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Seven

Seven
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It's the second film from Stinker Madness stalwart, Andy Sidaris. No, it's not that one with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman. It's the story of seven agency operatives taking down seven criminal overlords on lovely Hawaii for the price of seven million dollars. It's got all the classic staples from Andy and we love it! At least the first hour and 23 minutes, because we haven't seen the end of this film.

WHAT?!?! You're going to do a review of a movie you haven't seen all of? Nope we aren't. Sorry to disappoint guys. There's not going to be a review in this one. However, it's quite important to still discuss this film and how we watched it. We were forced to watch this film on YouTube. Because it's not available by any other means. That's right you can't get your hands on this film. It's not for sale. Now here's the real rub. The YouTube copy cuts out at 83 minutes with an ad for a Japanese porno site. Nice. The real fun thing is that this movie keeps getting removed for copyright infringement by the copyright owner. They have that right. But if you're going to do that then make it available to buy, please. Idiots. (It should be noted that friend of the show, Arlene Sidaris does NOT own the rights to this film. We believe that Hugh Hefner does.)

Anyways, there's still plenty of a good time in the 83 minutes we did see. It's an odd film in that it is a heist movie with nothing being stolen. It's setup and paced as a heist movie with the recruitment of a team of individuals with unique skill sets, a elaborate and difficult plan with only a small window of time to execute it and only one try allowed, quick interlaced cuts between moments of actions between the individual players, and so forth. But the story is just some guys taking down some bad guys. It makes for alot of fun and is VERY well edited. From what we saw, this may be Andy Sidaris' best directed film. 

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Near Dark

Near Dark
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Near Dark is highly praised for being the best vampire movie ever made. However that's like saying that the Pinto is the best car that explodes on impact ever made. Its the tale of a farm boy who falls in love with a wandering stranger that's not like any of the other girls. He then goes on a wild ride with a gang of nomads in a van until sunlight wins the day again.

Well....we don't like this movie. We found it to be a colossal disappointment with some really misses. In that, the primary problem with this film is that Bill Paxton is incredible. You heard it. Bill Paxton does a fantastic acting job. He nails it. He's infectious. He's memorizing. "Why is that a problem?" you might ask. Because there's far too little of him on screen. His role is super limited and angered us. Hey Bigelow, we want more Paxton!

The movie would have been really great would have worked so perfectly as a graphic novel. A graphic novel would have allowed for ongoing stories about the vampire nomads going from town to town and wrecking bars, eating people and running from the fuzz. But there's no story here for a movie. A movie has a limited run time so a full story must be flushed out in that time. This does not happen here. The characters take no internal journey and can be summed up as "boy gets turned into a vampire, boy gets Tim Thomerson blood transfusion, vampires get lit of fire, freezeframe, credits."

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Road House

Road House
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Dalton gets brought into make a bar even less fun, get paid way too much, prevent alcohol from being served and then rip everyone's throats out. It's the bad movie classic Road House, 5 time Razzie nominee starring Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliot.

This is one of the most viewed and loved bad movies of all time and there's a reason it's so popular. It's ridiculous. It's one hell of a good time. The action is over the top, the dialogue is hilarious, the acting is a atrocious and the plot of completely stupid. It's fantastic. There's so many problems with the story but I'll try to name just a couple:

Ben Gazara plays a villain (Brad Wesley) who seems to have built a nice town as head of the Chamber of Commerce, but suddenly gains a real interest in being a bad guy once Dalton comes to town and decides to blow up the entire town. Huh?Dalton gets paid a $5000 hiring bonus and then $500/night. Which means if Dalton works at the Double Deuce for just 1 month, he'll make $17,500 dollars. Dalton may be a millionaire. That's a TON of money in 1988 and I'm pretty sure that the Double Deuce didn't make that much money in a fiscal quarter.Where are the friggin cops? Its implied that they are paid off but there is really only so much a dirty cop can hide. There's eyeballs every night on the floor of the bar and probably a corpse or two a month.Where are the women in the film thinking they are going? They are all dressed like they are going to a club in Miami or LA, but instead they are just going to a shit hole with eyeballs on the floor every night.Wayde (Sam Elliot) plays the "best" bouncer in the world (cause that's a thing) yet Wayde works at a run down strip club. If he's the best he should be head of security at a casino in Vegas or Atlantic City. He is definitely not the best bouncer in the world.No one seems to have a clue how insurance works. Wesley blows up an auto parts store and then runs a car dealership over with Bigfoot and then splodes a guy's house so they decide to kill him. No! Just call your insurance company, get a check and then move.

