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Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
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We take a look at the Kevin Costner and Kevin Reynolds epic turd that is Robin Hood. With special guests Hobbits, stunt butts, fisheye lenses, and a plot that makes absolutely no sense....oh and Shaun and Chelsea. Tallyho!

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: Bad Movie Quality:

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Flash Gordon

Flash Gordon
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Let the war for Planet Mongo begin! Its the QB of the New York Jets vs. Max Van Sydow's evil eyebrows, endless robots (are they robots?) and people that bleed oil. This is one bad movie...that rules.

Sam J. Jones from Playgirl and The Dating Game fame takes on the complex and emotionally challenging role of Flash Gordon, a guy who gains super fighting skills when holding things somewhat shaped like footballs. When the evil guy from Planet Mongo makes the weather of the world gets pretty messed up and natural disasters happen such as "Volcano, Volcano Eruption and Hot Hail", Flash Gordon must fall asleep on space rocket, fall in love by holding hands, and then wander around a few planet/moons/asteroids until he can unite the tribes of Mongo in order to stop Emperor Ming.

This film is really really really bad. It's fun, I'll disclaim, but it truly is a giant train wreck. It's made on the scale of a Cecil B. DeMille movie but looks about as good as a Roger Corman film. It's ridiculous. The set pieces are giant, the costumes are lavish and the visual effects are outlandish. But each piece is super super super dumb.

The story is truly stupid. Ming's motivations are pretty vague. We guess he wants to destroy the world because the citizens of Earth knows who he is. So Flash falls asleep on a rocket that ends up on Ming's homeworld. Ming doesn't like him because he's handsome or maybe it's because he's incredibly stupid and a bit of a dick. Flash must unite some planets of guys that don't make sense to take down Ming and his empire that doesn't make sense.

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Never Too Young to Die

Never Too Young to Die
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What happens if you turn a gymnast into an action hero, a trashy whore into super spy, James Bond into a Ben-Gay ad, and Gene Simmons into a lady-boy? Why you get this DTV gem of a movie, duh! Uncle Jesse saves the world from dirty water and Gene Simmons gives us a "too believable" performance. YEEEEAHH!

So John Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a gymnastic champ who's father is a top secret agent (played by George Lazenby). When Lance's father dies preventing a group of hooligans from doing something unknown, Stargrove must take over the family business and stop Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), a transgender sociopath with dreams of world domination (we guess). Stargrove is helped out by Danja (Vanity) and his tech buddy Cliff (Peter Kwong).

Some bad movies have a great beginning and a great ending but the middle is dry and dull. This is often due to lack of a budget or lack of imagination in the writing. Never Too Young to Die is not one of those films. This thing comes in hot and never cools down with scene after scene of shenanigans that you look for in a classic stinker. From the unforgettable theme song (entitled Stargrove, naturally) to the climatic and preposterous battle on top of a dam between Stargrove and Von Ragner, this one is solid gold.

Stamos and Simmons deliver incredibly memorable performances and attempt to duke it out on who is the most ridiculous. Stamos being an action hero is tremendously silly with his gymnastics, smooth hair and his Warner Bros cartoon style of love-making. Yet, Simmons takes the cake. His performance is almost too good and makes us have some serious questions about Gene in the 80s. 

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Action Jackson

Action Jackson
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It's time for Jericho Jackson to try to live up to his nickname, yet for some reason he avoids the action for 3/4 of the movie. But when the action hits, boy does it hit. Vanity is the worst lounge singer of all time, Craig T. Nelson knows karate (at least his stunt guy does), and Sharon Stone just can't stay alive or happily married in any movie she's in. Get ready for some nonsense.

Action Jackson is named very inaccurately. When it comes to action, Jericho dials it up to about a 3. He spends most of his time not performing any action. He almost seems more like a stock broker than an action guy. Yes we know he jumps over a car, but the rest of the time he just kind of wanders around and asks people what the hell is going on around him. He's essentially the worst detective ever. Everyone knows the plot of the film except him (and us). The entire plan of the villian (Craig T. Nelson) is revealed to him by a beautician who has absolutely no contact with anyone or any events in the movie. Uhm...what?

Craig T. plays a guy named Delaplane who's motivation is to keep his hair from staying the same color, revolutionize the auto industry by building a Fiero, and bang drug addicts. He's married to Sharon Stone who gets murdered (was she the 90's version of Sean Bean?) because she asks a question. He can also do karate. You heard it. Coach can do karate. It may be one of the worst castings for a karate guy of all time. I'm not buying it.

