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Corvette Summer

Corvette Summer
Corvette Summer Corvette Thing
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Its the story of a virgin teaming up with a very loose woman on the hunt of an ugly car. It stars Mark Hamill and Annie Potts and its called Corvette Summer. Its possibly the greatest love story told in a bad movie and is one step away from actually being a good movie. But an ugly car, poor production values, and plot holes keep it from getting there.

So Mark Hamill plays a recent high school grad, named Kenny who is a mechanical wizard, but a socially awkward virgin. Kenny has rebuilt a Corvette Stingray as part of his high school shop class. The car gets stolen on its first day out and Kenny is heart-broken. He gets a tip that the car is in Vegas so Kenny goes in search of it. Along the way, he meets a "hooker in training" named Vanessa (Annie Potts) who helps him out by letting him live in her van and search for the car.

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Can't Stop the Music

Can't Stop the Music
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The very first Razzie winner gets an in depth look and wow, is it bad. It truly is worse than Xanadu (which we feel is quite the achievement). Its a fake biopic of how the Village People became successful but has no basis of reality. And we should mention that its super gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).

The film builds a universe that is not something we want to have anything to do with. People don't have jobs, people just come in and out of people's homes, random people off the street get pulled into parties without wanting to come to and people have NO concept of how anything works in real life. New York is built to be Camelot from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail (Never mind, let's not go to Camelot. Ti's a silly place.) We would not like to go there.

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Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii
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We go for a ride with Hard Ticket to Hawaii, directed by bad movie hall of fame director, Andy Sidaris. Expect guns, boobs, jokes, ridiculous action sequences, splosions, more boobs, tough guys and gals and don't forget there's a snake in this movie!

It's the first film in the Sidaris collection that features Donna and Taryn, two rad hot chicks who work for The Agency, the super secret government organization that fights crime, drugs, kidnappers and terrorists. This time to duo team up with Rowdy Abilene and a karate guy named Jade to take down a drug dealer in Hawaii. Along the way, they make sure to take their shirts off whenever they feel like it, free a giant mutated snake, face a skate-boarding assasin, and play some deadly frisbee on the beach. 

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

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Zombeavers

Zombeavers
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Take beavers, add radioactive waste, a cabin in the woods scenario and you've got the idea behind Zombeavers. Add annoying characters, a series of missed opportunities, confusion on what the film is trying to do, doing the dog in the wrong way, and far too many unintentional cliches to be bothered with. If you enjoyed films like Cabin Fever, Cabin in the Woods, or Dale and Tucker Versus Evil then this film is a platform for disappointment. This is much more like Wolf Cop. Bummer.

The primary problem with the film is that it doesn't know what it is. Is it a comedy that takes a satirical look at all of the tropes of your typical budget monster movie? Or is it just a crapped out, lazily written horror movie that doesn't bother to create anything new other than that the antagonist is furry beavers? There's points of the movie where you think "Oh good they get it and this is going to be fun" such as the opening with John Mayer and Bill Burr, or bothering with much of a scientific explanation of the beavers being zombies or instead of when bitten you just become a zombie of whatever species you are, you become a zombeaver version of whatever species you are. But then it trips over a plethora of plot details that get setup but go absolutely no where or fail to deliver the right joke that is blatantly staring the audience right in the face. Its like someone is pitching the script perfectly at a writer who has never swung a bat before. Swing and miss. Swing and miss.

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Slipstream

Slipstream
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Bob Peck goes for a ride in a plane with Bill Paxton and along the way the pair go on a personal journey and discover who they really are. Oh and Mark Hamill chases them in his airplane as well. Its one hell of a hot mess, with confusing plot lines, unstated character roles, and mentions to major plot hubs that never get flushed out. But its still a pretty fun ride.

Somewhere in Slipstream is a good movie. There some really cool science fiction ideas, gorgeous aerial footage, questions raised about what life truly is and solid concepts about life in a post-apocalyptic world. This really could have been a movie that people respected and possibly not cost Gary Kurtz his movie career. We don't think that it ever would have been a really successful film but a good ol' muligan may have turned this into a pretty popular film.

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Captain America

Captain America
Is Peyton Manning Captain America?
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Matt Salinger dons the role of weak but honorable Steve Rogers and becomes Captain America as part of the Super Soldier Program so that he can be strong enough to stop the Nazi equivalent, the Red Skull. Sound familiar? Well that's about all this film has in common with anything that you know about Cap. The rest is pretty much the dumbest hot mess that you could possibly imagine.

