Its our third year anniversary and we are cranking out another episode where we recap the best bad movies we've seen in the last year. So happy anniversary to us and we look forward to another year of fine film choosing. This episode we each countdown our 10-5 picks.
Its one of the worst box office flops that has ever existed and there's a reason for that. This movie stinks! But take some bad acting, bad action, terrible dialogue, and add in the "idiot plot" and you've got a great time ahead. Yo-ho, me scalped hardys!
Let's get the most common complaint about this film - Geena Davis as action lady. Sure, she stinks. She's got no action ability and looks horrendously awful on screen. Her movements aren't fluid and come at you at about the pace of a turtle. Her action is lumpy. There's just no other word, lumpy. She can't get a line right either.
In our FINAL Prelude episode (that's right, you heard it), we pull out all the stops for Cutthroat Island. It's known to be one of the biggest flops of cinema history and a career-ender for everyone involved except for the director who is at fault more than anyone.
The Wild Card from Justin - Pop Quiz, Hotshot (Pirate Edition)
Q. Pirates pierced their ears, not to look cool. Why? A. Believed precious gems in their ears improved one's eyesight.
Q. Why did pirates wear eye patches? A. To always have one eye adjusted to darkness to fight below deck in dark
Q. Women pirates! Name one. A. Anne Bonny stole the REvenge with Jack Rackham and pirated until it was captured. Mary Read partnered with Anne Bonny Sayyida al Hurra ruled mediterreanean in early 1500s Jeanne-Louise de Belleville led three black with red sail ships called the BLack Fleet taking revenge against King Philip VI for killing her husband. Ching Shih captured by pirates in 1801, then married their captain. When he died she took over the fleet of over 300 junks and 40,000 men. Chinese navy lost 63 ships to them.
Q. What was a pirates most popular form of crew punishment? A. Keelhauling - getting tied to the ship and dragged under, getting your skin torn off AND/OR drowning. Whhheeeee!!!
Q. Describe the most deadliest of pirate flags? A. Red background with an hourglass on it. Meant give no quarter.
The Wild Card from Sam - The Great Superpower Debate
The Magneto of Food or Mind Chef - 7/10 stars (with a caveat of Jackie just being grumpy, this is a 10/10 if there ever was one)
The Wild Card from Jackie - Would You Rather?
Be stabbed the Last Unicorn or eaten by Clifford the Big Red Dog
Drowning via Loch Ness Monster or Drawn and Quartered by Sasquatch
Not worth going over.....
About Cutthroat Island - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
When it comes to pirate movies, I like my swashbuckling hot and my pirates and pirate ladies hotter. People who wear leather and don’t take baths, covered in sea salt and bird shit. Wait that’s real pirates, who were most certainly gross. Movie pirates though, they have the hots all over. Jon Depp, Orlando Bloom, Matthew Modine… Wait Modine? Really? Do you want a pirate or a middle aged father who doesn’t understand his teenagers?
It's one of the crappiest movies ever to have such vast success. Thanks teenage girls. This movie is a whole lot of visual pain and my brain hurts from knowing how stupid it is. Get ready for some real crummy science!
The science....just one time open a book. Just once! So many explosions in space. So much NASA looking completely stupid. Ugh. Moving on...
This week on the greatest podcast about bad movies, Sam decides to punish us for 2 1/2 hours with both Michael Bay and Bruce Willis' first appearance on the show. It's the "classic" teenage-girl loving mega-hit, Armageddon, in which a rock gets sploded by oil drillers. Prepare for some bad science!
An endless troupe of soon-to-be-dead invade a protected jungle to achieve their cavalcade of ulterior motives set to the backdrop of civil war. There's also a talking trash-can, lasers, primacide, Reagan's Star Wars program, bad science, missiles, bad management and Ernie Hudson. It's time for some good ol' bonkers business.
Congo from opening shot to final frame is a mass of nonsense. At no point in time does anything feasible or scientifically sound happen throughout. It's like they took the original script, sent it to Bizarro World, then brought it back and used that version. None of it makes any damn sense.
Last year we made a hard decision that the classic Michael Crichton adaptation Congo was a must do for an episode and now we have reached the point where its time for such shenanigans. It's lasers, gorillas and greed and everything you want.
The novel Congo, written of course, by Michael Crichton in 1980, made a startling number of accurate predictions about future technology. When it came time make the movie, some 15 years later, those behind other Hollywood brain trust decisions, would include only two main technologies for the film version. These would most assuredly be the least intellectually palatable devices; the monkey talk box and, the by 1995 scientifically proven to be implausible laser gun. Another fabulous decision by the film-making team would be putting some hair on a brown trash can and making the declaration that it is a talking ape named Amy.