We found this film to be a let down. If we wanted to see guys just walking around, we'd just watch LOTRs again. It's good enough to view but it's a definite disappointment.

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The Beastmaster

The Beastmaster
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Let the ferrets fly and the tigers die as Jeff and Tucker from If We Made It podcast show up to help us try to make sense of The Beastmaster. Does PETA show up to put a stop to the madness? Does Tanya Roberts save the movie by letting the ladies out? Does anyone get 'sploded? (Spoiler alerts - no, yes, yes - respectively)

This movie is completely nuts. Its a complete knockoff of Conan, but so wild in every way, it stands on its own. Beastmaster has some pretty vague powers, villians have pretty vague motivations and relationships, minions wear helmets that don't allow them to see anything, bat-people may or may not make soup, and people disappear randomly for much of the movie. It's great.

How this film didn't get shut down with animal cruelty is a pretty big mystery. Most people know that the tiger that was painted black to become a panther died, but the incredible feat is how many ferrets must have been murdered. They fly across the screen all the time; they had to have hired a guy just to toss ferrets. Another falls to his death, another drowns, god knows how many were eaten by the eagle. 

Really this film has all the things you want in a bad sword and sandal film. In fact, it may be more fun than Deathstalker. Its just one scene after another that can be stand alone discussions in ridiculousness. From the start with the butter-face witches to the Dar's training to Tanya Roberts incredible knockers, to child sacrifice rescue dummy to the biggest explosion ever caught on film. Whatever "it" is, this film has "it." Fantastic bad movie.

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Noah

Noah
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We apologize for the poor audio on this episode. We had a new computer setup and frankly we don't know what the hell we're doing. But you all seem to like what we do so keep on'a listenin'.

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The first half is "The Bible as told by Tolkien". The second half is Cape Fear (no really). And the entire thing is sprinkled with crap. It's Noah and it's arguably the worst movie ever to see a theater release. 

We honestly can't see what anyone sees as good in this film. I guess it's full of action, but there is very little good storytelling here. Its purely built around the action and effects, which really doesn't help because the action is incredibly dumb and the effects look absolutely terrible. Tons and tons of CGI that looks pretty rubbery. Then there's battle-action Noah. Where did Noah learned to fight like Legolas?

Darren Aronofsky has wanted to make this movie since he was 13 years old. So this film is truly written by a child and it shows. It's as if a young Darren saw all the 70's disaster movies and then teamed up with Robert Hamburger to write this film. It's really poorly thought out, has 10,000 plot holes (and not just the story of Noah, but the film within the world of Noah).

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Half Past Dead

Half Past Dead
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Sam brings in Steven Seagal for his first time on Stinker Madness with his last time in the theaters and the reason for that becomes quite apparent. Oh and would someone please just off Ja-Rule within the first 4 minutes of this movie...please???? It's got Alcatraz, it's got gun fights, it's got slap fighting and it's also got all the characters from The Matrix! What could possibly be wrong with this film?

You know those movies that just get so boring after the first 5 minutes of action? This is one of those. It's really boring. Its quite hard to get attached to anything that is going on. Its another instance of characters and actors that you just want removed from your TV. It's also just a capsule of everything wrong with 2002. Its a long music video for any rap-rock band. Ick.

Ja Rule.....ugh. This guy sucks. Sucks so bad. He plays the obligatory tough street hood in just about any Seagal movie, yet he's the least tough guy ever caught on film. He constantly makes this squinty poopy face like a dog does when its curious or as if he's just taking bathroom selfies throughout the whole thing. He's worse than DMX. He's on par with Coolio.

If you know later Seagal films, you'll know that his fight style becomes vague, darkened slap-fighting that isn't exciting in anyway. Mostly because you have no clue what the hell is going on other than that Seagal is winning by inferance. This film really is the start of this style of Seagal films so expect so of that garbage. The rest of Seagal's performance is completely unremarkable.

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Deathrace 2000

Deathrace 2000
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VROOOM and SPLOOSH take center stage as David Carradine makes mince-meat out of pedestrians and Sly Stallone shows us the meaning behind "Mr. The Turbo".  This one is ground-zero stinker!

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Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: Bad Movie Quality:

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Teen Witch

Teen Witch
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Hang on to your eye of newt and your spider legs! You're about to drink a powerful witch's brew of bad movie business. Betrayal, conceit, lust, and greed take over this week in a trip back to the 80's. You're going to be the most popular girl!

