’s but then you won’t be disappointed by this film. Yes that’s right there is a baboon in this movie.
One could really question if this is a ninja movie, or an animal side kick film. One could also question whether this is a James Rip off or an Indiana Jones rip off. Thankfully the answer to those and all the other questions about this film is “yes”. You can actually play a fun game with this film where you start to ask a question and then in the middle of it just say the word “yes”. For example: “Is he about to?”… “yes”, “Is that baboon going to use that on?”… “yes”. You can go on and on. I feel like the answer to most of the questions at the end of the full episode are going to simply be “yes”.
A deceased magical ninja with questionable motives possesses a telephone line working/aerobics instructor and gets her to revengify a bunch of cops who blew the ninja away (justifiably). Meanwhile, lasers, gymnastics, so much magic, and awful effects abound. Plus back hair and V8!
Ninja III may be the worst movie Cannon ever made. We're talking about Cannon here remember. This thing stinks so bad. The story is incredibly dumb/nonexistant, the action is completely ridiculous, the acting is awful, the shots are poorly staged, the effects are horrendous, dialogue is unbelievable and the complete lack of understanding life/people/reality is abundant. With that in mind, it adds up for so much fun. Wow, what a great bad movie.
It's a film like this that makes us feel lacking as reviewers of film, because this thing is just indescribable. Roger Ebert may not have been able to really figure out what Ninja III is. But watch it, I mean look at our star ratings for it!
This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!
Full time fan and part time contributor @MartiniShark shares his bombs of Summer 2016 list. Good stuff here. https://t.co/jp0St4fh4p
— Stinker Madness (@StinkerMadness) September 5, 2016Streaming Do's and Don'tsJaws - NetflixJaws II - NetflixJaws 3 - NetflixJaws: The Revenge - NetflixThe Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot - Ninja EditionQ: The word/kanji for Ninja didn't appear until the 20th century. What were they called before then?Q: First record of Ninja?Q: The ninja star, or Shuriken is probably the most notorious weapon used by ninjas. What was it's primary function? Q: Describe the garb of the ninja?Q: What is a kusarigama?Q: What's a kunoichi?About Ninja III: The Domination - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Sam Firstenberg is always first, when it comes to ninjas, or movies about ninjas, or movies that are supposed to have ninjas in them but really only have ninjas in the title and then the movie contains oddly dressed villains or heroes appearing as what the good people at Cannon Films would like us to believe are ninjas. Ninja III takes it’s first departure from reality by adding the number 3 to its name and trying to convince us, the savvy audience, that this is the final installment of a trilogy and not just the third ninja themed film that cannon put out starring Sho Kosugi. Firstenberg had previously directed Revenge of the Ninja, which should have been called Revisiting of the Last Ninja Script we did With a Kid Added. I went into greater detail on Firstenberg and his seemingly endless ninja/samurai filmography when we previously viewed American Ninja, which was Firstenberg and Golan’s righting of Cannons ninja ship that becomes lost at sea due to this film. So go back and listen to the prelude from American Ninja if you want to hear about it because I have new ground to cover, but not bodies to cover, because one of them is already covered – in hair.
In 2001, Mariah Carey decided to wreck thousands of lives and destroy Sam's affection for her visual appearance, primarily her face. While "glitter can't overpower the artist" Glitter can't even overpower it's own idiocy, racism, and sexism.
What? Glitter is a period-piece? This takes place in 1983? WTF? Why on Earth does it take place in 1983? The clothes, the cars, the music, the set pieces, the vernacular, NOTHING was done that says "Hey, it's 1983" except a bottom 1/3 graphic. It's screams that it's actually 2001. And 1983 serves absolutely no purpose to the story. None. If there was a bad movie award for poor and unnecessary choices and the subsequent execution of said choice, this would have been that categories Gone With the Wind.
So Mariah....is a pariah....to acting. Now that that terrible joke is over, she stinks. She truly looks lost and confused throughout the entire production. She appears to be on Quaaludes and just tripping balls at the production lights on the set. She's out of it completely. Unfortunately, her terrible performance is not a fun thing to view. It's not laughable or enjoyable. It's almost none-existent as this film hardly features any lines for her to screw up. So no fun there which this reviewer looked forward to the most. Bummer.