Albert Pyun's Captain America is maybe the worst adaptation of a single character that has ever been made. Matt Salinger is awkward moving at all times and shows absolutely no athletic ability. Captain America is a bit of a dick as he really shows little concern for other people. He's about as smart as a box of hair. He really never succeeds in any mission nor is he ever known by the world as a WWII superhero, even though when he is unthawed the world seems to care, despite having never heard of him before.

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Universal Soldier

Universal Soldier
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Dolph and Jean Claude square off with the assistance of Roland Emmerich in the blockbuster film, Universal Soldier. The idea is that there is a military program that takes dead soldiers and reanimates them, while erasing their memories so that they can become undead badass guys. Are they zombies? Or just slightly retarded guys with guns?

The film is a very early Roland Emmerich work and really lays the foundation for his career. All of the staples that you see in a Roland Emmerich film are setup here. Plot details that just get glossed over (JCVD's accent for example), punchlines that involve people looking quizzically at each other after something ridiculous happens, action shots that seem crazy but you just really can't tell what's happening...Of course, JCVD also delivers some of the staples of his films as well including excessive shots of his butt and a lack of explaining his ethnicity. Dolph is just Dolph.

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American Kickboxer 2

American Kickboxer 2
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American Kickboxer 2 is a one of a kind achievement in horrendously bad acting, awful dialogue, poorly performed stunts, and incredibly stupid plot. It really is a perfect storm in bad action movies. With this combined tour de crap, it becomes a laugh a second tornado of awesomeness. This is too rad to ignore.

Essentially, a rich family's child is kidnapped and the mother has to recruit two tough guys from her past to rescue her. Sounds simple right? Well lets try this again. The owner of a successful plumbing company has a slightly mentally handicapped child who gets kidnapped by action guys. She contacts her tough guy ex-husband and her tough guy ex-lover and explains to both of them that they have an 8 year old child and that she's been kidnapped. The two tough guys then proceed to fight each other more than bad guys until a hooker tells them that a warehouse that stores guys who don't actually work there and just have upstairs "Fight Club" also contains the kidnapped child. At that point they end up having to fight each other to the death, when a pothead frees here by using cockroaches. Movie ends with an implied three-way. Wow.

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The Wraith

The Wraith
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Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Randy Quaid and Nick Cassavetes do battle with making sense as The Wraith and vengeance storm Arizona.

This movie is sweet. It's a real brainbuster as to why this isn't a more widely known film. If you were born as a male from 1975-1985 and you had seen this film at about the age of 11, it would have easily been your favorite film. Its got everything you could want: sweet cars, racing, cool guys, explosions, boobs, and a sprinkling of some magic baloney. We can only figure that because there's 4 sets of boobs in it that most parents wouldn't let their children see it. Well guess what, now we're all adults and this movie should be a big deal. If you haven't seen this, stop what you're doing and go watch it. It's for you.

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Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
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Russ and Roger go beyond in this under-whelming tale of how LA is tough on people, I guess. It's really a tale of people having banter that doesn't work for the viewer and then boning. Nothing happens in the film until 90% of the way through. We say less banter, more boobies.

We'll just go ahead and say that this was a massive disappointment. We were hoping for some really far out zany business with a nice backdrop of solid chests. Unfortunately, its mostly just music video, party, banter, music video, party, banter, tame boning, music video, banter, party, wedding, credits. This formula equals a sum of boring for 3/4 of the film. The pacing and writing seem to try to shock the viewer but I can't even imagining in 1970 that this film was shocking. Its as if you are told that people can be gay and then the person telling you this looks at you as says "Aren't you shocked? You must be shocked? That's SOOOO shocking" while you look at this person and wonder if they've ever been outside. How naive did Russ and Roger think people were in 1970? People have sex and do drugs?!?! Whoa...

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Megaforce

Megaforce
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We complete Carl's Inaction in Action trilogy with one of the most ridiculous movies ever made. The leaders of the world have confirmed the existence of Megaforce. They are then hired by a crusty old man to blow up his helicopter.

We all feel that Megaforce is absolutely necessary if you love bad movies. Sam has it in his Hall of Fame. It's required viewing. If you haven't seen this please take 99 minutes and watch this on YouTube. Its a great time and the laughs never stop coming.

