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Love Potion No. 9

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Once again, the 80s/90s rom-com genre falls into that horrible disgusting trap of "if you think about this very much you'll want to wash your eyes out with soap" because very unforgivable things happen to the people around the main characters. Both of the people on the cover belong in jail.

There is a serious warning content-wise here but this needs to be said - Love Potion No. 9 is about 1 thing - rape. It steers very clear of the song where it turns the drinker into a raging boner, this love potion causes anyone of the opposite sex to become a mindless zombie and you can make them do whatever you want. So what do the leads do? Well Paul (Tate Donovan) rapes an entire sorority and Diane (Sandra Bullock) makes the Prince of England propose to her forever changing the landscape of the British Monarchy. Wow, what charming, awesome, quirky people? No! Both belong in prison. 

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Diggstown

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Diggstown delivers the ultimate sleight-of-hand hustle to the viewer, by tricking everyone into thinking this is a great "con-job" movie. Look over here, guys and don't pay attention to the paper-thin plot and how the big con is just betting on unsanctioned boxing.

Let's just get this out of the way - this isn't a TERRIBLE movie, but it's pretty crummy stacked next to how good its telling us it is. The whole thing is a giant ruse. Maybe someone can take that as a sign of how well edited it is, but we can't. Our job is to breakdown stories and judge them and this story is ludicrously empty - it's borderline "idiot plot" except one of the requirements is that just ONE person has to show a sign of intelligence to prevent the whole movie - but even if there was one person who could show such intelligence wouldn't prevent anything BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS!

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Pass Thru

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The Breen goes down one of his strangest rabbit holes (which is saying a lot) yet when he plays an AI from the future who has to come to Earth and clean up mankind. Neil is starting to frighten us.

Pass Thru is what happens with a director's typical 4th movie. Neil spends far too much of the film "honing his craft" and using up precious film space so that he can practice how to use camera's. So unfortunately, Pass Thru isn't crammed full of nonsense; where Fateful Findings is 100% bananas, this is about 50%. So the viewer spends a lot of time staring at Breen looking stoic from various angles, which makes for a very boring journey.

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Gas-s-s-s! - or- It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It

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When you cut in some psychedelia in the editing booth, your film isn't psychedelic, you just have a movie pile. Gas-s-s-s! misses the mark by about a mile, unless your goal was to one day have proof that the Baby Boomers were completely up their own asses and should never talk about other generations again.

The setup of the film is an interesting idea with the apocalypse coming and the meek inheriting the Earth - with one major problem, the meek are anyone under 25 and goosed on pot, free love and ego. From there you follow a group of bohemians travelling across Texas to a final destination of Barter Town.

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Men of War

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Sometimes a studio puts too much talent behind a terribly stupid movie. Sometimes there's some subtle social commentary that sneaks into the script and then has the competency behind the camera to accurately capture those topics. Then you have action guys who just like to blow everything up. Welcome to Men of War.

I absolutely adore this movie. It suffers from the Idiot Plot, yet has some level of emotion behind everything it tries to achieve. It's like a mashup of Forrest Gump/Platoon and Deadly Prey. Everything is shot well, the location is fantastic, the dialogue is sharp.... until Dolph gets to deliver some one-liners.

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Bubba Ho-Tep

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Elvis and JFK team up to take down a butt-sucking undead SOB in a nursing home. OR Elvis ends up in a horrible nursing home and struggles to find a reason to keep living. Pick one. You can't have both without muddying up the other. 

While Bubba Ho-Tep should absolutely be praised for accomplishing what it does on only $500,000, it must also be dissed for its non-budget related flaws. Chiefly its duality but also in its production. If you read the back story on this movie, you'll learn that they had a mismatch with the cameras and the level of knowledge on how to run them. So what should have taken 15 days to shoot took 30. That made a lot of stuff in the screenplay that needed to be in film, end up on the floor and a lot of stretching of what was available (which isn't much). This is one of the lowest on content movies we've ever reviewed.

