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Jem and the Holograms

Jem and the Holograms
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In October of 2015, Jem and the Holograms was released into US theaters with much fanfare, and by fanfare I mean people asking "They remade Jem? Well that was dumb..." and then one week later it was nowhere to be found, instantly making it a SMABFA contender. Whose idea was this anyways?

Jem is a moral tale for females of the Millenial generation. So think of the most annoying thing in the world. Correct, its a teenage girl from that generation. So that's not good. However, the moral really is a good one; that girls shouldn't be who society dictates they should be, they should be themselves and revel in their own strengths and weaknesses. It's a great moral and we at Stinker Madness fully support it.

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Starship Troopers

Starship Troopers
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Paul Verhoeven had a vision for a caricature of a Fascist future society and totally nails it in the guise of a silly space battle movie. Toss in a 3 way love story with incredibly strong and easy to care for characters, exceptional acting and you've got one of hell of a good movie.

Why then is this movie on Stinker Madness? Well because in 1997 the critics and Sam and Justin made a single mistake; they didn't get this movie. The world wasn't ready for Starship Troopers. We were expecting a film adaptation of the Robert Heinlein science fiction novel of the same title. We weren't expecting a high school football game with backflips. We weren't expecting children smashing beetles and mothers laughing maniacally at it. We weren't expecting Robocop and Total Recall with a serious story and moral statement. So it was panned by critics. Thus making it a "bad movie". But it truly is a masterpiece in pop culture.

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Point Break (1991)

Point Break (1991)
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For 25 years, people have been celebrating a film about a FBI guy spending 3/4 of the movie trying to get fired and perhaps sent to prison, while steadily falling in love with a dude brah. Since its release apparently no one has watched it because this crap stinks and not in good ways.

I'm sorry to say everyone but this movie just isn't very good NOR is it very bad. It is as middle of the road and completely unremarkable as any movie has ever existed. What? It's not very good? 

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Point Break (2015)

Point Break (2015)
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For years people have been requesting a remake of a really stupid and poorly thought out 90's movie with horrendous acting and too many "dude bros" and then make it much much stupider. Wait...no one asked for that? Then wait the hell is the point of Point Break (2015)?

The story of 2015's Point Break is truly one of the more poorly thought plots in recent memory. Johnny Utah must go undercover into some extreme guys again and to do it he must also do extreme stuff to build up their trust. There the plot similarity ends. The real dumb stuff is the motivation of Bodhi and his crew. They are going to save the Earth (environmentally, ie. "Mans progress is totally harshing my groove, bro" crap)...by doing 8 extreme sport/stunts. Yup. Save the Earth by jumping off stuff. Now one can argue that they are environmental terrorists who are going to stop corporations from damaging the Earth by extreme criminality but at no point would any of their stunts do that, one, in fact, damages the Earth more than the activity they are preventing and then halfway through the movie, they just give up on that completely and just do extreme sports so, as Bodhi puts it, "become one with the Earth". If only "becoming one with the Earth" meant splattering into the side of it at terminal velocity.

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Sssssss

Sssssss
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In what very well may be the worst mad scientist plan of all time, Professor Stoner (didn't make that up) turns innocent David from Man to Snakeman to.....well mongoose lunch. It's ssssssso ssssssstupid! It should be mentioned that no other film on this podcast is as worthy of being a MST3K episode.

Sssssss suffers from being not only very poorly thought out but also has some of the least movie making efforts ever attempted in film. It's not quite as useless as Frogs but tries to dupe us that it is a film but just showing shot after shot of crazy! snakes. However, they are live snakes and the actors aren't trained professionals so that at least makes these sequences viewable. Each sequence of snake business is spent wondering if the actors are going to get bit or smooshed or if they are accidentally going to kill one of the little serpents. ASPCA be damned!

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The Apple

The Apple
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In the year 1994, disco has become such a force in culture that record producers can rule the government forcing the citizens of Earth to face prison time and social rejection if they are not down with "BIM"...we still aren't sure what BIM is but apparently you must be down with it. However, we are not.

This movie stinks! Wow is this not how you make a movie and its such a mess that it becomes a spectacle. Normally, movies that predict the future are pretty off in their predictions of how we live but this one is WAAAAYYYY off. I don't remember glam in 1994's music. Maybe I misses something but I don't remember flannel having alot of glitter on it. But this film just can't believe that disco and "The Bay City Rollers" weren't going to rule music.