It's time for Jackie to choose another Razzie winning and highly nominated "musical". In 2001, men in ties decided to crap in our ears and eyes as the allow Mariah Carey to create her own movie about her career (sorta). Get ready for gluch....
Streaming Do's and Don'tsThe Curse of Sleeping Beauty - NetflixJustin's Top 5 80's Action Guys!
5. Kurt Russell - Escape from LA, The Thing, Big Trouble, Tango & Cash4. Chuck Norris - Delta Force, Firewalker, Invasion USA, Lone Wolf McQuade3. Jackie Chan - Project A, Meals on Wheels, Police Story, Armour of God2. Sly Stallone - All Rambos, Rocky IV, Cobra, Tango & Cash1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Conan, Commando, Predator, Running Man
Here's who is NOT on the list:Bruce Willis - Blow Hard IV - I'm a douchebagMel Gibson - Being in a film franchise where you make quirky faces and deliver lines at the speed Robin Williams tells jokes doesn't qualify as action guy.Carl Weathers - Action Jackson's lack of action is an instant out - nice backflip over a car though.Sigourney Weaver - Aliens is a shitty sequel and that's all she did.Honorable mentionsSonny LandhamCynthia RothrockBill DukeSho KosugiWild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?The Last Unicorn vs. Falcor the luck dragonAbout Glitter - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Since the early 90's, Mariah Carey has captivated the hearts and boners of teenage boys. In 2001, she decided to pull one of the grandest heists in all of history when she decided to simultaneously rob all of our spank banks with the release of Glitter. The film was apparently Carey’s brain child and she had been pushing the movie all about her and sparkles from early 1997. If we all recall the Mariah Carey hospitalization from exhaustion, which I didn’t, it delayed the release of the film by three weeks, which ultimately couldn’t have hurt the grosses as much as the film itself. It does have it’s fans though. John Wilson, the progenitor of the Golden Raspberry included this in his book of 100 most enjoyable bad films. Only Carey won a Razzie however. Freddy Got Fingered won the majority of the Razzies that year. Carey’s boobs even lost worst on screen couple to Tom Green and any animal he was abusing. 2001 was apparently a dark year in filmmaking history as films such as 3000 Miles to Graceland, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Swordfish, Pearl Harbor, and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles were unable to make it past the Razzie nomination stage due to Driven the aforementioned FGF, Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes and this pile of crap.
Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.
Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.
The comedic duo of Norris and Gosset Jr may not have quite the reputation as Abbot and Costello, or Laurel and Hardy but they shouldn't either. These are two of the least comedic people imaginable. Neither of them have any concept of delivery or timing. But in their defense there's not a lot to work with either. You might say that each joke is a classic "Dad Joke". Sounds awful, but somehow this film transcends bad comedy and comes around making it funny. It's one of those "this joke is so bad and not funny that it becomes funny" movies. Halfway through the movie your brain is so dumbed down that you end up laughing unironically at these stupid lines. Great stuff.
Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?
Re: My superpower of electromagnetic telekinesis at a cost:
@StinkerMadness use power on small stuff for a Domino affect. Fry a single necessary wire to cripple city blocks, o e braincell to kill? 9
Our good movie friend Tucker (If We Made It Podcast) stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.
Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action movie attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.
So the plot...John Matrix must confront a fat man in a yarn shirt who isn't the main villain to rescue his daughter who probably is just really bored. Along the way there is an incredible amount of ridiculousness but SOOO much awesomeness as well as Arnold tears through a ludicrous amount of bad guys. It's very easy to understand Matrix's motivations but every other character really doesn't have any. Why is Cindy so involved? What could Bennett possibly have to gain? How does Dan Hedaya's guy possibly expect to take over a country while he's just hanging out at home off the coast of California? None of it makes any sense.