This movie is nanners. It seems amazingly offensive to just about any group of people in the world, including females, teenagers, morals, parents, teachers and probably even witches. The witch trials were a better era for witches than Teen Witch. The movie is about an unpopular girl in high school who uses magic powers to win the heart of a statutory rapist, in the process ruins the life of her friends and family. She's an awful person. Her beau is about the biggest b-hole in the world so they may be perfect for each other but combined they are like Stalin marrying Lizzie Borden. Pure evil!

Most people will note this film for its horrible music. Rap battles, cheer songs about boys, on stage performances from a Sheena-E knockoff, the list goes on. The interesting thing about the music is the sheer volume which lends this film to be considered a musical, however we can't agree because each of the musical sequances take place in the reality of the world and the world is presented as if it is our world. I think these musical pieces aren't there for pure entertainment like true musicals do; they are there because they are part of the characters life. It's pretty weird. However, each musical number is purely ridiculous and can each be viewed on their own for their LOL-ability.

This is truly a bad movie. The irony is that in its offensiveness it brings together people of all genders, races, creeds, and colors in the level of enjoyment of how bad it is. If everyone in the world enjoyed bad movies as much as we do, this film would be the primary force for world peace. It transcends bad. It's story is as preposterous as The Room, the pure 80s garbage as Milli Vanilli, yet as enjoyable as tough guy bad movies as Deathrace 2000, Invasion USA and Hard Target. Teen Witch is a must see for any movie fan.

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Freejack

Freejack
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We take a look into the future where Mick Jagger gets to be an action star, no one ages, and that fava-beans and chianti guy gets paid his day rate. Emilio Estevez stars as Alex Furlong, a race car driver that gets exploded into the future so that he can get "bone-jacked" for a rich man's immortality....we think. The future doesn't make a whole lot of sense to us humble 2014 people.

Emilio and Jagger are really quite bad actors in this film. They both are terrible but in completely opposite ways. Jagger is thoroughly wooden and puts little to no effort into his role. While Estevez does his best Jim Carrey and overacts each scene. He's like that desperate person at the end of the bar at midnight that tries way too hard to be your friend. This duo play enemies so the opposing acting makes up for some fun unintentional comedic chemistry.

There's some pretty weird things in the future as well. Everybody shoots at each other yet cities seem to be fairly pleasant aside from the flying bullets. Time and space do not have properties in people's dwellings as most apartments in the film have secret rooms and doors that can't physically exist in the building space, at least in the world that we understand. Toss in Alex and Julie Redlund's (played by Rene Russo) relationship with their literal on-screen butt kissing and quite unrealistic dialogue, you've got a story world that involves a lot of head scratching for the viewer.

All in all, Freejack is a movie that makes little sense, with the majority of the story being cut from the book as unimportant. Well for bad movie lovers this is a good thing because there's very little wasted time on things like plot or character development. Just action, crazy dialogue, vague villainy, a physically impossible world, and a cinematic sequence of events that all lead up to one heck of a good time.

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Over the Top

Over the Top
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Truck stops, crummy arm wrestling, and terrible parenting make up this weeks stinker and P.U. does this one stink! Stallone plays a mediocre trucker, a "good" arm-wrestler and maybe the worst parent ever. How the hell Leonard Part 6 won the Razzie over this turd is a travesty.

So the film revolves around Lincoln Hawk (Stallone) and his son, Michael (David Mendenhall), rekindling their relationship after 10 years of neglect. They do this by truckin' and arm wrastling. As children actor's go, David Mendenhall is pretty bad. You'd really like to step on this kid within 4 minutes of the film. It's very fitting that Stallone's Lincoln Hawk appears to completely ignore the existence of him as his son.

The relationship between the two of these people is astounding. One minute it is just preposterous as Hawk is such a total dirtbag to his son (he's late to his child's graduation because he's gotta take his shirt off and wash his truck) and the next minute is super creepy with child cuddling in a truck cab. Ick. It also tells us that a child's relationship with his father is much more important than the future of the child's life. Michael starts the film out by graduating from military school with honors and finishes the film by giving up everything to become a truck-driving arm wrestler. Nice. Maybe the film is an accurate depiction of how awful awful awful parents can really screw up a child. Or maybe it's just that someone doesn't know how to make a character likable in any way.

The film is supposed to be a feel good, heart warming tale but instead is just an awful story about a father who should be arrested for child neglect and child endangerment.

