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Beowulf

Beowulf
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Christopher Lambert (the T is silent apparently) dons the role of Beowulf and defends an outpost in the future or past from Grendel, one of the "damned" who is a monster surrounded by a fart cloud, and his super horny mother. To defeat this evil duo, Beowulf must use his endless array of MI6-like weapon/gadgets and a series of flips and hand-springs. How many denizens of the outpost will survive before Beowulf gets the job done (spoiler alert - just 1)?

Lambert gives us another shining example why he should be the lead role in every bad movie. He's awful. Seriously bad. He constantly has this look on his face that seems like he's just staring at nothing (it turns out he's legally blind) and his accent is like Tommy Wiseau had a baby with Shakira. He delivers each line like its the ultimate one-liner after killing the bad guy with a bazooka at the end of the film. Let me put it this way, Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Dudikoff are better actors. But Lambert steals the show with this method and we loved him for it.

The effects and fight choreography are completely ridiculous. Grendel looks like someone did a really nice job of creating a monster but some producer decided he wasn't evil enough so they put in a nice post-production green/purple fart cloud that envelopes him the whole movie. There's an incredible amount of backflips, cartwheels and hand-springs that Beowulf uses during fighting and all lead to him to getting punched in the face by Grendel. That's right, Grendel doesn't claw or bite or rip people apart; he punches them right in the face like he was Chuck Norris, while being a hulking mass covered in farts. It's amazing. 

The costume design is one of the most incredible pieces of this film. Anyone wearing armor has one of those glorious and well-thought-out helmets that have no eye-holes, so Lambert isn't the only one that can't see a damn thing I guess. Grendel's mom wears a see-through bit that looks like the remnants of bubble wrap that has all the bubbles popped or snot. We aren't sure which. Kyra (Beowulf's love interest) wears a booby-shirt through most of the movie, but also dons lingerie that doesn't make any sense as her pajamas. Beowulf seems to just wear the same battle attire every day and even when he sleeps or bones down.

Lastly, the production design is something to behold. The outpost thing looks like something out of Waterworld and has such items like steel girders and a PA system but is also made of "ye olde" stones and mortar. When does this movie take place?!? It also features a giant flaming claw thing that serves an unknown purpose. The king(?) guy has a sword that looks like an 8 foot chainsaw without the chain. The movie even starts out with a woman strapped to a giant chopping machine but resembles an 8 foot long shaving razor.

We loved Beowulf. It is soooo dumb in the good way. The movie keeps moving at all times, with one laughable sequence after another. Its one of the most riffable movies we've seen recently and we highly recommend it. Not Hall of Fame material but a good effort.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:4-star
Cheesy effects:4-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:3-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:2-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 2-star
Bad Movie Quality:7-star

Prelude to Mercenaries
Prelude to Beowulf

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Thursday, 22 August 2019

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