Road House is an epic in "tough guy" business. Every character is super tough (but not as tough as Dalton, of course) and all of the women are damsels that have one motivation in life; get your boobs out. If you get offended by some pretty one dimensional female characters you might want to avoid this one. But if you can get past how offensive this film is, you're in for a great ride. It is one of those rare films that never takes its foot off the gas pedal. It's a really dumb gas pedal but that thing is pegged for 90 minutes. Great great great time!

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Johnny Mnemonic

Johnny Mnemonic
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It's a cyberpunk trip through the Internet with Keanu Reeves as he portrays Johnny Mnemonic, a hard-drive installed brain courier guy who has to deliver the cure for Chronic Internetitis Addiction to a group of resistance fighters trying to free our minds from evil corporate influence.....or something?

Wow, 1995 really had no clue how the Internet worked. Yes, this is one of those "lets go into the Internet....with our minds" movies. They didn't get it right. I, however, don't want to spend too much time on how wrong they got with the Internet. I will say that it is the worst onscreen representation of the Internet in film.

Keanu is quite bad, if not at his worst, which many may think that isn't a stretch for him but its hard to say that his work in John Wick was not impressive (even if he only had 10 lines). But Johnny Mnemonic stands right beside Johnny Utah in an actor forgetting that they are in a film. Dina Meyer does her best impression of Dina Meyer. She sets out to portray an actress who stinks. Dolph Lundgren, Henry Rollins, Udo Kier, and Ice T all do just fine and make room for the two main characters to stink it up without helping.

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Corvette Summer

Corvette Summer
Corvette Summer Corvette Thing
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Its the story of a virgin teaming up with a very loose woman on the hunt of an ugly car. It stars Mark Hamill and Annie Potts and its called Corvette Summer. Its possibly the greatest love story told in a bad movie and is one step away from actually being a good movie. But an ugly car, poor production values, and plot holes keep it from getting there.

So Mark Hamill plays a recent high school grad, named Kenny who is a mechanical wizard, but a socially awkward virgin. Kenny has rebuilt a Corvette Stingray as part of his high school shop class. The car gets stolen on its first day out and Kenny is heart-broken. He gets a tip that the car is in Vegas so Kenny goes in search of it. Along the way, he meets a "hooker in training" named Vanessa (Annie Potts) who helps him out by letting him live in her van and search for the car.

The primary problem with the film is that it really doesn't know what it is. It has the adult thematic elements of a Woody Allen movie or Midnight Cowboy, but the production values and hi-jinks of a teen movie. The music is terrible and comes in at very inappropriate times. There's sophomoric jokes and goofy action in scenarios that are very serious (like getting killed by car thieves). It also suffers from some slap your forehead moments of stupidity from the characters.

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Can't Stop the Music

Can't Stop the Music
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The very first Razzie winner gets an in depth look and wow, is it bad. It truly is worse than Xanadu (which we feel is quite the achievement). Its a fake biopic of how the Village People became successful but has no basis of reality. And we should mention that its super gay (not that there's anything wrong with that).

The film builds a universe that is not something we want to have anything to do with. People don't have jobs, people just come in and out of people's homes, random people off the street get pulled into parties without wanting to come to and people have NO concept of how anything works in real life. New York is built to be Camelot from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail (Never mind, let's not go to Camelot. Ti's a silly place.) We would not like to go there.

The real badness of this film is that they try to, as Sam puts it, "knock the gay off the Village People". The gayness of this movie is the truly fun part of the film but it is so muffled by the stupid story and by trying to make the Village People's characters be straight men. If you went to see this movie wanting to see a film about gay men shaking their asses, then you won't get it. Its so stuffed with characters that truly don't matter to the plot of the film and scenes that don't matter to the plot. Which leads to a too-long film with only about 10 minutes of fun.