To purge ourselves from the misery of last weeks movie we dowse ourselves in awesomeness and then light ourselves on fire (that was all figurative, in no way do we endorse lighting yourself on fire...unless you're a total tool, then go for it) and let Arnold take the show over it the quintessential action movie of the 1980s (maybe even ever) but still incredibly dumb, Commando.
Fall SMABFA ContendersBen-Hur - Uh, you know you screwed up here.Nine Lives - Thanks for telling our kids they are stupid and will like anything. Their not and they hated this.The Mechanic: Resurrection - Statham takes a shot at getting that Best Bad Movie title. Possible surprise one here.Rings - So what? Sumara lives in Netflix now? Come on it worked (barely) with VHS but 20 years later is too much later....The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad NeighborJoan Crawford - Mommie DearestThe Waits Family - Troll 2Mike Roark - VolcanoHarry Dalton - Dante's PeakAbout Commando (1985) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit
Mark L. Lester is making his second, but most likely not last visit, to Stinker Madness from the directors chair. His first film we covered was, of course, Showdown in Little Tokyo. This week's film Commando, is among his most popular, along side the cult classic Class of 1984 and the John Candy vehicle, Armed and Dangerous. Fortunately for us Lester is still turning out stinkers. His most recent effort is 2014's Dragons of Camelot, and it looks like a lot, of bull shit.
Commando would mark the first collaboration of two Hollywood Heavyweights, the late great James Horner and Matthew F. Leonetti. For all it's failings Commando manages to rise above it's dubious ending, silly bad guy and most of it's contemporaries. I attribute this to the combination of music and visuals that carry the bulk of the film. I can't ever decide if this or the score from 48 hours is what I consider to be the seminal 80's action movie score. Ultimately I don't have to, James Horner did both. Though Jerry Goldsmith was doing some great things, they were a more traditional orchestral score. Horner was pushing the limits of with a full sound that would strike the viewer with nearly abrasive high notes. When I think of action scores, I think of James Horner.
Here's a fun concept - take something as boring to watch as bowling and then make a movie that is just as boring about said boring thing. You've then got a very accurate representation of something super boring. Wow. Thanks a lot bowling movie.
Dreamer is arguably the most boring movie ever made. There's levels of bad that are definitely worse as far as film-making. See Manos, Monster-a-Go-Go, Sssssss, CHOMPS and so forth come to mind. The good thing about all those films is that there's at least something to either hate, scratch your head over, or just be angry about. This causes no emotions on any level. Its the least interesting film we've ever seen. Ever. No question.
I don't even know how to write an entire review. I guess I'll try to write the synopsis so here goes: Dreamer is about a guy who bowls.
In this week's podcast spectacular of majesty, we've dug into the vaults and pulled out a brown stain in sports film-making history from 1979. It's the tale of the super exciting world of bowling. What? You didn't know bowling could be exciting? Well put on your slippery shoes and grab your ball bag because we didn't either!
"Streaming" Do's and Don'tsDeadly Blessing - Amazon PrimeWarrior of Justice - IMDBFuture-Kill - IMDBThe Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
Our second of back to back "stupid volcano movies from 1997" is the possibly the least disastery of any disaster movies ever created. Spoiler alert - body count is 5 and a tiny hick town gets cleared off the map. It's fine since they were just a bunch of smug buttholes anyways.
So if Volcano should have been named "Lava; Not Volcano Really", then Dante's Peak should have been called "Volcano; No Lava Really". It's a perfect mirror in opposite land. The volcano is HUGE but has very little lava. In fact the only thing that lava kills in this film is some truck tires. Very strange.
In the film Volcano, the disaster is at least disastrous, somewhat. In Dante's Peak its very not that way. A town of about 3000 people gets wiped out but only 4 people die due to the volcano; 3 of them didn't even live there and one was an insane old bitch that NO ONE liked. It's pretty not disastrous; quite unlike the structure of this sentence.
Its obvious you like Stinker Madness, so subscribe to the podcast and get new episodes of Stinker Madness every week - on your phone, your tablet, your computer, however you like to listen! Once you’ve subscribed, free episodes will automatically download on Fridays and Mondays. Don't know what the hell a podcast is or what it means to subscribe? Enter the present: Click here.