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Deadbeat at Dawn

Deadbeat at Dawn
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It took four years and many many punches, but the final product is a roller coaster of a stinker. Jim Van Bebber's gang-revenge film has one of the craziest final fights ever captured in film.

Along the way is a series of bonkers sequences that may or may not work for everyone but it's still a wild ride. The first 2/3 of the film is pretty slow, if we are honest. You have your typical "gang murdered my babe and now I gotta get me some revenge" plot but it seems there just wasn't enough material to have just that plot line. The film would have been about 30 minutes if it stuck to the plan. So there's alot of scenes that seem to be put in as time fillers. These time fillers setup the protagonist's (Goose) life and universe but they have very little to do with anything and can be a little tedious to get past.

Once the movie hits the gas pedal though, watch out! The last 1/3 of the film is some seriously ridiculous action. Goose's handling of the attacks on him and his subsequent attacking of the gang members rivals Danton (Deadly Prey). He kicks some serious ass. He dispatches about 30 guys in less than 20 minutes. He's offing guys at a rate of 1.5 per minute. It's awesome. 

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Gone with the Pope

Gone with the Pope
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Duke Mitchell gives us his best Godfather impression and along the way offends all of mankind, sails the Atlantic without problem, nabs the most powerful man on the planet with a pistol, and then finds God? It's one of the most bonkers films ever made and shouldn't be missed.

This film is one of those rare "masterpieces" that come once every few hundred years. When films like Gone with the Pope are released, the stars and planets must all be in line and druids must sacrifice a virgin on top of some rocks. This is incredibly unique. It's two movies mashed into one with one of the least charismatic actors fronting the entire show all while not having a clue on how to make a movie. It's a vanity piece on par with The Room with a screenplay that is written on napkins and roll up hundreds primarily used for snorting coke. What Duke Mitchell put together in 1975 is a trainwreck of catastrophic proportions.

But then you take the incredible work that Bob Murawski did with restoring and recutting the film and the incredible soundtrack by Jeff Mitchell (Director Duke Mitchell's son) and you've got this travesty of a film packaged in a box that rivals the production qualities of Heat and Good Fellas. It's insane. Imagine if Troll 2 was reproduced by Steven Spielberg. 

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Vampire's Kiss

Vampire's Kiss
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Academy Award winning Nicolas Coppola (he's not the Nic Cage we know and love yet) stars as a completely insane man and gives a completely insane performance in a movie that seems to be about vampires but....no. It's known as a true stinker but we have a different take.

This film has its flaws for sure. There's some technical flaws, there's some bad shots, way too much stock footage, a piss poor actress with a huge head that isn't deserved but for the most part it's a solid piece. The mystery from Vampire's Kiss stems from the over the top performance by Nic. So let's just discuss his little acting job.

He's crazy. He's got this weird accent that can't be defined. It's like a mixture of Irish, SoCal dude bro, New York and New Zealandese (is that a thing?). Depending on his emotions the accent fades out of one ingredient to another. He seems to get much more Irish when he's pissed and much more SoCal when he's calm.

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Street Trash

Street Trash
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A fairly accurate look into the life and mind of the bum that captures the essence of the transient; 100% crazy. Take a bunch of homeless people and then stuff them full of the worst alcohol ever created and watch them melt. Plus many not safe for children topics including penis keep-away...wait what?

Street Trash really isn't for everyone. On many levels, it is almost too morally offensive. There's several sequences that are almost too uncomfortable. These bums are horrible, horrible people. They truly care about nothing but themselves and have as little regard for human life as Dr. Josef Mengele. Enter at your own risk and do not bring a date to a viewing of Street Trash.

If you can not only suspend your disbelief but also suspend your revulsion of disgusting people, there's alot of good stuff here. Spoiler Alert - This movie is "about" melting bums. There's a batch of hard alcohol called Viper that when consumed turns your insides-out and makes your guts turn into spectacular colored paint. Very interesting. Melting bums are the least gross thing in this film. That's how awful the actions of these bums are.