When it comes to making a title that is indicative of the plot, well this one nails it. Take 33% LA noir detective business, 33% chainsaw murders and 33 1/3% dancing topless hookers and you've got one of Fred Olen Ray's masterpieces. Hard to not love this blast o' laughs.
HCH (to save time) is hilarious...and quite intentionally. It's the opinion of this writer that Fred Olen Ray could have easily linked up with the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrahams. If only he had been involved during Jane Austen's Mafia. It may have not been the turd that it was. There's plenty of slapstick and parody that keep the viewer focused on the jokes more than the huge boobs (which is quite the achievement).
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor Couple's Edition
Tarzan and Jane
Barney and Betty Rubble
Joker and Harley Quinn
About Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
Fred Olen Ray has directed 16 films since the last time we talked about him, in fact he directed 3 films before I could get to the end of this sentence. Recently he commandeered Van Damme and Segal in order to highjack the Sniper franchise, Billy Zane liked it so much he’s pissing his pants right now. In total Ray has directed nearly 150 films. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is among his more popular films which would also include Bad Girls From Mars, Beverly Hills Vamp, Cyclone and the Wynorski collaborative effort Dinosaur Island.
Matt Damon and Oberyn Martell find themselves in the middle of the Battle for Helm's Deep with an Elven army posing as Chinese on one side and an horde of Orcs posing as aliens on the other. Yep...aliens. Our front runner for dumbest film ever made.
The plot of The Great Wall is easily the most poorly thought out plot since....well ever. Its dumber than Reign of Fire. It's dumber than Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It's dumber than After Earth AND Lady in the Water AND The Happening combined. It can't be understated how dumb this film's plot is. The only way you can argue the logistics of this "war" between the Chinese and space dog-lizards is that both sides are complete morons.
We all lost a huge part of our show and entertainment in general in the passing of Bill Paxton. He was a one of a kind type of actor and while that may seem cliche to say in the wake of someone's death in Hollywood, we'll stand by it. Bill had a depth that few possess, taking roles as varied as the pyschotic Severen in Near Dark (and is the only reason to watch the movie) to the silly Matt Owens in (Slipstream) to the model for a douche in Simon from True Lies (and steals the comedic show from Arnold and Arnold) to the warm but frightened Fred Haise in Apollo 13. The guy could play anything.
So with that in mind, we tackle the 1996 disasterooney of Twister. With all its cliches and tropes that run rampant in the disaster genre, can the immensely popular film stand up to 20 years of time since its release? Who is this Helen Hunt lady? How did Phillip Seymour Hoffman become a thing? Is that a flying cow? All this and more revealed in our podcast episode. Listen to it!
We get straight to weezin' the juice as a caveman gets called out for being, well...a caveman. It's that old story of boy meets girl, boy gets frozen in a glacier and then boy meets potheads and learns the wonders of the doobage.
Encino Man is a movie that shouldn't be any fun at all. But it is. End of story. It has that strange ability to be not funny but fun throughout. It's outlandish, ridiculous, and stupid but never stops being a wild ride.
After weeks of pitching a fit, Jackie is subjected to a film she appears to be not much of a fan of. It's the story of a caveman frozen in ice for millennia only to thawed out in early 90's SoCal....what possibly horrors will he (or us) face in Encino Man?!?!
The Stinker Madness Academy Award Special!
We take a look at each of the films and share our meat and two bits with you! That makes this episode a bit on the long side but we had quite a bit to say about this years field. There will be spoilers so be careful!
The hottest awards for bad films in 2016 are here and the winners are all set. Listen to the 2016 SMABFA Podcast and check out all the nominees and winners below.
And the Nominees & Winners are (winner in bold):
Best Bad Movie - The Most Enjoyable Bad Movie
London Has Fallen
Gods of Egypt
Independence Day: Resurgence
Worst Bad Movie - The Least Enjoyable Bad Movie
Best Bad Actor - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Male Actor
Gerard Butler - Gods of Egypt
Brent Spiner - Independence Day: Resurgence
Gerard Butler - London Has Fallen
Christopher Walken - Nine Lives
Kevin Spacey - Nine Lives
Best Bad Actress - Most Enjoyable Performance by a Female Actor
Margot Robbie - Suicide Squad
Maika Monroe - The 5th Wave
Vivica A. Fox - Independence Day: Resurgence
Emily Blunt - The Huntsman: Winter's War
Charlize Theron - The Huntsman: Winter's War
MST3K Most Riffable - The easiest and most fun to make fun of film while viewing
Gods of Egypt
The 5th Wave
Independence Day: Resurgence
Worst Bad Actor - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Male Actor
Jared Leto - Suicide Squad
Jesse Eisenberg - Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice
Johnny Depp - Alice Through the Looking Glass
Daniel Radcliffe - Now You See Me 2
Jeff Goldblum - Independence Day: Resurgence
Worst Bad Actress - Least Enjoyable Performance by a Female Actor
Jennifer Garner - Nine Lives
Anne Hathaway - Alice Through the Looking Glass
Jennifer Aniston - Mother's Day
Kate Hudson - Mother's Day
Cara Delevingne - Suicide Squad
The SMABFA awards will be listed on this page and presented on the Stinker Madness podcast as a special episode released on February 13th, 2016 at approximately 10AM MST. Make sure to tune into the Stinker Madness Podcast and listen to the SMABFA Awards Show.