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Bending the Rules

Bending the Rules
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Judging movies by their covers back-fires on us as we get duped into watching a non-wrestling "wrestling" movie. Jamie Kennedy and Edge slap us in the mouth, with special guest Mark.

At some point in time, some bonehead named David Calloway got it in his head that making movies starring wrestlers in serious roles was a good idea. He's the executive producer behind such "good ideas" as Legendary (John Cena), Knucklehead (Paul Wight or The Big Show), The Chaperone (Paul Levesque or Triple H), The Reunion (John Cena) and 2012's borefest Bending the Rules. These movies all say one thing: "Hey Hollywood, we can make top notch movies that rival the likes of David O' Russell and Cameron Crowe AND star the top wrestlers of the day". What? No! If we want to see wrestlers in film it better damn well be action packed with ludicrous stunts and fight scenes. Even though it is a terrible film, No Holds Barred is SO much more entertaining and should be the bar set for WWE produced films. Stop this shit, now. (Editor's note - Bending the Rules is the last film that David Calloway has produced so hopefully someone got the message).

So Jamie Kennedy and Edge to their best attempt at the Lewis and Martin routine. Kennedy is a goofball lawyer while Edge is a dead pan tough cop on the outside of the law. Unfortunately, Kennedy's Lewis is more of the look into the brain of an asshole than it is a goofball and Edge's Martin is some of the most wooden acting ever caught on film.

The film suffers not just from this acting but a painfully boring and so told-too-many times plot of a cop that "bends the rules" gets paired together with a "by the book" district attorney to fight crime. This leads to the film being more jokes and gags than anything plus a bunch of action (see again - HE'S A GODDAMN WRESTLER!!!) but neither of these things take place in the film. You spend your time sitting in a car or walking around town with these two idiots while the film tries to make you like them as people. It never works at any point.

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Invasion USA

Invasion USA
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Sam, Jackie and Justin delve into the intense neo-political sub-tones of Invasion USA...and all the Spolsions. Chuck Norris wears a curly mullet and tells you, "It's time to die" unless he doesn't also have a rocket launcher. BOOM!

So the fun thing about Invasion USA is Chuck Norris' impenetrable calmness. No matter what happens on screen, he's completely deadpan throughout and never raises his voice above a whisper ("Time to die, Rostov"). It's an achievement in non-excitement. Just look at the movie poster and imagine Chuck doing insane things with that expression on his face all the way.

The plot of this film is pretty ridiculous as well. There's some plan by an unknown group of assorted bad guys who appear to be from all over the world. It's affirmative action bad guy group as there's Russians, Cubans, Middle Eastern guys, and probably some Madagascans in there as well. Sam believes that they are mercenaries from all over and are only in it for the money. We still aren't sure what "it" is that they are in for, but it appears to be just invading the suburbs of Florida. Maybe it's just for general terror but then, how do you pay the mercenaries?

As is tradition, with most Chuck Norris movies the fun lies in the action and Chuck delivering one-liners. Chuck has the power of plot convenience as he knows where the bad guys are about to cause their unique bad-guylery and springs into action from whatever location looks the most bad-ass. Sometimes he jumps on them from on top of 3 stories buildings or from his bitchin' 4x4. He also has unlimited ammo, of course.

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Masters of the Universe

Masters of the Universe
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Good journey! Ever wanted He-Man to leave Eternia and show up in YOUR town. Well this week he does just that along with the rest of his goons and Skeletor..ish.

There's some really dumb bits about this film but they are so dumb that they makes it fun. The costumes are just as ridiculous as the special effects and the set designs. There is some pretty rad action sequences that are pretty laughable such as the Centurions who have some flying jet-skis that look pretty bad. However the laughs are few and far between as the movie mostly consists of some guys wandering around and groan-worthy moments of the Eternia people not understanding life on Earth.

Unfortunately, He-Man himself kinda blows. He's more of a gun-guy than a sword wielding power-man. Dolph Lundgren (He-Man) does his best with his very limited English speaking abilities so it's really not his fault. It just seems like no one involved had a concept of who He-Man was or had ever seen what he's all about. I understand that the budget was very minimal to work with but instead of just using the budget to get as close to He-Man as possible, they instead just change the character to fit with other action movies. It just doesn't work.

In the end, this film is quite bad. The character motivations are dubious and if you take the time up to come up with your own theories about what they are trying to achieve, you're left with a plot that's got some pretty big plot holes. The acting is wonky, especially with Frank Langella and Meg Foster. But truly the primary problem is that it's just too damn boring, unless you like movies about people wandering to and fro with little aim.

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