One of the greatest debates of all time is what does Megaforce actually do? What do they accomplish? What is this movie about? What happens? There are as many theories to the answers of these questions as there are about the meaning of life.

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Furious 7

Furious 7
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I think you may not need us to tell you whether you should view this film or not, because you've already seen it. Everyone on Earth has already seen it. This movie is a bigger deal than The Beatles, Moses, and Channing Tatum's undies rolled into one. So instead here's just some general thoughts.

The Fast and The Furious franchise is maybe the best thing that Universal has ever given the world. Its single movie viewing experience that has a little bit for everyone. People from all walks of life love this shit. You could find yourself sitting next to the Mayor or a homeless man in the theater and at one point you'll give either of them high-fives. We should drop these movies out of airplanes instead of bombs and there would be peace.

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The Fast and the Furious (1955)

The Fast and the Furious (1955)
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In one of Roger Corman's first films, one guy gets framed for manslaughter (as best as we can guess) and must steal a Jag and a lady to escape to Mexico. He somehow ends up getting sidetracked by entering into an auto race and by falling in love with said stolen lady. Zowie!

Well, this movie stinks. It's not worth your time at all. Its painfully boring all while trying to be super sophisticated and smart. It's neither of those things. The plot is not very flushed out and the series of events that happen to put the main guy (Frank Webster) on the path to the end are dubious at best. There's far too many things that just don't make any sense and kind of need to, even going by bad movie fan standards.

The characters are annoying and attempt to banter their way through their predicament, which somehow just ends up contradicting the previous thing they just said each time they open their mouths. The conflict is quite bland as they plainly could just drive to Mexico because no cops are going to ever arrest them. Here's a pretty typical example of intrigue:

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Xanadu

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We dare to tackle 1980's danceical/musical/drama/romance/comedy/disaster that is Xanadu. We all know the story. Its that old tale of an artist that has no talent or motivation or confidence meets a magical roller skating deity that gives him the ability to meet a guy who has all the money and to woo him into investing several millions of dollars into building a roller-skating club/disco. You know that old tale.

Lets get straight to the mustard. This movie stinks. Its one of the worst ideas ever created. Let's take a the above idea, write a script that is 3 pages long, take a current hot "talent" who is mediocre at singing, dancing, and acting, intentionally put in bad special effects and throw in Gene Kelly just so you can feel bad for him. Xanadu is not so much a train wreck and more of a genocide of puppies. You really want to take your eyes off it.

Olivia Newton John is the centerpiece of this film in an eerily similar way as Babs was in A Star is Born. She is continually on camera as if the entire movie is just one big music video to prove to you all how wonderful she is. Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she???? No. She's at no point good or bad. She's just mediocre at everything. She's just an ok singer, she's just an ok dancer and she's just an ok actor but she's so crammed into your face during this thing that you wonder who saw what in this concept.

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The Delta Force

The Delta Force
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Part 2 of Carl's Inaction in Action series, we look at Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin in the Cannon Group's The Delta Force. It's part best hijacking movie ever and then part iconic Chuck Norris ridiculous action. Sometimes you in suspense and then other times your slapping your head in how preposterous it is.

There's two movies here. One is a slow-paced, well directed, solidly acted hostage crisis movie. The other is 100 guys invading a country and blowing everyone up. The first 100 minutes have 0 shots fired. It isn't even until 114 minutes that The Delta Force starts firing bullets back. But once they start shooting they don't stop until there's about 3 minutes left in the film.

So again I have to review this based on the two different movies. The first movie is very frightening. You really feel fear for the characters and there's some very heavy and serious thematic elements brought up. This all may be even more relevant today than it was in 1986 (when the film was released). There's anti-Semitic conflicts and Holocaust connections. There's general terror as we all know how awful a plane hijacking is.

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Catwoman

Catwoman
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Episode audio warning: there is a weird bumping the mic sound for the first 20 minutes of this episode. We completely apologize but we can't fix it. Its annoying and I hate it and want it to die but we can't fix it.

We are just going to say right out the gate that Catwoman sucks. It's awful. Pure garbage and terrible film-making. It very well may be the worst made movie that we have viewed on this podcast. This belongs in the bottom 20 on IMDB. Blech.

