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The Barbarians

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Imagine a film where the biggest idiot you could ever find is the lead, make him do a ton of steroids, be a general dickbag to his co-workers and then DOUBLE HIM!!!

In typical Cannon Group tradition, this movie is what you call, "not good", yet also "completely unbelievable". It is beyond the realm of standard imagination and can only come from breaking through the doors of perception, AKA doing a ton of coke. From concept to final cut, there's no way you can do a good job here. And that falls fully on the muscly shoulders of the Barbarian Brothers.

These two idiots... I can't even describe them. I'm empty on words. I guess the best that can be done is that the Jersey Shore invades a swords and sandals movie. They are terribly unlikable in either form or character. However, if you can get past how much you hate these two and appreciate them for being the worst pair in cinematic history, well... you're in for a good time.

There's terrible effects and practicals, lead by a penis-dragon that doesn't just appear to be a penis but also behaves like one, the dangerous stunts, lead by getting ran over by horses, the silly costumes and hair, lead by a donut hair cut, and the nonsensical plot. At no point does it work but put together as a whole (insert donut joke) it's pure stinker magic.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:4-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:3-star
Memorable one-liners:4-star
Riffability:4-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 3-star
Bad Movie Quality:7-star

About The Barbarians - Movie Information

Sam's Boring Bullshit

Eat your heart out New Jersey, Hartford Connecticut has produced a double dose of what has made your state’s citizenry the butt of jokes for the recolectable past. These guys on screen are amusing but at the same time barely tolerable. They were noticed as an early 80’s body building phenomenon, during the explosion of the BB scene. After several cameos ,Cannon films (who else) would give them a star vehicle, despite them not being stars, it is really more of a douche vehicle, like a sub sonic camaro made of plastic nozzles.

The twins would go on to have three more top billed features: Big Ideas; a trucking feature, Double Trouble; a bad cop worse cop move, and Twin Sitters; where they are apparently baby sitters with muscles. Though the last would be released after they were left on the cutting room floor of Natural born Killers, said event would mark the downturn in their acting careers. After being mostly absent from view, the blessed internet has allowed some insight to where they are now, for those who want to dig. It would seem the two of them would land in Vermont.

Peter may or may not have started a church named Church of the Lovegregation. He is still visible in a video posted on youtube called Peter Palpin aka Knight of the Light. In the video he is on a college campus, and for lack of better description I would classify his actions as religious reenactments. There used to be more of these but I think they were either taken down or just became impossible to find as there may be resurgence in popularity of Peter Paul and Mary on youtube. Peter was arrested on a trespassing charge while visiting one of the various campuses where he was preaching, performing, channeling or whatever the hell it is that he was doing. The college had previously issued a cease and desist but he chose to ignore it.

David seems to have gotten into photography, mostly of his dog. He is easier to find as he is peddling his art online. His hobby led to a possible or near undoing of the legacy they had together built. I was unable to find the original article in the Burlington Times-Argus, but I did find a clip without the exact date which details a caper involving two men, a great dane, and the theft of a $90k antique shotgun. The break in the case was when the dog (Cowboy) was identified in the security footage as apparently David had taken so many pictures of his fucking dog that everyone in town could recognize it. The two of them were eventually arrested but since David is still selling photos online, I am to assume there was a plea or some accommodation made involving the Cowboy Caper…

Ruggero Deodato, who directed the heavily influential cult film Cannibal Holocaust, helmed this picture that also stars returning Richard Lynch, from Invasion USA. I can’t talk about those guys though, because the damn banana brothers are too ridiculous.

 

KAEOF: What is the doucheyest thing they do? Doucheyest isn’t a word so I can spell it however I want.

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Thursday, 14 December 2017

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