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Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Hard Ticket to Hawaii
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We go for a ride with Hard Ticket to Hawaii, directed by bad movie hall of fame director, Andy Sidaris. Expect guns, boobs, jokes, ridiculous action sequences, splosions, more boobs, tough guys and gals and don't forget there's a snake in this movie!

It's the first film in the Sidaris collection that features Donna and Taryn, two rad hot chicks who work for The Agency, the super secret government organization that fights crime, drugs, kidnappers and terrorists. This time to duo team up with Rowdy Abilene and a karate guy named Jade to take down a drug dealer in Hawaii. Along the way, they make sure to take their shirts off whenever they feel like it, free a giant mutated snake, face a skate-boarding assasin, and play some deadly frisbee on the beach. 

We all feel that this one isn't as good as Malibu Express but its pretty hard to compare much to the first in the Andy Sidaris collection. So we aren't going to talk about that anymore. Standing alone, this film is a whole lot of fun. There's alot more shinanigans, alot more splosions, alot more guns, and alot more jokes. In fact, director Andy Sidaris makes an extended cameo as a sports director (Sidaris was the director for Monday Night Football for many many years) and has two of the strongest jokes in the entire franchise here. Plenty of laughs in Hard Ticket.

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Stone Cold

Stone Cold
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Brian Bosworth stars this week as Joe Huff/John Stone/All Awesome in Stone Cold with William Forsythe and Lance Henriksen. Its the tale of one tough cop that goes undercover to accomplish absolutely nothing in preventing a biker gang destroying the entire government of Mississippi. Mullets, earrings, giant lizards, exploding choppers, and a ridiculously high body count makes up for one fun ride.

The very funny Ryan Fortier from the "Writing Through Vet School" blog joins us this week to help us make sense of this movie. Ryan is the author of "Paranoia" (available for $2.99) and one of the funniest bad movie reviewers. You can follow Ryan at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/ and read his bad movie reviews at https://quietthinker1.wordpress.com/category/bad-movies-2/.

The plot of this film is quite dubious. Essentially, there is a biker gang that is causing a ruckus. One of them gets put on trial for shooting a priest for some reason. So we guess they are going to try to spring him from jail. The FBI hires a suspended tough guy cop named Joe Huff to go under-cover, as John Stone, in the gang to keep tabs on them. Along the way, they do some stuff and then Joe completely fails to stop them from killing everyone. We really have no idea what the story of this film is supposed to be. On screen, all you can really tell is that a guy acts tough and then all of Mississippi dies. It also seems that no one really has much of a plan to accomplish their unknown goals. The biker gang has no end game. Stone's plan just seems to be hang around the gang and do assorted tasks for them. And when someone comes up with a plan to do something they completely fail every single time. Even simple tasks like "earn profits" or "stay alive" cannot be executed.

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Zombeavers

Zombeavers
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Take beavers, add radioactive waste, a cabin in the woods scenario and you've got the idea behind Zombeavers. Add annoying characters, a series of missed opportunities, confusion on what the film is trying to do, doing the dog in the wrong way, and far too many unintentional cliches to be bothered with. If you enjoyed films like Cabin Fever, Cabin in the Woods, or Dale and Tucker Versus Evil then this film is a platform for disappointment. This is much more like Wolf Cop. Bummer.

The primary problem with the film is that it doesn't know what it is. Is it a comedy that takes a satirical look at all of the tropes of your typical budget monster movie? Or is it just a crapped out, lazily written horror movie that doesn't bother to create anything new other than that the antagonist is furry beavers? There's points of the movie where you think "Oh good they get it and this is going to be fun" such as the opening with John Mayer and Bill Burr, or bothering with much of a scientific explanation of the beavers being zombies or instead of when bitten you just become a zombie of whatever species you are, you become a zombeaver version of whatever species you are. But then it trips over a plethora of plot details that get setup but go absolutely no where or fail to deliver the right joke that is blatantly staring the audience right in the face. Its like someone is pitching the script perfectly at a writer who has never swung a bat before. Swing and miss. Swing and miss.

The actors....wow. Quite the mix of people that you either absolutely hate (I'm talking to you Sam (Farenheit 51 AKA Hutch Dano)) or completely don't care about at all (Talking to you Jenn (Lexi Atkins)). The characters and actors that you DO care about and like are on screen for far too little specifically the aforementioned Mayer and Burr, as well as the neighbors and Smyth (Rex Linn).

