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Black Christmas

Black Christmas
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When you've been stuck in an attic, are literally yellow, and forced to be your mom's sperm donor for your whole life, you're probably going to have some issues. So pick up your pokey objects and take some eyeballs out in the name of Santa!

The problem here is that this film, while somewhat entertaining, is just too generic and blasé. It's a slasher with fairly little imagination. When you come into a slasher film, you're here for one thing - ridiculous death scenes. This film does NOT have that. There's fairly vague death scenes (oh the camera cut away, the horror!), there's "deaths" that people wouldn't actually die from (such as a tiny icicle shattering through your skull, dropped from a height of 3 feet), and pretty meh makeup. The obsession with eyeball mutilation is over done and gets old after the first two eyeball sequences.

HOWEVER, the plot is super-super stupid. There's two killers, spoilers (too late). And they are possibly the worst, least effective slashers in the history of film. As mentioned, most people wouldn't die from their injuries inflicted, one lady dies on complete accident, and two of them die from impossibility, leaving 3 actual murders accomplished and 1 girl to go ahead and kill the slashers. Meaning out of 12 people, only 3 of them die. Pretty good work guys. Jason or Freddy would have tore through these dumb girls in about 15 minutes.

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Prelude to Black Christmas

Prelude to Black Christmas
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Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.

Streaming Do's and Don'tsNine Deaths of the Ninja - Mill Creek - B-Movie Blast 50 PackHundra - Amazon/EpixMissing in Action - YouTube/TubiTVThe Wild Card - Good Xmas/Bad XmasEternia - He-Man/She-Ra Xmas SpecialHobo with a Shotgun TownKazook - Star Wars Holiday SpecialAbout Black Christmas (2006) - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

Bob Clark’s career spanned 5 decades and some of his more treasured works are, Porky’s, A Christmas Story and the multi award winning Murder by Decree. He also was responsible for a laundry list of stinkers, including but not limited to; Rhinestone, The Karate Dog and three films which have landed in the conversation of worst movies ever made, those being, Turk 182! and the Baby Geniuses duology. Hard to imagine that the same guy could give you a piece of treasured Americana like A Christmas Story while in the other hand delivering a turd sandwich like Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. 1974’s Black Christmas was Clark’s fifth film and it marked his break out of ultra budget films. It reportedly returned $4 million against a budget of $620k. In 2006 he decided to remake the film, acting only as producer in this case. This time around the film would return $16 million against a budget of $9 million.

Glen Morgan, veteran producer who also directed the remake of Willard would be brought on to direct. Though notable for working in the horror genre, the majority of his time has been spent producing television shows for Fox. After leaving the X-Files he would create Space Above and Beyond, which apparently only I liked.

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Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
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Watch the Whole Movie!....kinda but don't bother watching it anyways.

An Internet meme gets its own movie which is supposed to be a Christmas movie but isn't. How long will it be before Lifetime calls us for the first Stinker Madness movie?

This film sucks, even by Lifetime Channel or made for TV standards. It's truly torturous. Strike one is talking animals. Strike two is the unending "jokes" that Grumpy Cat makes usually involving breaking the 4th wall. Strike three is the movie has nothing to do with Christmas. Take the Christmas decorations out of the mall and the movie remains completely unchanged. Even Kirk Cameron can make a movie about Xmas.

Grumpy Cat is innocent. Its just a cat. It didn't write the film. You know, the owners of Grumpy Cat aren't really to blame either as they are just giving the people who like this type of crap what they want. The blame of why this film sucks and is a horrible use of an hour and a half of time falls directly on the people who think movies should be played as background noise. Fans of country music also fall into this category. Instead of treating films as art, they treat them as filler for the moments in their lives while their game loads on their phone. 

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Prelude to Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever

Prelude to Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Whole Movie!.....kinda

Jingle bells all and merry Decemberween to you. Jackie brings in a Lifetime Channel original Xmas movie starring a cat who is an Internet meme. It can't be awful right? Talking animals, the magic of Xmas and a network notorious for making awful cheese family fests?

Streaming Do's and Don'tsStar Trek: Nemesis - NetflixMortdecai - EPIXOn Her Majesty's Secret Service - Hulu PlusThe Great Superpower Debate

Super Fast Wardrobe and Makeup Changing

About Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - Movie InformationSam's Boring Bullshit

According to the FAQ on grumpycats.com, Grumpy Cat was born on April 4th 2012 in Morristown Arizona and she is actually named Tardar Sauce. I guess Grumpy Cat is just a stage name. Her appearance is due to feline dwarfism and as it turns out Tardar Sauce really isn’t grumpy at all. She enjoys all manner of cat play including and especially hiding behind the curtains. Tardar Sauce seems like a real character. She became an internet sensation and most likely the world’s most famous lolcat after a photo of her was put on reddit in September of 2012. She was accused of ingenuine grumpiness via photoshop. Her owners then posted some videos on youtube which showcase Tardar Sauce’s very real, very grumpy face. This was followed by viral fire which culminated in a website, series of books, t-shirts and this fucking movie.

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The Star Wars Holiday Special

The Star Wars Holiday Special
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Watch the Original CBS Bumper and Intro!

Prepare to have your childhood dreams shattered! There's a reason the Star Wars Holiday Special has been buried and left to bootlegs as the only avenue to its viewing. It's terrible. Birdemic is a better film. We kid you not.