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Q: The Winged Serpent

Q: The Winged Serpent
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That ol' nasty Aztec cult living in NYC rears its ugly head again and resurrects a giant flying hotdog-turtle that eats bikini ladies. Meanwhile, a low level criminal butthole douchebag treats his girlfriend poorly and then takes a couple of barely working cops on an egg chase.

Believe it or not, this film shouldn't be called "Q", unless "Q" stand for "Quinn" because this film is not about a flying dinosaur(?) worshipped by an Aztec cult. It's truly about Jimmy Quinn, a low level criminal that doesn't understand how to do his job and his quest for fame and fortune, set to the background of a giant flying serpent attacking NYC. Here's a simple test to verify this: Tell us what the story of Q is in this film and then tell us what the story of Jimmy Quinn is in this film. You have a beginning, middle and end to Quinn; you understand his motivations, his relationships and his desires. Quinn is the main story.

What is the motivation of Q? Is he hungry? No, he doesn't really eat anyone. Is it just pissed? Maybe, but he should be stoked because he's got people sacrificing to him? Is it protecting its child? No, he's flying all over the place and not by the "nest". Is Q even intelligent? 

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American Ninja

American Ninja
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Private Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff) makes his dramatic debut to Stinker Madness with enough cool guy stares to melt a polar bear when he and Steve James team-up to punch and kick guys....and shoot them...and blow them up....sometimes run them over....and other ways you can kill guys.

Joining us for this episode is Joe Fulgham from the always funny and sometimes grody podcast, Caustic Soda. If you've never heard or had the chance to listen to these guys you are blowing it. As in "not ever having seen No Holds Barred blowing it". We listen to each and every episode, its that good.

Check out Caustic Soda

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Turkey Shoot

Turkey Shoot
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The deadliest game comes to Stinker Madness once again in the form of Ozploitation with 1982's Turkey Shoot. Brian Trenchard-Smith delivers a classic stinker with some seriously insane sequences and a hell of lot of fun.

Turkey Shoot has a reputation for being pretty hardcore with heavy exploitative tones and excessive gore. We're not really seeing it. This is a fairly tame movie (in relative terms) to other "exploitation" films (see Cannibal Ferox, Mad Foxes, Killer Elephants et al.) So no one should go into this one thinking they are gonna get really offended or grossed out.

There is a ton of great performances and memorable characters. The cast is great with especially epic jobs from Roger Ward, Carmen Duncan and Steve Railsback. Olivia Hussey does a pretty good job of playing an innocent virginal character that makes no sense. She however does NOT do a good job of shooting a .50 cal.

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Jem and the Holograms

Jem and the Holograms
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In October of 2015, Jem and the Holograms was released into US theaters with much fanfare, and by fanfare I mean people asking "They remade Jem? Well that was dumb..." and then one week later it was nowhere to be found, instantly making it a SMABFA contender. Whose idea was this anyways?

Jem is a moral tale for females of the Millenial generation. So think of the most annoying thing in the world. Correct, its a teenage girl from that generation. So that's not good. However, the moral really is a good one; that girls shouldn't be who society dictates they should be, they should be themselves and revel in their own strengths and weaknesses. It's a great moral and we at Stinker Madness fully support it.

The problem with Jem is the moral gets completely lost in the presentation. Sure, the plot is stupid. Sure, acting is not so good. Sure, the hunky boy is a total douche with the obligatory shirtless scene. These problems can be managed. The problem with Jem is the constant use of YouTube videos of other real life teenagers "practicing" music intercut into dialogue and montages. They are a hideous distraction and painfully annoying. Just what this film needs, more Internetting....blech.

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Starship Troopers

Starship Troopers
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Paul Verhoeven had a vision for a caricature of a Fascist future society and totally nails it in the guise of a silly space battle movie. Toss in a 3 way love story with incredibly strong and easy to care for characters, exceptional acting and you've got one of hell of a good movie.