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Year 5 in Review: Part 2

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Each year we recount the creme' de la crappe, and discuss our very favorite 10 films (each) from the previous year in podcasting. These are the films that are the most important to see. This episode is like a cornucopia of terribly awesome stinkers. Stop what you're doing and watch these movies. Here are numbers 4-1 plus our very favorite movies that were released in 2018.

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Year 5 in Review - Part 1

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Each year we recount the creme' de la crappe, and discuss our very favorite 10 films (each) from the previous year in podcasting. These are the films that are the most important to see. This episode is like a cornucopia of terribly awesome stinkers. Stop what you're doing and watch these movies. Here are numbers 10-5.

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Dune

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A guy with unrealistically great hair, stands atop a giant earthworm (who isn't even wearing a costume) and uses his Alexa-style hand laser to be less effective in combat than just going and buying a regular laser gun. It's Dune and arguably one of our most controversial choices to lampoon.

Dune is that unique mix of "well, that looked really good" and "this is a really accurate representation of the novels (sorta)" on one side while also being complete nonsensical crap and horribly cheesy effects and acting on the other side. Is it a stinker? Probably. Is it also passionately made art? Probably. Its not only a head-scratcher on how you want to label it, its a head-scratcher within its content.

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Teen Wolf Too

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You didn't ask for it, but you got it. A sequel starring a different guy who finds out he's a werewolf and is good at sports, but this time he's in college! Things are about to get a little wild, right? Sadly no - this college is actually just a junior high school.

Nothing says wild college party like punch and pie mixers, right? Getting fast and loose while the "Dean of Men" chaperones! Yeah, college! This is the nerd's version of college for sure. All these rascally rule breaking college freshman are about as nutty as the girl whose best friend is her mom (so, Jackie?).

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Running Scared

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The greatest question posed by man since 1986 is "what the heck do people see in this pile?" It's like working next to a construction site. Its like a toaster that always burns your bread. Its like a script that tries to make the leads the two most annoying people on the planet and succeeds. Running Scared sucks.

Imagine yourself living in the universe as Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal's characters. Worse yet, imagine having to work with them. They're worse then Lumberg. Each and every Monday would be a compounding hell, when you the entire department is called in for the morning brief and you can't get through it because these two are trying to be funny throughout the whole thing. Keyword - "trying".

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The Lost Empire

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It's got a random gorilla, a laser "unit", eyebrows that change from shot to shot, a trio of tough ladies, possible ninjas and a dubious plot to build the Infinity Gauntlet so you know this must be a Jim Wynorski movie. Bring on the chesty women!

If you've ever seen a Jim Wynorski film, you know of two things to expect: the left boob and the right boob. This one is no different. It's just a silly budget movie with a fairly standard plot (a trio of chesty ladies team-up to destroy an evil plot to take over the world) but that's where the convention ends. Things get pretty loosey goosey with regard to its own script as Jim runs roughshod with his own project. It's glorious.

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Short Circuit

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There's a really good reason that this film disappeared from cable networks and the cultural lexicon. Take an heavy level of racism, add a cavalcade of annoying characters and jokes then sprinkle all that on top of inane plot and you've got yourself a monster bud movie.

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Theodore Rex

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In a futuristic world, an evil billionaire recreates the dinosaurs (making them small, have normal arms, and recovering carnivores) and then hatches a villainous plan to wipe out all life on Earth, creating a utopia of dinos and humans - so just like the current status in the movie. WTF is this POS?

Theodore Rex is insufferable. At no point in its incoherent rambling is a modicum of enjoyment to be had. It's baffling yet it hurts your brain. It's fast-paced, yet nothing is moving the plot forward. It's got incredibly bad production design, but what happens in the foreground is so painful that you can't mind everything in the background. The acting is awful, the costumes are amateur, the "jokes" are "huh"-inducing. Yet all that takes a back seat to how atrocious the screenplay is. This falls into the "we are talking like you, Earth human. All your base are belong to us!" category of writing. 

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Picasso Trigger

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Andy Sidaris once again dials the nonsense up to about 50 and matches that number with topless women. This time the LETHAL team has to deal with some internal double-crossing or triple-crossing, we're very confused on how many crossings happen here. 