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Slipstream

Slipstream
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Bob Peck goes for a ride in a plane with Bill Paxton and along the way the pair go on a personal journey and discover who they really are. Oh and Mark Hamill chases them in his airplane as well. Its one hell of a hot mess, with confusing plot lines, unstated character roles, and mentions to major plot hubs that never get flushed out. But its still a pretty fun ride.

Somewhere in Slipstream is a good movie. There some really cool science fiction ideas, gorgeous aerial footage, questions raised about what life truly is and solid concepts about life in a post-apocalyptic world. This really could have been a movie that people respected and possibly not cost Gary Kurtz his movie career. We don't think that it ever would have been a really successful film but a good ol' muligan may have turned this into a pretty popular film.

Unfortunately, there are some serious problems here. Firstly, the easy one to spot is Bill Paxton. If you are familiar and/or love Paxton like we do, you'll know that his charm is not in his acting skills. This film (much like Cage in Wicker Man) is the role Paxton was born to play. The Paxton is turned up to 12 here. It's great in a terrible way. His character is just a total knob and Paxton is the only guy that can really nail knob unintentionally.  He just won't keep his mouth shut at any point and he's always got something snarky to say. But the snarky lines that come out of his mouth are so dumb. If you encountered this character in real life, no matter the situation, you would have to stop and laugh at him.

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Captain America

Captain America
Is Peyton Manning Captain America?
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Matt Salinger dons the role of weak but honorable Steve Rogers and becomes Captain America as part of the Super Soldier Program so that he can be strong enough to stop the Nazi equivalent, the Red Skull. Sound familiar? Well that's about all this film has in common with anything that you know about Cap. The rest is pretty much the dumbest hot mess that you could possibly imagine.

Albert Pyun's Captain America is maybe the worst adaptation of a single character that has ever been made. Matt Salinger is awkward moving at all times and shows absolutely no athletic ability. Captain America is a bit of a dick as he really shows little concern for other people. He's about as smart as a box of hair. He really never succeeds in any mission nor is he ever known by the world as a WWII superhero, even though when he is unthawed the world seems to care, despite having never heard of him before.

The visuals (costumes, effects and action) are horrendous and make up the best part of the film. By best I mean that they are hilarious. Cap's outfit looks like its made of vinyl and seems to get ripped up randomly from what we can only infer is that Matt Salinger leaned up against walls too much. The shield looks like an after dinner peppermint. Red Skull only has Red Skull face for the first 5 minutes on screen. The Red Skull rat is epic bad stop-motion. The list of bad visuals goes on and on.

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Universal Soldier

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Dolph and Jean Claude square off with the assistance of Roland Emmerich in the blockbuster film, Universal Soldier. The idea is that there is a military program that takes dead soldiers and reanimates them, while erasing their memories so that they can become undead badass guys. Are they zombies? Or just slightly retarded guys with guns?

The film is a very early Roland Emmerich work and really lays the foundation for his career. All of the staples that you see in a Roland Emmerich film are setup here. Plot details that just get glossed over (JCVD's accent for example), punchlines that involve people looking quizzically at each other after something ridiculous happens, action shots that seem crazy but you just really can't tell what's happening...Of course, JCVD also delivers some of the staples of his films as well including excessive shots of his butt and a lack of explaining his ethnicity. Dolph is just Dolph.

Unfortunately, this film is a tad boring. There's far too many scenes of the Universal Soldiers pondering what life is now that they are dead or reliving the last moments of the life before they died and then pondering. We get it. JCVD doesn't know how his weiner works and Dolph has an obsession with chopping ears off but there is far too little action. However, the action sequences that do happen are quite exciting and fun but are too few and far between.

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American Kickboxer 2

American Kickboxer 2
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American Kickboxer 2 is a one of a kind achievement in horrendously bad acting, awful dialogue, poorly performed stunts, and incredibly stupid plot. It really is a perfect storm in bad action movies. With this combined tour de crap, it becomes a laugh a second tornado of awesomeness. This is too rad to ignore.