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Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Yor: The Hunter from the Future
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Yor does not come from the future. He comes from over there. Sorry for the spoiler. He is still awesome. The ladies love him, the men fear him and Yor believes himself to be the most rad dude of all time and he might be right.

Yor is one of those wacky Italian movies that believes to be a good idea with a good story but is just a mess of silly business. Yor bounces smugly from scene to scene veritably stating directly to the audience, "Hey, did you know I'm awesome? Cause I am." His motivations aren't clear, his actions are bonkers, and his idiom is dubious. He's great. He even has his own awesome theme song (Yor's World) that rivals "Do You Want to Be a Hero" from Biggles: Adventure in Time and "Stargrove" from Never Too Young To Die.

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Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher
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Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

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Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
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An Internet meme gets its own movie which is supposed to be a Christmas movie but isn't. How long will it be before Lifetime calls us for the first Stinker Madness movie?

This film sucks, even by Lifetime Channel or made for TV standards. It's truly torturous. Strike one is talking animals. Strike two is the unending "jokes" that Grumpy Cat makes usually involving breaking the 4th wall. Strike three is the movie has nothing to do with Christmas. Take the Christmas decorations out of the mall and the movie remains completely unchanged. Even Kirk Cameron can make a movie about Xmas.

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Biggles: Adventures in Time

Biggles: Adventures in Time
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Some guy who is NOT named Biggle's has ONE adventure in just ONE time. So with an inaccurate title, we travel back and forth to 1917 to defeat the Nazi's secret sound weapon that makes things too hot. Don't ask too many questions.

Biggle's on paper sounds like a missed gem from our youth. The idea of a man named Biggle's traveling through time and having hijinx sounds like it would become your favorite movie when you're 12. Apparently the books are exactly that. But this movie is not. Biggle's is not the protagonist. It's a guy named Jim Ferguson who somehow gets transported back and forth from the present to 1917. So even he doesn't have "Adventures in Time" He just goes back to ONE time. So if you are looking for a sillier Bill and Ted's, you're not going to get it.

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Mac and Me

Mac and Me
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Mac and Me is truly a turd. We didn't like it at all. Sorry about that.

The movie fails on so many levels especially for a children's movie. The complete lack of a relationship between the clone of ET's Elliot and MAC left us scratching our heads wondering why the characters try to do anything for MAC. All MAC and his family do to the protagonist family is fuck shit up. Twice the main child dies and twice he is saved by the "MACs" but he wouldn't remember either time as he was clearly dead, so one can't use that as an argument.

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C.H.O.M.P.S.

C.H.O.M.P.S.
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C.H.O.M.P.S. is like a slow painful death from a stab wound in the tummy while getting your head pressed in an iron maiden. It's awful. Even if you are a dog lover, you will want this annoyance to cease to exist within 30 minutes. 

Seriously, Jackie and Justin own 3 dogs and they are part of our family. We are huge dog lovers. But nothing can excuse this little bastard. You want him to die and when he finally explodes you instead of feeling bad, are thrilled because its at least a few minutes where you don't have to be assaulted visually and aurally by this movie. 

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Galgameth

Galgameth
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When you absolutely must rescue your vague kingdom from a usurper with unknown motivations and restore your position as the supreme ruler of the lands, reach for a Galgameth statue and squirt some tears on it. Just make sure you don't ever go near an ocean. It's the Adventure or Legend or just Galgameth and he's one family friendly Kaijū!

Galgameth is one of those movies that has no target audience. It's too dumb and childish for adults but has too many adult themes for little kids. The protagonist is a pre-teen but there's too much cutesy stuff to fit that demographic. It's like there's a 2 week window when a boy is about 11 and isn't sure if they should be kissing girls or playing with action figures that this movie might work for.

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Spookies

Spookies
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Spookies is the very last of our Octoberween 3 bad horror movies of 2015 and what the hell do we say about this POS? Well it stinks.

This is just one of those hot messes that some people will love and some will hate. There is some pretty fantastic moments and then there are others that are long and drawn out and get a little tedious. Some of the makeup and effects look great, some others look terrible. The good news is that none of it makes a lick of sense.

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Queen of the Damned

Queen of the Damned
Queen of the damned
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Lestat, a vampire, falls in love. That's it. The end. Podcast over. Really that's all that happens in this film. It is truly one of the most uneventful things ever viewed by man. It's a complete snooze fest.

It may seem like important things are going on. But really it is just guys and girls moving incredibly slow (so they look sexy, I guess) and overacting. Or perhaps they are compensating for the huge teeth crammed into the actor's mugs. Speaking of actors...

