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Prelude to Beastmaster

Prelude to Beastmaster
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Watch the WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!

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This 0.5 episode contains the usual nonsense we have but we really amp it up in honor of Marc Singer's manliness. Jackie really loves this movie and it turns out that her entire youth was geared around it.

We start out talking about how The Beastmaster was just a modest theatrical success but really came alive on VHS and achieved cult status. Justin recounts that he double-featured this with Deathstalker and Sam only remembers that a guy gets his nuts bit off by a ferret. Jackie tells us that this movie is like Tom Jones; adult/elderly women eat it up. It's like the 50 Shades of Grey of cheesy movies. At least until 50 Shades of Grey comes out in the theaters.

Netflix Do's and Don'ts

Movie NameSummaryIMDBNetflixAmazonJustinJackieSamTotal

Maximum Conviction

When former black ops operative Cross (Seagal) and his partner Manning (Austin) are assigned to decommission an old prison, they must oversee the arrival of two mysterious female prisoners. Before long, an elite force of mercenaries assault the prison in search of the new arrivals. As the true identities of the women are revealed, Cross realizes he's caught in the middle of something far bigger than he had imagined.

Probably the best thing Seagal has done in the last 10 years (excluding Machette). None of it makes sense and of course high-quality slap-fighting. Stone Cold Steve Austin was horrible and it was great. Probably the best performance from a wrestler since No Holds Barred.

IMDB Page Watch Now Maximum Conviction Yes Didn't Watch It Yes 2/2
 

Mask of Death

While attempting to flee from the FBI, the criminal Frank Dallio kills Detective McKenna's wife, Rachel. McKenna himself is shot in the face by the professional killer Lyle Mason, who dies in a car crash shortly thereafter. The FBI persuades McKenna to undergo facial surgery and take the place of Lyle Mason in order to find Dallio and a valuable microchip.

This one starts out hot as Lorenzo Lamas may be wearing the silliest makeup ever so that he can later get his face surgeried so he can be the bad guy. It's Lamas times two and Jackie thought they were different people. However, the silly got dialed down pretty early and it just got too dry. There is no single person in this movie that is a good guy though. Which is interesting...sorta.

IMDB Page Watch Now Mask of Death No No No 0/3
 

Bounty Hunters

Jersey Bellini is a bounty hunter who forms an uneasy partnership with a rival to capture a fugitive. But the hunters soon discover that the crook is also the man the mob most wants dead! Ready to battle anyone in their way, these hard-hitting Bounty Hunters won't quit until they've brought in their man... and brought down the mob!

In theory, these two movies should be completely terrible and unviewable but there is something so endearing to them that you can't help but love them. Ridiculous action, Michael Dudikoff being Dudikoff and crazy amounts of cheese. Do these back to back.

IMDB Page Watch Now Bounty Hunters (1996) [HD] Yes Yes Yes 3/3
 

Hardball / Bounty Hunters 2

JERSEY BELLINI and his girlfriend B.B. are in the kind of business that can really strain a relationship. They're "fugitive recovery agents" - bounty hunters.

Well now they are married (or something) but they can't stop kicking ass. Just as much fun as the first one. Watch these back to back now.

IMDB Page Watch Now Bounty Hunters 2 - Hardball Yes Yes Yes 3/3
 

Stinker News

Stinker Thinkers

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Score = Sam 10, Justin 6

Sam's Boring Bullshit

The Beastmaster is directed by Don Coscarelli, known in movie circles for directing the Phantasm series. He's a member of the Fangoria Hall of Fame.

Marc Singer has basically been in 1 episode of every episode of every TV show ever made. Particular known for his role in V. According to his IMDB profile he lives "a California casual lifestyle, and enjoys running, sailing, martial arts, boxing, skiing, and motorcycling in his spare time, as well as playing some Western classical piano every day." What the hell does that even mean?

Tanya Roberts started out as a Clairol girl. She did Playboy to promote The Beastmaster. Also was a Bond girl in a View to a Kill. We all know her though as Midge in That 70's Show. Sadly, she quit That 70's Show because her long-time husband died.

The eagle in The Beastmaster refused to fly so they would drop it out of a hot-air balloon with a trap-door in it.

The makers of this film couldn't find a panther who could act so instead they opted for dying a tiger black. The tiger then died 2 years later from complications from the dye. Don't tell PETA.

The Beastmaster
Noah

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Sunday, 25 August 2019

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