Why then is this movie on Stinker Madness? Well because in 1997 the critics and Sam and Justin made a single mistake; they didn't get this movie. The world wasn't ready for Starship Troopers. We were expecting a film adaptation of the Robert Heinlein science fiction novel of the same title. We weren't expecting a high school football game with backflips. We weren't expecting children smashing beetles and mothers laughing maniacally at it. We weren't expecting Robocop and Total Recall with a serious story and moral statement. So it was panned by critics. Thus making it a "bad movie". But it truly is a masterpiece in pop culture.

We applaud Verhoeven's use of exposition in the clever guise of the "Would you like to know more?" Internet commercials. The entire universe is setup in these quick interjections and in a fast paced and entertaining manner, while some of the funnest moments come in these. The heaviest statements about this world take place in these and are hilarious. The children fighting over the guns and military passing out huge bullets, "The only good bug, is a dead bug", and the aforementioned children smashing beetles under foot.

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Point Break (1991)

Point Break (1991)
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For 25 years, people have been celebrating a film about a FBI guy spending 3/4 of the movie trying to get fired and perhaps sent to prison, while steadily falling in love with a dude brah. Since its release apparently no one has watched it because this crap stinks and not in good ways.

I'm sorry to say everyone but this movie just isn't very good NOR is it very bad. It is as middle of the road and completely unremarkable as any movie has ever existed. What? It's not very good? 

Point Break isn't good because:

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Point Break (2015)

Point Break (2015)
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For years people have been requesting a remake of a really stupid and poorly thought out 90's movie with horrendous acting and too many "dude bros" and then make it much much stupider. Wait...no one asked for that? Then wait the hell is the point of Point Break (2015)?

The story of 2015's Point Break is truly one of the more poorly thought plots in recent memory. Johnny Utah must go undercover into some extreme guys again and to do it he must also do extreme stuff to build up their trust. There the plot similarity ends. The real dumb stuff is the motivation of Bodhi and his crew. They are going to save the Earth (environmentally, ie. "Mans progress is totally harshing my groove, bro" crap)...by doing 8 extreme sport/stunts. Yup. Save the Earth by jumping off stuff. Now one can argue that they are environmental terrorists who are going to stop corporations from damaging the Earth by extreme criminality but at no point would any of their stunts do that, one, in fact, damages the Earth more than the activity they are preventing and then halfway through the movie, they just give up on that completely and just do extreme sports so, as Bodhi puts it, "become one with the Earth". If only "becoming one with the Earth" meant splattering into the side of it at terminal velocity.

Dumb story aside, the primary problem with Point Break is that the stunts and action sequences are painfully uninteresting. They are long and drawn out shots of dudes doing extreme sports. While that sounds ok, it's really just the same level of enjoyment of watching a Warren Miller or a Krusties video. You know the ones of just guys skiing, snowboarding, motorcycling, jumping off stuff videos in slow motion. One thing you gotta do is make these things more interesting and exciting than a TV show on MTV (Nitro Circus). The stunts are drab and too long. 

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Sssssss

Sssssss
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In what very well may be the worst mad scientist plan of all time, Professor Stoner (didn't make that up) turns innocent David from Man to Snakeman to.....well mongoose lunch. It's ssssssso ssssssstupid! It should be mentioned that no other film on this podcast is as worthy of being a MST3K episode.

Sssssss suffers from being not only very poorly thought out but also has some of the least movie making efforts ever attempted in film. It's not quite as useless as Frogs but tries to dupe us that it is a film but just showing shot after shot of crazy! snakes. However, they are live snakes and the actors aren't trained professionals so that at least makes these sequences viewable. Each sequence of snake business is spent wondering if the actors are going to get bit or smooshed or if they are accidentally going to kill one of the little serpents. ASPCA be damned!

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Heather Menzies-Urich here. Her hair....wow. And those glasses....wow. No film heroine has ever nailed a Danny Partridge impression so well. Her visage is like the front end of a bus with a bike rack on it...right before it runs you over. Yipes!

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The Apple

The Apple
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In the year 1994, disco has become such a force in culture that record producers can rule the government forcing the citizens of Earth to face prison time and social rejection if they are not down with "BIM"...we still aren't sure what BIM is but apparently you must be down with it. However, we are not.