We've seen that a lot of the reviews online for the 4th film in the LETHAL collection (this one proves that Seven is part of the franchise) that this one isn't good. There's no giant snake gimic, not as crazy stunts, and a much crappier version of the Malibu Express. Those points are all correct however, this is still a great time and as far as we can see has only one extreme drawback - the continuing degradation of the Abilene's in quality. Travis Abilene is the worst. He's just scummy. The actor belongs on the bad guy team - not among the coolest guys of all time. He stinks.

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Who Killed Captain Alex?

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From Wakaliwood comes Uganda's first action movie! This is Uganda! Yeah Yeah Yeah Okay! Commandos! Tiger Mafia! Tiger Mafia Commandos! VJ Emmie on the mic! So yeah, we make fun of it.

Who Killed Captain Alex is one of the cleverly disguised as crap, but actually smarter b-movies we've reviewed on the show. We found the plot to be fairly conventional while watching the movie until the last 3 frames and we released that we had been duped. This was no common hyper-budget action movie. Nothing out of Vietnam, Philippines, or Mexico writes like this. Its absolutely riffing on the entire genre in the vain of The OPTurbo-Kid, and Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. The hook is so subtle despite it being the title of the damn movie.

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Burlesque

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A mediocre talent finds inspiration in an over-the-hill mentor and in doing so makes a nightclub successful. So Xanadu...right? Actually, it's also Chicago, Moulin Rouge and Coyote Ugly. Thanks Troy from Goonies!

Let's face it, gang. Burlesque is about 30 minutes too long and suffers from the typical drag of poorly thought out projects - there's too many subplots and no main plot. While most of them are just meh, one subplot is insufferable - the romance. What's her name Aquafina falls in love with her (seriously gay) roommate/coworker. And their relationship is like watching paint dry, then become acid and fly into your face. It is intolerably uninteresting until it causes you physical pain.

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Batman & Robin

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After years of steering well clear of one of the most notoriously bad movies of all time, we finally tackle the most butt and crotch heavy superhero movie ever made. Clooney brings the turtle-neck and somehow manages to not push Robin and Bat-Girl off the rooftops. Is it possible this isn't the torture-fest we expected?

In short - yes! It isn't the torture-fest we expected. We actually had quite a bit of fun with this turd. Don't take us incorrectly, this is a travesty, but after 22 years its inching itself into the "so bad its good" category. There's just so much wrong with it that really the only thing holding it back is Robin & Batgirl who are painfully annoying. If the movie had just been Clooney blowing it and Schwaz just hamming it up, it might be in the hall of fame.

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Angels' Brigade/Revenge

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A super-elite team of hot ladies formulate to take down all of the drugs in the US. Instead they get a high school teacher kidnapped, a teenager shot and possibly killed, ruin a man's salesman career, and watch a man get eaten by a dog all so they can take down roving tampon salesman. Seven From Heaven indeed!

Man, when you line up movies from the late 70s this is strikes all the bells. A hot van with rockets, machine guns and a dirt bike with machine guns on it in the back - check. Busty ladies with no bras kicking ass - check. Drunk Peter Lawford - check. A winded Jack Palance chasing Darby Hinton over patios - check. Explosions, explosions, explosions - check! So why isn't this in the top 10 greatest bad movies ever?

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Hard Cash

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When you must put your slowly dieing career into the dumpster forever, the fast path is to team up with Christian Slater in a crime-caper. A band of bozos get caught in an dirty FBI sting and must steal all the gold for themselves...and they only thing stopping them is their own idiocy.

We'll start by saying that this ALMOST has something. There's bookends of banana business but that squishy look-warm middle bit drags it back into the depths of quite not interesting. Despite it having the worst produced car chases, worse than SNL rear-projection, Verne Troyer in a toilet with a dart-gun, Val Kilmer giving his belief in his characters one last try, and Bill Forysthe in a washing machine, there's just not enough fun here to put it in the do column.

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