Essentially, a rich family's child is kidnapped and the mother has to recruit two tough guys from her past to rescue her. Sounds simple right? Well lets try this again. The owner of a successful plumbing company has a slightly mentally handicapped child who gets kidnapped by action guys. She contacts her tough guy ex-husband and her tough guy ex-lover and explains to both of them that they have an 8 year old child and that she's been kidnapped. The two tough guys then proceed to fight each other more than bad guys until a hooker tells them that a warehouse that stores guys who don't actually work there and just have upstairs "Fight Club" also contains the kidnapped child. At that point they end up having to fight each other to the death, when a pothead frees here by using cockroaches. Movie ends with an implied three-way. Wow.

As I mentioned the acting is awful.......ly awesome. Evan Lurie and Dale Cook are ridiculously bad. Dale shouts all of his lines but is unintelligible because he has to have a toothpick in his mouth at all times (including fight scenes). Evan Lurie, in the true spirit of the film, does the exact opposite and mumbles ever line because "he's so peaceful". Tackleberry is completely unbelievable as a fat Vince Vaughn/business executive/action guy and Kathy Shower does her best concerned mom routine (who is surprisingly better at it than Erika Eleniak).

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The Wraith

The Wraith
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Charlie Sheen, Sherilyn Fenn, Randy Quaid and Nick Cassavetes do battle with making sense as The Wraith and vengeance storm Arizona.

This movie is sweet. It's a real brainbuster as to why this isn't a more widely known film. If you were born as a male from 1975-1985 and you had seen this film at about the age of 11, it would have easily been your favorite film. Its got everything you could want: sweet cars, racing, cool guys, explosions, boobs, and a sprinkling of some magic baloney. We can only figure that because there's 4 sets of boobs in it that most parents wouldn't let their children see it. Well guess what, now we're all adults and this movie should be a big deal. If you haven't seen this, stop what you're doing and go watch it. It's for you.

Chaz plays Jake Kesey or The Wraith (or is the Dodge M4S The Wraith?) who is, as near as we can tell, a ghost of vengeance that is from the future. He could also be a reborn star (the cosmos kind) who has formed itself into a handsome charming guy. Either way, he's a dead guy who comes back to get vengeance on the gang of nutsacks who murdered him (three times) and stole his babe (Sherilyn Fenn). 

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Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
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Russ and Roger go beyond in this under-whelming tale of how LA is tough on people, I guess. It's really a tale of people having banter that doesn't work for the viewer and then boning. Nothing happens in the film until 90% of the way through. We say less banter, more boobies.

We'll just go ahead and say that this was a massive disappointment. We were hoping for some really far out zany business with a nice backdrop of solid chests. Unfortunately, its mostly just music video, party, banter, music video, party, banter, tame boning, music video, banter, party, wedding, credits. This formula equals a sum of boring for 3/4 of the film. The pacing and writing seem to try to shock the viewer but I can't even imagining in 1970 that this film was shocking. Its as if you are told that people can be gay and then the person telling you this looks at you as says "Aren't you shocked? You must be shocked? That's SOOOO shocking" while you look at this person and wonder if they've ever been outside. How naive did Russ and Roger think people were in 1970? People have sex and do drugs?!?! Whoa...

The acting is par for the most part, we wouldn't call it really good or bad; only a few people really blow it and give us something to remark on. Which is another strike. There is only a couple of laughable performances. This in spite the fact that most of the cast is made up of Playmates.

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Megaforce

Megaforce
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We complete Carl's Inaction in Action trilogy with one of the most ridiculous movies ever made. The leaders of the world have confirmed the existence of Megaforce. They are then hired by a crusty old man to blow up his helicopter.

We all feel that Megaforce is absolutely necessary if you love bad movies. Sam has it in his Hall of Fame. It's required viewing. If you haven't seen this please take 99 minutes and watch this on YouTube. Its a great time and the laughs never stop coming.

One of the greatest debates of all time is what does Megaforce actually do? What do they accomplish? What is this movie about? What happens? There are as many theories to the answers of these questions as there are about the meaning of life.

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Furious 7

Furious 7
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I think you may not need us to tell you whether you should view this film or not, because you've already seen it. Everyone on Earth has already seen it. This movie is a bigger deal than The Beatles, Moses, and Channing Tatum's undies rolled into one. So instead here's just some general thoughts.