This movie stinks! Wow is this not how you make a movie and its such a mess that it becomes a spectacle. Normally, movies that predict the future are pretty off in their predictions of how we live but this one is WAAAAYYYY off. I don't remember glam in 1994's music. Maybe I misses something but I don't remember flannel having alot of glitter on it. But this film just can't believe that disco and "The Bay City Rollers" weren't going to rule music.

When compared to similar musical films of 1980, this is maybe the worst musical of all time. Note I'm not saying worse as a movie than Xanadu or Can't Stop the Music, but worse as a musical. The difference is that the music in this film is awful. Its a musical and the music is garbage. The dancing is preposterous. All of the other failings of this film take a back seat to how bad the music is.

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Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Yor: The Hunter from the Future
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Yor does not come from the future. He comes from over there. Sorry for the spoiler. He is still awesome. The ladies love him, the men fear him and Yor believes himself to be the most rad dude of all time and he might be right.

Yor is one of those wacky Italian movies that believes to be a good idea with a good story but is just a mess of silly business. Yor bounces smugly from scene to scene veritably stating directly to the audience, "Hey, did you know I'm awesome? Cause I am." His motivations aren't clear, his actions are bonkers, and his idiom is dubious. He's great. He even has his own awesome theme song (Yor's World) that rivals "Do You Want to Be a Hero" from Biggles: Adventure in Time and "Stargrove" from Never Too Young To Die.

Yor and his ladies...we truly don't even need a plot for Yor because we'd be happy just watching Yor walk around, meet a lady, fight some dudes or monsters, bang said lady, then walk around, meet another lady who makes lady #1 quite jealous, lady fight, then lady dies and the process repeats. Now that I think about it that's pretty much the whole film except the last 20 minutes. The idea of jealous ladies defending other ladies from Yor's wiles in a barbarian movie is so silly and will lead to many a good laughs.

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Dreamcatcher

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Four buddies with superpowers given to them by an alien that may or may not be mentally handicapped, have to team up to stop poop monsters from making people get icky tummies. Really, that's the movie. Wow....

In our first 2 parter ever, we break down 2003's Dreamcatcher. This movie is insanity. There is just about everything you want in a bad movie in this one. It is a scosh too long but this one's got it all with the combination of the stupid plot, the bad acting, the cheesy movie monster (it comes out butts), the dubiousness of Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore's characters, and Dudditts. Wow, Duddits. We love you, Duddits.

The primary mistake this movie makes is poop. Really really. The film is meant to be frightening. The elements in concept are horrific. Being killed by something that is too big to be inside you coming out of your butt is possibly one of the worst ways to go. The Spanish Inquisition had nicer ways of killing people. Josef Mengele would have loved to have a bunch of shit weasels at his disposal. However, this is not scary in Dreamcatcher, it's hilarious. By the time the "horror" starts in this film, you've been giggling about farts and poop for ten minutes. So it's pretty tough to be scared.

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Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
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An Internet meme gets its own movie which is supposed to be a Christmas movie but isn't. How long will it be before Lifetime calls us for the first Stinker Madness movie?

This film sucks, even by Lifetime Channel or made for TV standards. It's truly torturous. Strike one is talking animals. Strike two is the unending "jokes" that Grumpy Cat makes usually involving breaking the 4th wall. Strike three is the movie has nothing to do with Christmas. Take the Christmas decorations out of the mall and the movie remains completely unchanged. Even Kirk Cameron can make a movie about Xmas.

Grumpy Cat is innocent. Its just a cat. It didn't write the film. You know, the owners of Grumpy Cat aren't really to blame either as they are just giving the people who like this type of crap what they want. The blame of why this film sucks and is a horrible use of an hour and a half of time falls directly on the people who think movies should be played as background noise. Fans of country music also fall into this category. Instead of treating films as art, they treat them as filler for the moments in their lives while their game loads on their phone. 

