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3000 Miles to Graceland

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Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.

3000 Miles to Graceland is one of the most inaccurate titles ever. See this map: http://obeattie.github.io/gmaps-radius/?lat=53.484652&lng=-99.643463&z=3&u=mi&r=3000. That is 3000 Miles from Graceland (Elvis' house). Now we learn that the ship Kurt Russell tries to get to and is located in Mt. Vernon, WA and their trip starts in Las Vegas. That is a journey of about 1,800 miles. So good job already.

Now as far as the film. It sucks. Costner stinks, Russell stinks, Arquette REALLY stinks (but dies early so there's that) and Slater stinks. Courtney Cox looks pretty good but she unfortunately stinks as well. No one in this film is likeable. 

The true tragedy of this film is the cast yes but the writing and editing truly is painful. Yes, it's got that early 2000 over-editing plague. Slo-mo, fast cuts and graphics. Butt music, check. Terrible looking CGI (Scorpions battle to the death?), check. Making farts not funny, check. It's a clinic on crappy film-making.

The events of the film don't make any sense. Character interacts are dubious. The action is completely stupid. But in the end, the true tragedy of this film is that it's a 2 hour penis size competition with idiots. I didn't like it, I don't think you will either.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:3-star
Cheesy effects:0-star
Horrendous acting:4-star
Laugh-out-loud-ability:2-star
Ridiculous stunts:3-star
Gratuitous nudity:0-star
Memorable one-liners:2-star
Riffability:3-star

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: 2-star
Bad Movie Quality:5-star

Prelude to Black Christmas
Prelude to 3000 Miles to Graceland

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Sunday, 24 September 2017

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