The entire "concept" (I can't call it a story) is that Life Day is being celebrated on Kashyyk, the Wookie homeworld and Chewbacca is trying to get back to his family to spend the day with them. But that pesky Empire won't go away (even though their Death Star just go sploded) and tries to prevent the Millennium Falcon from reaching Kashyyk (or Kashook, depending on who is talking). Meanwhile at Chewbacca's house, the Empire has decreed to raid all homes and look for evidence of Rebel Alliance affiliations. When put that way it sounds like it might be ok right? Wrong.

First and foremost, this is a 2 hour film (including the commercials which ARE worth watching) and 50% or more of the dialogue is in Wookie. It gets quite old after about 5 minutes of listening to three Wookies talking to each other. Now take the Star Wars out of the whole thing and pretend that they are just people and the exact same events happen. Its painfully boring. Momma Wookie watches a Martha Stewart special. Junior Wookie plays with toys and won't take out the trash. They make calls to family and friends. Grandpa Wookie gets a masturbation machine and uses it....what? Yup, one of the holy crap moments is when Chewie's dad gets a VR machine that displays a half naked Diahann Carroll dancing seductively and singing about how much she wants him and Grandpa Wookie likey....alot. Uber-creepy.

Then there is the other 50% or so of the movie, which is just cuts of original footage from A New Hope pasted in. Han Solo's getting chased by Star Destroyers...Darth is walking down the hallway of the Death Star (that no longer exists), Han is fighting Tie Fighters and talking to Luke Skywalker (who isn't onboard). 

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Prelude to The Star Wars Holiday Special

Prelude to The Star Wars Holiday Special
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Original CBS Bumper and Intro!

Brought to you by the Star Wars Prequels Awesome Editions - the way we would have made them (hint = more Splosions!)

Justin's Christmas wish is about to come true as we all prepare to view a film so notorious even the filmmakers tried to block everyone from every viewing it. With every single major cast member from Star Wars Episode IV plus singing and dancing (is that Bea Arthur and Heady Lamar? (That's HEADLY!)) this has got to be the greatest moment of our 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies pod/vid crawl.

15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies Pod/Vid Crawl

Be sure to check out these other fine programs to continue your journey through horrible Christmas movies!

Misan[trope]y - Releasing December 5th – Santa With Muscles 

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He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special
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Two Earth children get swept away to the magical Christmas planet of Eternia, where no one knows what they are talking about, get kidnapped, get kidnapped by someone else, get imprisoned, get kidnapped again by someone else, crash land in a space ship, almost freeze to death, almost get eaten by a snow beast, and get sucked up by a tractor beam for kidnapping purposes. 

Along the way they teach the entire Eternia gang (including Skeletor) about Christmas. Skeletor learns that it's ok to be nice to people one day a year and we learn that robots that transform into other things are inherently evil and that we shouldn't buy them. Thankfully this movie is only 44 minutes long....

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects: (For bad animation)Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

Overall Ratings:

Good Movie Quality: Bad Movie Quality:

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Prelude to He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

Prelude to He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special
He-Man and She-Ra Xmas Special
Listen to the Stinker Madness Episode


Watch the Whole Movie!

Brought to you by "Eternia" the latest prequel reboot adaptation drama from Fox.

Week 2 of the #15BadXmasMovies pod/vidcrawl gets going as we pull our sword out, get "The Power" and attempt to enjoy the holidays with He-Man and She-Ra. Remember them from Episode 1?! Well they are back and Skeletor has an itchin' for some sweet Christmas loot...in the form of two Earth children who get teleported to Eternia. Hiyo Silver! I mean, I HAVE THE POWER!

Also be sure to check out our 2014 Holiday Buying Guide for Bad Movie Lovers. 11 Great Xmas ideas for the movie lover in your family.

15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies Pod/Vid Crawl

Be sure to check out these other fine programs to continue your journey through horrible Christmas movies!

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Home Alone 3

Home Alone 3
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We kick off the 15 Days of Bad Xmas Movies pod/vidcrawl with the non-Culkin theatrical Home Alone. This time its not even a Christmas movie (or is it?). A kid kinda gets left at Home Alone (he's got the chicken pox) and unintentionally inherits a chip that can render missiles invisible to radar. Four super espionage thugs seek to get the chip back and "hilarity" ensues when Alex Pruitt (the kid) sets them on a path to pain via Rube-Goldberg devices.

So this movie strangely takes place beginning on Jan 8th and best as we can determine ends on Jan 14th. Yet everyone in this movie still has Christmas decor everywhere and is mentioned frequently. Why can't this have taken place during Christmas?!? We couldn't figure that out. But as is tradition in these movies, the protagonist is a precocious little scamp who is smarter than any adult and loves to inflict pain on bad guys. He also is a murderous little butthole because all 4 of the bad guys would have died at the hands of his death traps (in reality). Instead they just get lots of nether region calamity (i.e. exploding pants, butt electrocuted, and the bat to the gonads) and sore heads (plenty of head bonking and things falling on them).

Its dumb and not funny but that can be expected. So knowing what you are going to get when you watch it makes it not unviewable but one we say you want to stay away from.

Individual Ratings:

Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:

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