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Vampire's Kiss

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Academy Award winning Nicolas Coppola (he's not the Nic Cage we know and love yet) stars as a completely insane man and gives a completely insane performance in a movie that seems to be about vampires but....no. It's known as a true stinker but we have a different take.

This film has its flaws for sure. There's some technical flaws, there's some bad shots, way too much stock footage, a piss poor actress with a huge head that isn't deserved but for the most part it's a solid piece. The mystery from Vampire's Kiss stems from the over the top performance by Nic. So let's just discuss his little acting job.

He's crazy. He's got this weird accent that can't be defined. It's like a mixture of Irish, SoCal dude bro, New York and New Zealandese (is that a thing?). Depending on his emotions the accent fades out of one ingredient to another. He seems to get much more Irish when he's pissed and much more SoCal when he's calm.

Then there's the Caginess. Cage lays the foundation in Vampire's Kiss for the future of all our favorite scenery-chewing performances. From National Treasure to Con Air to Outcast, the Cage is born here. He's jumping on desks, pointing dramatically, giving monologues with crazy eyes, whispering then screaming, being generally silly and giving each one of his lines 100%. There's not one line he delivers safely; he's taking a chance with each one. However, we think he nails it. The role calls for this performance and he gives it. There's not very many actors that could fill this role. Brad Pitt was nominated for an Oscar playing a crazy person for chrimeny's sake and his performance was completely tame. Nic deserves some credit here.

Our biggest beef with this film comes from one Jennifer Beals. Who the hell do you think you are? You watch this film and you will have no choice but to notice the love scene between her and Nic. Wait, what's that on her boob? It's a f-ing nipple cover! First off, if an actress' nipple cover makes a shot, well you have to reshoot it. You have to. Second, WTF Jennifer Beals?!?! Who the hell do you think you are?!?!? This scene is crucial to the plot. It's not nudity for nudity's sake. We wouldn't have even seen your nipples the way its shot. Do you think you are Grace Kelly? You were in Flashdance, that's it. You suck lady. Also, shave your armpits. She stinks...and so does the person who cast her. Get someone else....

So the film does have it's problems, but Nic Cage is NOT it. He's brilliant and incredibly fun to watch. He nails the role. Whether over the top or not, that's what his job was and he does it. The story is great (in fact, it's a pretty similar story to praised Fight Club) and it's intentionally hilarious. This is a black comedy folks. If you think it's a bad movie then film may not be your thing. Try dirt bikes or backyard wrestling. 

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:0-star
Cheesy effects:2-star
Horrendous acting:2-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:4-star
Ridiculous stunts:0-star
Gratuitous nudity:2-star
Memorable one-liners:3-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 7-star
Bad Movie Quality:5-star

Prelude to Gone with the Pope
Prelude to Vampire's Kiss

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Sunday, 24 September 2017

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