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Biggles: Adventures in Time

Biggles: Adventures in Time
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Some guy who is NOT named Biggle's has ONE adventure in just ONE time. So with an inaccurate title, we travel back and forth to 1917 to defeat the Nazi's secret sound weapon that makes things too hot. Don't ask too many questions.

Biggle's on paper sounds like a missed gem from our youth. The idea of a man named Biggle's traveling through time and having hijinx sounds like it would become your favorite movie when you're 12. Apparently the books are exactly that. But this movie is not. Biggle's is not the protagonist. It's a guy named Jim Ferguson who somehow gets transported back and forth from the present to 1917. So even he doesn't have "Adventures in Time" He just goes back to ONE time. So if you are looking for a sillier Bill and Ted's, you're not going to get it.

There is some good humor sporadically with most of the yucks coming from Ferguson and his awkwardness when he appears in 1917 without any warning of the time jump. There are also a couple incredible stunts especially with the helicopter but the quality of the stunts and jokes are mired by the directing/editing. The cuts make the stunts vague as to what took place and how the stuntmen put their lives on the line. The jokes are also poorly timed and most go unnoticed by far too much dialog immediately following the joke. Some might call them subtle but in a film where everything else is so overt and with such a crappy story you probably want to highlight the humor a little more.

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Mac and Me

Mac and Me
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Mac and Me is truly a turd. We didn't like it at all. Sorry about that.

The movie fails on so many levels especially for a children's movie. The complete lack of a relationship between the clone of ET's Elliot and MAC left us scratching our heads wondering why the characters try to do anything for MAC. All MAC and his family do to the protagonist family is fuck shit up. Twice the main child dies and twice he is saved by the "MACs" but he wouldn't remember either time as he was clearly dead, so one can't use that as an argument.

The script suffers from the typical bad movie staple of too many rewrites so the plot is pretty lost. But what the filmmakers failed to do was rewrite the entire script instead of just sections. There are places in the movie where there were clear tie ins to other scenes that were either scrapped or rewritten. Why does the family know that the government is on the lookout for spooky aliens? When does MAC get his name? When does the family decide to help the MACs? Too many gaping holes in the story isn't fun, even for bad movie lovers. It is just frustrating from an artistic standpoint and goes back into the "Kids are dumb; they won't notice" idea often put forth by studio executives.

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C.H.O.M.P.S.

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C.H.O.M.P.S. is like a slow painful death from a stab wound in the tummy while getting your head pressed in an iron maiden. It's awful. Even if you are a dog lover, you will want this annoyance to cease to exist within 30 minutes. 

Seriously, Jackie and Justin own 3 dogs and they are part of our family. We are huge dog lovers. But nothing can excuse this little bastard. You want him to die and when he finally explodes you instead of feeling bad, are thrilled because its at least a few minutes where you don't have to be assaulted visually and aurally by this movie. 

There is nothing redeeming for the film. Yes it has bad acting and yes its really stupid but these two items are masked by the overly intrusive soundtrack and the unending smorgasbord of generic sound effects that C.H.O.M.P.S. makes while he gallivants around town. There is nothing good here to be had.

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Galgameth

Galgameth
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When you absolutely must rescue your vague kingdom from a usurper with unknown motivations and restore your position as the supreme ruler of the lands, reach for a Galgameth statue and squirt some tears on it. Just make sure you don't ever go near an ocean. It's the Adventure or Legend or just Galgameth and he's one family friendly Kaijū!

Galgameth is one of those movies that has no target audience. It's too dumb and childish for adults but has too many adult themes for little kids. The protagonist is a pre-teen but there's too much cutesy stuff to fit that demographic. It's like there's a 2 week window when a boy is about 11 and isn't sure if they should be kissing girls or playing with action figures that this movie might work for.

There's some pretty great stuff in this one though for bad movie lovers. There is some possible moral tale about cats being evil and dogs being good, some seriously cheesy special effects, a poorly shot dummy that clearly gets crushed by Galgameth, some awful swordplay, some pretty crummy costumes, possible stuntmen injured by burning rocks and pretty dumb dialogue. It's very easy to riff and great to discuss the stupid parts.

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