USA Gold Medal magnet, Kurt Thomas, stars as John Cabot, a USA Gold Medal magnet/super secret agent/diplomat to strange lands. So he solo invades Parmistan, an absolutely insane country, to play "The Game" to get a satellite substation. Well that makes perfect sense!
Gymkata is serious shenanigans. It could be argued that it's the most bonkers movie we've reviewed and definitely the most poorly thought out. While most might focus on the unawesome martial art that combines gymnastics and karate (which puts it in the Streaming Do's and Don'ts realm) the country of Parmistan is our focus. Parmistan is impossible. It can't work. How does diplomacy work? Do they have foreign trade? Is their military only made of ninja or are they more like the secret police? Is there a system of government besides the Khan? I personally believe that someone, probably Pakistan, would have bombed Parmistan back into the Stone Age, but Parmistan never got out of the Stone Age so I guess bomb them back to the times of the dinosaurs (they may also have dinosaurs).
This week on the podcast we gear up for one of the most notorious bad movies ever made and a hallmark of stupidity. When you need to invade a country that doesn't make any sense, send in an Olympic Gold Medalist!
The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
Immunity to negative drug side effects - 7.75 out of 10 stars
Roseanne gets "vengeance" upon a hubby-stealing romance novelist, by destroying her own life, abandoning her children, treating other's as pawns in her master plan, and exploiting the weak and trusting women in need that the films tells you she is freeing from oppression. This thing is a mondo-turd.
I hate this movie. I'll make no apologies to start. It's not funny. It's infuriatingly preposterous and at no point can one sympathize or appreciate any of the characters. They are the "basket of deplorables" that I believe Mrs. Clinton was speaking about; politics aside, she just hated these three people. Let's start with the easy spots: Ed Begley's Bob and Meryl Streep's Mary. The viewer isn't supposed to like them. They are the antagonists with Bob being an emotionally abusive and cheating husband (with a side order of being a buffoon) and Mary, an egotistical, spoiled and sociopathic bitch (for lack of a better word). Sure, they're the bad guys. You shouldn't like them. But in a comedy, you should enjoy them. In this POS, the screen-time shared between Begley and Streep comes across as a poor impression of The Three Stooges (minus 1). "Wow, aren't they zany!?" said the producer. The audience responds by pissing on said producer's pants.
Roseanne Barr and Meryll Streep join up to deliver the yucks and yuck is what they deliver in a tale about a scorned middle-American housewife revengifying the atrocities committed upon her person and also liberating womankind from oppressions. She just makes things worse....
@StinkerMadness Inappreciate you guys redoing a whole show to get it on the air. Technical difficulties suck. It happens. Still funny ?
Terrence Hill and Bud Spencer put on their best Abbott & Costello hats and deliver the hijinxs en masse. It's a banana show of endless goofs and shenanigans that never lets off the gas.
The problem with this movie is....nothing. This is just a great legitimate comedy. We didn't laugh AT this movie, we laughed with it. The jokes are timed impeccably. They are new and fresh and unique. While completely outlandish and bonkers, this film never gets into that dangerous 70's live-action cartoon territory (we're talking to you C.H.O.M.P.S.). It's brilliant and a model for classic slap-stick that put the Zucker brothers in such high standing.
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor (Buddy Cops)
Riggs & Murtaugh - Lethal Weapon
Cates & Hammond - 48 Hrs.
About Odds and Evens - Movie Information
Sam's Boring Bullshit
Carlo Pedersoli was still a member of the Italian National Swim Team and Water Polo Team when he started his acting career around 1950. The younger Marco Girroti similarly was discovered around the same time. The two would individually muddle through bit parts and lower profile roles before the two were cast together in the 1967 western, God Forgives… I Don’t. Director Giueseppe Colizzi recommended the two adopt less Italian sounding names as Italian budget films were beginning to put quite a few butts in seats worldwide. Girroti would take the name Terence Hill and Pedersoli would assume the moniker Bud Spencer. Girroti’s was tasked with choosing names from lists while Pedersoli came up with Bud Spencer as homage to Spencer Tracy and Budweiser beer. The two would go on two star with one another in over 20 buddy pictures. Though some films may be more well known, say Lethal Weapon or 48 Hrs., the heart and soul of the buddy film lies with these two.
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