The movie attempts to be a special effects masterpiece. There is an amazing amount of unnecessary CGI that all looks completely awful. We know that this was 2004 and CGI wasn't quite as good as we have now. Simple solution = don't add it. So much of it could be eliminated and wouldn't change the movie in the slightest. Ugh.

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Gigli

Gigli
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The Razzie sweeping film chock full of idiots, invades! We get Bennifer all over the place and its icky. This film currently (as of Feb. 2015) sits at #71 on the IMDB Bottom 100, so is it the as bad as it's setup or is it just Bennifer backlash?

The plot concept of the film is that one low level mafia guy (whose job is to make phone calls and hang out at restaurants) hires two other lower level mafia guys (Affleck and JLO) to kidnap and babysit a mentally handicapped teen brother, Brian, of a federal prosecutor. The hope is that this federal prosecutor will back off of the head mafia guy (Al Pacino). This plot is the first flaw with Gigli as it is completely dumb. Its revealed later that even Al Pacino's character thinks this was a terrible plan as it wouldn't work so therefore its just best to get rid of Brian and pretend like nothing happened....so there is no plot then?

The second problem of the film is the characters. They are all also completely retarded. Larry Gigli (Affleck) is despicable. He appears to have only been "thugging" for a few weeks as he has very little job skills. He's not prepared for the kidnapping/babysitting job as he completely doesn't understand how mentally handicapped people work and he's not evil enough to cut Brian up and send Brian-Bits to his brother. JLO is a verbally staunch lesbian that talks about how dumb weiners are but than later caves due to "words" said by Gigli. She is also completely not prepared for this assignment. Lewis appears to be the real idiot of the whole movie. He seems to be new to the mafia business. He's only got two employees (Gigli and JLO) and he doesn't know them at all so the whole thing is new. Plus he isn't working with Al Pacino so he appears to be a bad guy freelancer. He's probably getting jobs off Odesk of E-Lance. Al Pacino is also dumb as he has no actual talent working for him because he would otherwise just whack freelancing Gigli, JLO, Lewis and Brian and then come up with an actual plan.

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Hell Squad

Hell Squad
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Take 1 kidnapped diplomat's son, a country that only has bad guys in it, one guy how is a bit of a dick, 9 strippers, shake and stir and you've got Hell Squad. We aren't really sure what this movie is (other than ridiculous), is it a comedy or action movie?

The story is that there is some new special WMD that can blow up organic material but not anything else. This is determined by finding a newspaper that is not burnt but evidence of a horse getting sploded after a test of the weapon, however since newspaper is made of paper which is made of trees which as far as I know are actually living and organic, should mean the newspaper would also burn. This is foreshadowing of the idiocy of the rest of the story. The rest of the story, is that terrorists have this weapon already but need a schematic for part of a rocket to launch it. It seems like they've already built the hard part though. So they kidnap a diplomat's son and ransom him for this schematic (which no country would negotiate this deal, sorry bud. You're dead). Well the answer to this problem is to take 9 Las Vegas showgirls, train them for 10 days, then send this into Karajan (bad guy country) and let them find the kid and bring him back.

The story is so dumb that I can only figure that its supposed to be a joke, but its presented in such a manner that makes it seem like its a solid premise for an action movie. However, jokes abound that may or may not be funny in the film. One lady can't use a rifle because he boobs are too big, there's a water shortage in Karajan so the girls all have to use the bath tub at once (and everyday) and spoiler alert - there's a Scooby-Doo ending.

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Deadly Prey

Deadly Prey
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Here's the deal...this movie rules. Period. It has instantly gone into our Hall of Fame because it does everything right in both good storytelling and horrendously terrible film-making. It is as good to watch as any "good" movie and is only topped by the very creme of the crap in bad movies. There may only be a handful of movies better to view than Deadly Prey and we couldn't argue with anyone if they put it at the top of their list. It's that good.

Let me put it this way. If you were talking films with a person that you'd just met, say at work or at class and they casually said, "So have you ever seen a movie called Deadly Prey?" there is potential that you might become best friends.

Ted Prior plays Danton. Or vice versa. I'm not really sure which. Danton is like a chimera, unicorn, or the Minotaur. He's a being of mythic proportion. Maybe more like Thor, Hercules, or Achilles. 2000 years ago, poets would have told tale of Danton to travelers and bards would have sung his adventures. So again, did Ted Prior play Danton or did the spirit of Danton come down from Olympus and possess good ol' Ted. Because their on-screen symbiosis is unbreakable.

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