The Fast and The Furious franchise is maybe the best thing that Universal has ever given the world. Its single movie viewing experience that has a little bit for everyone. People from all walks of life love this shit. You could find yourself sitting next to the Mayor or a homeless man in the theater and at one point you'll give either of them high-fives. We should drop these movies out of airplanes instead of bombs and there would be peace.

It should be noted that Justin gave bad info in this episode. The movie does NOT have an 87 Metascore. It's at 67. Which is pretty high. Everyone forgets that they are watching a movie that makes no sense and has terrible acting. And it doesn't matter. That's a good thing for bad movies.

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The Fast and the Furious (1955)

The Fast and the Furious (1955)
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In one of Roger Corman's first films, one guy gets framed for manslaughter (as best as we can guess) and must steal a Jag and a lady to escape to Mexico. He somehow ends up getting sidetracked by entering into an auto race and by falling in love with said stolen lady. Zowie!

Well, this movie stinks. It's not worth your time at all. Its painfully boring all while trying to be super sophisticated and smart. It's neither of those things. The plot is not very flushed out and the series of events that happen to put the main guy (Frank Webster) on the path to the end are dubious at best. There's far too many things that just don't make any sense and kind of need to, even going by bad movie fan standards.

The characters are annoying and attempt to banter their way through their predicament, which somehow just ends up contradicting the previous thing they just said each time they open their mouths. The conflict is quite bland as they plainly could just drive to Mexico because no cops are going to ever arrest them. Here's a pretty typical example of intrigue:

(Paraphrasing)

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Xanadu

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We dare to tackle 1980's danceical/musical/drama/romance/comedy/disaster that is Xanadu. We all know the story. Its that old tale of an artist that has no talent or motivation or confidence meets a magical roller skating deity that gives him the ability to meet a guy who has all the money and to woo him into investing several millions of dollars into building a roller-skating club/disco. You know that old tale.

Lets get straight to the mustard. This movie stinks. Its one of the worst ideas ever created. Let's take a the above idea, write a script that is 3 pages long, take a current hot "talent" who is mediocre at singing, dancing, and acting, intentionally put in bad special effects and throw in Gene Kelly just so you can feel bad for him. Xanadu is not so much a train wreck and more of a genocide of puppies. You really want to take your eyes off it.

Olivia Newton John is the centerpiece of this film in an eerily similar way as Babs was in A Star is Born. She is continually on camera as if the entire movie is just one big music video to prove to you all how wonderful she is. Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she???? No. She's at no point good or bad. She's just mediocre at everything. She's just an ok singer, she's just an ok dancer and she's just an ok actor but she's so crammed into your face during this thing that you wonder who saw what in this concept.

The plot is dumb (the main guy is a wanker that has no abilities or skills and no work ethic (like going to work at all), yet a rich, experienced, professional, classy guy is willing to make him a 50/50 partner in remodeling a nightclub that would cost millions in investment. Oh yeah, they are Eskimo Brothers (look it up) through one mystical transparent girl who is the daughter of Zeus (credited as Male Heavenly Voice). Icky.

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The Delta Force

The Delta Force
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Part 2 of Carl's Inaction in Action series, we look at Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin in the Cannon Group's The Delta Force. It's part best hijacking movie ever and then part iconic Chuck Norris ridiculous action. Sometimes you in suspense and then other times your slapping your head in how preposterous it is.

There's two movies here. One is a slow-paced, well directed, solidly acted hostage crisis movie. The other is 100 guys invading a country and blowing everyone up. The first 100 minutes have 0 shots fired. It isn't even until 114 minutes that The Delta Force starts firing bullets back. But once they start shooting they don't stop until there's about 3 minutes left in the film.

So again I have to review this based on the two different movies. The first movie is very frightening. You really feel fear for the characters and there's some very heavy and serious thematic elements brought up. This all may be even more relevant today than it was in 1986 (when the film was released). There's anti-Semitic conflicts and Holocaust connections. There's general terror as we all know how awful a plane hijacking is.

But at the same time, the two main terrorists (one of which is maybe Robert Forster's best performance which is saying something) flip-flop back and forth about how evil they are. Sometimes you almost expect them to be revealed as misunderstood freedom fighters but then they just get downright villainous. Very strange.

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