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Jurassic World

Jurassic World
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Gramps and Tucker from the If We Made It podcast join us for a Bad Movie Field trip with the most successful film of 2015, Jurassic World. It's been labeled by the geniuses of the Internet as a cinematic milkshake of bad movie tropes and not carrying the spirit of 1993's Jurassic Park. We ask, "What do you want from a monster movie?"

Jurassic World at its core is just plain silly. The employees are all buffoons, the CEO may be the worst one of all time, and Chris Pratt's jungle man routine is about as preposterous as Donald Trump being President. It's all just silly. Critics and haters alike complain about the film not taking itself seriously enough and Bryce Dallas Howard traipsing through jungles and stepping in dino doo doo in high heels, with a bevy of buzzwords like one-dimensional, cliche, and lackluster. Perhaps you should just stick with Kurosawa films, it's a friggin movie about dinosaurs eating people! You can claim that your precious Jurassic Park is a film about taking science too far without considering the consequences but ask any child (which is the franchise's target market, not you Beardy) and they will tell you its about dinosaurs eating people.

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Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III: Season of the Witch
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Tom Atkins stars as a mustache-ride-given hacker doctor detective with the help of a young woman who may or may not be an android to take down a Irish/Californian novelty gift manufacturer who wants to use the powers of Stonehenge to transform millions of children into bugs and snakes. Don't come for Michael Meyers, stay for the endless sea of questions.

The movie is completely silly. The plot of ridiculous and with each moment the viewer is just presented more and more questions. It's like the entire run of Lost or the heads of the Hydra. When you answer one question, five more questions sprout up. Each character's motivations are pretty confusing not to mention who the hell they are. Why is Tom Atkins the detective? Why is he alcoholic? Is the girl a robot the entire time? If so, why does she lead Tom Atkins directly to the Silver Shamrock Corp? Does Silver Shamrock murder children or do they just become bugs and snakes? If its murder, then is it murder by teleporting bugs and snakes into their brains? Just writing these questions make me think of more. We could spend 900 pages in just questions.

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The Fantastic Four

The Fantastic Four
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Before the flop of 2015, before the two turds in the early 2000s, there was 1994's The Fantastic Four. It's a film that was never meant to be viewed by the eyes of man but we are super happy that we can. We are joined by special guest, bad movie blogger and friend of the show, Brad Slager (@MartiniShark) who knows and loves this movie. Check out Brad's write up on FF at http://www.lifezette.com/popzette/the-first-fantastic-dud/.

While this film was meant to end up in the trashcan and only made in order to keep the film rights to The Fantastic Four (see also 2015), there is such a level of effort that is clear when watching this movie. All the actors are giving it their all. There's a real sense that the people involved really believed in this project rather than it just being a doomed project. Its a classic example of the Internet's definition of a good-bad movie of wanting to make a good movie and ending up with a really bad one.

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Driven

Driven
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Stallone writes a screenplay that is about three things he has no working knowledge of; 1) Racing, 2) Relationships, 3) Story. It is quite possibly the worst screenplay ever written. Manos: The Hands of Fate has a lot more story than 2001's Driven. If anyone can tell us what the story is, please let us know.

Why this movie was made is vexing. What the inspiration was for Stallone to write this film is a mystery for the ages. He clearly has little to no interest in auto racing because he never shows any knowledge of how it works or even simple common sense regarding it. He appears to know that cars can go fast and that people sometimes try to see how fast they can go around a track but that's about it. Burt Reynold's character owns a race team but continually tries to sabotage his driver because he's just not good enough despite the fact that he's Number 1 in the world. Kip Pardue's character can't handle posing for photos and giving press conferences despite the fact that he's a rolling advertisement for his sponsors. The only thing that Stallone's character appears to do in the film is make people happy. Wow.

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Midnight Ride

Midnight Ride
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Mark Hamill kidnaps a lady so that he can have his doctor zap her brains but first he must give slip to the husband, one Michael Dudikoff. It's a thriller/action/slasher movie where Hamill shows he's nuts, Dudikoff gives us his "whoa-face", we learn who Tommy Wiseau's mother is and Robert Mitchum is on set for about 2 hours!

This movie is pretty ridiculous. It never stops moving with absurdity. From Dudikoff getting strapped to the hood of a car in an elaborate death method to the explosion of a family in a station wagon to endless fog to the bad "Xtreme Sports" music choice. It's bat shit. 

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